Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Hello Soap fans! Did you have a good weekend? Don’t answer that, we’re only being polite. We couldn’t care less how your weekend went, we’re only filling up some space before we launch into this week’s Soap Spoilers. ?
We’re heartless and selfish but this is why you want us in a dirty way. Don’t bother denying it, we’re still not listening.
Enough with all this small talk and shameless flirting, let’s find out what’s happening to people in Soapland who are clearly much better than you lot.
Hello maniacs. Yes, another week has dragged past and here we are again, drugged up to the eyeballs and ready to bring you news from Soapland before it actually happens, hopefully ruining your week before it even begins.
Last week we told you that Heather from Eastenders was going to die and this didn’t happen unfortunately, proving that our sources are either stinking liars or that the BBC decided to drag it out a bit longer. Either way, our ‘Burn in Hell Heather!’ street party on Friday was a tad premature. Still, we’ve kept the bunting for this week, when she is DEFINITELY going to meet the big magic fairy in the sky and we can start drinking again.
Let’s do this you miserable monkeys.
Hello Soap Fans! Have a good weekend? Did you spend hours licking that signed poster of Harold Bishop, while everyone else actually left their bedrooms and?socialised? Thought so, LOSERS!! Still, you’re our losers and we know how important this kak is to you, so let’s take a look at what’s happening in Soapland this week, you lonely, lonely people.
Eastenders first as usual, where Ben confesses to Ian that his statement to the police about Phil ?was a load of old crap but it’s OK because everyone hates Phil anyway and he’s doing the world a favour by keeping his screen time to a minimum.
After seeing that someone has kicked the smile right off Phil’s face in prison, Ian?decides to grass Ben up to that police woman Marsden who has never actually gathered a shred of evidence on her own. Ben gets arrested, thinks Heather has grassed him up and apparently has a ‘terrible fight’ with Heather, which we all know is code for ‘stabs her until she is dead.‘ ?This has been a long time coming and we cannot wait.
Last week ?hecklerspray writer Joanna Bolouri was in hospital having her final shred of dignity removed, and as no one else in the bedsit could be arsed was available to bring you news from Soapland, we just missed it out . ?We’d like to apologise for this oversight but we won’t – screw you.
Fear not, the spoilers return again this week giving you something to live for and?undoubtedly?brightening up your grotty, grotty little lives.
Ready to read something which will distract you from that porn site for at least 2 minutes? Excellent.
OH JOY! It’s time for some Soap Spoilers as we know you lot would freak out if we didn’t do this week after week. ?We love writing these however and none of us?secretly?wonder what our lives would have been like had we gone to university or taken Hugh Hefner up on that offer of marriage last year.
Nope. We’re good.
Ready to find out stuff about fake people??Excellent.
Hello pea-brains! We missed you! That’s a lie but we like to make you feel wanted, even if it is for a split second.
It seems that despite awful, factual things happening in the world right now, some of you still care about those fictional people in Soapland who earn great big wads of cash for pretending their life is much grimmer that yours. That’s highly unlikely isn’t it?
So let’s take a look at all the depressing nonsense which awaits you this week.
Hello soap fans, have a good weekend? Did you all wake up covered in vomit and shame this morning? Excellent news, you’re all disgusting and that’s why we tolerate you.
Last week was exciting in Soapland wasn’t it? All that stuff happened and then that other stuff happened too! Yeah we didn’t watch any of it but we looked back at our spoilers last week and they were utterly compelling.
Ready to sober up and read this drivel? Fantastic.
Hello readers. Have a good week? If our frighteningly accurate hecklerscopes are correct, then most of you are either dead or feeling a very real sense of shame and self loathing. Either is fine with us. For those of you still here, let’s look at what’s going to happen in Soapland this week.
Yep, you guessed it, Eastenders first and before we begin, we’d like to announce some exciting news which may not be true but we’ll share it with you anyway.
Heather will be brutally murdered by Ben! hecklerspray writer Robin Darke predicted that she’d be killed by George Michael who would then launch a campaign of terror culminating in him pissing all over Arthur’s bench, but we’ll settle for Ben being all stabby.
It’s soap spoiling time again you lucky people! ?Once again we’ve been held at gunpoint and forced to write stuff about something we’d only care less about if we were dead. Want to know what exciting things happen in Hollyoaks this week? ?Tough. We didn’t include them.
As usual we’re off to Eastenders first?and before we give you this weeks predictable spoilers, we’d like to jump up and down topless in appreciation of Kim, who’s near death rubbish pile romance scene with Ray was our highlight of last week.
This week Ben’s?hilarious?plan to get his dad arrested has finally worked. Yes Phil Mitchell has been charged with the murder of Stella in a plot so drawn-out we had to look on YouTube to remember what actually happened. We’re still not sure. ?However, the smug grin is soon wiped off his face when Shirley throws him out and he’s forced to go and live with Ian Beale and as you all know, when you move in with Ian you have to marry him – it’s Eastenders law.
CHRIST ON A BIKE, it’s been a whole week since we’ve been here! Can you believe it?!! That was rhetorical. Shut up.?Now that Pat has been airlifted out of this world to the tune of Sweet Caroline, it’s time to get back to the real world, and by real world we mean an entirely?fictitious?one, created to make you waste several hours of your life when you could be saving kittens or learning to read.
Ready?
First this week it’s?Eastenders, where the Bianca and Ricky saga continues to bore the living shit out of everyone as it’s now been running since 1993. They’re back together. No wait, they’re splitting up. Oh hang on they’re back together. OH JUST DIE. LEAVE. TOGETHER. OR?SEPARATELY. WE DON’T CARE. ?Want to know what happens? Just YouTube Eastenders from 1998 and save us the agony of discussing it any further.
