And, hey, now we can. For reasons that frankly we’re too petrified to go into, Scarlett Johansson has decided to auction off one of her snot-filled tissues on eBay. The most frightening news? It’s currently standing at $2,205.

While that makes for an expensive trophy – or dinner condiment – $2,205 is actually enough money for scientists to harvest Scarlett Johansson’s DNA and build their own snot-covered, manky-looking Jurassic Park-style Scarlett Johansson clone. Or they could just buy Cheryl Baker from Buck’s Fizz instead. Whichever’s cheapest.

Look, we know the credit crunch is hitting everyone hard, but we didn’t know it was so bad that celebrities would have to resort to flogging off their most cherished possessions to get by. Just yesterday we told you how Snoop Dogg was auctioning off his shed for one reason or another, and now it looks like Scarlett Johansson is getting in on the act, too.

Except Scarlett Johansson doesn’t have a shed – as a woman she only likes cushions and kittens and needlepoint and other activities that aren’t very shed-friendly – but what she does have is mucus.

Seriously, Scarlett Johansson is full to the brim with snot. In fact, we heard that Scarlett Johansson has so much mucus in her system at any given point in time that if you prick her with a pin as she walks past, four gallons of red-hot snot will squirt out of the hole right into your eyeball.

So, since she’s got more snot than she knows what to do with, Scarlett Johansson has decided to auction some of it off to whichever one of her obsessed stalkers has the most money. Fox reports:

During an appearance on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno,” she told Leno that her “Spirit” co-star Samuel L. Jackson had given her his cold. She humbly added that the cold was the union of two big stars, so the tissue undoubtedly had high value. So ScarJo decided to auction off the tissue Leno gave her, after using it, with the proceeds going to USA Harvest, a charity Johannson selected.

Well that’s just delightful, although it does seem like an idea that’s been bogged down with a little too much red tape to us. First Scarlett Johansson has to produce the snotty tissue, then place it for sale on eBay, then people have to go through a 10-day bidding period on it, then the winner is selected and the tissue has to be shipped, then the money has to be sent to Scarlett Johansson who’ll pass it on to USA Harvest who’ll buy seeds to grow plants to feed the hungry.

It’s a bit complicated, isn’t it? Wouldn’t it be so much easier if USA Harvest just lined up a row of maybe 500 needy people and just got Scarlett Johansson to run down the line with a finger clamped over one nostril, blasting jets of nutritious Johansson-snot into their grateful mouths? Wouldn’t it? Why don’t these people think?

Anyway, well done to Scarlett Johansson for using her illness to raise money for charity in such an inventive way. And we hope it’s a trend that catches on, too – otherwise our Konnie Huq Infected Bandage Fund will all be for nothing. Nothing!

Oh, go on then – bid on Scarlett Johansson’s gruesome snot-rag here

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Well have we got good news for you – You may be able to solve all those issues soon with the help of Snoop Doggy Dogg. He’s selling his old garden shed on eBay. That’s right, on eBay – so someone like you can help keep up hip hop’s proud tradition of extremely precise lawn care.

Now right off the bat you may think there’s absolutely no need to purchase Snoop’s old backyard tool shed. You may even think that although it looked real nice in the rapper’s backyard it would probably just crowd your livingroom.

To that we say this – don’t lose this chance so foolishly. After all, this is the same garden shed Snoop was wearing when he infamously got kicked out of Heathrow, and its the same shed he was wearing while he did almost a literal 1000 hours of community service for something or other.

Still not convinced it’d be a smart buy? But it’s for charity you selfish boob. As E! Online puts it:

“The hip-hop star is putting his favorite old backyard haunt—where he’s done some serious woodshedding over the years to craft some of his biggest hits and hang out with some of music’s brightest luminaries—on the eBay auction block to raise funds for Snoop’s Youth Football League.

“”I’ve had this shed since tha turn of tha century,” Snoop tells E! News. “I’ve beaten over 1,000 people in Madden in it, watched football game tape, seen the Lakers win championships, and, most of all, written hits in it.”"

And if that still doesn’t convince you the Dogg is prepared to sweeten the deal by throwing in the butler that’s been permanently assigned to the building for at least the past two years. And if you act now you can get a free diamond encrusted carrot peeler. It sounds tacky but it actually looks quite nice.

Surely by now you must be wondering where you can buy such a fine backyard product while financially contributing to little boys in padding tackling each other. Well, the link is right here.

Better click fast – its already over $1000.

With an option to rent to own.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

However, some crazy old idiots got upset at Ringo Starr’s recent request for his fans to stop sending him stuff, so he’s decided to clarify his confusing little outburst. You see, Ringo Starr only wants you to stop sending him stuff because it hurts the environment and objects he signs only end up being hawked on eBay anyway.

Ringo’s quick decision to clear up the mess he made should be applauded – now we know that he doesn’t hate his fans, just the fans who like buying his autographs on the internet. And now we can also be sure that it really was Ringo Starr in that video earlier this week, rather than the melted underpowered robot of a kestrel in sunglasses that we assumed we were watching.

Ringo Starr might just be having the worst year of his life. Firstly Ringo Starr released a song to commemorate Liverpool’s status as the European city of culture, but the problems with it were twofold – firstly the song actually sounded like it was slagging Liverpool off a bit, and secondly he sung it in the style of a sad wounded ox.

To make matters worse, Ringo Starr then decided to promote the song by storming off an American TV show, telling Jonathan Ross that he didn’t really like Liverpool anyway and just generally infuriating people enough to behead topiary representations of him.

But Ringo’s worst moment came this week when, for reasons that we don’t even think he knows himself, he decided to post a video on his website asking fans to stop sending him fanmail all the bloody time.

At the time, Ringo’s justification for this was that he had “too much to do” to reply to fanmail. Oh really Ringo? You’re a 68-year-old millionaire who hits things for a living. What could you possibly have to do, apart from wait for the nice Meals On Wheels lady to bring you some more toad in the hole? You’re not trying to write the long-awaited follow-up to Octopus’s Garden, are you? Are you? Because, if you are, you really don’t need to. Really.

However, possibly because he was spooked by the hip young whippersnapper giving him hell on Sky News on Tuesday night, Ringo Starr has decided to hone his argument a little bit more. Rolling Stone reports:

The ban on fan mail was “in direct response to an inordinate amount of items which have recently appeared for sale on e-bay, and to those that repeatedly send cards and items to be signed.” Starr also felt all the mail was “a waste of paper and we all should be mindful of our carbon footprint… Please read this in a mellow way. Peace and love, Ringo.”

Thank goodness Ringo Starr reminded us to read the statement in a mellow way. Up until that point we were shouting it furiously in a dense Hungarian accent, so it hardly made any sense to us.

Anyway, let’s hope that this new statement clears up all the misconceptions about Ringo Starr’s original video. We’re sure that it hasn’t affected his real fans’ opinions of him at all, because we get the feeling that Ringo Starr’s fans are either dead or too stupid to work out that computers aren’t just sealed-shut microwaves.

And we say that with peace and love, which we think means you’re not allowed to get shitty about it.

That’s the sorry lesson learnt by Eric and June Emmett, two of the human beings that David and Victoria Beckham employ as house slaves. According to reports, the Emmetts have been taken into custody for allegedly half-inching property belonging to the Beckhams and selling it on eBay.

It just goes to show that when you’re as famous as the Beckhams are, you can’t trust anyone – not even your own staff. It’s not so much the fact that the Emmetts allegedly stole football shirts and designer dresses that upset the Beckhams but, now that the household copy of The Little Red Hen Goes To Town has been swiped, David’s reading ability is bound to be set back weeks, if not months.

Everyone steals things. Maybe it’s sweets, maybe it’s ideas, maybe it’s top secret government documents, but everyone definitely has at one point or another stolen something. Us? We’ve got a nice little stationery-stealing racket going. Unfortunately, we only steal when we’re working from home, which means we’re basically just stealing from ourselves. Conversely, we’re going to give ourselves a final written notice if we ever catch ourselves doing it again, so we have to do it carefully when we’re not looking.

Anyway, if you were working for David and Victoria Beckham, you’d definitely steal something from them, wouldn’t you? They both earn enough to be able to replace whatever trinkets you took, and their home contents are bound to be covered by plenty of insurance. No, you’d definitely steal from David and Victoria Beckham. But you wouldn’t put the stolen goods on eBay where everyone can see them. Only the worst kind of dribble-skulled, honking dimwit would think about doing something as obviously stupid as that.

So let’s introduce you to Eric and June Emmett, two of the Beckhams’ servants who allegedly stole their stuff and sold it on eBay. E! Online reports:

Per U.K. reports, the purported thieves, 55-year-old Eric Emmett and his 56-year-old wife, June, have been working at the $22 million “Beckhingham Palace” for more a decade. The staffers supposedly swiped soccer jerseys and boots belonging to Becks, as well as designer dresses worn by the erstwhile Posh Spice. The memorabilia was then put up for sale on the auction site, raking in thousands of dollars.

According to reports, David and Victoria Beckham only got wise to this alleged pilfering when Victoria Beckham’s parents saw the items on eBay being sold by a seller called Posh & Becks.

The Emmetts deny all charges but, just to reiterate, they’re accused of stealing valuable and sentimental items from the home of David and Victoria Beckham and not just selling them on eBay where it’s easy to trace the seller, but selling them under the one name that anybody associated with the Beckhams would search eBay for if they were looking for stolen Beckham goods.

No wonder David and Victoria Beckham don’t want to employ the Emmetts any longer. It’s not because they’ve destroyed the bond of trust that exists between servant and master, but because – if these charges are true – it sounds like they’re so stupid that it’s only a matter of time before they take Romeo’s eye out with a strimmer.

And although our love for you wasn’t nurtured from a lifetime of you cutting the disgusting corners off our peanut butter sandwiches, it is love just the same. We love you deep, and we love you real.

It is this love that has us worried about you most nights. You see, our greatest fear is one wherein you all won’t be able to retire come age 35. That would be a real shame. You need to plan ahead – you need to invest.

You know – invest. Like in stocks and bonds and what not. Also you could invest in a pair of Michael Jackson’s underpants. Those are currently worth $1,000,000 a piece, and the value is expected to rise exponentially. You’d better act fast though – there’s only one of them up for sale.

It all happens on eBay today, apparently.

What could be better than owning a real piece of Michael Jackson? Nothing we think. Just ask Latoya – she’s been using his testicles as a beautiful pair of pearl-ish earrings since the mid seventies.

We have no evidence to prove that.

In other Michael Jackson testicle-related news, however, the police confiscated a pair of his drawers years ago to get DNA samples for their kiddie-case against him. Whether said DNA was obtained from the front or the back of the skivvies has not been publicly disclosed – yet. You’ll soon be able to know this for yourself because the garment has never been washed, and it’s apparently been sweating in an air-tight plastic bag for almost six years now or something. Imagine the aroma.

You now have the rare opportunity to buy that pair of underwear and smell them for yourself. They should be getting posted on eBay today – bidding starts at an American million. All proceeds will got either to charity or a bank somewhere.

Here’s what the New York Post knows:

“Michael Jackson’s notorious tighty whities are up for grabs. A pair of size-28 Calvin Klein white briefs once belonging to Wacko Jacko will be auctioned on eBay tomorrow, with a reserve price of $1 million. The unwashed underpants have a sensational past. They were part of the evidence confiscated in 2003 by then-Santa Barbara DA Tom Sneddon, who wanted a DNA sample for his unsuccessful child-molestation case against the washed-up King of Pop.”

Now keep in mind that once these underpants are yours – they are yours forever to share with friends and family as you see fit. Just imagine your grandkids one day sniffing them in a cabin during a weekend family retreat! And if you act now you’ll get all remaining unsold copies of his Invincible album, which is actually a pretty good deal because each of them is selling for at least $3 brand new right now. Also – they’ll throw in a salad shooter!

The auction will have other Jackson memorabilia up for grabs too – like a partial tube of skin bleach he used to make himself white or something, and a letter he once wrote to Lisa Marie Presley, whom he married out of attraction.

Also for sale is Jackson’s unused pair of eyeglasses.

Her and us could probably talk for hours about the things we have in common – ownership of a bicycle, for instance. Yes, that’s it. We could talk about the ownership of bicycles. Well wherever our fantastic conversation is gonna lead us – it’s gonna lead us there soon. After all, we will do whatever it takes to ensure our eBay bid for a date with her is the one that reins supreme.

It better anyway. We just bought a new button-down shirt at Wal-Mart, and we’re having our favorite pants professionally pressed. We’d be embarrassed to have gone all out like that for nothing.

Miley Cyrus may only be thirteen or something, but she’s an old soul. Her life experience is such that, at least mentally, she’s every bit as forty-seven as we are. This should really help us relate to her while she’s sitting across the McDonalds table from us on the date she agreed to go on so long as we pay her thousands of dollars.

To be clear she hasn’t agreed to any dates yet – but if our bid slips onto eBay uncontested just before the auction closes she sure will. We’re also emailing her a picture of our eyes. Girls really seem to dig our eyes, and we feel it could help our effort.

And yes – we said you can win a date with Cyrus if you successfully buy her on eBay. It sounds a bit like human trafficking or something, which several border-authorities have expressly told us is quite illegal. Be careful – that’s all we’re saying.

All Headline News says of the auction:

“The Disney teen star is auctioning off a date on eBay, with the highest bidder being able to attend the premiere of Cyrus’s Disney animated film “Bolt,” which opens November 26. The highest bid for the night-on-the-town with the Hannah Montana star, 15, currently stands around $2,000. The auction kicked off Tuesday night and ends July 29. The auction is benefiting the Cyrus family’s charity, Pappy Cyrus Family Foundation, named for Miley’s grandfather, which supports underprivileged children.”

Wait – don’t get too excited. The whole thing sounds a lot less date-like when you read about it on the actual eBay site:

“Starting at 7 PM PST July 22 through July 29, you can bid on a once in a lifetime chance to meet Miley Cyrus at the premiere of her new Disney film Bolt, plus take home her personal wardrobe, signed albums and photos, and a few of her favorite things.”

It looks like in the end, nobody new will actually be able to claim any sort of ownership over Cyrus. That’s a shame – because after a few years her resale value would have been through the roof. You know – after she’s had plenty of time to revamp Sex & The City, clarify the definition of what exactly is considered a curse word in the English language, and all her questionable internet pics have aged enough to become bonafide collectables.

After all that you could probably get triple what you paid for her.

He doesn’t even appear to have been guaranteed sex on any level – not even a tonguing – and yet has paid for the equivalent of 8,000 anal sexes with Manfa, who has been hanging round the corners of hecklerstreet for four years now.

When asked what kind of an evening she’d give a man who had paid £40,100, Manfa said she’d “willingly go blind in both eyes,” and if he still wanted to go see the movie, that “with a film title like that, blindness may be a blessing,” before adding “maybe I’d go deaf for it too.” But that’s Manfa, and she really is a dirty whore. Five dollars for sex? That’s two pound fifty; cheaper than a Zinger Tower.

Scarlett Johansson is a different kettle of fish. Manfa can’t even afford a kettle, and certainly shouldn’t be trusted with the responsibility of caring for fish, especially in a kettle. She’d be so off her face on crack that she’d forget that this kettle was being used as a makeshift fish sanctuary and flip it on in preparation of sterilising a few needles and as she curls up on the floor in an all-too-short-lived foetus of ecstasy there’s gonna be fish carnage on her hands. 

But not Scarlett Johansson; one trip to the cinema with her is worth a lifetime of bumming Manfa, according to eBay username bossnour. Some other people wouldn’t be so quick to judge – Manfa does have a few perks, especially for the more aggressive fellow – and it’s probable that bossnour was not even made aware of Manfa’s services. Marie Claire reports:

The UK-based user, named bossnour, won the online auction, set up to benefit Oxfam, after beating off 695,183 interested parties and 170 other bids. The 10-day sale ended yesterday, and the fortunate fan will accompany Johansson to the premiere of her upcoming movie, He's Just Not That Into You in Los Angeles in June. 

Be that as it may, a trip to the cinema is a metaphorical mile away from Scarlett Johansson’s bumhole – just imagine what she could charge? The money, which has been donated to Oxfam, would be astronomical. Geldolf can put as many popstars on the global stage as he wants, but if Scarlett was to donate her ass to Oxfam, after about five years of honest donation, poverty would be history.

Read more:

Scarlett Johansson's $40,100 date - Marie Claire