Because, judging by her fervent campaigning for the Republican party, Tuesday’s election win for Barack Obama seemed like literally the worst thing that could possibly ever happen to Elisabeth Hasselbeck in her entire life. But on The View yesterday, something strange happened.

On The View yesterday, Elisabeth Hasselbeck gracefully admitted defeat and declared her support for the president-elect. And, thanks to Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s elegant speech, the partisan schisms that threatened to tear America apart were instantly healed. Well, in the parts of America that watch The View, anyway. So the chronically old and unemployed parts that can’t find their remote control to change channel. Isn’t that enough?

Over the last few years, The View has come to symbolise the political gulf in America better than anything else. One one side there’s a screaming fat lesbian, and on the other side there’s a shrieking, blindly-patriotic government sock-puppet, and in the middle are a couple of funny-looking old ladies whose names we’ve never bothered to learn. Perfect.

But recently, as the endless election campaigning slowly built to a crescendo, things on The View got a little bit out of hand. Rosie O’Donnell resigned and Elisabeth Hasselbeck started screeching at such a terrifying pitch and velocity that The View almost sacked her before she caused irreversible structural damage to the Earth’s core.

And so, after Barack Obama won the general election on Tuesday night, speculation was rife over what Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s reaction would be on the following day’s edition of The View. Scientists had narrowed it down to three likely scenarios:

1 - Elisabeth Hasselbeck would throw herself on a Samurai sword after the second commercial break.

2 - Elisabeth Hasselbeck would be punched unconscious by a victory-giddy Joy Behar.

3 - Elisabeth Hasselbeck would try and be gracious in defeat, only to end up choking to death on her own tongue while trying to force the words out.

In fact, none of those things happened. Realising that blindly following the word of the president without question has done alright for her so far, Elisabeth Hasselbeck declared that she’d do exact same thing for Barack Obama. Look, here’s the video…

We’re still a little unconvinced by this sudden turnaround. After all, given Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s froth-mouthed introduction speech for Sarah Palin a fortnight ago, we’re fully expecting that she’ll be announced as Palin’s campaign manager for 2012. If that happens – judging by the past – Hasselbeck will advise Palin to run on the twin messages of ’screeching like an alarmed dolphin in a fire’ and ‘bug-eyed scuttlebutt’.

But let’s concern ourselves with that later. For now, it’s just nice to see that the civil war that almost ripped The View apart has ended. And that means that we never have to watch another episode so long as any of us live. Wonderful.

9 – Jordan & Peter Andre not splitting up any more, for now. Warning – images not safe for anything – Popsugar

8 - Come to think of it, we have always wanted a vandal octopus for a pet - Telegraph

7 – Jeremy Clarkson recreates the bit from Jackass where they all dress up as really old men - YouTube

6 – Sienna Miller does a music video. Bizarrely, it’s even worse than you’d expect – Holymoly

5 - A selection of facial hair to make all men feel emasculated in comparison - Theartofmanliness

4 – Don’t mix milk with Red Bull. Common sense, in the form of a song - I Am Bored

3 – Peaches Geldof writes words, everyone on Earth writes ruder words back – Nylon

2 - Tetris! On Bottles - B3ta

1 - A list of all the diseases every president of America has ever had. Why not do what we do and play presidential disease top trumps with your friends? Here’s a hint – pick Taft – Healthinplainenglish

9 - Is it just us, or is Kanye West’s new album not very good? - Pitchfork

8 – Why Stu’s beard rocked, despite popular opinion - Biggerbetterbeard

7 – A song about Paris Hilton being president, performed by Paris Hilton. We’re so tired that we can’t even tell if this is a joke or not any more - Popjustice

6 - Toffee apples! - Instructables

5 - Famous people on the internet. Now no longer famous. Mostly - MSN

4 - Oh, Bono! - Dailymail

3 - It Will Kill You Lite: Alligator edition – Nothingtoxic

2 - A kid’s book based on Bob Dylan songs. Not nearly as awful as it sounds – Drawn

1 - The man from 30 Rock is basically identical to the man in 30 Rock - New York

But sadly John McCain isn’t having any of it. Instead, he’d rather use My Hero by Foo Fighters which – while probably a better election song that Eghhh (EGHHH) because it doesn’t have a seven-minute death-jazz intermission played on a contraceptive diaphragm – has annoyed Foo Fighters no end.

John McCain’s use of My Hero has enraged Foo Fighters so much that they’ve launched a furious rock n roll riposte – they’ve written a really bloody strongly worded letter about it. In fact, Foo Fighters have really laid the law down – if John McCain plays My Hero one more time, they’re going to call the flipping council about it or something. Just you watch them!

When a person runs for office in America, it’s important that they pick a campaign song. The song helps to set the tone of the campaign, plus it means there isn’t an awkward two-minute period while the politician shuffles to the podium in the middle of the stage in deathly silence. Would Hitler have lost the war if he’d picked something like Ooh Baby I Love Your Way (Every Day) by Big Mountain as his campaign song? Doubtful.

However, one person who’s been having trouble picking a good campaign song is Republican presidential nominee John McCain. Well, actually that’s a lie – John McCain has found loads of brilliant songs for his campaign, but the trouble is the bands who recorded them get super shitty every time he uses them.

So far, both Heart and Jackson Browne have asked John McCain and his running mate Sarah Palin to stop playing their songs on the campaign trail, but now John McCain has met his biggest foe yet – Foo Fighters.

You see, because John McCain is such a hero that he basically single-handedly inspired the flashback scenes from Rambo he decided that the only appropriate song to use is My Hero by Foo Fighters. After all, that’s about, um, a heroin addict blowing his chops off with a shotgun, and that’s, um, sort of, um, appropriate?

Anyway, Foo Fighters aren’t taking this lying down – they’ve issued a statement explaining exactly why John McCain using My Hero in the election is jolly well not on. BBC News reports:

The band said in a statement: “The saddest thing about this is that My Hero was written as a celebration of the common man and his extraordinary potential. To have it appropriated without our knowledge and used in a manner that perverts the original sentiment of the lyric just tarnishes the song.”

These poor Republicans can’t catch a break, can they? First everyone from Diddy to Madonna has lined up to bash Sarah Palin, and now Kurt Cobain’s beardy drummer has decided that he doesn’t like John McCain? No wonder he looks like he’ll lose the election now.

Anyway, the best way for John McCain to steer clear of any more trouble like this is to only use songs by people who haven’t complained about him yet. So, in that respect, we think that leaves McCain with a choice between My Old Man’s A Dustman, I Am Woman Hear Me Roar by Helen Reddy and the theme-tune to The Benny Hill Show.

We know which one we’d pick – all three.

You might not realise it, but it’s true. Look at Lindsay Lohan – she definitely thinks so. Earlier this week Lindsay was blogging her little freckles off about mean old Sarah Palin, and now she’s decided to host a number of events for her candidate of choice, Barack Obama.

Trouble is, Barack Obama would rather dip his balls in acid than let Lindsay Lohan even begin to help him out, and his people have turned all of her offers down. But don’t worry, because Lindsay Lohan has put the snub behind her and moved onto bigger and better things. Well, maybe not bigger. And better’s a slight exaggeration. But things. Definitely things.

Staring into the middle distance and cultivating a staggering lack of self-awareness still counts as a thing, doesn’t it? Good.

Hey everyone, remember Barack Obama? He was the man who was going to be president once. We don’t really know what happened to him, though. He sort of disappeared from view at the exact same time that Sarah Palin popped up and captured everyone’s heart with her adorable pregnant teenage daughter and equally adorable crackpot Creationist viewpoint.

Well, news has reached us that Barack Obama is still running for president. It’s just that everyone’s been too sidetracked trying to pay attention to what Meg Ryan and Pamela Anderson think of Sarah Palin to notice.

Not that Barack Obama should worry, though, because he’s still got one dyed-in-the-wool superfan left. It’s just a shame that that fan is Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan has really been swept up by this whole election thing – one minute she’s writing semi-coherent outpourings about Sarah Palin on her blog and the next she’s considering going naked for Playboy which technically hasn’t got anything to do with the election but we just thought we’d mention it anyway – and she wants to do all she can to help make Barack Obama the next president of America.

Now, realistically the best thing that Lindsay Lohan could do to help Barack Obama do anything is go outside, dig a big hole in the garden, climb into the hole and stay there in silence until the middle of November, but that’s not really Lindsay Lohan’s style.

Instead, Lindsay offered to hold several events for Barack Obama. And, in response, Barack Obama sort of puffed out his cheeks and refused to make eye contact until Lindsay shuffled away. Fox reports:

The trouble-prone actress offered to host a series of events aimed at younger voters, but the Democratic presidential candidate’s camp wasn’t interested… Lohan ”is not exactly the kind of high-profile star who would be a positive for us,” a top source on the Obama team told the paper.

Of course, Barack Obama is completely right here. The moment he lets Lindsay Lohan go out and rally for him, he’s in her pocket. Next thing you know president Obama will keep having to deal with Lindsay Lohan ringing him up and asking him why he, like, doesn’t make the paparazzi illegal because she was totally just in Starbucks and this guy came up to her and was all like “Let me take your photo” all up in her face and shit and it made her sad.

It’s just a shame that Barack Obama had to turn Lindsay Lohan down, though. With a bit more foresight he could have seen all the potential locked up inside her. After all, she knows nothing about politics but can happily bang on about it for hours, she’s pretty but not as pretty as she seems to think she is, she’s slowly becoming more and more of a global joke and nobody in their right mind would ever take anything she says even slightly seriously.

Forget letting her run events, Barack Obama should have named Lindsay Lohan as his vice president. It’s done wonders for the other guy.

But until the day when he inevitably ends up fronting that show – working title Diddy: It’s Both Oblivious And Obnoxious – we all have to put up with him spouting off endlessly about whatever subjects happen to be ambiently passing through his brain all the time like some sort of dreary old pensionable pub bore, but gangsta.

This time, Diddy has turned his sights on newly-named Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin. Diddy’s not a fan of Sarah Palin, you see – it’s all because Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska and “there aren’t even any crackheads in Alaska.” We’re not joking. We wish we were. Oh, there’s video after the jump, too.

Historians are going to look back on the day when Diddy discovered YouTube and declare it the exact day that the human race started to go wrong. Sure, it had been bad before, what with all the death and war and sadness and whatever, but at least we didn’t have video footage of the man who did that Godzilla song having a piss while describing exactly why he enjoys pissing back then.

It’s not just urination that Diddy enjoys prattling on about on video – he’s also taken to the internet to praise his girlfriend for carrying his children right before he left her. Plus not so long ago Diddy recruited an assistant by posting a video on YouTube, which was a smart move – after all, his ideal candidate was an obese loner with terrible skin and a secret longing that humans could be as understanding as cats.

And now Diddy is using his fondness to push through a political message. It’s all because of Sarah Palin, you see - John McCain has announced her as his running mate in the upcoming election. Leaving aside the fact that seeing elderly white-haired John McCain and younger, marginally sexier Sarah Palin together is like watching a creepy remake of late 1980s ITV nightclub show The Hitman And Her, Sarah Palin has managed to get right up Diddy’s nose.

Why? Has Diddy seen through the seemingly transparent fact that Sarah Palin was only made VP to lure disappointed female Hillary Clinton supporters to the Republican party? No. Is he fundamentally opposed to Sarah Palin’s pro-life, pro-capital punishment worldview? No. Does he disagree with Sarah Palin’s decision to support a bill allowing wolves to be hunted from the sky? Not really.

In fact, Diddy seems most concerned that Sarah Palin comes from Alaska and not too many Alaskans are addicted to crack. Here’s the video…

You know what? It’s easy to mock, but Diddy actually makes some very good points. Michelle Obama really would have been a better choice of Republican vice presidential candidate because, as Diddy points out, it would have been more ’strategic and fly’ to do that. Let’s hope that John McCain sees sense and appoints Diddy as his Chief Strategy And Flyness Advisor. It’s a no-brainer, really – Diddy gets his long dreamed-of position of political power and John McCain gets, um, a nice pair of sunglasses or something.

Oh, and by the way Diddy – Sir Rock Obama? What are you, seven?

Read more:

P. Diddy’s ‘Diddy-Obama Blog’ slams McCain, Alaska – Monsters And Critics

But it would appear that Paris Hilton is indeed running for the presidency of the United States of America. In a video statement released to political hardline site Funny or Die, Hilton responded to the recent campaign ad from John McCain and the Republican party with her own brand of politics.

In the original ad, Paris was likened to Democratic Senator Barack Obama – popular, but ultimately vacuous and easily forgotten (or maybe it was the other way round). It would seem that young miss Hilton didn’t take too kindly to these words and has launched something of a war on the Republican Party, vowing to bring them down if it’s the last thing she does.

Okay, so maybe we’re going a bit overboard – even told a couple of porkie pies. She isn’t trying to bring down the Republican Party. She isn’t actually running for presidency. And Funny or Die isn’t technically a political hardline site.

But she has been involved in a video response, so it’s not all bad news laced with lies.

The video, produced as a direct response to the Republican campaign advert, stars young Paris – and she’s hardly even naked at all, meaning we live in some bizarre world where she can manage to make something that both isn’t a sex tape and is funny. No, instead of committing lewd acts then releasing the video footage for profit, the Simple Life star simply lazes on a sun lounger and puts forth her views on today’s US politics.

Of course, her words come across as if they were completely, totally and utterly written by no one but Paris Hilton herself. No help involved here. No sireee, not with this mastermind at the helm. Definitely. We’d be willing to bet on that.

Alright, so we’re back to lying again.

Nevertheless, the video is quite funny and Paris doesn’t make herself into a complete tit throughout. Frankly, this is nothing short of a genuine miracle, when you take into account the above-mentioned fact that this isn’t even a sex tape. Paris’ credentials for the presidency aren’t that bad either – she is the perfect wife after all and she’s a genius, though she may run some of her voters over if she isn’t careful.

In all honesty though, we at hecklerspray are still waiting for the Britney Spears response to hit the web. Who knows – maybe a career in politics is just the kind of low-stress job Miss Spears needs, as soon as she’s free to roam again? And the combination of high profile work and actual responsibility could put her in good stead to get her kids back from that prat Kevin Federline. Hey – it’s just a thought.

Or maybe it’ll just get ignored and the whole event will be taken exactly as it’s ’supposed’ to, with people watching, laughing and forgetting. Bah. Watch the video below:

Non-partisan as hecklerspray may be though (you vote for who you actually want to vote for), we can’t help but feel something of an affinity with Barack Obama after his presidential rival John McCain compared the Democrat to both Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.

That’s the kind of politician we could get on board with!

You may be confused – why would we support those likened to Hilton and Spears, she of limited values and she of limited mental wellness? It’s alright; McCain is not saying Obama is a hot little philly to be adored by men and idolised by young women. No, the Republican is getting on board with the hecklerspray way of thinking, seeing Spears and Hilton as vapid wastes of space, sucking up valuable air and not being worth the paper they’re printed on.

What do you mean they’re not actually made of paper? It’s certainly how they come across.

But is McCain alluding to the possibility of Obama having severe mental issues? Is he stating through his campaign ads – in which the comparisons are made – that Barack is likely to lose his kids and have to give them up to Kevin Federline? Because frankly, that’s just harsh. That’s below the belt. That’s downright dirty.

But the question we need to know the answer to – the one that has been keeping us awake for these last few… errm… hours – is this: is Senator John McCain of the Republican party, presidential candidate and genuine Old Man claiming, in a roundabout way probably too subtle for the masses to understand, that he is in possession of a porn film starring Barack Obama?

Is that why he’s equating the Democrat to Paris Hilton? We need to know.

The questions raised by McCain’s political broadcast are sure to get the US talking about the race for the presidency more than ever before. Surely all Obama has to do now is make an appearance on the VMAs and his reign at the helm of the most powerful nation in the world will be guaranteed.

Rick Davis, campaign manager for McCain, let the world in on this fact-nugget:

“I don’t know Paris Hilton and Britney Spears but they are international celebrities, so, you know, apples to apples.”

No, we have no idea either. It’s just a funny quote when you take it out of context.

Check out the video for yourselves, see if you can picture Barack Obama miming to ‘Toxic’ in a bikini top and tight-fitting PVC pants. Because that’s the image it conjures up over here…

Elton John is all of these things, so his say is much louder than someone who is only one or two of those things. And Elton John, he say “Hillary Clinton.”

Elton John has played his New York fundraiser concert for Hillary Clinton, and raised about $2.5 million for her campaign in the process. And then he opened his mouth and said that everyone who didn’t vote for Hillary Clinton can go to hell. Which, yes, technically does include Elton John, but he was already going to hell anyway so it doesn’t matter. You can’t write a song like I Am Your Robot and expect to get away with it.

There have been so many celebrity endorsements of the various candidates running for president this year that it’s left us a bit giddy. And celebrity endorsements are just so pointlessly woolly anyway that they’re hardly worth making.

Really, does anyone care who Heidi Montag supports or what Jack Nicholson thinks? And, really, will an endorsement by Sarah Jessica Parker’s five-year-old son influence voters one way or another? Actually, OK, yes, Sarah Jessica Parker’s five-year-old son probably will influence a lot of voters. You can’t argue with political aptitude like that.

The latest celebrity hoping to tell the public what to think is Elton John. That’s quite a comfortable role for Elton John to take, because he’s always telling us what to think, whether it’s that the internet is stupid or that young people dress badly or that an Elton John-branded scented candle is actually an essential purchase.

And now Elton John is telling people to vote for Hillary Clinton. Elton’s much-anticipated Clinton fundraiser took place last night, and was a rip-roaring success in every conceivable way. Except, you know, the bit where Elton John told everyone to go to hell. Reuters reports:

At the fund-raiser which Clinton’s campaign manager said raised $2.5 million, John said there was no one more qualified to lead the United States into the next era. “Having said that, I never cease to be amazed at the misogynistic attitude of some people in this country. And I say to hell with them. The reason I’m here tonight is to play music, but more importantly as someone who comes from abroad, and is in America quite a lot of the time (and) is extremely interested in the political process because it effects the whole world.”

And Elton John is completely right. Not about the going to hell thing – we’re sure there’s an equally severe punishment for people who don’t vote for Hillary Clinton, like being forced to watch Hillary Clinton’s Sopranos parody again and again. Plus maybe people just want to vote for someone whose chances of securing the Democratic candidacy are a bit less statistically near-impossible.

But, anyway, Elton John was right about the result of the US election having an effect on the whole world.

In fact, the world changes a little bit every time that any country changes governments. So hopefully Elton John will be ready to fight the good fight when the Republic of Palau has its presidential election on November 4. Nothing hypes up them Palauians more than a quick burst of I Think I’m Going To Kill Myself, you know.

Read more:

Clinton supporter Elton John laments U.S. misogyny – Reuters

So imagine – just imagine – what would happen if the general election and the Sex And The City movie hit each other head-on. Imagine the explosion of joy. Scientists would probably bookmark that date as the day when all of Earth's problems were solved forever.

So, people, brace yourself for that exact thing, because it's happened – Sarah Jessica Parker has claimed that her five-year-old son quite likes Barack Obama. And Lego. But mainly Barack Obama. He's harder to ram up your nose than Lego.

The Pennsylvania primaries are just over three weeks away, and they could be the decisive turning point in the battle to become the Democratic candidate for this year's presidential election. It could be the moment when Hillary Clinton defies the odds and takes the lead. She's certainly fought a good fight in the popular culture stakes by imitating Tony Soprano and forcing Jack Nicholson to make a creepy video about her and getting Elton John to sing and stuff. 

But now she may as well just go home. There's not a chance in hell that Hillary Clinton can become the Democratic candidate this year. Not when Barack Obama has secured the endorsement of a heavyweight so monumental that all competitions are going to be skewed dramatically in his favour from now on. That's right – Sarah Jessica Parker's five-year-old son supports Barack Obama.

No really, he does. James Wilkie Broderick has unilaterally sided with Barack Obama after studying his plans for social and economic reform, and also because Barack's face is nice and happy like a clown's face. Here's what Sarah Jessica Parker told People:

"He's very into Barack Obama. On his own! He's really, truly into this election. He's come to this conclusion on his own based specifically on Barack's gender. It's that deep. He's a fan and a true supporter of Barack Obama."

It's a good thing, too, because had James Wilkie Broderick decided to support John McCain, Sarah Jessica Parker is on record as saying she'd drown him in a canal. It's on record, but don't try and source the quote. Our word is good enough.

Now, the more cynical of you might look at Sarah Jessica Parker telling anyone that'll listen about her infant son's political endeavours and think that she's just shamelessly whoring out her child to try and drum up a bit of hype for this summer's Sex And The City movie. And that might be the case. But the important thing is that you can't let Sarah Jessica Parker know you're onto her.

Because, honestly, if plan B involves Sarah Jessica Parker releasing a set of Kristin Davis-style naked photos, then we're all done for. And, really, what's a few months of mildly nauseating baby-talk compared to permanently-damaged retinas?

Read more:

Sarah Jessica Parker's 5-Year-Old Son Supports Barack Obama – People 

And since the only British tubby gay bald gap-toothed piano player with vision problem in existence is Elton John, we must mean him. Elton John is throwing down on the side of Hillary Clinton, and is holding a fundraising concert in New York next month to prove it.

No doubt Elton John's concert will raise a lot of money for Hillary Clinton – it'll basically be the same as his Las Vegas show, but with all the glamour and sex replaced with hectoring speeches about immigration reform. Good old Elton, always giving the people what they want.

The race to become the Democratic candidate in this year's general election isn't going to won or lost with speeches or debates or detailed policy explanations. No. It's already become clear that the Democratic candidate this year will be chosen by celebrities.

And that's right and just and true, because people get sad when celebrities die and they'll barely even notice when you die. Plus your wife would leave you for Ben Affleck in a second, but you don't stand a stinking chance of even ever getting within 250 feet of Jennifer Garner.

And the race to gather the most celebrity endorsements is spookily echoing the actual voting. Barack Obama has more celebrity endorsements, but they're all from rubbish celebrities like The Grateful Dead and Robert DeNiro and Zach Braff and Jessica Biel. Meanwhile, every time it looks as if Hillary Clinton is falling fatally behind in the celebrity endorsement race she'll slam back into contention with a video by a scary old megastar like Jack Nicolson.

And now Hillary Clinton might just be edging ahead, because she's convinced Elton John to play a fundraising concert for her in New York next month even though hes not even American, as the Washington Post reveals:

The British pop icon — who was knighted by HM Queen Elizabeth II — announced today he will be performing to raise money at a Hillary Clinton fundraiser April 9 at Radio City Music Hall in New York… Elton John sent an e-mail today alerting Clinton supporters to the planned performance, including a pricing schedule that will include two tiers of showgoers, those who buy box office seats at $125 or $250, and those who grab choice seats at prices of $500, $1,000 or $2,300 — the maximum allowed for a campaign contribution.

Radio City Music Hall seats 6,000, so there's bound to be a lot of money raised for the Hillary Clinton election effort. However, let's not forget that the Hillary Clinton campaign will have to pay to stage the show itself – and once Elton John has his dressing room filled with flowers and candles and fountains and chocolate statues of himself, we wouldn't exactly be surprised if Hillary Clinton ends up so poor that she has to hitchhike to Pennsylvania next month in return for several grisly handjobs.

But, aside from the short-term financial impact of the concert, will the support of Elton John – a foreigner who hasn't had a US number one for 17 years – help gather up more voters for Hillary Clinton? Hardly – at this point, voters have already hardered into staunch support for either Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton. Sure, there might be a few remaining swing voters around, but none of them will vote until they know who Lindsay Lohan wants to win.

Read more:

Elton John to Croon for Clinton – Washington Post 

Not really – every day is Pancake Day if you're American. In fact, Super Tuesday is when everyone decides which person they'd like to think about choosing as the candidate that might possibly end up being the President or something. And all of the candidates need all the help they can get.

Barack Obama knows this, which is why he got The Grateful Dead to reform in a show of support. So at least he's got the wizened old cheesy-toenailed hippy vote sewn up.

Nothing makes us want to be American more than the way they do their elections. The process isn't like it is here, where there's no big build-up and then everyone forgets to vote on election day because they're stuck on a particularly hard level of Guitar Hero and then spends the next five years grumbling about whoever won even though they're identical to whoever lost, oh no.

America loves elections so much that it spreads them out for years. Even though people have been banging on about the election for months on end, nobody even has the vaguest clue about who'll be running for president. But that changes today – it's Super Tuesday, when 24 states will be holding their primary elections and choosing who they want as a presidential candidate based on a complex algorithm centred around how red each candidate can make their faces go whenever they talk about immigration and who can do the best impression of Tony Soprano. 

Duking it out for the Republican spot is a man who looks uncomfortable around black people and some old bloke who for some reason we believe to only have one shin. But the Democrats have got to choose between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. It's a close-run thing so far, but Barack Obama has a secret weapon up his sleeve that he's been dying to let loose because, frankly, it smells like stale urine.

That's right – The Grateful Dead have reformed just to say how much they like Obama. Well, not all of The Grateful Dead, obviously – but all of the members who haven't died or sold their toilet at auction or both. Reuters reports:

Saying Barack Obama embodies political hope absent since Robert Kennedy was slain 40 years ago, three surviving members of the Grateful Dead rock band reunited on Monday for the first time in four years to back the presidential candidate."Every few generations a guy like this comes along," drummer Mickey Hart told a news conference a day before California's primary, in which Obama, a senator from Illinois, faces New York Sen. Hillary Clinton. "It seems like desperate times and we're desperate people."

It's thought that The Grateful Dead only reformed for Barack Obama so long as he promises to use his presidency to implement compulsory beard legislation and a rule banning songs from ending until they've fallen into a pointless nine-minute freeform wank jam that everyone gets sick of the second it begins.

But will a bunch of old men who smell like patchouli oil and the inside of Snoop Dogg's car manage to secure Barack Obama a Super Tuesday victory? Well, politics can be a very complex business and… look, we don't know, OK? We're way out of depths here and we honestly don't have a clue about any of it. We don't even live in America for God's sake. We just thought it'd be funny to mock hippies for a bit. Sorry.

Read more:

Grateful Dead and Deadheads reunite for Obama – Reuters 

Either way he’d clearly be a good man to turn to in times of need – you’ve got to give him his dues. Also, if you ever felt yourself thinking "I really want to listen to someone who can spell out their name in a variety of different ways," then Snoop Dogg is definitely da man – he has spent his entire career seemingly doing little else than pushing back the boundaries of that particular art form – you really do have to give him his dues.

But is Snoop Dogg da man to turn to when looking for advice on the Democratic preliminaries? Shall we find out? Yeah, let’s find out.

In an interview with CNN’s Larry King – aired on Friday 9pm – Snoop Dogg said:

“I just want to see somebody win in the best interest of America — whether it be [Obama], a black man, or whether it be Hillary, a woman, either one is a great move for America.”

Just like to thank Snoop there for confirming to any doubters out there that Hilary Clinton is indeed a woman. Keep going Dogg:

“We need change. We need somebody in there that's about listening to the people and representing the people. I think both of the candidates will do that.”

Can you actually believe this man duetted with Rage Against the Machine? What were they thinking? Sorry, Dogg, keep going:

“In the past we had presidential candidates like [Rev.] Jesse Jackson. We didn't really think he can win. Right now people feel like this man could really win. He's got the right thing going for him. He's got the right conversation.”

That’s all very well, but could you try and be a bit more vague?

“He's in line with the right scenario to win. Whether he wins or loses, he made a great step for black America by even stepping to the table and pulling off something like this – I'm not down with the Republican Party or the Democratic Party. I represent the Gangsta Party."

Yes. He represents the Gangsta party, who – it turns out – vote for the Democratic Party. The Democrats – a party who have invested millions upon millions in the war against drugs, and have been known to give marijuana dealers sentences that outstretch that of a paedophile. How do you spell sell-out, Snoop? We’re sure you can think of some ways.

If you remain a fan of Snoop, even after this career-ending article, then you may be interested to know that he releases his ninth studio album, Ego Trippin, on March 17, which may include the rapping skills of David Beckham.

Read more: 

Snoop Dogg torn between Obama, Clinton – CNN

Let’s face it – even if you ascribe to Bill Hicks’ philosophy that American politics is basically choosing which puppet can give the best impression of your beliefs (something Britain seems to have emulated too), then you might as well make a bit of cash out of this whole upcoming election shebang.

So we’re all doomed to Armageddon no matter who gets into office? Who cares? You’ve got a tenner that’s burning a hole in yer pocket, and you’ll be damned if you’re not going to do something election-based with it, right here, right now.

Let’s kick things off with the big boy, then: the betting odds for which party is going to win the 2008 US Presidential Election, as mapped out by those lovely people over at Paddy Power.

Republican Party (Odds: 7-4)

Anyone with a base grasp of world affairs – so Big Brother contestants can look away now – will be aware that the Republicans presently hold office by virtue of grinning simpleton George W. Bush.

This is something of a disappointing low point in their legacy thus far. Even if you don’t agree with their politics, any party that can count Ulysses S. Grant - a name surely on a par with Hercules T. Magnificent or Jesus Q. Megatron – among their past leaders has it least got it right in the impressive-sounding stakes. Being British, we don’t really know anything about old Ulysses here at hecklerspray, except for the fact that he was apparently known for ‘tolerating financial and politician corruption among top aides.’ Hey – maybe he’s not so different from Georgie-boy after all.

George won’t be eligible for president this time around, though, as a) American rules forbid any president ruling for more than two terms, and b) he has a lot of colouring-in to catch up on. And those Garfield And Friends puzzle books don’t fill themselves in, you know.  He’ll be replaced by either John McCain, Mitt Romney, Rudolph Giuliani, Ron Paul, Fred Thompson or the terrifying Mike Huckabee. We’ll be going further in depth about these fellows soon enough, but for now all you need to know is that the Republican Winning Odds stand at 7-4.

Democrat Party – 2-5

The oldest political party in the United States, you can trace the roots of this organisation way back to 1792, roughly around the same time Jackie Collins was born. Left-leaning and liberal, the Democrats generally tend not to take such a rabidly knee-jerk view of things as their main political rivals, and rank John F Kennedy as among their previous leaders.

Certain party figureheads, though, have been quite fond of inserting cigars into the vaginas of young lady interns, which last time we checked isn’t common practise in any workplace we know (JJB Sports have yet to get back to us on the matter). And it hasn’t been a total success story over the years – there’ve been quite a few election losses, including two by Adlai Stevenson (who kind of made up for it by having a Sufjan Stevens song written about him).

Last time the Democrats were running for office, they made the insane choice of having John Kerry as their leader – a man who decided to act as a refreshing alternative to the war-crazy government by waffling on about Vietnam all the time and saluting every baby he was handed to kiss. This time around, however, it could either be Hilary Clinton, Barack Obama or John Edwards trying to grab votes. As with the Repubs, there’ll be more on them from us soon, but in the meantime you just pay attention to those 2-5 betting odds, mister.

Paddy Power Election Betting Odds