Good news, boys! Even though Peaches Geldof has been marauding around with an engagement ring, she isn’t actually engaged.

She’s still on the market! Hooray! We still have a chance of marrying her ourselves! Because, make no mistake, Peaches Geldof is a catch. What we wouldn’t give for a wife as droning and pointless and bleary and compulsively attention-seeking and thoroughly objectionable and funny-voiced and weird-looking and maddeningly annoying and completely awful as her. She’s a fox, in the sense that she generally looks quite unwashed and a bit feral.

So if Peaches Geldof isn’t engaged, then why does she keep going out with an engagement ring on? We refer you back to the ‘droning and pointless and bleary and compulsively attention-seeking and thoroughly objectionable and funny-voiced and weird-looking and maddeningly annoying and completely awful’ line above. That’s why.

We get the feeling that Peaches Geldof thinks that she’d shrivel up and die if people stopped paying attention to her. Which is clearly not the case – if it was then we would have obviously organised a nationwide Nobody Pay Any Attention To Peaches Geldof Day, just to make sure that it definitely happened. But despite this, Peaches Geldof is determined to cling on to her minuscule sliver of notoriety however she can.

Her latest ruse – following the ruse where she got married to someone she’d only just met, the ruse where she divorced him, the ruse where she was photographed in the middle of what looked like a drug-fuelled sex game and the ruse where everything she ever does, says or thinks makes us want to claw at our own skin with our fingernails and then go and roll around in salt – is to twonk around around with an engagement ring on. Except – get this! – she isn’t even engaged. Crazy. Metro reports:

Peaches Geldof resorted to a classic celebrity ‘look at me’ tactic – waggling an ‘engagement’ ring after a dinner date with boyfriend Eli Roth. The couple were marking their six-month anniversary on the night 38-year-old Roth’s film, The Last Exorcism, premiered in London’s Leicester Square. Geldof’s spokeswoman insisted Sir Bob’s girl was ‘100 per cent not engaged’.

Goodness, what will Peaches Geldof do next? We couldn’t possibly imagine, although it goes without saying that if it doesn’t involve going far far away and never being seen in public ever again by anyone then we’ll probably be quite disappointed.

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Mike Myers has gone from a childhood hero of hecklerspray to being one of the worst ‘comedians’ on this planet we call Earth.

So what does any actor do when they realise their popularity is at an all-time low – even lower than it was when nobody even knew who Mike Myers was? That’s right – they sign up for a role in a Quentin Tarantino movie. Works every time.

So it comes as no surprise that Wayne Campbell has joined the increasing ranks for Tarantino’s newest hype-machine, Inglorious Bastards. It’s a war film and it’s by Quentin Tarantino, so expect it to be quite insane and bring about countless complaints from idiots, while other idiots just talk as if it’s the greatest film that’s ever happened.

When it’s clear to anyone with sense that it isn’t offensive, it is good, but it isn’t the second coming.

It’s the Tarantino formula.

It’s clearly something that Mike Myers has looked in to, as he has opted to try and save his flagging reputation by signing on to Bastards. The Canadian who seems to think he is British will play General Ed Fenech, “a military mastermind who takes part in hatching a plot to wipe out Nazi leaders,” apparently. Reports that Myers will adopt his utterly hilarious Scottish accent for the part are said to be ‘unfounded as of right now, but he probably will as it’s the only accent he’s done for the last fifteen years’.

Mikey boy will be joined by cast members such as Brad Pitt, Eli Roth and B.J. Novak on the film, though we aren’t too sure who that last one is (a quick check on IMDB shows he’s one of that lot from the American version of The Office, so… err… fair enough). The film was supposedly to have Simon Pegg attached too, but scheduling difficulties got in the way, meaning the one with the tiny ears is just going to go and do another film with Nick Frost.

Not that we’re complaining, of course. They’re actually funny. Unlike Mike Myers.

Inglorious Bastards is a Tarantino remake of Inglorious Bastards, which was a remake of The Dirty Dozen. Confused? Well it has Mike Myers in it now, so it’s unlikely to get any less confusing. Prisoners escape, French underground, difficult mission – that’s about it. Expect kitsch references, a soundtrack that will be all over the radio for years to come and the semi-revival of some careers to come from it, as is always the case with Quentin Tarantino movies.

Rather than casting Myers as the hero of the piece, some sense has fortunately been seen, and his role is thankfully just a small one. Surely not big enough for him to ruin proceedings, but at the same time probably the right size for some of his reputation to be restored.

Until he brings out Austin Powers 4, which will involve the same joke being made repeatedly for two hours, and ruins himself forever.

It’s the Myers formula.