The BBC isn’t really known for being too daring with its programming. After all, that’s not really what dear old Auntie is about, is it? The Beeb is there to provide us with banal, safe and somewhat beige programming like My Family or Songs of Praise.
Although there is the odd foray into the risqué, which takes the form of some tripe that’s written by Susan Nickson of Two Pints of Lager & A Packet of Crisps/Grown Ups/Coming of Age fame. You know, those shows that are so bad that even the trailers aren’t funny.
But the BBC has taken the brave choice of broadcasting someone’s death on national television.
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Everyone can calm down now, the panic’s over – Michael Jackson’s lungs aren’t disgusting scab-covered peanuts after all.
Yes, we know there was a report yesterday claiming that Michael Jackson needed a lung transplant because he suffers from a potentially fatal genetic condition that has also destroyed his eyesight, but Michael Jackson is adamant that it’s untrue.
And if anyone says that Michael Jackson has a set of knackered lungs and rubbish vision, then he’ll hunt you down like a dog. But only if it’s in a well-lit environment. And it shouldn’t involve any running, either – he wears out easily, you know.
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It may well be out of character for hecklerspray to be genuine twice in a day, but Paul Newman is a better reason than any to break with tradition.
The 83-year-old has reportedly been told he has weeks to live following chemotherapy treatment for lung cancer and, when confronted with the news, he told doctors he wanted to die at home.
Just as he has proven time and time again through his long life, Paul Newman is nothing less than a man’s man – dictating where death is allowed to get its slimy mitts on him.
While we did all hope that Newman would crack a pool cue over cancer’s back, it would appear that the insidious little bastard of a disease has managed to one-up Butch Cassidy.
While we hope to God, Allah, Buddah, Xenu and everyone else in-between that the reports are as inaccurate as the ones saying Bernie Mac was healthy, recent images of Newman have left us with little hope, showing the legend looking weak and frail – a shell of the man we at hecklerspray have a real love for.
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There are some ‘are they-aren’t they?’ games that we prefer not to play, as they’re simply not as much fun as they should be.
Assuming that Angelina Jolie has had herself some kids is one version of the game we’re more than willing to play. Even when it’s as clearly wrong as some people can be. That’s almost fun, if you’re into that kind of thing.
But a new take on the game seems to have been popping up over the course of the year – first we had Patrick Swayze and his cancer that was definitely going to kill him within weeks, then it didn’t, leaving the public confused and Swayze looking healthier than ever. Now it’s the turn of Bernie “I took over from Bill Murray in Charlie’s Angels” Mac to keep the press and public frantically guessing as to whether he’s actually alive, dying or dead.
Frankly, it’s quite a morbid game and we don’t want to play much.
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Amy Winehouse used to be a healthy, fit women, whose only ghastly features were the tattoos that made her look like some sort of burly transvestite sailor.
However, heavy drinking and smoking have alarmingly made her thinner, sicker and a bit more violent. Oh, and there’s the drugs. You can’t forget about the drugs.
Anyway, all of this combined might be about to kill her, her Dad says. Who’d have guessed?
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As a 24-year-old, you’d be expected to be at the peak of your physical fitness.
Granted, the occasional boozy day and sly ciggie may do a little bit of harm to you, but so what? Unless you’re a Buddhist, you only live once, so take it all in your stride. If something happens to your temple-like body, modern day medicine can usually extend your knackered life out till around 83.
However some people take exception to this rule and pretty much disintegrate before our very eyes. Amy Winehouse used to be a healthy fit women whose only ghastly features were the tattoos that made her look like some sort of burly transvestite sailor. Heavy drinking and smoking have alarmingly made her thinner, sicker and a bit more violent. Oh, and there’s the drugs. You can’t forget about the drugs. Anyway, all of this combined might be about to kill her, her Dad says. Who'd have guessed?
