Let’s say he wanted to swing in through your living room window dressed as an octopus. Nobody would call him a mentalist. It’s because he’s flipping Paul McCartney from The Beatles. You have to be polite to him; he’s not a Sir for nothing.

It’s well known that when The Beatles were locked away in a Liverpool studio many moons ago, they were under the influence of the mindbending drug LSD. So will Paul decide to swallow a couple of ecstasy pills so he can make more druggie inspired music? Who knows, but we expect him to don bright neon clothing and dance around like a twat with a couple of glowsticks. You see, he’s going to bring the party to YOU with an album full of electronic treats.

Paul McCartney hasn’t been in the spotlight for his musical ability recently. Firstly he had to deal with his second wife Heather Mills, who accused him of all sorts of wrongdoings. Once she was disposed of, Paul got all kissy kissy with a millionaire called Nancy Shevell. The two have been spotted together regularly and have probably caused all sorts of embarrassment for their children as they are forced to watch their parents eat each other’s face off.

Lately it was all about Paul McCartney and Israel. Not taking to peace and freedom that well, terrorists threatened to blow him up and force everyone to burn their Stella McCartney designer burkas. Triumphantly, the nasty Middle Eastern men didn’t attempt to disrupt the gig and, instead, they got their asses kicked off an old man. Take that you pesky terrorists! We have the weapon of music.

Now Paul’s back to release more records that will probably be crap, but bizarrely lauded because he used to be in The Beatles. Instead of writing more terrible love songs about coconuts or coyotes, or producing cringe-worthy classical music, Paul is instead going to rave it up big style. It’ll be the perfect record to get wasted to as all your mates come round to have one of those Skins parties where everyone wears clothes from Topshop, gets pissed off a can of cider and ends up shagging everyone else by the end of the night.

So what will be the end product of Paul McCartney’s dance direction sound like? How about a bit of early house music sounding house music? Or does he want to mash up our ears and record an entire album of 200bpm gabba colliding with some jungle influences for shits and giggles?

Either way, we are genuinely interested in seeing what he comes out with. No seriously, after this album we look forward to his ghetto rap album where Paul McCartney collaborates with Snoopy Dog, Kanye West and Lil Wayne. There can’t be that many other genres he hasn’t had a stab at.

But wait! The pesky Scouser is trying to throw you by releasing this record under a pseudonym. Going under the guise of The Fireman, Paul must be pretty sure this record will be hot stuff when it’s released. Ouch, our hands will be burnt after touching the CD, and our speakers may just melt from the heat emitted from the album. It should really carry a health warning.

Now, we always thought a lot of care and thought went into a song from an ex-Beatle. But as the BBC reports, it seems that he found the process quite an easy one:

“Each song was written by Sir Paul and recorded in the space of one day.”

As we said, it won’t matter if the end product is gash. They’ll be plenty of people telling him it’s the best thing since Brian Eno and early works of Aphex Twin.

Or maybe we’re jealous that our album of rubbing elastic bands against cups hasn’t been snapped up yet.