Twilight fans, otherwise known as Twihards or obese pre-pubescent girls who need to go outside once in a while, are a notoriously crazy bunch. But one woman is determined to out crazy all of them by claiming she has some sort of right to be famous due to some arbitrary link with the series.

Hand model Kimbra Hickey, a woman who we’re sure has made up both her name and her job in order to appear slightly interesting, claims that it’s time she got her 15 minutes of fame from the poorly-written faux-Vampire franchise as it’s her hands that appear on the cover of the first book.

Ms. Hickey admitted that she often carries an apple around with her in hope that by holding said apple people will automatically recognise her hands and lavish her with praise and adoration. They don’t. This could partly be attributed to the fact people’s hands look pretty much the same, but it’s mostly because no one actually cares.

The lack of interest hasn’t stopped out Simba Kimbra though; she’s after a part in the latest Twilight film, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn. Her hand modelling shows us that she already has about as much acting talent as the incredibly one dimensional Robert Pattinson or the allegedly Vagina-less and jaw-droppingly wooden Kristen Stewart, but as yet she hasn’t heard back from the casting director and we can’t say we’re too surprised.

Hickey’s agent, Danielle Korwin, said that her client’s hands were in demand because they were veinless. Korwin then went on to state that they obviously weren’t the sort of hands a vampire would like. Did you see what she did there? Did you? She’s pretty sharp that one, with wit like that it’s no wonder her client is a worldwide star… wait… she’s not? Oh.

Anywho, until fame appears at her bedroom window one night to come and sweep her away, Kimbra Hickey is going to have to make do with her apparently lucrative hand modelling career and the fact that in a few years time, it’ll be a totally different kind of hand job she’ll have to rely on in order to make ends meet.

Oh, don’t pretend to be surprised. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse is number one at the US weekend box office.

It explains so much. Eclipse‘s success explains why no teenage girls were to be seen all weekend, and it explains that constant low-level shrieking you’ve been hearing all weekend, and it explains why everywhere’s ankle-deep in urine all of a sudden.

What’s more, Eclipse is supposed to be the best Twilight film so far. To be fair, that’s not saying much because we could film mould growing on warm yogurt and the end result would still be better than both Twilight and New Moon combined. Plus if we left it long enough it’d end up having hair like Robert Pattinson. And it’d probably smell like him, too. Anyway, full US weekend top five after the jump.

1 – The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Presumably called Eclipse because, at the Leicester Square premiere on Thursday, the sun was entirely blotted out by the millions of drooling, panda-eyed 14-year-old girls who essentially spent an hour screaming for their lives at an empty balcony. God, we can’t stand young people) $69,000,000

2 - The Last Airbender (So you just made a film, a widely reviled film, where the baddie is basically the wind. People hated you for making that film. So what do you follow it up with? A film about a boy who can bend wind. God, we can’t stand M Night Shyamalan) $40,650,000

3 - Toy Story 3 (We can’t wait for Cars 2, you know. If Pixar’s fondness for misery continues, it’ll be about smack addiction and infanticide. Awesome) $30,174,000

4 - Grown Ups (Speaking of which, we’d quite like Adam Sandler to make a film about smack addiction and infanticide. At least it’d be the first film of his that was intentionally depressing) $18,500,000

5 - Knight & Day (We’re not blaming the failure of Knight & Day on Tom Cruise. We’re blaming it on the fact that his character is not called Roy Knight and Cameron Diaz‘s character is not called June Day. Didn’t the writers read the rules? That’s how it’s supposed to work, idiots) $10,200,000

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Next month’s London premiere of Twilight: Eclipse should have been amazing. Robert Pattinson would be there.

Kristen Stewart would be there. At least one of Taylor Lautner‘s nipples may have been down as a heavy pencil. The whole thing should have been so incredibly star-studded that it was bound to provoke enough involuntary urination to make the City of Westminster look like that bit from 2012 where the White House gets taken out by a tsunami.

But that dream is in tatters now. Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner have decided that they won’t be attending the London premiere of Twilight: Eclipse. Stewart and Lautner we can understand, but what’s Robert Pattinson’s excuse? That he’s washing his hair? Oh, hardly.

Maybe we’re being too unnecessarily harsh here. Of course Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner don’t hate British people. One of them used to be a British person, for crying out loud, until his hair took over and he became an official resident of The Enchanted Bogswamp. They’ve decided to attend the British premiere of Twilight: Eclipse next month, but they’ve all got perfectly good reasons for it.

Robert Pattinson, for instance, has pulled out because of a scheduling conflict that means he’ll be filming Water For Elephants instead. Kristen Stewart can’t be there because she’s realised that she’s starting to look less and less uncomfortably awkward in public, and has cancelled all appearances until her team has invented a pair of knickers made of stinging nettles and broken glass that can bring the trademark Kristen Stewart scowl back where it belongs. And Taylor Lautner won’t be there because, oh, his nipples want to backpack across Mexico or something.

The important thing is that British Twilight fans don’t get upset. There’ll be plenty of other Twilight: Eclipse stars at the premiere, as Digital Spy reports:

A statement from Eclipse‘s UK distributor E1 Entertainment revealed that franchise stars Ashley Greene (Alice Cullen), Kellan Lutz (Emmett Cullen), Nikki Reed (Rosalie Cullen), Alex Meraz (Paul), Booboo Stewart (Seth Clearwater) and Xavier Samuel (Riley) will all be present at the premiere.

Oh brilliant! Booboo Stewart will be attending the premiere! You, know, Booboo Stewart. He plays Seth Clearwater, who is apparently a Twilight character. And these aren’t the only Twlight stars set to walk the red carpet in London next month – rumour has it that the dreadlocked sort of Matrixy werewolf bloke from the last Twilight film will be there, along with the seventh extra from the left from the fourth crowd scene of Eclipse. You know, the one with the hat.

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This week Robert Pattinson became the first person on the face of the bloody planet to ever get a poxy haircut.

Or something. It was like magic. One minute Robert Pattinson’s hair was all long and crap-looking, and then it suddenly became slightly shorter and crap-looking. We’ve yet to discover how Robert Pattinson managed to make his hair shorter – maybe he used witchcraft, or maybe he rubbed it with a stone or something – but has that stopped him parading the new haircut around like some sort of dirty-looking magic-headed peacock, has it? No. No it jolly well hasn’t.

Since the haircut, Robert Pattinson has appeared on Ellen to show his new look off. Apparently he told everyone that he had it cut because he’s got nits. Those lucky nits! What we wouldn’t give to be able to burrow into Robert Pattinson’s scalp and shit eggs all over the place. Right girls?

We have to hand it to the Twilight marketing department – it’s doing a bang-up job of promoting Eclipse around the world. A few weeks ago we were worried that the whole thing would hinge on the question of whether or not Robert Pattinson was sticking it in Kristen Stewart with any sort of meaningful regularity, but that anxiety is a thing of the past.

Instead, the Twilight marketing department has opted for a multi-pronged approach. Yes, people are still talking about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart’s relationship – but that’s been augmented with tales of how greedy the other Twilight stars are and, most importantly, Robert Pattinson’s new haircut.

You’ll remember – because it’s hands-down the biggest news story of the century – that Robert Pattinson got his hair cut this week. It’s essentially caused a frenzy of worry – will people still fancy Robert Pattinson with shorter hair? Will 14-year-old girls still urinate at the sight of him? What if they don’t? What if all teenage girls stop urinating altogether because of Robert Pattinson’s short hair? Do governments have a large enough reserve of pyonephrosis medication to combat such a turn of events? DO THEY? – but nobody knows why Robert Pattinson cut his hair in the first place.

But, thanks to an appearance on Ellen, they do now. MTV reports:

Asked by Ellen why he decided to cut his hair, Pattinson jokingly replied: “I got a terrible infestation of nits, and I had to shave it all off.” After Ellen informed the actor that “nits” are actually called “head lice” in the United States, she gently advised him not to “start that rumor.” No, I’m doing a film,” he revealed of the real reason behind his haircut.

You see? He was only joking! Robert Pattinson doesn’t really have nits! It’s obvious when you think about it, isn’t it? After all, nits are notorious for only living on clean hair, not hair that looks like it’s been matted with a mixture of semen and blood like Robert Pattinson has got! Oh Robert Pattinson, you really are a hilarious one.

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This is awful news. Terrible news. Read this news and your life will never be the same again. It’s Robert Pattinson.

He’s changed his hair. This is a disaster. In years to come, your grandchildren will look up and ask you “Where were you when Robert Pattinson changed his hair?” And you’ll have to reply “I can’t remember what I was doing. I just remember passing out as soon as someone told me, and then waking up 20 minutes later in a pool of urine. Not happy urine, either. It was sad urine. SAD URINE.”

Without hyperbole, this is the follicular 9/11 – the Tiananmen Hair Massacre, if you will. Oh Robert Pattinson, how could you? You’ve cut off your nose to spite your own face. In fact, it would have been better if you had cut off your nose. At least noses grow back. Not like hair, Robert Pattinson. NOT LIKE HAIR.

This is a crucial time in Robert Pattinson’s career. He no longer enjoys the sole possession of the screeching army of moronic, perpetually-urinating 14-year-old girls that once made up his fanbase. He now has to share the limelight with the likes of Taylor Lautner‘s nipples and Justin Bieber‘s haircut. And, if decisive moves aren’t taken to crush Greyson Chance‘s dreams forever before they have a chance to properly flourish, Pattinson might lose the support of the screaming nitwits entirely.

In short, Robert Pattinson needs to play to his strengths. With Twilight: Eclipse just a few weeks away, Robert Pattinson needs to make sure that he does two things above all others – 1) play up his tedious maybe-relationship with Kristen Stewart at every turn, and 2) keep his hair as long and unkempt and trampish and unwashed and smelly-looking as possible. That’s the key to Robert Pattinson’s success. He’s just like Samson, really, only with more immediately noticeable hygiene issues.

Except, no, that’s not what Robert Pattinson has done at all. He’s only gone and cut his hair, hasn’t he? This is the worst news of all time! A world without Robert Pattinson’s hair is a world that we don’t want to be a part of. We might as well just kill ourselves right this bloody instant. People reports:

Twilight heartthrob Robert Pattinson was spotted hiding what looks to be a new buzz cut under a baseball cap while out and about  in Los Angeles this weekend. While it’s difficult to see his entire head without x-ray vision, it appears that the British actor has at least shaved the sides of his hair into a close crop.

Oh, so Robert Pattinson has either cut his hair or he just went outside wearing a hat, which would admittedly be slightly less of a big deal. Still, though, even that is slightly discomforting. Robert Pattinson wearing a hat would be like Taylor Lautner wearing a shirt of a jumper of a vest or some nipple tassles – wrong in every conceivable way. We’re going to avoid Eclipse now, purely because of this Robert Pattinson hair issue. And, you know, because Twilight is a sack of bollocks and only idiots like it. Both reasons, really.

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Justin Bieber was on Oprah this week. Now the Twilight cast are, too. Next week: Barney The Purple Dinosaur.

Or a picture of a cat. Or whatever it is that teenage girls go crazy for these days. We don’t know. Anyway, Oprah’s Twilight interview will go down as one of the most awkward in history, because of one thing – Oprah made Taylor Lautner wear a shirt. It was horrible. He looked uncomfortable, his fans could barely recognise him, and Taylor Lautner’s nipples – furious about being ignored in public – are now planning to leave Taylor in favour of a multi-year deal on a series of low-budget firemen calendars.

Oh, and Oprah Winfrey asked Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart if they were dating. It was quite a moment – as soon as she asked it, Oprah was presented with a luxury food hamper for being the millionth person to ask them that. Congratulations, Oprah!

In a way, it’s great that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart won’t reveal whether they’re dating or not, because it gives the Twilight marketing department something to work with. Because what’s the alternative? Making the stars actually talk about the Twilight films? Imagine how boring that’d be. “So, Kristen, what was the biggest challenge of making the new Twilight film?” “Well Oprah, it was probably the part where I had to stare dumbly into space like a dickhead for the entire poxy movie.”

No, it’s much better to talk about whether Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are dating. It adds to the verisimilitude of the Twilight films, but more than that it gives Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson the opportunity to either shuffle around awkwardly or basically look ungrateful about their wealth and celebrity, which are the two things they enjoy doing the most.

So when they appeared on Oprah yesterday, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart ended up being asked in no uncertain terms whether they were a romantic item or not. Here’s how they answered, according to USA Today:

Oprah point blank asked, “Are you dating?” “Kristen’s pregnant,” Pattinson deadpanned, and Stewart jumped in. “He really loves to shock people because he thinks it’s funny. No, we’ve actually had this conversation. He’s having the baby.” Then she added, “Imagine a baby coming out of this thing,” as she patted her hips. “That’s just not going to happen.”

And just think, there’s a full month to go before Eclipse is released. That means we’ve only got to see Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart dodge the exact same question approximately 450 times between now and then. We literally can’t wait. By which we mean that we can wait. By which we mean that we’d rather eat glass than have to write about this again.

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We cannot wait for Eclipse to be released. We mean that. It’s going to be the highlight of our entire lives.

What’ll happen in Eclispe? We just don’t know! Obviously we could just read the book, but what’s the point of that? How many of Taylor Lautner‘s nipples will we see in the book, huh? None, that’s how many. Hey Stephenie Meyer, sellotape some of Taylor Lautner’s nipples into your stupid books and maybe we’ll think about reading them, OK?

But Eclipse isn’t out for, like, a million years. And so we just have to take what we’re given, like the three brand new still photos from Eclipse. They’re awesome! Five people sort of stand around in one of them, and two people sort of stand around in another one of them, and three people sort of stand around in another one of them. Wanna see? OK! They’re AWESOME!

Honestly, Eclipse can’t come out soon enough. We can’t wait to see what happens in it. We heard from a top-secret source that at one point Taylor Lautner is totally going to take his shirt off, and that Kristen Stewart is probably going to pull a face that makes her look a bit like she doesn’t understand anything that’s going on and a bit like she’s just caught a whiff of rancid yoghurt. Oh, and Robert Pattinon‘s hair is rumoured to look like a giant dermoid teratoma tumour has crash-landed into his head. It’s all speculation, of course, but nevertheless – SQUEEEE!

We do know little bits about Eclipse, though – last month’s Eclipse trailer provided us with the knowledge that it’s going to be EXACTLY THE SAME AS ALL THE OTHER POXY TWILIGHT FILMS, for example – but that’s not enough. No, we won’t rest until we’ve been given three new Eclipse photos! Three new Eclipse photos where very little appears to be happening to anybody!

What’s that? Three new Eclipse photos where very little appears to be happening to anybody have just been released? AWESOME! Let’s take a look at them, shall we?

New Eclipse photo where very little appears to be happening to anybody NUMBER ONE:

This is where the town, after seeing off the vampires and the werewolves, has to endure an attack from the most feared monsters of all – the Levi models. They’re just like vampires and werewolves, but even scarier because after they’ve eaten you they vomit you back up again because it’s a very competitive industry and they don’t want to lose their figures. Also, check out the hottie second in from the right. She is a VERY SEXY LADY INDEED.

New Eclipse photo where very little appears to be happening to anybody NUMBER TWO:

Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner sitting in front of a fire, which doesn’t make any sense because Taylor Lautner is wearing clothes and fire was only originally invented as a device to persuade Taylor Lautner to get his nipples out. WHAT GIVES, ECLIPSE?

New Eclipse photos where very little appears to be happening to anybody NUMBER THREE:

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart stage an intervention for Taylor Lautner because he has a shoulder tattoo, hangs out on his porch a lot and wears a vest, so is therefore only a single mullet away from becoming a full-on redneck. Also, judging by this photo, Kristen Stewart has just caught a whiff of some rancid yoghurt.

Image credit: Kimberley French

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Hear that? That’s the sound of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart’s grim acceptance that they’ll never be free from this thing.

Never. Never ever. Every time they think they can see end to this Twilight nonsense, the goalposts get moved. Maybe the first Twilight film would be a flop and that’d be the end of it, they thought. But it wasn’t. Maybe Breaking Dawn will turn out to be unfilmable so there’d only be three Twilight films instead of four, they thought. But not only is Breaking Dawn filmable, it’s being divided into two separate movies. They can’t win.

But, hey, at least Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart can reassure themselves with the fact that there’ll be five Twilight films tops, right? Nope – Stephenie Meyer has just written another Twilight book. We don’t know who’s more depressed, us or them. What’s that? It’s us? By a fairly considerable margin? Oh.

The Twilight series of book has already given us so much – it’s given us topless werewolves, creepy old vampires who want to screw schoolchildren, an unpleasant conservative pro-abstinence agenda masquerading as adolescent literature and, most importantly, a lead character dumbly submissive enough to single-handedly set feminism back by about six decades.

But you know what the Twilight books haven’t given us? An entire retelling of Eclipse from the perspective of a newborn vampire baby. We know! We can’t believe that we’ve got this far without that, too! Luckily, though, Stephenie Meyer has sensed our pain and, motivated by a total humiliating lack of ideas love for the Twilight fans, she’s gone away and written one. And it’s out really soon, too. The Los Angeles Times reports:

Attention, “Twilight” fans: Stephenie Meyer has a new book coming out. Little, Brown Books for Young Readers will release “The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner” on June 5. The novella is told from the viewpoint of Bree, a newborn vampire featured in “Eclipse,” one of the books in Meyer’s bestselling teen-vampire saga.

We don’t know about you, but we’re genuinely excited about The Short Second Life Of Bree Tanner. True, that’s largely because it’s a novella and so we’ll have to exert much less energy to kick it out of people’s hands on the train than we did with Breaking Dawn, which was physically a much larger book, but it still counts.

In fact, we can’t wait to see if The Short Second Life Of Bree Tanner will be a success or not. Here’s hoping it is, because that’ll give Stephenie Meyer carte blanche to rewrite every single Twilight book from the perspective of every single character. Want to know what Twilight was like from the perspective of Edward, or what Eclipse was like from the perspective of Ron Howard’s daughter, or what New Moon was like from the perspective of that ridiculous rasta vampire who looks like he’d escaped from one of the rubbish Matrix sequels? Stick around kids, it’s only a matter of time.

Still, one thing’s for certain – at least The Short Second Life Of Bree Tanner will make an excellent Twilight movie. No, we don’t know what happens in it yet, but it will almost certainly contain scenes of an uncomfortably young character with their top off. That’s the stuff that Twilight fans eat up.

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Oh God, oh God, ohgodohgodohgod! We can’t breathe! Eclipse is coming! It’s the new Twilight film! IT’S COMING!

We’re SO EXCITED! So when we heard that there was an Eclipse teaser trailer on the internet, we almost wet our pants. Then we watched it, realised that nothing actually happens in it and wet our pants anyway because OH GOD IT’S ROBERT PATTINSON! He looks even more like a creepy aristocratic heroin addict than EVER! Eclipse is going to RULE so HARD!

But anyway, we’ve decided to break down the new Eclipse teaser trailer into all its important parts for you. Why, because we love you. No, not really – we actually find you sort of repulsive. But arse-all else has happened today, and we’d be foolish not to take the chance to wind up some boggle-eyed 13-year-old girls when the opportunity presented itself, wouldn’t we?

So then, here’s the brand new Eclipse teaser trailer in all its glory. Ready?

What? You missed it? Was it because you were too busy bouncing up and down with unbridled glee at the thought of more Twilight films? Or was it because you blinked once and missed most of it? Or was it because, even though the trailer’s only ten seconds long, you realised that it was going to be boring and pointless and for a film that’s bound to be a load of donkey bollocks anyway and therefore decided to spend the time doing something more worthwhile like poking at your fingernail or wondering what accents dogs have or just crying?

It doesn’t matter, because we’ve decoded the Eclipse trailer’s most important moments for you, scene by scene. This will clear everything up. Trust us…

ECLIPSE TRAILER SCENE 1

Here we see Robert Pattinson and… ugh, is that Kristen Stewart? Ugh, get your hands off Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart you bitch! We’re the ones who love him! Us! Do you practice your signature over and over again with your last name changed to ‘Pattinson’ so you know what it’ll look like when Robert Pattinson marries you? No? We do. Do you have a Twilight poster of Robert Pattinson that hasn’t got a face because you’ve licked clean through it? No? We do? Do you keep a collection of all the knickers you’ve ever involuntarily urinated in because you suddenly thought of Robert Pattinson? No? We do. SO HANDS OFF HIM PLEASE. THANKS.

ECLIPSE TRAILER SCENE 2

Here Robert Pattinson says “I know the consequences of the choice you’re making,” and Kristen Stewart gets all like “What choice? The choice to make five whole bloody Twilight films? The choice where the consequences involve getting followed around by millions of panda-faced 12-year-old sub-emos who keep calling me Bella all the time for the rest of my life and I can’t get any work afterwards that doesn’t involve me going googly-eyed at a fucking vampire? Yeah, I know the consequences of that choice, too. They’re shit consequences.”

ECLIPSE TRAILER SCENE 3

Oh for heaven’s sake, put it away for once you bloody prostitute.

ECLIPSE TRAILER SCENE 4

Here Taylor Lautner remembers to put a shirt on FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME IN HISTORY and says “I’m gonna fight for you, until your heart stops beating.”

ECLIPSE TRAILER SCENE 5

Here Kristen Stewart gets all like “Until my heart stops beating? UNTIL MY HEART STOPS BEATING? Seriously, that’s pretty creepy. Look, Taylor, I appreciate that you’ve managed to figure out how clothes work and everything, but you sounded like the worst kind of pervert nutter just then. Come to think of it, I’m probably just going to go and shack up with Robert Pattinson now. He might smell and have gypsy hair, but at least he doesn’t creep me out as much as you do. I just hope he doesn’t get me pregnant and then bite through my uterus. LOL!”

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As anyone who’s anyone already knows, the Twilight series revolves around several gay vampires struggling to marry in California or something.

Will the state’s senate hear their pleas? Rumor has it we’ll find out in the third film – Eclipse. Everyone’s filming in a red barn right now, and the commonly accepted speculation is that this is where the bloodiest gay hoedown in cinematic history is supposed to take place.

In the book it happens in chapter 4.

Apparently onlookers are lined up outside the barn snapping tons of pictures – while you’re stuck at a stupid desk. It’s so unfair, life.

New Moon is nowhere near theaters yet and already the crazy cat ladies of the world are all abuzz about it’s follow up. Well we’ve got good news for you cat ladies – stop stroking Mr. Sniffles and get yourself down to the red barn. Make sure to wear a shirt that really pops so that Edward sees you and inevitably falls in love. You may only have this one chance – make it count. And by that we mean you should leave your Care Bear knapsack at home.

Seriously, find something non-ridiculous to pack your lunch in.

Also, use a lint roller to take care of those long, furry hairs on your jacket. Edward hates furry hairs, and they make you look unkempt.

We know you’d probably like a more specific address than just ‘the red barn,’ but we don’t have one.

Terribly sorry.

What we do have though, is a scoop that’s sure to make you crap your Donald Duck-embroidered pants:

“Last night, on the set of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, many on-lookers snapped photographs and videos of the production crew setting up a big, red barn. The consensus seems to be that the scene being shot involves two vampires in some sort of dream sequence. Most agree that this is probably related to Jasper…and his experience with the character Maria.”

Thanks for that, Examiner.com. And ladies – although we’re not sure exactly what you’ll find in the afore mentioned red barn – here are some possibilities:

1) Taylor Lautner rubbing lotion on several other male wolf-folk in various stages of dog-transformation. Some seem to like it, some don’t. None leave though.

2) The scene being filmed is Edward learning that Bella has always been his father. This varies from the book a bit, but was a tremendously successful formula when used in Star Wars. Plus it makes those whiskers she had in the first film make a lot more sense. You get it in retrospect now, don’t you. Us too.

3) A bunch of cows strapped in to a mechanical milker & a pitch fork wielding farmer telling you this is private property, & he’s got an emergency shotgun buried in that pile of hay right there.

Well what are you waiting for? Get going already! And for Pete’s sake let us know if we were right about any of it.

Really, we already know we’re right because dozens of our on-set secret sources have confirmed it, but get back to us anyway. We promise to act surprised.

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If you’re a Twilight fan, you’ve got an important choice – do you prefer Bryce Dallas Howard or Rachelle Lefevre?

OK, it’s not that important. As far as things that Twilight fans worry about go, who plays Victoria is hardly up there with their chronic incontinence or habit of rocking backwards and forwards while listening to Paramore and sobbing because Robert Pattinson doesn’t even know they exist.

However, some Twilight stars have spoken out about Rachelle Lefevre’s sacking. And by ‘spoken out’ we mean ‘diplomatically tiptoed around it because they’ll also get the boot if they say the wrong thing’. Obviously.

It all seemed so simple when Twilight star Rachelle Lefevre was sacked in favour of Bryce Dallas Howard. She’d decided to make another film during Eclipse‘s rehearsal time and she got the elbow for it. She couldn’t promise to bulk up like Taylor Lautner did when he was threatened with the sack – because, really, if there’s anything worse than an inconsiderate ginger girl it’s an inconsiderate ginger girl who can beat you in an arm wrestle. There was nothing that Rachelle Lefevre could do.

Except whine incessantly, of course. As soon as Rachelle Lefevre realised that she wouldn’t be appearing in Eclipse she immediately started complaining to the press about her shoddy treatment – and now we hear that she plans to sue Summit, too.

After all, she’s just missed out on what’s probably the biggest payday of her life – the girl’s got to make money somehow, and her inevitable tell-all memoir (probably entitled Crylight or Whylight or My Life As That Ginger Girl From Twilight Who You Didn’t Even Notice Until I Made A Bloody Great Fuss About Being Sacked) and equally inevitable, staggeringly bitter reality TV show won’t fully reimburse the money she lost. So good for her.

However, Rachelle Lefevre’s sacking does put the other Twilight castmembers in a tricky situation, especially since it coincided with TwiCon – the genuinely nightmarish-sounding Twilight convention in Dallas that we imagine is just like a Star Trek convention except shriller, more prone to wanton urination and about 400 times less agreeable. Would the Twilight stars publicly side with Rachelle Lefevre or agree with Summit? Would they welcome Bryce Dallas Howard or treat her appointment with suspicion?

Or would they just tread a rubbishy middle ground that involved talking for great stretches of time without actually saying anything? Well, MTV, which one is it?

“I can say that I’m saddened that the dates didn’t work out,” [Peter Facinelli] explained. “I love [Lefevre] like a sister; it deeply saddens me,” he added. “But you know, the show must go on. We’re going to embrace Bryce Dallas Howard — and I hope that the fans do, too.”

Oh. It was the last one. But still, good for Peter Facinelli for putting the record straight. It’s a shame that Robert Pattinson couldn’t also reveal what he thought about this mess, but then again he doesn’t really need to – he probably thought “Mmm, oh yeah, look at me, I’m Robert Pattinson. God, I’m so sexy. Oh yeah, sexy Robert Pattinson, that’s me. Uh uh uh uh UH!”

Because, you know, that’s probably what he thinks about everything, isn’t it?

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The Twilight Saga: Eclipse was probably going to be the biggest film of Rachelle Lefevre’s entire career.

Not the best film, mind you. After all, if you looked back on your life and realised that its defining highpoint involved playing a grumpy lady vampire in a terrible kid’s film alongside a man with a face like stern twig, you’d probably consider your entire time on Earth to be a catastrophic failure. But despite that, Eclipse was going to be Rachelle Lefevere’s biggest film.

But it won’t be now – she’s been replaced with Bryce Dallas Howard. Rachelle Lefevre’s reaction? Blind fury.

With the possible exception of Taylor Lautner, who seems to have gracefully accepted the fact that his obituary will probably read ‘That Boy Who Stood Next To Robert Pattinson In A Film Once Dies’, the cast of Twilight have worked out that if they don’t make as many other films as they possibly can, they’ll be forever doomed to spend the rest of their lives morbidly posing for photographs with flabby divorcees at godawful Twilight conventions in places like Idaho. Idaho, for crying out loud.

That’s why Kristen Stewart is making a biopic about a woman with unfortunate hair, why Robert Pattinson keeps making dreary films about Salvador Dali, and why Rachelle Lefevre – who plays Victoria in the Twilight saga – recently signed up for ten days filming Barney’s Version with Paul Giamatti and Dustin Hoffman. Except in her case, making another film got her sacked and replaced with Bryce Dallas Howard.

At first it seemed like Rachelle Lefevre’s sacking would pass without much fuss – presumably because there aren’t too many teenage girls who spent their schooltime working out what their signature would look like if they ever got married to Rachelle Lefevre – but then it happened. Rachelle Lefevre decided to speak out about it. And then speak out about it some more. And some more. And then a bit more. We’d run out of internet if we tried to reprint her entire statement, in fact, so here are the choice cuts:

“I was stunned by Summit’s decision to recast the role of Victoria for ‘Eclipse.” … I am greatly saddened that I will not get to complete my portrayal of Victoria for the ‘Twilight’ audience. This is a story, a theatrical journey and a character that I truly love and about which I am very passionate… I am hurt deeply by Summit’s surprising decision to move on without me.”

That’s very kind of her, to say that only wants to star in Eclipse for the Twilight fans. Not for the money or the fame or the fact that she gets a wicked death scene at the end – she wanted to do it for the fans. The same fans who’d watch a Twilight film even if it only starred Robert Pattinson and some badly-inflated balloon animals. She’s all heart, that one.

Summit, incidentally, says that Rachelle Lefevre got the boot because she didn’t actually tell anyone that she was making Barney’s Version, and her time spent rehearsing and filming that movie would have trampled on some important Eclipse location work.

But regardless of where the blame lies, the day of the Eclipse premiere will still be a sad one for Rachelle Lefevre. She’ll be watching Bryce Dallas Howard get variously ignored, brushed aside and physically assaulted by the media purely because she doesn’t happen to be Robert Pattinson, and she’ll be thinking “That could have been me”. How heartbreaking.

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Oh no. Twilight has started swapping its actors around again, and you know how furious that makes its fans.

So who’s out now? Has Taylor Lautner been elbowed? Has the recession forced producers to replace two of the New Moon Wolf Pack with some rudimentary kebab-meat statues of Adam Rickett? Has Robert Pattinson quit Twilight because he’s tired wiping teeny urine off his front door every morning?

No. It’s the character of Victoria – Rachelle Lefevre is out and Bryce Dallas Howard is in. We suppose we should draft up that ‘Robert Pattinson gets Bryce Dallas Howard pregnant’ article, then.

In many ways, the Twilight saga is like moving into your first home. Partly because it’s something that you think will be short and easy but inevitably ends up lasting forever, costing several times more than you expected and leaving you with deep, vast emotional scars that will never fully heal. And partly because of the furniture.

Like your first home, Twilight started off full of whatever cheap old crap the producers could get their hands on. It starred Kristen Stewart, the Ikea Emily Browning. It starred Kellen Lutz, the Tesco Value Tom Welling. And it starred Robert Pattinson, the second-hand-and-borrowed-from-your-mum-even-though-you-don’t-really-like-it Henry Cavill. And, as the Twilight films have gone on, some of these pieces have begun to slowly get replaced.

For New Moon, they tried to replace Taylor Lautner – at least until fans started squealing in protest – and they brought in esteemed names like Dakota Fanning and Michael Sheen. And now for Eclipse they’re replacing Rachelle Lefevre, who played Victoria Cullen, with critically-acclaimed actress Bryce Dallas Howard. Does this mean that in Breaking Dawn Bella and Edward will be played by Dame Judi Dench and the reanimated corpse of Sir John Gielgud?

Yes. Yes it clearly does mean that. But for now let’s concentrate on Bryce Dallas Howard starring in Eclipse, shall we? The LA Times reports:

“We are incredibly happy that Bryce has agreed to come into the franchise,” said Erik Feig, Summit’s president of worldwide production and acquisitions. “Rachelle brought “Victoria” to great screen life and Bryce will bring a new dimension to the character. The franchise is lucky to have such a talented actress as Bryce coming in to fill the role.”

What’s interesting here is the stealth in which Bryce Dallas Howard has quietly replaced Rachelle Lefevre. It’s almost like the Eclipse producers were terrified that the Twilight fanatics would kick up a stink on the internet like they did when Taylor Lautner was almost replaced. But now the news is out, so we expect the protests to begin any second now.

Now.

Now?

Hello? Anybody? What’s that? Nobody minds that Rachelle Lefevre has been replaced by Bryce Dallas Howard because she’s not a non-threateningly attractive teenage boy who Twilight fans buy posters of just so they can stay at home at night licking them? Oh. OK. Good point.

Still, we’d like to personally welcome Bryce Dallas Howard into the world of Twilight, and assure her that she’s going to be great in Eclipse. After all, Bryce has appeared in Spider-Man 3, Terminator Salvation, the sequel to Dogville and two late-period M. Night Shyamalan movies – so if there’s one thing she’s good at, it’s jumping in on a film franchise at exactly the moment that everyone stops liking it. This role could have been created for her.

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Directing a Twilight film is a big job. Are you faithful to the book? Can you make Robert Pattinson look vaguely human?

Do you hate Twilight with such a passion that the thought of it alone makes you want to sick up some blood into a nun’s eye? If you’ve answered yes to all of these questions then you’re perfectly suited to be a Twilight director. Just look at Twilight 3 director David Slade – before he was hired he wrote on Twitter that he wouldn’t watch Twilight drunk, on acid or at gunpoint.

Which, we think, means that we’re directing Twilight 4.

In a way, Twilight and Twitter are virtually identical. For starters they both share the same first syllable. Secondly, they’re both wild phenomenons that aren’t really as good as everyone says they are. Secondly, fans of both can only speak in short sentences – in the case of Twitter this is because there’s an unbreakable 140-character limit to each entry, and in the case of Twilight it’s because everyone who likes it has clinically got the mental age of a bloody toddler.

But we’re digressing. If you write about Twilight on Twitter then chances are your average Twitter entry is either something like this: ‘OMG ROBERT PATTINSON’S HAIR LOOKS LIKE ANGEL’S BREATH!! I’M INVOLUNTARILY URINATING **SO HARD** RIGHT NOW!’ or something like this: ‘Twilight drunk? No, not even drunk. Twilight on acid? No, not even on acid. Twilight at gunpoint? Just shoot me.’

If you wrote the last one, then that’s kind of regrettable, because it means that you’re David Slade and you wrote it before you realised that you’d be directing Twilight 3 later this year. MTV explains:

Slade’s Twitter page, which has now been deleted, once contained some biting remarks about Twilight. And back in November, when Slade was on the WJFK’s BDK Movie Show, he discussed the Twitter post. “So, yesterday we were trying to find a movie to see, and we’d seen all the good ones. And … having directed a vampire film and really gone for something completely different to the kind of romantic, you know, repressed-hormone teen-vampire movie, we really weren’t interested in seeing Twilight.”

This all leaves David Slade in quite the sticky situation – now that everyone knows how he feels about Twilight, he can expect a heavy backlash at any moment. Especially with the hardcore Twilight fans – remember the fuss they made when Taylor Lautner was almost fired? This’ll be exactly the same, so brace yourselves for a million online petitions to replace David Slade with someone more sympathetic to the needs of Twilight‘s female teenage audience, like one of the Jonas Brothers or a Bratz doll or something.

Still, at least David Slade has had the decency to admit that he doesn’t like Twilight – a sentiment that we suspect he shares with the bulk of the Twilight crew, at least 50% of the principle Twilight cast and most of the people who watch Twilight once they’ve grown up a bit and learnt the difference between good and bad.

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Good news, Twilight fans – the producers have realised that you’ll all hate Twilight the instant you hit puberty.

Seriously, they’re chucking the buggers out. Although the first Twilight movie was only released about 10 minutes ago, Twilight 2 is coming out in November – and now it’s been announced that Twilight 3 is coming out seven months after that.

It’s a bit like when pea-growers freeze their peas minutes quickly before they stop being fresh – except this is about rubbish Christian emo films instead of peas, and a chronic fear of Robert Pattinson getting bald and even more facially warped instead of some off peas.

If you like Twilight, then you’ve just hit the jackpot. To be fair, you’d already hit the jackpot because if you like Twilight then you’re probably still at junior school and so the biggest problem in your life involves not wearing down your red Crayola before any of the others – but this time you’re double lucky.

Why? Because we’ve got two exciting pieces of Twilight news for you – first, Twilight 2 officially has a full name now – it’ll be called The Twilight Saga: New Moon. And second, Twilight 3 is going to be coming out so soon after The Twilight Saga: New Moon that you’ll probably want to vomit.

Incidentally, before we go on, Twilight 3 doesn’t have a formal title yet, but the smart money’s on it being called Twilight Presents: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse: Revenge Of The Twilight: Starring Twilight And The All-Star Twilight Players (:). We’re almost completely certain that this is true.

But anyway, as we were saying, it’s been announced that Twilight 3 will be coming out just seven months after its predecessor, which means it’s almost certainly going to be awful. MTV explains why:

Figuring in the roughly three months that Chris Weitz required to prepare the second film, that gives the director of the third movie barely four months to shoot it, edit it, get the special effects up to speed and put the film in theaters… As Hollywood has shown us time and time again, hastily-made sequels like “Legally Blonde 2,” “Conan the Destroyer” and the “Saw” films often, well, suck.

So, yes, Twilight 3 is probably going to be awful. But since when has that been news? After all, Twilight was almost unwatchably pap, and that took about three years to make.

But, on the other hand, you can the thought process that’s gone into this. Rushing out the Twilight sequels regardless of quality will cut out a lot of the problems that the Harry Potter series faced – a gruelling filming schedule will make it hard for Robert Pattinson to rush off and star in the first piece of overblown theatrical guff that allows him to take his willy out, for example.

Plus at this rate the Twilight phenomenon will be over by next Christmas, which will allow its fans to get on with more pressing activities like building a gymkhana out of lollipop sticks for their My Little Pony or getting potty-trained.

And besides, at least making the Twilight films this way eliminates the prospect of Twilight 4 coming out so far in the future that Kristen Stewart‘s ovaries will shrivel up and prolapse midway through the second act. Although, then again, that would make it easier for her to maintain her chastity. Swings and roundabouts, really.

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