Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
In Japan, it’s pretty frowned upon to commit suicide. So what can they do when faced with the unswerving self loathing that is brought about by meeting Linkin Park?
You can wish that the (awful, awful, awful) tsunami and earthquake combo had actually killed everyone in the country!
And what were Linkin Park doing in the land of the rising sun? They were bothering school children because they’re heartless monsters!
Lady Gaga has been praised for raising awareness for relief efforts in sorting Japan out after the dreadful tsunami that struck the country down. However, like the world’s most weirdly dressed graverobber, she’s been accused of pocketing a load of money that should’ve gone to blighted country.
Less Bad Romance and more bad finance. Sorry. That’s easily the worst joke we’ve ever written.
Anyway, there’s some federal class action lawsuiting going on which is pointing at Gaga and saying that she’s jacked up the shipping costs on the “We Pray for Japan” wristbands she was flogging and keeping a portion of the profits herself, despite saying that all proceeds would go to directly to relief efforts. In fairness, she has a very expensive wardrobe to pay for. Surely Japan doesn’t mind?
If you don’t have at least a couple of hours to spare – never bring up the topic of earthquakes around Kelly Osbourne’s boyfriend.
If you do, he’ll likely tell you all about how they are a sudden release of energy from deep within the earth, and how they’re caused by plate tectonics. Then, if your experience is anything like ours, the topic of plate tectonics will send him on a Pangea tangent, and he’ll tell you about how the continents are all drifting back together at incredibly slow speeds, and they’re all gonna collide one day causing brand new mountain ranges to pop up all along former coast lines. Oh, also he’ll say something about praying you’re not alive when that time comes.
He even used a laser pointer and a colour-coded slide show. A real pill, we tell ya.
One writer didn’t know earthquakes were the secret passion of Kelly Osbourne‘s newest flame. We’re not sure what boyfriend’s name is, and we really can’t be bothered to check. Let’s just call him Big Gay Bruce. Anyway – one author recently said something about Big Gay Bruce not knowing how an earthquake happens.
This, apparently, led to a slap-happy assault on the author by Osbourne herself – with hands flying everywhere! Except not in the plural!
The most exciting event in Big Brother history has just happened.
Unfortunately, the incident happened in America and not in the UK where so far the most exciting thing to do for viewers is count how many times Luke mentions the £100k cheque.
We’re always told that things don’t go truly mental until the series kicks off, gets into its stride and sees housemates go quite mental. Sadly the UK version is halfway through and still as exciting as pouring vinegar over your own open wounds.
Consequently we’re switching to America for some entertainment. Quite literally we’re thanking God for turning the equally boring show into something worth watching. Fear not, we’ve got a video of it as well, after the jump.
Now we don’t have all the details – but from what we understand Judge Judy recently found an entire earthquake guilty of putting all of its tenants’ belongings out on the curb just because he didn’t pay rent for three months.
Those case details are a bit shaky, pun intended, but what we know for sure is that Judy’s courtroom was shaken all to pieces by a LA earthquake that happened a few days ago.
Footage has leaked, don’t you know, which allows each of us to watch Judy yell at the earthquake, tell it it’s an idiot, and after it refused to calm down – order her bailiff to escort it out to the lobby where it would have to wait until a verdict was reached.
That Dalai Lama and Robert Smith are a lot alike. More alike than you probably appreciate.
The Dalai Lama and Robert Smith both have their own websites, both find an umbrella necessary during monsoon season, both say “let’s go to bed” when they’re sleepy, and both of them are distancing themselves from Sharon Stone.
So, the Sharon Stone thing might be true for the Dalai Lama, but we’d wager Robert Smith would do the same, given the chance.
We’d all do the same, given the chance.
That Sharon Stone, eh? You can’t take her anywhere – primarily because she’ll start jabbering on like a tit about how the Chinese earthquake was karma.
One place you especially can’t take Sharon Stone is this year’s Shanghai Film Festival. Following her remarks that the recent Chine earthquake might have been some sort of cosmic payback for its occupation of Tibet, Sharon Stone’s invitation to the festival has been revoked.
Undeterred, Sharon Stone has decided to hold her own Sharon Stone Film Festival in her basement, and everyone’s invited – except for the Chinese, people who look a bit Chinesey, people who know all the words to Domo Arigato, Mr Roboto and anyone who doesn’t want to watch Catwoman, Sliver, Basic Instinct 2 and Police Academy 4 on a never-ending loop. She probably shouldn’t buy too many nibbles.
Hold the phone, word’s coming in that the unthinkable has just happened – brace yourselves, Sharon Stone has done something that isn’t utterly stupid.
This doesn’t happen often, so make the most of it. After saying that the recent Chinese earthquake, which has killed 70,000 people and left another five million homeless, was the result of bad karma for the country’s mistreatment of Tibet, Sharon Stone has managed to finally issue an apology.
Sharon Stone says she’s so sorry for offending the Chinese people with her thoughtless remarks that she’s going to devote herself to helping those affected by the earthquake however she can. Does anyone else get the feeling this is going to end with a patronising feature-length documentary entitled Damage Limitation: Sharon Stone Cries At Some Chinese People And Insincerely Refers To Them As ‘Incredible Little People’? Just us?
