eliminated - HecklerSpray

Maurice Greene Gets Booted Off Dancing With The Stars Too

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Maurice Greene – the man who’s a bit like Usain Bolt but not as fast or really as good – is out of Dancing With The Stars.

This isn’t a time for sadness, though, because Maurice Greene was still in the last five Dancing With The Stars contestants, making him – by our calculations – over 4,000 times better at dancing than Kim Kardashian but not nearly as good as that balloon-faced twonk from ‘N Sync.

And also, Maurice Greene should look on his Dancing With The Stars elimination as a positive thing – now that he doesn’t have to dedicate so much of his life to dance training, Maurice Greene can go back to doing what he does best. We think that’s running a short distance slightly slower than Usain Bolt. Correct us if we’re wrong.

Dancing With The Stars Loses Star Only Known To Unemployeds

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Now that all the fun ones have been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars, it’s time to start ditching all the anonymous nobodies.

And that means you, Susan Lucci. Susan Lucci was eliminated from Dancing With The Stars last night, either because she got the lowest score of the night or because she’s a daytime soap actress and therefore the only people who know who she is are unemployed and can’t afford to phone in votes for her. It’s definitely one of those reasons, though.

But don’t worry, Susan Lucci fans. Your hero left Dancing With The Stars with her head held high. True, she may have been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars ahead of a foetus from Hannah Montana, but at least Susan Lucci can go knowing that her farewell speech was the most meaningless jumble of bland platitudes ever spoken by any human being ever. That’s something, right?

Toni Braxton Booted Off Dancing With The Stars Forever

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

As someone we vaguely remember from a decade ago, Toni Braxton is easily the most famous person on Dancing With The Stars.

Actually, make that ‘was’. Because yesterday Toni Braxton became the latest celebrity to be voted off Dancing With The Stars after the American public deemed her West Coast Swing to be inexplicably worse than the sight of octogenarian contestant Cloris Leachman stumbling around like a Thriller zombie.

However, Toni Braxton took her Dancing With The Stars elimination with good grace, adding that all the constant training had helped to improve the heart condition that looked set to wreck her career a few months ago. The message is clear, everyone – dancing regularly can improve your health to a level that’s just below that of a frail 82-year-old woman. Good work, Toni.

American Idol Stripper Takes His Naked Nutsack Elsewhere

March 14th, 2008 By Stuart Heritage

This year's American Idol had a multi-talented star in the making in David Hernandez – not only could he sing, but he could also jiggle his balls in your face for cash.

However, the American public didn't quite see it like that, which is why David Hernandez has been voted out of American Idol already.

Clearly the whole stripper scandal had an effect on David Hernandez's popularity, but his belief in the power of destiny means that he's not letting this disappointing result get him down. "Things happen for a reason," David said. Which is true – it just so happens that the reason in this case is that David Fernandez used to do grubby naked erotic dances for sleazy businessmen. Hey, this destiny thing is a breeze!