9 – This is what we like. Feelgood stories about bottoms being stapled shut - Baltimore Examiner

8 – As an apology for the Taliban, the Afghans try to assassinate Ant & Dec – Holy Moly

7 - This woman says we should have more manners. Hey lady! Stick your manners up your tits! – Divine Caroline

6 - Now this is manners – Burbia

5 - Micheal Cera’s about to star in a new film where even his T-shirts are the same as in every other movie – Defamer

4 – Hey David Blaine! EAT THIS! Seriously – Best Week Ever

3 - Sensational midgets. You heard – Rock The List

2 – No idea who this woman is, but she looks famous and she licks dogs. Isn’t that enough? - Dlisted

1 - Still quite sad about Paul Newman, aren’t we. We don’t know if this helps or not.

Madonna, as we all know, is a renegade – in both senses of the word.

Indeed, if you were to google the word 'renegade', the returning results would probably offer little more than a biog of her maverick career, alongside the likes of Jesse James, Billy the Kid and Mel Gibson.

What Madonna wants, Madonna gets. If Madonna wants a 'brown' baby, Madonna gets a 'brown' baby. If Madonna wants to speak on behalf of Jesus, then she will goddamn speak on behalf of Jesus. And if Madonna wants to post a video of herself inserting a crucifix into her vagina, then Madonna will, without a moment's hesitation, post a video of herself inserting a crucifix into her vagina (we seem to be having some trouble getting that last link to work, for some fictitious reason. You dirty bastards).

And if Madonna wants to emigrate to the UK and call the Mayor of London a commy-twat then, well, she'll do it, won't she? And she has. Talking to Q Magazine, she said:

"Will Ken Livingstone get my vote? No. The traffic in London is worse
than ever now. All Red Ken wants is roadworks going on everywhere."

Worse than ever? She's only been living there five minutes and suddenly she's an expert on the history of London's infrastructure!? Just another day in the life of a renegade, we suppose. But what exactly would Madonna do if she was in 'Red' Ken's shoes?

"I would make it so that young musicians, aspiring musicians, wouldn't have to pay the congestion charge or pay taxes. They would be exempt from those kind of things, so they would have more money to do other things." 

Wow! Madonna for Mayor! Madonna for Mayor! God, imagine that, what a wonderful world this would be! She'd certainly get our vote. But we're quite short-sighted when it comes to economics here at hecklerspray, and so – just to be on the safe side – we have run Madge's proposal past the pedantic ear of hecklerspray's senior economist, Samuel Long, who commented thus:

"If the 'Madonna Tax' was to come in to effect, then she would certainly have – in the initial few weeks, at least – the highest approval rating in living memory. But as the population of London wise up to the fact that all they need do to avoid paying taxes is buy themselves a cheap guitar and learn their first chord then, within a month, society as we know it would shut down entirely. The budget would be depleted to levels not seen since pre-1308. There would be inadequate funding for the dustmen and the police to sweep up the dirt and scum that would be violently erupting on the streets. Within two months women and children would be being raped willy-nilly, each and everyone of us would be praying to God to forgive us for ever listening to this heathen, and the Thames would be swimming with rotting Westfields and Fender Stratocasters. Basically, what I'm saying is that Ken Livingstone would have the last laugh."

God damn Samuel Long – he always ruins everything! First, he rejects Stuart Heritage's proposal of getting our own hecklerspray helicopter – our own hecklercopter to trawl the sky for up-to-the-minute celebrity news – just because 'we absolutely can't afford it' and that 'it's totally immoral to hover over Christina Aguilera's house trying to perve on her back-garden love making'.

He spoils all our fun. 

Still, he's probably right.

Read More – Red Ken won't get my vote – Madonna – The Press Association