Twilight fans, otherwise known as Twihards or obese pre-pubescent girls who need to go outside once in a while, are a notoriously crazy bunch. But one woman is determined to out crazy all of them by claiming she has some sort of right to be famous due to some arbitrary link with the series.

Hand model Kimbra Hickey, a woman who we’re sure has made up both her name and her job in order to appear slightly interesting, claims that it’s time she got her 15 minutes of fame from the poorly-written faux-Vampire franchise as it’s her hands that appear on the cover of the first book.

Ms. Hickey admitted that she often carries an apple around with her in hope that by holding said apple people will automatically recognise her hands and lavish her with praise and adoration. They don’t. This could partly be attributed to the fact people’s hands look pretty much the same, but it’s mostly because no one actually cares.

The lack of interest hasn’t stopped out Simba Kimbra though; she’s after a part in the latest Twilight film, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn. Her hand modelling shows us that she already has about as much acting talent as the incredibly one dimensional Robert Pattinson or the allegedly Vagina-less and jaw-droppingly wooden Kristen Stewart, but as yet she hasn’t heard back from the casting director and we can’t say we’re too surprised.

Hickey’s agent, Danielle Korwin, said that her client’s hands were in demand because they were veinless. Korwin then went on to state that they obviously weren’t the sort of hands a vampire would like. Did you see what she did there? Did you? She’s pretty sharp that one, with wit like that it’s no wonder her client is a worldwide star… wait… she’s not? Oh.

Anywho, until fame appears at her bedroom window one night to come and sweep her away, Kimbra Hickey is going to have to make do with her apparently lucrative hand modelling career and the fact that in a few years time, it’ll be a totally different kind of hand job she’ll have to rely on in order to make ends meet.

For most sane people Twilight is synonymous with a lot of things, none of them good. But here is a rundown of all the things that give this awful franchise its faecal aftertaste.

Like vomit in an open sewer or Paris Hilton in a Uwe Boll movie, here is proof that you can make a bad thing worse.

Ladies and gentlemen, the top five worst things about Twilight…

1. Edward Cullen

Oh how do I loathe thee. Let me count the ways. Mainly, I love the constant insistence that he’s the most perfect, amazing guy ever oh my god. When actually he’s a soulless, (pun not intended) commercial grab for money. He’s the slow-witted test tube baby of romantic literary characters. Attentive, loving, doesn’t want to look at another girl, has never had sex, is non-threatening except to other guys (and actually to Bella, but his emotional abuse is hidden under a cloak of affection and caring. Like she is a cherished pet). And, oh is he handsome! So enamored with her own creation is Stephanie Meyer that at parts it was actually uncomfortable to read (even more so than usual, at the very least). This god-like emblem of virile, virginal perfection is literally designed to dampen panties. The sad part is I know that Stephanie Meyer didn’t even realise this while writing it, she just wrote about a dude she genuinely would have liked to have sex with.

2. Bella Swan

I’m surprised Stephanie Meyer even gave her a name as just writing ‘YOU’ would have worked just as well. A bland, po-faced Mary Sue type, Bella merely acts as a warm body for the squealing fans to mentally paste their own faces onto. Despite being described as plain, she is immediately accosted by every boy in her school, fought over by a totally buff hottie werewolf and a sexy, smoldering vampire, gets married to said vampire, gives birth to a perfect child and gets turned into a vampire which of course makes her irresistible to every man ever, not just the STUPID HICKS back home. And what did she do to deserve this plethora of blessings? Fuck all. She spends most of the books whining and bitching about how everyone in Forks (where she dwells, broodingly) is an asshole for being nice to her because they are not her precious Edward or a member of his family. She manages to almost succeed in killing herself several times, but is continuously saved by her various suitors and admirers. Not one single scene in the books or the movie gives insight into a reason why this girl is any way interesting, apart from the fact that Eddykins can’t read her mind, as he can everyone else’s. Because she’s Norma Everygirl. A mouth-breathing dullard who stumbled into the perfect existence. And it could happen to you. Like, one day for no reason, a handsome vampire on a noble steed will ride through the BT tower to your cubicle, extend an alabaster hand and say “come away with me” in a deep masculine voice. You are actually secretly special.

3. Breaking Dawn (The Book)

All the books were equally as terrible but this one holds a special place in my heart for some truly horrifying imagery. This is the book when Bella and Edward finally get it on. And apparently his 116-year-old wang was still capable of magic because he manages to get Bella pregnant. Whatever. Can I just point out that this motherfucker chews through Bella’s womb to get the baby out. Yes, her womb. He chews through her womb. And there is detail. Not a great deal, but more then you would ever actually want. Which would be none at all. And that my friends, is what I see when I close my eyes now.

4. The Fans

There are many types of fans of this franchise. The crazed superfan, angry at the suggestion that the series is anything less then doctrine sent from the dizzying heights of Olympus. The lonely depressed soccer mom, eschewing much needed anti-depressants in favour of daydreaming about a fictional man in a terrible book, the dull-eyed teenage halfwit who insists the series is so good ‘its not even like reading!’. The messageboard enthusiasts, discussing ‘funny Twilight‘ shit they’ve done like calling their husbands ‘Edward’ or spewing bilious rage over the fact that someone dared insult a lady who wouldn’t spit on them if they were on fire. I appreciate that there are some fans who just see it as a silly escapism, but we all know, they are not the majority.

5. The Movie

I’ve said this before but its terrible. The celluloid equivalent of waking up and finding all your hair on your pillow. Of walking in on your father having gratuitous congress with a blow up doll. Of the crushing realisation that people got rich and famous from this scooped out abortion of a movie. Also, both the main actors were off their tits on Xanax and/or Vicodin I don’t care what anyone says. You don’t get that prescription drug glaze to your eyes from Red Bull.

This was a guest blog by Amy Green.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!