Yes, we know there was a report yesterday claiming that Michael Jackson needed a lung transplant because he suffers from a potentially fatal genetic condition that has also destroyed his eyesight, but Michael Jackson is adamant that it’s untrue.

And if anyone says that Michael Jackson has a set of knackered lungs and rubbish vision, then he’ll hunt you down like a dog. But only if it’s in a well-lit environment. And it shouldn’t involve any running, either – he wears out easily, you know.

If you’re a Michael Jackson fan who hasn’t been put off by the years of broken promises, allegations of child molestation, inexplicably unpredictable behaviour, repeated claims of financial irregularity and gruesome exploding lips, then you’re about to get the best Christmas present of all – Michael Jackson isn’t about to die an excruciatingly painful death that involves him gasping for air that his body can no longer process!

Several alarming reports emerged yesterday, seeming to suggest that Michael Jackson urgently needed a lung transplant. This, claimed Michael Jackson biographer Ian Halperin, was because Jackson suffers from the rare genetic disorder Alpha-1 antitrypsin deficiency, which has given him emphysema, chronic gastrointestinal bleeding and has caused him to lose 95% vision in his left eye.

As such, it was said that if Michael Jackson didn’t get the lung transplant soon he’d quickly become a weak, inert, near-mute figure of public pity isolated from the rest of the world and unable to honour any professional commitments. So he’d basically be exactly the same as he already is, but with slightly more blood-vomiting.

However, forget all that crap. Michael Jackson is alive and well and his lungs are in tip-top conditions and to prove it he’ll do 50 star-jumps on his front lawn right now. Or, as an alternative, Michael Jackson will release a statement dismissing these claims that will be absolutely incontrovertible because it’s written by a man with a fake-sounding name who says he’s not only a doctor but also ‘Michael Jackson’s official and sole spokesman’. Take it away, Dr. Tohme Tohme:

“Concerning [Halperin's] allegations, we would hope in the future that legitimate media will not continue to be exploited by such an obvious attempt to promote this unauthorised biography… The writer’s wild allegations concerning Mr. Jackson’s health are a total fabrication. Mr. Jackson is in fine health and finalising negotiations with a major entertainment company and television network for both a world tour and a series of specials and appearances.”

This will come as wonderful news for all of Michael Jackson’s fans around the world. The reason why Michael Jackson hasn’t announced a new album or tour isn’t because he’s going to die of a terrifying lung disorder any time soon. It’s because he hates you. Or something. Either way, hooray!

The real winner of this palaver, though, is definitely Ian Halperin. By claiming that Michael Jackson is dying of an awful disease, he’s ensured that his biography will get a lot more publicity than it otherwise would have done. It’s a neat trick, and also the reason why Hecklerspray Industries will soon be publishing a number of completely untrue biographies such as Madonna’s Got Chlamydia, Robert Pattinson From Twilight Definitely Has Autoimmune Polyendocrinopathy Syndrome and What’s Up With Jennifer Aniston’s Eyelid? She Should Probably Get That Looked At.

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The 83-year-old has reportedly been told he has weeks to live following chemotherapy treatment for lung cancer and, when confronted with the news, he told doctors he wanted to die at home.

Just as he has proven time and time again through his long life, Paul Newman is nothing less than a man’s man – dictating where death is allowed to get its slimy mitts on him.

While we did all hope that Newman would crack a pool cue over cancer’s back, it would appear that the insidious little bastard of a disease has managed to one-up Butch Cassidy.

While we hope to God, Allah, Buddah, Xenu and everyone else in-between that the reports are as inaccurate as the ones saying Bernie Mac was healthy, recent images of Newman have left us with little hope, showing the legend looking weak and frail – a shell of the man we at hecklerspray have a real love for.

The love we spread around for the marinade king isn’t the kind you would normally get on hearing a legend – and be in no doubt that Paul Newman is anything but a legend – is on their way out, or has recently died. No, hecklerspray has constantly sung the praises of one of the greatest actors the world has ever seen.

We reckoned he was involved in one of the best scenes with one of the top ten movie assassins.

We pointed out his involvement in one of the top ten sports movies of all time.

And we obviously included his turn as a part of one of the top ten movie heists of all time.

Never let it be said we had anything other than utter admiration for the man.

Speaking to the Daily Mail, a friend of the family said:

“He didn’t want to die in the hospital. Joanne and his daughters are beside themselves with grief.”

The source heartbreakingly went on:

“The sudden move angered his children. It’s especially hard for them to come to grips with what’s going on. The word they’ve been given is that he has only a few weeks to live.”

It’s not often we’re lost for words but – well, we pretty much are now. Paul has apparently spent the last few weeks making sure his business and personal affairs are in order, as well as giving away his prized Ferarri to a friend. Not hecklerspray, unfortunately, but we’re not going to complain. Much.

It really has been something of a shitty few days for entertainment news – Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes both suddenly passing away over the weekend, and now the apparent impending death of one of the true greats of cinema. And you wonder why we’re so pissed off all the time.

We are hoping that the reports are fabricated, but if not: make your final marinades Paul – you will be missed. We have used the word a few times already in this post, but here we go again: the man is a legend.

And he makes chicken taste gooooood.

Assuming that Angelina Jolie has had herself some kids is one version of the game we’re more than willing to play. Even when it’s as clearly wrong as some people can be. That’s almost fun, if you’re into that kind of thing.

But a new take on the game seems to have been popping up over the course of the year – first we had Patrick Swayze and his cancer that was definitely going to kill him within weeks, then it didn’t, leaving the public confused and Swayze looking healthier than ever. Now it’s the turn of Bernie “I took over from Bill Murray in Charlie’s Angels” Mac to keep the press and public frantically guessing as to whether he’s actually alive, dying or dead.

Frankly, it’s quite a morbid game and we don’t want to play much.

Bernie, 50, admitted himself to hospital on the 3rd of August and was subsequently placed into treatment for pneumonia. It didn’t take long for something of a mild frenzy to whip up, though at first most news was simply taking the ’straight report’ route – as favoured by journalists that can’t be bothered trying very hard – telling the public Mac had been admitted for treatment.

Not long after, a new element was added to the game when reports emerged of an unnamed source – the most trustworthy of all the sources – saying Bernie was in a ‘very, very critical condition’ and alluding to him being either near to death or actually dead. Now, frankly that’s a bit unfair on the man, don’t you think? So, yes, he did do a far worse job than Bill Murray in Charlie’s Angels 2 and his role in Transformers was forgettable at best – but there’s no need to start spreading rumours that he’s actually dead now, is there. That’s just low.

Thankfully, reports have surfaced today quoting Bernie Mac’s rep as saying these words with their mouth – whether they were angry, crying or simply aloof when spouting these communications, we do not know:

“Bernie Mac is still alive and being treated at a Chicago hospital for pneumonia and is expected to make a full recovery.”

But regardless of the emotional state of this so-called ‘rep’, at least they were concise, to the point and didn’t bother with baseless speculation. Frankly, those aspects make the guessing game too hard to judge. At least with direct statements you can almost accept it as fact, especially when it comes from one of these ‘rep’ things with a name, Danica Smith. She went on to say:

“Mr. Mac is responding well to treatment and will be released soon.”

The disease is, according to those that report these things as fact, not related to Bernie’s long-standing sarcoidosis – a chronic disease that can cause inflammation of tissue, especially around the lungs. Mr Mac, as it would appear he likes to be called, has seen the remission of the disease since 2005.

All good to know. Hecklerspray sends our get well soon psychic beams out to you, Bernie.

However, heavy drinking and smoking have alarmingly made her thinner, sicker and a bit more violent. Oh, and there’s the drugs. You can’t forget about the drugs.

Anyway, all of this combined might be about to kill her, her Dad says. Who’d have guessed?

It’s been fairly well documented that Amy Winehouse has dabbled in the occasional drug. Despite the pleas of her family, friends and her record label, she still manages to flop around aimlessly and collapse in a heap for photographers.

After attempting to play Glastonbury and partaking in a bout of bare-knuckle boxing, Amy Winehouse’s health is reportedly in sharp decline. She was diagnosed with chronic lung disease emphysema last month and her long-suffering dad and messenger boy Mitch has warned that she could face a long and painful death.

Digital Spy reports:

“I want people to understand; even if they give her one cigarette they’re causing her harm. We would be talking about a very slow and painful death, gasping for air. I would like to say to anybody who would supply her with substances to think about that.”

Uh-oh, sales of Benson & Hedges are set to rapidly plummet following this announcement. Surely, Amy will take this advice seriously and not partake in the occasional smoke.

But, then again, that’s like trying to convince Manchester Utd that we’d be a suitable replacement for Ronaldo.

Of course, this story would be nothing without an appearance from Amy’s Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake. We know that’s not how you spell it, but we think ‘Blake’ is just a cover name. Anyway, Mitch Winehouse must be dreading the day that Blake is released from prison, because he’s thought to be the one who got Amy in all this trouble to begin with, right?

Nope. Mitch claims that once Blake is released from prison, he will go straight to rehab, clean up his act and become a scout leader and sell cookies to old women. Once again, he said:

“I’m quite old-fashioned and I believe that love can conquer anything. I believe they can have a happy ending, I really do believe that.”

Maybe Amy and Blake can become a modern day Romeo And Juliet? Picture the scene! In their scabby Camden flat amongst the used needles, vomit and spewed-up blood, the loving couple can lie together in each others arms as one slowly dies from a smokers cough. Shakespeare would be proud.