elephant - HecklerSpray

Robert Pattinson Charms Elephant With Little More Than Endurance

April 5th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

As every single human on Earth knows (we’re all programmed from birth to wait for this moment), Robert Pattinson is in a film called Water for Elephants. It stars Robert Pattinson, water and, crucially, some of our elephant cousins.

Of course, the film needs someone with charisma and acting prowess which, in the case of this film, comes in the shape of the 9,000-pound Asian elephant called Tai.

At a press conference with co-star Reese Witherpsoon, Tai the Elephant spoke fondly about Pattinson and his unswerving dedication to winning over the giant actor who, at regular intervals in the press meet, defecated and casually threw peanuts into its gaping mouth with its weird nose-hand.

Robert Pattinson Starts Music Career But Gets Drunk First In Order To Gain Some Kind Of Personality

September 22nd, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

There isn’t much about Robert Pattinson is there? If he wasn’t in some vaguely successful films about vampires who are ashamed of their own erections, then you’d probably hang a coat off him and think no more of it.

In a bid to get some personality, Pattinson has decided to do two things. Apparently, the third option was to write “PERSONALITY” on his forehead in permanent marker, but alas, the person assigned to the job got so bored looking at his face that they fell asleep midway through the job, leaving Pattinson walking around with the word “PERSON” written across his brow.

So what’s he up to now? It involves the baby steps of a music career and getting blind drunk.

An Elephant Tries To Do The Right Thing By Crushing Robert Pattinson

September 6th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Robert Pattinson is a crashing bore isn’t he? There’s so little about him that, should you see him at a party, you might be tempted to hang your coat on him. Even then, your coat would become so bored of hanging on such a useless lump that it would throw itself to the ground in the hope someone might steal it.

Still, that doesn’t stop Pattinson and his face soiling the undercarriages of the world’s tweens. They just can’t get enough of him. His bored, motionless face looks like smouldering, caged-up sexuality to their eyes. They luurrrve him. They want to ride him like a stolen moped.

This is, of course, all very irritating. Which is why hecklerspray salutes our newest hero – an elephant who nearly crushed Robert Pattinson into being a rather boring corpse.

Britney Spears Hooks up With Russell Brand. Oh, and an Elephant.

March 24th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

What better way for Britney Spears to take a huge step towards getting everything back on track than to hook up with Russell Brand?

There are many, many better ways. Surely. Hooking up with that mad-haired berk isn’t going to help her claw back the piles and piles of sanity the girl seems to have lost over the last couple of years.

Let’s be totally honest – it’s going to damage her more than she already is, and that’s before she’s even spoken to the man who dresses like a particularly stupid pirate.

But hecklerspray didn’t get in fast enough with our warnings, leaving poor old crazy Britney Spears free to appear alongside Russell Brand in some MTV promotional adverts for the upcoming Video Music Awards.

It still isn’t confirmed if Britters herself will be in attendance at the awards as she hasn’t got permission off her dad yet, but hopefully the blow to her psyche that surely occurred when she met the TV and radio ‘funny’ man will have been too much, forcing her to stay at home on the night. The other option doesn’t even bear thinking about, frankly.