Tune in, turn off.

Folded:

• Eagle Eye on DVD (couldn’t be any dumber if Shia LaBoeuf was wearing Bermuda shorts, but it is fun)
• Snoop Dogg’s Father Hood (delivers all its title promises)
• Easter (not the being able to eat chocolate like you can do every day of your life, more the time off. Time off is nice)
• X-Men Origins: Wolverine (no, of course we’ve not watched it, but some people who have say it’s pretty darn good)
• New series of The Inbetweeners (sod Skins. If this doesn’t take you back to being a teenager then you weren’t a teenager)

Creased:

• Why do letters from your bank always arrive on a Saturday? (because they want to ruin your weekend, that’s why)
• Domino’s piri piri pizza (it’s piri piri everything at the moment and it tastes like someone’s spilt an entire spice rack into a bottle of ketchup)
• Baby Mama on DVD (even Tina Fey can’t save this empty movie about absolutely nothing from being as boring as hell)
• Taylor Swift (pick a reason)
• People who still get stoned all the time (just grow up and be miserable like the rest of us)

This is how much of a superstar Shia LaBeouf is now – he can get a film like Eagle Eye to the top of the weekend box office.

Now, true, that might not seem like a big deal, given that Eagle Eye‘s big US weekend box office competition came in the form of two of the worst movies ever made, but don’t let that fool you – Eagle Eye‘s pretty terrible too, you know.

How terrible? Terrible in that it’s about Shia LaBeouf running around following orders barked at him by an unseen force. That’s right – Eagle Eye is basically the first half of the first season of 24, except that Shia LaBeouf doesn’t even get to shoot any foreigners in the face, and he doesn’t have a trouble-prone booby teenage daughter. That’s how rubbish Eagle Eye is.

Eagle Eye is the top movie at the weekend box office, and it’s not hard to see why – it’s all down to Shia LaBeouf and his big bloody adorable chubby little ubbadubba cheeks and his dreamy hair.

Shia LaBeouf is just weekend box office gold, and his name along can guarantee a movie’s success. Just like a sloppy Rear Window rip-off like Disturbia or a gormless near-abstract clod of summertime action crap like Transformers. You know what Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull would be without Shia LaBeouf? It’d be an overlong film about an old bloke getting chucked about in a fridge. At least with Shia it was an overlong film about an old bloke getting chucked about in a fridge co-starring a puppy-faced cherub. Here’s the weekend box office top five…

1 - Eagle Eye (Thank God that car crash didn’t kill Shia LaBeouf. If it had, his final message to the world would have been Eagle Eye. That’s roughly like if Heath Ledger had died right after making The Patriot, and that hardly bears thinking about, does it?) $29,200,000

2 - Nights in Rodanthe (Remember when we mentioned the two worst movies ever made a second ago? This is one of them. God knows what it’s about, but the trailer features some horses frolicking on a beach as a representation of free-wheeling spirit of love. Did you read that last sentence without stabbing yourself in the thigh with a letter opener? You’re made of stronger stuff than us, then) $13,570,000

3 - Lakeview Terrace (So apparently a bad neighbour now means Samuel L Jackson trying to kill you in a vaguely racially-motivated way. That’s nothing – ours has left a mattress on their front lawn for the last fortnight. Which is easily, unquestionable, worse) $7,000,000

4 - Fireproof (The second of our worst films ever? Why? Here’s how it describes itself: “At work, inside burning buildings, Capt. Caleb Holt lives by the old firefighter’s adage: Never leave your partner behind. At home, in the cooling embers of his marriage, he lives by his own rules. After seven years of marriage, Caleb and Catherine Holt have drifted so far apart that Catherine wishes she had never married. As the couple prepares to enter divorce proceedings, Caleb’s father challenges his son to commit to a 40-day experiment he calls…” Great, thanks Fireproof, now we’ve got two knackered thighs. You wanker) $6,514,000

5 - Burn After Reading (After No Country For Old Men and now Burn After Reading, the heat is on to find a haircut shitty enough to complete the Coen Brothers‘ Bad Hair Trilogy. Fingers crossed for a bloody Fontage, we say) $6,169,000

Read more:

Weekend Box Office - Box Office Mojo