More then likely because it’s not real.

But for once we have to hold our massive hands up and admit that someone does actually know where the sodding place is. Would you believe it, the person in question is the most unlikely of sources; none other then publicity-seeking semi-celebrity and occasional footballer David Beckham.

Perhaps he stumbled on the Street after getting lost on his journey back from training to his fifty-seven bathroomed mansion. You do have to feel sorry for the poor kid, seeing as he has probably just learned the difference between left and right.

The new football season is yet to kick off, meaning it must be the kind of time when all professionals in the game are looking for something to do – if it isn’t polishing up on their roasting skills, then its whoring yourself out for bread-based rewards.

So what are the UK’s finest footballing export and pointless wife thinking of doing to dominate every media opportunity available? Clashing our heads together, we’ve come to realise that the only realistic TV appearances Becks could make would be for his personal mental development – a journey of educational discover in one of America’s fine learning institutions. But which one?

Let’s face it; do you really think that he could turn up to some fancy looking high school like in One Tree Hill without looking out of place? No. In fact, the only place he could squeeze in and almost look like he fit in would be at Bayside High with AC Slater and the gang, as David donned Lycra to try out for the homoerotic wrestling team. Though that’s not really an option now, with most of the Saved By The Bell cast (read: Screech) off doing porn and things.

No, the typical American school (off of TV) is no place for thirty three-year-old bloke with such a hectic lifestyle. As we all know, he’s too busy when he isn’t playing football, looking after his wife and pretending to care about her latest trauma when she doesn’t get the latest pair of six inch Jimmy Choo heels in custard yellow.

So what is the best alternative place of learning for an American? If you haven’t realised already, it’s Sesame Street. The show has been running for thirty nine series and is still going strong – though sadly for the UK, we never recieved the full benefit of the program like our American counterparts, with the show ceasing to be aired in favour of The Hoobs. Strangely though, despite their extra years of education, our friends across the pond still sometimes come across as a bit slow.

Show bosses have picked up on David Beckham’s fascination with Sesame Street, and though there is the distinct possibility that his young children know better than daddy does that Bert, Ernie, Big Bird and Elmo aren’t actually real, we aren’t about to ruin the illusion. After all, we don’t want tears before the bedtime milk and cookies are served. A source told Closer magazine:

“David has always been a huge fan. When he was a kid he watched it and knew all the characters.”

See! He knows all the characters! All of the people who said that a bag of spanners were more intelligent than David Beckham can just leave the building now.

So what’s he actually going to be doing? Because the show is educational and all that, there isn’t going to be a special football-based version of the programme with David demonstrating his flicks, kicks and other fancy tricks. Closer again informs us that he’ll:

“Teach Elmo how to spell his favourite word. And you never guess what it is! Not posh, foot or ball – it’s persistent.”

Persistent? We thought that ‘ball’ or ‘goal’ would be obvious, but persistent? Could that be used in a sentence commonly uttered by Becks? “My wife is persistent in grabbing limelight for herself” or “My wife is persistent in her quest to not just be written off as a footnote in the history of celebrity.”

Besides, we thought Elmo’s favourite word would be hamburger. You learn something every day it seems.

Clearly the man needs help to get his popularity shifting upwards again. And, having looked at the problem thoroughly, Gordon Brown found the only person on the face of the Earth who even came close to matching his requirements. Shakira.

No, really. Shakira. Shakira and Gordon Brown have been yammering away on the phone trying to thrash out a solution to third world education. We know, this news makes us want to rush out and vote for Gordon Brown immediately too, but let’s be smart here – if we play it cool enough, Brown won’t stop at Shakira. Finally, our dreams of seeing Eva Longoria as a Secretary Of State For Work And Pensions have got one step closer to reality!

Politicians and pop stars aren’t so different, really. Take Gordon Brown and Shakira for example – recently Brown’s been busy examining his stance on biofuel in the wake of the global fuel crisis, and Shakira has been wiggling her tits around independently of each other while singing a song about how she shags blokes real good. One and the same, one and the same.

Of course, there are subtle differences between the two of them as well – recent rumours of a three-way Shakira sex tape got the world more excited than it had ever been, while the thought of Gordon Brown filming himself having sex just makes people want to throw up, rub the thrown-up vomit into their eyes until they’re blind, set themselves on fire and run screaming into a dirty syringe factory chased by an angry bear.

Despite this, though, one of two things were always going to happen when Shakira and Gordon Brown got together. Either a) they’d discuss the need for increased aid and debt relief in third world countries to help implement a universal basic education system, or b) they’d have a red-hot sexalicious rumpity-pump bonking sesh with three buckets of honey and a midget David Cameron lookalike dressed in a rubber gimp suit.

Yeah, it was the first one. Shame. The Press Association reports:

Pop star Shakira, famous for songs such as Hips Don’t Lie, heaped praise on the PM, saying he is “very smart” and “brave” with “wonderful intentions”. The unlikely pair came together on a conference call to discuss education in the Third World, with the world’s media listening in. In the call, which also featured World Bank president Robert Zoellick, the PM and the singer spoke of their backing for the Global Campaign for Education which aims to have every child in the world in school by 2015.

In fact, Shakira is just the latest piece of celebrity totty who Gordon Brown has pretended to be interested in recently. Not so long ago he was doing the exact same thing with Angelina Jolie, which at least proves that Gordon Brown is dedicated to getting every child in the world in school so long as a pretty lady is explaining it for him.

And, who knows, Gordon Brown might even get a bump in the polls by associating himself so closely with Shakira. If so, we can all look forward to Brown pushing through the Jessica Simpson-initiated Look At My Hair It’s Real Shiny And Cute Like A Princess Or An Angel Act 2008 any day now.

Which, admittedly, is better than letting Bono anywhere near Downing Street. Honestly, that’d just be political suicide.

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Shakira heaps praise on ’smart’ PM – PA