Twilight fans, otherwise known as Twihards or obese pre-pubescent girls who need to go outside once in a while, are a notoriously crazy bunch. But one woman is determined to out crazy all of them by claiming she has some sort of right to be famous due to some arbitrary link with the series.
Hand model Kimbra Hickey, a woman who we’re sure has made up both her name and her job in order to appear slightly interesting, claims that it’s time she got her 15 minutes of fame from the poorly-written faux-Vampire franchise as it’s her hands that appear on the cover of the first book.
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Oh, don’t pretend to be surprised. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse is number one at the US weekend box office.
It explains so much. Eclipse‘s success explains why no teenage girls were to be seen all weekend, and it explains that constant low-level shrieking you’ve been hearing all weekend, and it explains why everywhere’s ankle-deep in urine all of a sudden.
What’s more, Eclipse is supposed to be the best Twilight film so far. To be fair, that’s not saying much because we could film mould growing on warm yogurt and the end result would still be better than both Twilight and New Moon combined. Plus if we left it long enough it’d end up having hair like Robert Pattinson. And it’d probably smell like him, too. Anyway, full US weekend top five after the jump.
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Next month’s London premiere of Twilight: Eclipse should have been amazing. Robert Pattinson would be there.
Kristen Stewart would be there. At least one of Taylor Lautner‘s nipples may have been down as a heavy pencil. The whole thing should have been so incredibly star-studded that it was bound to provoke enough involuntary urination to make the City of Westminster look like that bit from 2012 where the White House gets taken out by a tsunami.
But that dream is in tatters now. Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner have decided that they won’t be attending the London premiere of Twilight: Eclipse. Stewart and Lautner we can understand, but what’s Robert Pattinson’s excuse? That he’s washing his hair? Oh, hardly.
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This week Robert Pattinson became the first person on the face of the bloody planet to ever get a poxy haircut.
Or something. It was like magic. One minute Robert Pattinson’s hair was all long and crap-looking, and then it suddenly became slightly shorter and crap-looking. We’ve yet to discover how Robert Pattinson managed to make his hair shorter – maybe he used witchcraft, or maybe he rubbed it with a stone or something – but has that stopped him parading the new haircut around like some sort of dirty-looking magic-headed peacock, has it? No. No it jolly well hasn’t.
Since the haircut, Robert Pattinson has appeared on Ellen to show his new look off. Apparently he told everyone that he had it cut because he’s got nits. Those lucky nits! What we wouldn’t give to be able to burrow into Robert Pattinson’s scalp and shit eggs all over the place. Right girls?
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This is awful news. Terrible news. Read this news and your life will never be the same again. It’s Robert Pattinson.
He’s changed his hair. This is a disaster. In years to come, your grandchildren will look up and ask you “Where were you when Robert Pattinson changed his hair?” And you’ll have to reply “I can’t remember what I was doing. I just remember passing out as soon as someone told me, and then waking up 20 minutes later in a pool of urine. Not happy urine, either. It was sad urine. SAD URINE.”
Without hyperbole, this is the follicular 9/11 – the Tiananmen Hair Massacre, if you will. Oh Robert Pattinson, how could you? You’ve cut off your nose to spite your own face. In fact, it would have been better if you had cut off your nose. At least noses grow back. Not like hair, Robert Pattinson. NOT LIKE HAIR.
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Justin Bieber was on Oprah this week. Now the Twilight cast are, too. Next week: Barney The Purple Dinosaur.
Or a picture of a cat. Or whatever it is that teenage girls go crazy for these days. We don’t know. Anyway, Oprah’s Twilight interview will go down as one of the most awkward in history, because of one thing – Oprah made Taylor Lautner wear a shirt. It was horrible. He looked uncomfortable, his fans could barely recognise him, and Taylor Lautner’s nipples – furious about being ignored in public – are now planning to leave Taylor in favour of a multi-year deal on a series of low-budget firemen calendars.
Oh, and Oprah Winfrey asked Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart if they were dating. It was quite a moment – as soon as she asked it, Oprah was presented with a luxury food hamper for being the millionth person to ask them that. Congratulations, Oprah!
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We cannot wait for Eclipse to be released. We mean that. It’s going to be the highlight of our entire lives.
What’ll happen in Eclispe? We just don’t know! Obviously we could just read the book, but what’s the point of that? How many of Taylor Lautner‘s nipples will we see in the book, huh? None, that’s how many. Hey Stephenie Meyer, sellotape some of Taylor Lautner’s nipples into your stupid books and maybe we’ll think about reading them, OK?
But Eclipse isn’t out for, like, a million years. And so we just have to take what we’re given, like the three brand new still photos from Eclipse. They’re awesome! Five people sort of stand around in one of them, and two people sort of stand around in another one of them, and three people sort of stand around in another one of them. Wanna see? OK! They’re AWESOME!
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Hear that? That’s the sound of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart’s grim acceptance that they’ll never be free from this thing.
Never. Never ever. Every time they think they can see end to this Twilight nonsense, the goalposts get moved. Maybe the first Twilight film would be a flop and that’d be the end of it, they thought. But it wasn’t. Maybe Breaking Dawn will turn out to be unfilmable so there’d only be three Twilight films instead of four, they thought. But not only is Breaking Dawn filmable, it’s being divided into two separate movies. They can’t win.
But, hey, at least Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart can reassure themselves with the fact that there’ll be five Twilight films tops, right? Nope – Stephenie Meyer has just written another Twilight book. We don’t know who’s more depressed, us or them. What’s that? It’s us? By a fairly considerable margin? Oh.
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