Maurice Greene – the man who’s a bit like Usain Bolt but not as fast or really as good – is out of Dancing With The Stars.

This isn’t a time for sadness, though, because Maurice Greene was still in the last five Dancing With The Stars contestants, making him – by our calculations – over 4,000 times better at dancing than Kim Kardashian but not nearly as good as that balloon-faced twonk from ‘N Sync.

And also, Maurice Greene should look on his Dancing With The Stars elimination as a positive thing – now that he doesn’t have to dedicate so much of his life to dance training, Maurice Greene can go back to doing what he does best. We think that’s running a short distance slightly slower than Usain Bolt. Correct us if we’re wrong.

Dancing With The Stars is zipping towards its conclusion and, while that’s definitely something to celebrate if you don’t like watching people you didn’t know were famous jiggle their manboobs around underneath a sparkly pink lycra blouse, it’s also a time to look back with fondness on those we lost upon the way.

Cloris Leachman, Kim Kardashian, that volleyball player woman, Rocco DiSpirito, Toni Braxton, that big haired woman from the daytime soap we’ve never even heard of – we’ll miss every single one of you. Well, not Rocco DiSpirito obviously – we didn’t know you existed in the first place and, frankly, we think you might be making your name up.

Anyway, now we can add Maurice Greene to the list of Dancing With The Stars casualties. Last night Maurice Greene was eliminated from Dancing With The Stars after his Quickstep and Paso Doble failed to cut it with the viewing audience.

But, because he made it so far into Dancing With The Stars without getting voted out or having to go for surgery because he had a minge growing on his appendix or anything, Maurice Greene still managed to hold his head up in defeat, saying:

“I had a lot of fun. I made a lot of new friends out here. I learned how to dance out here in front of millions of people every night. I had a great time.”

It’s a bittersweet moment. Although the speech was a begrudging admission that he was never able to adapt his running style – presumably developed from years of running away from bullies because someone decided to name him Maurice – to a reality TV show about ballroom dancing, at least he carried on the proud tradition of the pointlessly bland Dancing With The Stars elimination statement. Congratulations, Maurice.

And, now that Maurice Greene is out, it means that the dancers gunning for a spot in the Dancing With The Stars final are Lance Bass, Brooke Burke, Warren Sapp and Cody Linley. That’s why we can confidently assert right now that the winner of Dancing With The Stars will be someone not particularly famous who nobody can really bring themselves to care about much. Call it intuition if you like.

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Now that all the fun ones have been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars, it’s time to start ditching all the anonymous nobodies.

And that means you, Susan Lucci. Susan Lucci was eliminated from Dancing With The Stars last night, either because she got the lowest score of the night or because she’s a daytime soap actress and therefore the only people who know who she is are unemployed and can’t afford to phone in votes for her. It’s definitely one of those reasons, though.

But don’t worry, Susan Lucci fans. Your hero left Dancing With The Stars with her head held high. True, she may have been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars ahead of a foetus from Hannah Montana, but at least Susan Lucci can go knowing that her farewell speech was the most meaningless jumble of bland platitudes ever spoken by any human being ever. That’s something, right?

There’s probably no reason to watch Dancing With The Stars any more, is there? Admit it – time and time again, the only reason to watch the show has been tugged away from underneath you.

First you only watched Dancing With The Stars to see if Kim Kardashian danced as well as she had sex, but then she was eliminated. So then you decided to watch it for the pretty volleyball lady, but she hobbled out shortly afterwards.

After that you tried watching Dancing With The Stars to see if Toni Braxton’s heart would explode during a routine or if the funny old lady’s hip would shear off in the middle of a Cucaracha, but neither of those happened either. And, thanks to gruesome-sounding inflamed internal organs, even the professionals are leaving Dancing With The Stars.

And now even Susan Lucci has been voted out of Dancing With The Stars, which is, um, sad. Probably. Or at least it would be if we knew who Susan Lucci was.

Susan Lucci became the latest celebrity to leave Dancing With The Stars last night after her Paso Doble got the lowest score of the evening, but she wasn’t going down without a fight. Drawing in all the power she’d gained from slogging through years of working on daytime soaps, Susan Lucci grabbed the microphone and blurted out this emotional tangle of pointlessly generic inspiration-talk as a goodbye:

“It was definitely worth it. I just have to say, I have had the most incredible experience here. I leave with a life experience, something I will never forget. I feel so, so much gratitude for the opportunity to have had this particular experience in my lifetime.”

So farewell, Susan Lucci. We hardly knew ye. Actually if we’re honest we didn’t know ye at all. Still don’t, come to think of it. Oh well. At least this whole Dancing With The Stars experience means you can add ‘not as good at dancing as the gay one with the creepy eyebrows from ‘N Sync‘ on your CV now.

See? It hasn’t been a worthless endeavour at all.

As someone we vaguely remember from a decade ago, Toni Braxton is easily the most famous person on Dancing With The Stars.

Actually, make that ‘was’. Because yesterday Toni Braxton became the latest celebrity to be voted off Dancing With The Stars after the American public deemed her West Coast Swing to be inexplicably worse than the sight of octogenarian contestant Cloris Leachman stumbling around like a Thriller zombie.

However, Toni Braxton took her Dancing With The Stars elimination with good grace, adding that all the constant training had helped to improve the heart condition that looked set to wreck her career a few months ago. The message is clear, everyone – dancing regularly can improve your health to a level that’s just below that of a frail 82-year-old woman. Good work, Toni.

Well this isn’t good. Even in its title, Dancing With The Stars promises celebrity – that or giant flaming balls of exploding gas, which hardly seems practical – but the stars seem to be deserting Dancing From The Stars at an exceptional rate.

First Kim Kardashian left Dancing With The Stars because she couldn’t adapt her one identifiable skill – starring in dreary internet sex tapes – onto the dancefloor. Then one of the few other recognisable names on the show, Olympic beach volleyball gold medallist Misty May-Treanor, snapped her leg in half or something and was forced to retire.

That left just one famous name on Dancing With The Stars – Toni Braxton. And she’s only famous because her song Unbreak My Heart is a perennial hit at pissed-up self-loathing middle-aged recent divorcee karaoke parties. But that doesn’t matter – all you need to know is that Toni Braxton was voted off Dancing With The Stars last night.

In all fairness, Toni Braxton was never supposed to last this long on Dancing With The Stars – her chronic heart complaint that caused her to cancel her Las Vegas residency was supposed to flare up in week two and make her keel over like David Carradine at the end of Kill Bill.

But in fact the opposite happened – clomping about on a stage for the amusement of a shrieking Italian midget week after week actually helped Toni Braxton’s recovery, as Access Hollywood reveals:

”[I’m] a little disappointed,” Toni said. Although she was sent on her way, Toni said she felt like she had a successful run. “My goal was reached,” the sexy singer said. “I can breathe better… and my heart is doing better, so my goal was definitely reached.”

See, that’s the problem with celebrities these days – they set their goals too high. Toni Braxton’s only goal was not to drop to the floor clutching her chest on live television, and she just about accomplished that. Everyone’s happy.

But still, now that Toni Braxton has been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars, it leaves producers with a branding problem. They can’t in all good judgement call the show Dancing With The Stars because there aren’t any famous people on it any more. So tune in next week, America, for the first episode of the brand-new show Dancing With The Least Famous One Out Of ‘N Sync And A Funny Old Lady Who Your Parents Think They Might Recognise.

This year's American Idol had a multi-talented star in the making in David Hernandez – not only could he sing, but he could also jiggle his balls in your face for cash.

However, the American public didn't quite see it like that, which is why David Hernandez has been voted out of American Idol already.

Clearly the whole stripper scandal had an effect on David Hernandez's popularity, but his belief in the power of destiny means that he's not letting this disappointing result get him down. "Things happen for a reason," David said. Which is true – it just so happens that the reason in this case is that David Fernandez used to do grubby naked erotic dances for sleazy businessmen. Hey, this destiny thing is a breeze!

American Idol works on a very simple principle – you get a bunch of people together and slowly weed out the interesting ones with feathery hat-wings until you're left with a technically-competent personality-free moppet with enough dumb ambition to yield to each of Simon Cowell's capricious whims and release two big-selling singles and a middling album before they're slung back on the scrapheap. Unless you're Taylor Hicks, in which case you can skip the bit about being successful.

David Hernandez looked like exactly this sort of potential American Idol winner. He was blandly handsome, proficient at singing and stood out because of his weird compulsion to make a noise like an angry Ewok in the middle of all his songs. But David Hernandez didn't think that would be enough to stand out with, so he went and gave himself a long career as a male stripper in a seedy Phoenix club beforehand, too.

And you have to admit that the tactic worked – thanks to his past spent rhythmically flapping his genitals at strangers for money, David Hernandez was the only American Idol contestant that anyone could talk about, even more so than that creepy little wet-mouthed boy singer. American Idol didn't even sack David Hernandez for his previous indiscretions – and Hernandez silently vowed to make the most of this second chance.

Yeah, didn't last. David Hernandez has been voted out of American Idol already. E! Online reports:

In the end, 29 million Americans couldn't come together in support of David Hernandez. After a foray into the Lennon-McCartney songbook resulted in a changing of the guard as far as American Idol's talent-based frontrunners are concerned, it was the 24-year-old Arizona State student (and, one more time, former stripper) who was forced to take an early bow. "Things happen for a reason," Hernandez mused after learning he had been eliminated Wednesday. But "you'll see me at the top. This isn't it for me."

Yeah, at the top of a strippers pole with his balls all greased up, wriggling around to Gypsies, Tramps And Thieves. Heh.

Anyway, David Hernandez is probably right. An early elimination from American Idol quite often leads to bigger and better things. So long as you call getting arrested, falling pregnant and starring in a sex tape bigger and better. 

But even if, by some strange quirk of fate, David Hernandez's destiny doesn't fulfil itself and we never hear from him again, we're certain that he'll manage to make a decent enough living doing something else.

Can't think what, though…

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David Hernandez Stripped from Idol - E! Online