Hecklerspray » Dumped

Taylor Swift Gets Mean When Virgins Dump Her

Stuart Heritage — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 17:00:22 +0000

Not having been dumped by a Jonas brother, we’d assume that it’d be a giant relief – because then we’d get to move onto someone who’s not a toddler.

However, Taylor Swift doesn’t quite see it like that. Taylor was dumped by a Jonas brother last month, and she’s reacted as any normal 18-year-old girl would – by making an internet video that slags him off, by doing radio interviews that slag him off and by sort of claiming that all the angry songs on her new album are about what a turd he is.

Joe Jonas – for those of you who are able to distinguish between the Jonas Brothers and happen to inexplicably care enough to need to know which one dumped Taylor Swift, who we’re presuming you know as well – has yet to respond to Taylor Swift’s vitriol yet. Or maybe he has. To be honest we don’t care enough to find out.

Would anyone mind telling us how The Jonas Brothers suddenly got so famous? All we know about them is that they’re making a film about a trumping dog, they all have haircuts that are so ridiculous they border on illegal and the nearest any of them have ever got to a set of female genitals was once six years ago years ago when they accidentally got too close to a butcher’s window and one of them fainted.

But thanks to their music, film and TV work and the fact that Russell Brand mocked their virginity at a recent awards show, The Jonas Brothers are big business. Such big business, in fact, that it makes the news if one of them splits up with a girl. Even if we don’t really know who that girl is.

Which is good news, because we really don’t know who Taylor Swift is, either. Apparently she’s some sort of infant country singer or something. But, anyway, the important thing is that Joe Jonas split up with Taylor Swift last month, and in retaliation Taylor Swift has made it her mission to blurt out as many barely-veiled references to him in public as possible, as The Chicago Tribune reports:

On Ryan Seacrest’s radio show Wednesday, the country star revealed that she penned the tune “Always and Forever” about their October split. In a new video on her MySpace page, she pokes a little fun at Jonas, who reportedly dumped her over the phone. Holding up the “Camp Rock” Joe doll, she says, “See, this one even comes with a phone, so he can break up with other dolls!”

Well that’s just nasty. We don’t know what the lyrical content of this new Taylor Swift song is, but since other songs on her forthcoming album include What Kind Of Arsehole Splits Up With A Girl On The Phone, You’re An Embarrassing Virgin, Nobody Wants To Go And See A Film About A Stupid Farting Dog and Joe Jonas: Pigfucker, we can’t assume that it’s very positive.

And if, like us, you’re having trouble visualising the enormity of Joe Jonas dumping Taylor Swift, why not do what we did and imagine that it’s a couple you’ve heard of who split up instead. Is that helping? No? Yeah, you’re right. Screw it.

Kelly Brook Quite Happy She Dumped That Titanic Slaphead

Stuart Heritage — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 11:30:59 +0000

Sad news – Kelly Brook and Billy Zane have split up. Billy Zane. He was in Titanic. You know, Billy Zane. Went out with Kelly Brook for a while. Anyone?

However, perhaps it’s not all sad news that Kelly Brook and Billy Zane have split up. For a start it means that Billy can go back to making his rubbish straight-to-DVD movies without any distractions, while Kelly Brook looks positively thrilled that she dumped him.

And this happiness might even trickle down to you, boys, because it means Kelly Brook is back on the market. You have a chance! Provided, of course, that you’re older than Kelly Brook and bald. And a C-list actor who’ll use your meagre Hollywood status to boost Kelly’s acting career by association until you’ve exhausted your use at which point she’ll quickly dump you for someone infinitesimally more famous. That’ll help too.

Don’t look so surprised that Kelly Brook and Billy Zane have broken up. A love that pure and fragile could never hope to last in such a brutal world. Plus, you know, it’s Billy Zane for god’s sake. Ugh.

Yes, it’s with a heavy heart that we must tell you that Kelly Brook and Billy Zane’s romance has come to an end. Truly they were the golden couple of bald blokes who some people thought might have been gay and women so hell-bent on getting famous in America that they’ll shack up with the first fruity bald actor that they come across, no matter how obscure.

No doubt that, coming so soon after her father’s death, the split with Billy Zane has left Kelly Brook in a state of near-devastation, so perhaps we’ll just leave her to grieve her lost love in peace.

What? Kelly Brook’s swanking around with the world’s biggest grin on her face? Well in that case we’ll carry on, then. Metro reports:

Kelly Brook was eager to prove she’s a woman on the move after news broke she dumped long-time fiancÃ©, Billy Zane. The Strictly Come Dancing beauty certainly didn’t look unhappy on a visit to her mother’s home in Rochester. Beaming a grin from ear to ear, she flashed baiting cameras a clear message she’s over the four year romance. She then wagged a ring-less engagement finger to make sure there was no misinterpretation that she’s back on the market.

OK, so she seems quite happy to have ended it with Billy Zane, but what’s in store for Kelly Brook now? Does this mean that her hopes of cracking America as a major acting talent have ground to a halt? Or will she somehow manage to pick up an actor marginally more famous than Billy Zane in a couple of weeks and piggyback his success for a bit? The latter shouldn’t be too difficult because a) Kelly Brook is a nice-looking girl and b) literally nobody is less famous than Billy Zane.

But before that happens, let’s look back on the four years that Kelly Brook and Billy Zane spent together by revisiting their 2005 eroto-blockbuster Three. Actually, no, let’s not do that. We’d rather drink bleach than do that.

Jessica Simpson All Pissy About Split Story

Stuart Heritage — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 19:00:56 +0000

You may have read reports about Jessica Simpson getting dumped by Tony Romo – and it doesn't matter if you haven't, because Jessica Simpson's read it for you.

We know. Jessica Simpson can read. Weird.

Anyway, Jessica Simpson isn't pleased about the reports, to the extent that she's getting her lawyers to make OK! magazine apologise for telling lies.

But, hey, Jessica Simpson can read. Who knew?

You can't always believe what you read. Why, just the other day we read that if you grab a baby by the ankles and shake really hard its eyes fall out. Not true at all. Also we read that Dallas Cowboys sporty-type Tony Romo had dumped his girlfriend Jessica Simpson. And apparently that's not true either, although it hasn't got us in as much trouble with the police as the first one.

Apparently, according to a report in the February 4 edition of OK! magazine entitled 'Jessica Dumped!' Tony Romo split up with Jessica Simpson because he didn't want to move to LA, she didn't want to leave LA and, besides, she's a double shot of bad luck for him. And also Jessica's sister Ashlee kind of thinks she's a bitch.

That's the reported version, at least – we think it's probably a lot more likely that Tony Romo caught a glimpse of Jessica Simpson's silhouette in profile one night, thought a Tyrannosaurus Rex had come to eat him and dumped her out of fear.

Wait, no, that's not true, either. In fact, Jessica Simpson is saying that none of it is true and that she's going to hold her breath until OK! does a massive apology saying that it lied and that men only dump Jessica Simpson because they're gay, mentally ill or the TV show based on their sham marriage to her comes to an end. Or something. TMZ reports:

Simpson's lawyers have sent a letter to OK!'s Editor-in-Chief, Sarah Ivens, claiming OK!'s article is bogus, adding that Jess and Tony are still together and that Ashlee and Jessica remain close. The attorneys say the article reflects a "smear campaign" and has subjected Simpson to "public contempt, ridicule, aversion or disgrace." The lawyers want OK! to "immediately publish a prominent and unambiguous" retraction.

So the truth seems to be that Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are still very much together, for the time being at least. We're sure that news will be welcomed by the millions of Dallas Cowboy fans around the world who all now see Jessica as a jinx-laden Yoko Ono hero-destroyer figure.

But anyway, even if Tony Romo had split up with Jessica Simpson, would it really be all that bad. After all, all Jessica needs to do is make one phonecall to her dad and she can have any boyfriend she wants.

Besides, all of this palaver has just caused a bigger problem for Jessica Simpson. By getting her lawyers to order a retraction from OK! because of a 'smear campaign' against her, she's shown herself to be humourless, heavy-handed and just a little bit paranoid. People don't think anyone has a smear campaign out against Jessica Simpson for one very obvious reason.

And that reason is that people just don't care about Jessica Simpson enough to create a smear campaign. Ask yourself this: if Jessica Simpson suddenly disappeared from the face of the Earth, how long would it take for you to notice? Months? Years? Face it, you'd have to end up stuck on an aeroplane being forced to watch Employee Of The Month before you even started to wonder where she'd gone.

And even then you'd think she was Mandy Moore.