Say what you like about Kelly Osbourne, but… no, seriously. Say whatever you like. We’re not Kelly Osbourne so we’re not going to defend her. That’s because she’s rather fond of doing it for herself.

See, Kelly has had a privileged but awkward upbringing, and so, as some coping mechanism, developed a really loud mouth.

If you go after her, she’ll probably huff and puff and yell your house down. So, when an ex of hers starts slating her on twitter, she’s not likely to take it lying down is she? Especially when she’s still grieving over the loss of her friend, Amy Winehouse.

Osbourne has had many run-ins with her ex-fiance – Luke Worrall – and this week, he really did pick a lousy time to start airing the dirty linen.

At some point, he obviously remembered that his ex had just lost a mate, and hastily deleted his tweets aimed at Kelly. Sadly for him, she’d already seen them.

After returning and seeing what he wrote, she responded:

“@luke_worrall you’ve made it very clear u only dated me 4 my life style but s*** tweets about me the day im @ a funeral u have hit a new low.”

Fair enough. She wasn’t done though.

“@luke_worrall it was fine when my Kellyphant ass was paying 4everything wasn’t it? i just didn’t think u could get much lower but u did #wow.”

Kellyphant? Crikey. That’s beneath even us!

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Dog owners are idiots. They dote on their flea-bitten shit-factories like they’re proper members of the family, despite the fact they do no work around the house, demand food and walkies and are only good for blaming your flatulence on.

Not that dog owners would ever let on. They look into their idiot dog’s eyes and mistake stupidity for some kind of human empathy. ‘My dog understands me and is always there when I need them!’ Dogs are always there, period. They’re after food or a piss, not a heart-to-heart. Dogs probably don’t even have hearts. Just more shit.

Of course, the rest of us perfectly sensible humans have to put up with people when their dogs die. We suffered like Jesus on the cross when Jennifer Aniston’s dog passed-away, and now, we are required to do the same for Kelly Osbourne who has lost the only thing in her life that she felt was an intellectual equal.

That’s right kiddiewinks, Kelly’s pooch, Noodles, has been ‘put to sleep’ (or, if you’re being honest, terminated with a syringe of poison) which has left her ‘devastated’.

Apparently, this lesser being (we’re talking about the dog here) was exterminated without prejudice after it was discovered that it had an incurable brain defect. No, we don’t care either. Let us get this clear – a dog called Noodles, which is a Pomeranian or something, had a seizure and then got killed.

Not that Kelly sees it through rational eyes.

She said:

“My poor baby girl Noodles is sick. She had a seizure and they don’t know why I’m taking her to see a specialist 2 hours away for a brain scan. I can’t even look at my baby girl with out crying she just looks so sick and helpless.(sic)”

She later tweeted:

“Noodles is not going to make it. She was born with a brain defect and I have to put her to sleep today. I’m devastated. I just cant believe it. (sic)”

The world is potentially going to cry its entire reserves of water over this because this TRAGEDY comes a matter of weeks after Kelly almost lost another dog. A dog called Sid. Sid who died after accidentally swallowing some chewing gum. Chewing gum still in the wrapper.

Stupid fucking canines.

“Poor Sid ate half a packet of chewing gum, last week and I had to rush him to the vet. There’s Xylitol – a sweetener – in gum, which is the dog equivalent of giving cyanide to humans. It causes their blood sugar to drop and shuts down liver functions. He’s fine now, but it was traumatic. The vet thinks, because he chewed it with the paper on, it didn’t go into his system as quickly as it could have, which saved his life.”

Last July, her puppy Woody died aged just 14 weeks old from unknown causes.

At the time, Kelly said:

“My life could not get any worse right now I come home to find my dog Woody is dead.”

So there you have it. Kelly Osbourne. Her house is like Auschwitz for dogs.

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You’d think that Sharon Osbourne was unshockable wouldn’t you? After all, she’s willingly had intercourse with Ozzy Osbourne, probably with the lights on too. She’s also stared at her own surgically enhanced face in the mirror, while wearing no make-up. She lets her dogs shit in the house.

However, it seems Sharon is a bit of a prude, especially when it comes to accidental porn.

Now, that’s not to say she’s discovered a new niche of bongo films, where people get off with each other while in a train wreck (it’s only a matter of time before that takes off), but rather, her cheery daughter, Kelly, has revealed that Sharon was left agog after someone accidentally sent some smut to her mobile.

That’s right! Terrible atrocities may well be going on around the world and despotic leaders cling to power with their bloody nails scraping down palatial walls, but Sharon Osbourne has had porn sent to her phone by a complete stranger!

Kelly spluttered that her oddly-faced mother contacted her in a massive panic after she opened up a message, which displayed material that was Rated X.

Kelly tweeted:

“My mum just told me the funniest story. someone thinks they are texting a friend named sam but they are accidentally texting my mum porn! My mum is like ‘i dont want anyone thinking i like looking at dirty horrible things like that!’ she is freaking out its so funny!”

Amazing, given that she’s probably had to do some dirty horrible things in her life, seeing as she worked in rock ‘n’ roll with various members of Black Sabbath before finding a TV career.

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Kelly Osbourne, a girl who has more hang-ups than a gallows convention, is shouting her mouth off again in the hope that it makes her appear like she’s one of those Z clicking independent wimmin who won’t be taking no grief from no-one. OKAY?

However, she’s not being all feminist, rather, she’s saying that Hollywood only has two types of people. Charmingly, the two kinds of souls there are fall into either the bitch category, or under the umbrella of ‘slut’.

And with that, she’s confessed that she’d rather be a bitch than a slut. That’s the charm we’ve come to expect from a girl who has yet to work out her purpose in the world whilst taking it out on everyone else.

Of course, being a nasty, loudmouth git isn’t ever simply an exercise in meanery. Rather, like those who start sentences with “I’m not being funny, right…”, it is an exercise in ‘standing up for yourself’.

And that’s exactly what Kelly Osbourne is telling herself when she brands other women ‘sluts’.

“This is something that my mom taught me when we’re growing up in the industry and I don’t know how to word this, but you’re either a slut or a bitch, and I would rather be a bitch.”

“I have this thing ever since I was a kid, like, if I don’t like someone, I just don’t like them.”

That’ll explain why our Kelly is so popular then.

But alas, the person Kelly hates more than anyone else is Kelly Osbourne.

That’s right. She’s been wishing she were dead.

“I woke up one day and I couldn’t believe that I was hoping that if I took a bit more that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. And that’s what really scared me. I was just like I can’t believe I have become this person.

Sadly for us bitches and sluts, Kelly has decided to sort herself out with a spot of rehab. She can only hope that the people who work there don’t have the same ‘if I don’t like you, there’s nothing I can do about it’ attitude as her, eh readers?

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Kelly Osbourne, who has found out the hard way that you can lose loads of weight but alas, it doesn’t make your massive skull any smaller, is a woman scorned. Her ex, a model called Luke Worrall, cheated on her over Christmas and it all went tits-up.

However, the rags were thrilled about the whole thing because there was a twist in the tale! Worrall cheated on Osbourne with Elle Schneider who, GET THIS, was once a man called Reynaldo Gonzalez!

IMAGINE THAT?!

Of course, the subtext with any story involving someone who is transgender is “Ho ho ho! Aren’t some people weird?! Do we call them ‘he’, ‘she’ or ‘it’? WHAT A DAFT WORLD WE LIVE IN! HO HO HO!”, which is about as subtle and pleasant as finding a spent condom in your coat pocket.

Alas, the real odd piece of this celebrity jigsaw is that here, we have two women who are bonding over the fact they’ve shagged the same person who cheated on the more famous one of the two.

Elle said:

“I spoke to Kelly about two days ago. Every time we talk on the phone, it will be for 40 minutes to an hour . Kelly contacted me on 25 December.”

“She had read Luke’s private messages to me on his twitter page and wanted to let me know he had been lying to me, just like he had lied to her.”

Elle, who is undergoing treatment for… well… what do you think, cretins? first met Luke at a New York nightclub and the both ended up having sex in a hotel. So far, so normal one-night-stand.

Luke, who may well be something of a love-rat, wasn’t fussed when Elle told him she was a transsexual and actually seemed more interested in her because of it. Even if it was only a curiosity fuck, that’s quite commendable.

Elle says:

“I was open with Luke, I told him I was born a boy. He didn’t mind. In fact it turned him on more. He told me I was beautiful. It was only when I took my clothes off that hew saw I had a penis. He wasn’t fazed by it ‘ he was very complimentary.”

Alas, Ms Osbourne isn’t so complimentary about ol’ Luke, stating that she only feels disgust for him.

Elle adds:

“From the moment I met him he was telling me he loved me and wanted us to get married. At the same time he was professing his love to me, he was doing the same to Kelly. I think the way he has treated her is terrible. The way Luke lives his life is completely toxic.”

If you can’t recall what Kelly said, it went a little something like this:

‘@Luke_worrall is the biggest piece of s**t he has been trying to get back w/ me I only came home for Xmas to see him meanwhile he has been f***ing 100′s of girls as well as men behind my back all he did was use me all girls beware of…

@Luke_worral he is a using ****! He used me for my money and a free ride he is lucky I am not spilling the hole truth about what he did ! [sic]‘

So there you have it. Make your own stupid minds up about it all.

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Poor old Kelly Osbourne. After years of being chided for her masculine features – her strong jaw, wrestler’s shoulders and mouth like a inebriated docker – she’s finally managed to slim down to a rough approximation of femininity and find a lovely Aryan man-child to become her fiancé, only to get cheated on with a man.

Well, an ex-man, to be precise. Nearly. She still has a penis, and is pre-op. So it’s really a technically either way.

Anyway, sod it, we’re going to use the feminine pronoun for the rest of this and you can all fight it out in the comments or use your rage as an excuse to wrestle with that sex doll of indeterminate gender and species you have in the cupboard. You know, the one you’ve named after your mum.

Now, you might have to pay attention in this story, because all of the participants are almost identical-looking fake-blonde twenty somethings, one of whom is a girl but was born a man, one is a girl but used to look like a boy and one is a boy who looks a bit like a girl. Frankly, this article is becoming difficult to write as there’s a strong presence of an erection as we type.

Anyway, the facts are these: you may remember that Kelly Osbourne got the bestest Christmas a girl could get, and found out that her husband-to-be had been away banging a girl in New York. Turns out that Elle Schneider, the girl in question, was born a man, with man-bits and everything. How disgusting. Obviously, it’s only Kelly Osbourne and that, but cheating on your fiancé? How disgustingly shit.

The Mirror girds its gender-neutral loins and reports:

It was only when I took my clothes off he saw I had a penis. He wasn’t fazed by it – he was very complimentary. He was drunk. He stayed the night and did not leave my hotel room until 11am the next day. Back then, I had no idea he was engaged. He repeatedly insisted he was single.

And that was over a year ago. Since then, they’ve been using Skype for video-sex (no idea either. But then again we’re not even sure how ‘regular’ sex works, so best not to ask us. Send prostitutes instead). It was only after she came over to see him DJ (oh, so apparently he’s a DJ. Huh, that’s a piece of information we’re going to have to forget) and hooked up with her again that Kelly got suspicious. In an ending worthy of a made for TV movie (in the unlikely even that they commission one about a blonde knob-headed DJ and his transatlantic, transgendered hookups) the two women:

…started chatting and swapping stories via Facebook and Twitter and soon realised he had been stringing them both along.

Girl power! Or something. Anyway, it’s a mostly happy ending. Apart from Elle being publicly outed, Luke will hopefully never DJ or appear in the public consciousness again and best of all, it’ll almost definitely be another few years before there is any more Osbourne added to the gene pool!

Hurrah!

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Kelly Osbourne has learned that, once you lose loads of weight, it is much easier for nasty sorts to get through your ribcage and cause you heartache. It’s a good thing that festive food and drink is an excellent substitute for feelings.

That’s because our Kelly has had a turbulent end to 2010, resulting in a rather sweary rant on twitter (yes, we’re astonished as well).

Osbourne went off on one like a mad-thing against her now former fiance Luke Worrall, who we’ve never heard of either. All we know is that he looks like a cross between Spike from Buffy and a ten year old Aryan posterboy.

This is how it all unfolded.

Osbourne kicked things off in a vague, emo manner, tweeting:

“Just found something out that has hurt my feelings so bad and christmas was going so well.”

Then, over a series of tweets, she added:

“What do you do when someone lies in the darkest way and you try to tell the person that was lied to but they don’t believe you? I think the best part of this situation is that I have been painted out to be the crazy one when all I did was tell the honest to God truth.”

Sounds like a case of ‘I’m not being funny or anything, but…’. Still, Kelly wasn’t prepared to languish in cryptic vaguery, returning to that famous potty gob of hers, offering up some splendid ‘night time language’.

“Luke Worrall is the biggest piece of s**, he has been trying to get back with me, I only came home for Xmas to see him. Meanwhile, he has been f***ing hundreds of girls…behind my back.”

She wasn’t done there either, continuing:

“All he did was use me. All girls, beware of @Luke_worral he is a using C***! He used me for my money and a free ride. He is lucky I am not spilling the whole truth about what he did!”

“He is the worst thing that ever happened to me,”

“I don’t give a f*** what happens to him anymore…I am and always will be too good for him…Darling, your pretty face will only get you so far because you don’t have the brains to back it up.”

The truth about what he did? How intriguing! We can only assume that ‘the truth’ means that he used to nick the odd quid out of her purse to buy 20 Regal King Size/20 Luckies (depending on what country they were in, of course).

“Don’t think I have ever felt so stupid. He made a fool of me.”

We find that had to believe. C’mon now. Kelly Osbourne constantly looks like she’s in a state of dumbness and was probably born into a wicker basket marked ‘Fool’. Still, she’s all heartbroken and we’re poking fun at her. That isn’t fair is it?

Well it wasn’t fair on us when we had to listen to those wretched records you released some years ago.

Anyway, we’ll be getting a break from sweary Kelly as she’s…

“off Twitter for a while. never felt like this in my life.”

We’ll start cutting ourselves in solidarity Kel.

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Not having been dumped by a Jonas brother, we’d assume that it’d be a giant relief – because then we’d get to move onto someone who’s not a toddler.

However, Taylor Swift doesn’t quite see it like that. Taylor was dumped by a Jonas brother last month, and she’s reacted as any normal 18-year-old girl would – by making an internet video that slags him off, by doing radio interviews that slag him off and by sort of claiming that all the angry songs on her new album are about what a turd he is.

Joe Jonas – for those of you who are able to distinguish between the Jonas Brothers and happen to inexplicably care enough to need to know which one dumped Taylor Swift, who we’re presuming you know as well – has yet to respond to Taylor Swift’s vitriol yet. Or maybe he has. To be honest we don’t care enough to find out.

Would anyone mind telling us how The Jonas Brothers suddenly got so famous? All we know about them is that they’re making a film about a trumping dog, they all have haircuts that are so ridiculous they border on illegal and the nearest any of them have ever got to a set of female genitals was once six years ago years ago when they accidentally got too close to a butcher’s window and one of them fainted.

But thanks to their music, film and TV work and the fact that Russell Brand mocked their virginity at a recent awards show, The Jonas Brothers are big business. Such big business, in fact, that it makes the news if one of them splits up with a girl. Even if we don’t really know who that girl is.

Which is good news, because we really don’t know who Taylor Swift is, either. Apparently she’s some sort of infant country singer or something. But, anyway, the important thing is that Joe Jonas split up with Taylor Swift last month, and in retaliation Taylor Swift has made it her mission to blurt out as many barely-veiled references to him in public as possible, as The Chicago Tribune reports:

On Ryan Seacrest‘s radio show Wednesday, the country star revealed that she penned the tune “Always and Forever” about their October split. In a new video on her MySpace page, she pokes a little fun at Jonas, who reportedly dumped her over the phone. Holding up the “Camp Rock” Joe doll, she says, “See, this one even comes with a phone, so he can break up with other dolls!”

Well that’s just nasty. We don’t know what the lyrical content of this new Taylor Swift song is, but since other songs on her forthcoming album include What Kind Of Arsehole Splits Up With A Girl On The Phone, You’re An Embarrassing Virgin, Nobody Wants To Go And See A Film About A Stupid Farting Dog and Joe Jonas: Pigfucker, we can’t assume that it’s very positive.

And if, like us, you’re having trouble visualising the enormity of Joe Jonas dumping Taylor Swift, why not do what we did and imagine that it’s a couple you’ve heard of who split up instead. Is that helping? No? Yeah, you’re right. Screw it.

Sad news – Kelly Brook and Billy Zane have split up. Billy Zane. He was in Titanic. You know, Billy Zane. Went out with Kelly Brook for a while. Anyone?

However, perhaps it’s not all sad news that Kelly Brook and Billy Zane have split up. For a start it means that Billy can go back to making his rubbish straight-to-DVD movies without any distractions, while Kelly Brook looks positively thrilled that she dumped him.

And this happiness might even trickle down to you, boys, because it means Kelly Brook is back on the market. You have a chance! Provided, of course, that you’re older than Kelly Brook and bald. And a C-list actor who’ll use your meagre Hollywood status to boost Kelly’s acting career by association until you’ve exhausted your use at which point she’ll quickly dump you for someone infinitesimally more famous. That’ll help too.

Don’t look so surprised that Kelly Brook and Billy Zane have broken up. A love that pure and fragile could never hope to last in such a brutal world. Plus, you know, it’s Billy Zane for god’s sake. Ugh.

Yes, it’s with a heavy heart that we must tell you that Kelly Brook and Billy Zane’s romance has come to an end. Truly they were the golden couple of bald blokes who some people thought might have been gay and women so hell-bent on getting famous in America that they’ll shack up with the first fruity bald actor that they come across, no matter how obscure.

No doubt that, coming so soon after her father’s death, the split with Billy Zane has left Kelly Brook in a state of near-devastation, so perhaps we’ll just leave her to grieve her lost love in peace.

What? Kelly Brook’s swanking around with the world’s biggest grin on her face? Well in that case we’ll carry on, then. Metro reports:

Kelly Brook was eager to prove she’s a woman on the move after news broke she dumped long-time fiancé, Billy Zane. The Strictly Come Dancing beauty certainly didn’t look unhappy on a visit to her mother’s home in Rochester. Beaming a grin from ear to ear, she flashed baiting cameras a clear message she’s over the four year romance. She then wagged a ring-less engagement finger to make sure there was no misinterpretation that she’s back on the market.

OK, so she seems quite happy to have ended it with Billy Zane, but what’s in store for Kelly Brook now? Does this mean that her hopes of cracking America as a major acting talent have ground to a halt? Or will she somehow manage to pick up an actor marginally more famous than Billy Zane in a couple of weeks and piggyback his success for a bit? The latter shouldn’t be too difficult because a) Kelly Brook is a nice-looking girl and b) literally nobody is less famous than Billy Zane.

But before that happens, let’s look back on the four years that Kelly Brook and Billy Zane spent together by revisiting their 2005 eroto-blockbuster Three. Actually, no, let’s not do that. We’d rather drink bleach than do that.

Read more:

Single Kelly Is All Smiles Again – Metro

You may have read reports about Jessica Simpson getting dumped by Tony Romo – and it doesn't matter if you haven't, because Jessica Simpson's read it for you.

We know. Jessica Simpson can read. Weird.

Anyway, Jessica Simpson isn't pleased about the reports, to the extent that she's getting her lawyers to make OK! magazine apologise for telling lies.

But, hey, Jessica Simpson can read. Who knew?

You can't always believe what you read. Why, just the other day we read that if you grab a baby by the ankles and shake really hard its eyes fall out. Not true at all. Also we read that Dallas Cowboys sporty-type Tony Romo had dumped his girlfriend Jessica Simpson. And apparently that's not true either, although it hasn't got us in as much trouble with the police as the first one.

Apparently, according to a report in the February 4 edition of OK! magazine entitled 'Jessica Dumped!' Tony Romo split up with Jessica Simpson because he didn't want to move to LA, she didn't want to leave LA and, besides, she's a double shot of bad luck for him. And also Jessica's sister Ashlee kind of thinks she's a bitch.

That's the reported version, at least – we think it's probably a lot more likely that Tony Romo caught a glimpse of Jessica Simpson's silhouette in profile one night, thought a Tyrannosaurus  Rex had come to eat him and dumped her out of fear.

Wait, no, that's not true, either. In fact, Jessica Simpson is saying that none of it is true and that she's going to hold her breath until OK! does a massive apology saying that it lied and that men only dump Jessica Simpson because they're gay, mentally ill or the TV show based on their sham marriage to her comes to an end. Or something. TMZ reports:

Simpson's lawyers have sent a letter to OK!'s Editor-in-Chief, Sarah Ivens, claiming OK!'s article is bogus, adding that Jess and Tony are still together and that Ashlee and Jessica remain close. The attorneys say the article reflects a "smear campaign" and has subjected Simpson to "public contempt, ridicule, aversion or disgrace." The lawyers want OK! to "immediately publish a prominent and unambiguous" retraction.

So the truth seems to be that Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are still very much together, for the time being at least. We're sure that news will be welcomed by the millions of Dallas Cowboy fans around the world who all now see Jessica as a jinx-laden Yoko Ono hero-destroyer figure.

But anyway, even if Tony Romo had split up with Jessica Simpson, would it really be all that bad. After all, all Jessica needs to do is make one phonecall to her dad and she can have any boyfriend she wants. 

Besides, all of this palaver has just caused a bigger problem for Jessica Simpson. By getting her lawyers to order a retraction from OK! because of a 'smear campaign' against her, she's shown herself to be humourless, heavy-handed and just a little bit paranoid. People don't think anyone has a smear campaign out against Jessica Simpson for one very obvious reason. 

And that reason is that people just don't care about Jessica Simpson enough to create a smear campaign. Ask yourself this: if Jessica Simpson suddenly disappeared from the face of the Earth, how long would it take for you to notice? Months? Years? Face it, you'd have to end up stuck on an aeroplane being forced to watch Employee Of The Month before you even started to wonder where she'd gone.

And even then you'd think she was Mandy Moore.

Read more:

Jessica Says There's B.S. in OK! – TMZ