As every single human on Earth knows (we’re all programmed from birth to wait for this moment), Robert Pattinson is in a film called Water for Elephants. It stars Robert Pattinson, water and, crucially, some of our elephant cousins.

Of course, the film needs someone with charisma and acting prowess which, in the case of this film, comes in the shape of the 9,000-pound Asian elephant called Tai.

At a press conference with co-star Reese Witherpsoon, Tai the Elephant spoke fondly about Pattinson and his unswerving dedication to winning over the giant actor who, at regular intervals in the press meet, defecated and casually threw peanuts into its gaping mouth with its weird nose-hand.

It would appear that Pattinson was rather enamoured with Tai, with some suggesting that this might the latest romance to blossom on-set.

Rob said, flatly:

“I had a relationship with the elephant, but it was based purely on candy.”

“I strategically placed mints, like suck on them for a bit and then stick them onto [my body], like covering my entire chest all the time, and [I didn't] tell anyone”

You think we’re making this up. We’re not. R-Pattz said these words like there was absolutely nothing odd about them.

“So every time the elephant would be like constantly sniffing me, I’d be like, ‘I don’t know!’ She just really likes me! It’s crazy!’ Yeah, I think she was just sniffing around for treats”

Tai has a different version of events, saying:

“I wasn’t too thrilled with Pattinson to be honest. He’s so boring that I heard some stagnant water once blew its brains out in his presence. On meeting him, it only served to underline how criminally dull he is.”

“And so, in a bid to win me over, he simply stood motionless before me for, I dunno, a fortnight or something. There wasn’t even the vaguest sign of movement on his face. It was astonishing. Astonishing and cripplingly boring. Eventually I just gave in. It was easier to just say I liked him. That said, even then, he remained rooted to the spot for a further week.”

Robert Pattinson wins you over with mints and endurance.

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There isn’t much about Robert Pattinson is there? If he wasn’t in some vaguely successful films about vampires who are ashamed of their own erections, then you’d probably hang a coat off him and think no more of it.

In a bid to get some personality, Pattinson has decided to do two things. Apparently, the third option was to write “PERSONALITY” on his forehead in permanent marker, but alas, the person assigned to the job got so bored looking at his face that they fell asleep midway through the job, leaving Pattinson walking around with the word “PERSON” written across his brow.

So what’s he up to now? It involves the baby steps of a music career and getting blind drunk.

That’s right! Robert Pattinson is starting a band. It doesn’t matter what kind of band he fancies being part of because no-one will ever hear the music.

This is for one of two reasons. The first is that, should this group actually be anything like decent, then every single note they play will be drowned out by the screams of randy teenagers. Perhaps Pattinson should consider releasing a CD of the sound of screaming teenagers, just so no-one gets confused.

The second reason that no-one will hear his wares is that it’s very likely to be agonisingly dull. Imagine Leonard Cohen singing while in bed laid up with a bad cold. Basically, Pattinson’s music would have a similar effect to sticking Night Nurse in your veins.

Not that any of this matters of course, because Pattinson hasn’t even played a note yet.

That’s because he apparently got drunk in a recording studio after hiring professionals to help him start his musical career.

The Twilighter didn’t complete a single song because he decided it would be better to simply get pissed.

An insider told the highly reputable news source, the National Enquirer:

“Rob needs to seriously rethink his musical career.

“He didn’t manage to get anything done because he invited a bunch of his rowdy friends and brought tons of booze to the studio. He ended up goofing off all night with his buddies and getting drunk.”

The source added:

“Rob mostly joked around with the musicians and kept them there for hours.

“He got so wasted that he couldn’t get it together long enough to complete one track.”

Musicians, by and large, are the most boring humans on Earth… however, they do have a good line in anecdotes and lies. It’s probably fair to assume that Pattinson decided to get ripped to his man-baps in order to try and convince the assorted sessionfolk that he had something resembling a personality.

Sadly, a drunk Robert Pattinson is much like a stoned Tamagotchi – a blinking vessel that doesn’t have the ability to do anything that requires more than simply taking up some space in the world.

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Robert Pattinson is a crashing bore isn’t he? There’s so little about him that, should you see him at a party, you might be tempted to hang your coat on him. Even then, your coat would become so bored of hanging on such a useless lump that it would throw itself to the ground in the hope someone might steal it.

Still, that doesn’t stop Pattinson and his face soiling the undercarriages of the world’s tweens. They just can’t get enough of him. His bored, motionless face looks like smouldering, caged-up sexuality to their eyes. They luurrrve him. They want to ride him like a stolen moped.

This is, of course, all very irritating. Which is why hecklerspray salutes our newest hero – an elephant who nearly crushed Robert Pattinson into being a rather boring corpse.

If you didn’t know, Pattinson is shooting a movie called ‘Water for Elephants’ which also stars Reese Witherspoon. It isn’t confirmed whether Witherspoon and Pattinson will be playing the part of elephants or not. It isn’t confirmed because we haven’t asked anyone.

Apparently, Rosie the Elephant was being signalled at by a trainer and after one hand-gesture, instead of stepping forward, she sat down and rolled over while Pattinson was on her back.

A source probably says:

“I’m not convinced. The elephant had done the same action 40 times on the bounce when Witherspoon was sat on her back. She was no trouble at all. As soon as Rob climbed on top of her, she was rolling around on her back and hooting in his face with that great big nose thing of hers. At one point, she picked up a rock and it looked like she was going to hurl it at Rob’s face. The trainer suggested that Robert’s face was so boring that Rosie could look at it long enough to get a decent aim.”

Alas, Pattinson hasn’t died and is fine after some quick thinking on his part. Basically, the news is that he jumped off in time and landed in some mud, much to the amusement of everyone on set.

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What better way for Britney Spears to take a huge step towards getting everything back on track than to hook up with Russell Brand?

There are many, many better ways. Surely. Hooking up with that mad-haired berk isn’t going to help her claw back the piles and piles of sanity the girl seems to have lost over the last couple of years.

Let’s be totally honest – it’s going to damage her more than she already is, and that’s before she’s even spoken to the man who dresses like a particularly stupid pirate.

But hecklerspray didn’t get in fast enough with our warnings, leaving poor old crazy Britney Spears free to appear alongside Russell Brand in some MTV promotional adverts for the upcoming Video Music Awards.

It still isn’t confirmed if Britters herself will be in attendance at the awards as she hasn’t got permission off her dad yet, but hopefully the blow to her psyche that surely occurred when she met the TV and radio ‘funny’ man will have been too much, forcing her to stay at home on the night. The other option doesn’t even bear thinking about, frankly.

For now, the only thing we can say with so-called ‘facts’ backing us up is that there have been a few promotional skits released and… well… they’re quite good, really.

Brand is still an irritating prannock, but he does at least have the good sense to make a joke of the fact that no one in the US knows who he is – and believe us, oh American readers out there, you don’t want to know who Russell Brand is – whereas Britney is actually quite charming, seemingly happy to poke fun at herself.

Does this mean we’re allowed to make fun of her again? Or is it still too serious an issue, that she’s gone mental and her life has fallen to pieces and all that gumph? No? Still not cool? Okay – just checking.

Did we mention there’s an elephant in the videos? Yes – in an all-too-subtle move on the part of the ad creators, they’ve decided to quite literally tackle the issue of the elephant in the room. And it’s actually borderline clever, the crafty little buggers – obviously it’s still blatant enough for the MTV’s core demographic to get the joke (it’s referring to Britney’s performance at last year’s VMAs, you fools!), but at the same time it’s pretty brave on their part.

We should stop writing with hangovers, it makes us too nice.

Russell Brand is an arsehole, Britney Spears went mental let’s all point and laugh… ahh, that feels better.

Anyway, a couple of the ads are below for your viewing pleasure. They’re bound to raise at least a smile, and it’s good to see Britney looking less like a skank-harpy of death (twice in a month). She leaves that honour to Brand.

Zing!