Dunderheaded, probably passed off as post-modernist satire, Duke Nukem is coming back in a bevvy of boobs, stupid weapons, grating asides and dreadful metal bands. Of course, those onside adore him. Everyone wonders why people still play first-person shooters.
Either way, there’s a fizzing excitement in the gaming world as Duke Nukem Forever looms. It is getting an international release from June 10th onward across everything apart from the Wii.
And now, there’s a pissing trailer which features lesbian schoolgirls, aliens, pole dancers, daft weapons and Duke’s infamous all-action hero voice. Basically, he’s the man Jason Statham has based his whole career on. Which is a terrifying prospect.
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Duke Nukem is back! Well he probably isn’t, but he might be and that’s exciting news… apparently.
For those of you who were too young to remember the 90s allow me to explain. Duke Nukem was part John McClane, part Rambo and part Wolverine, a seemingly invincible, wisecracking, steroid-abusing, weapon-wielding tough guy who shot first and asked questions later. He also, curiously, had the same name as a villain from the Saturday morning cartoon series Captain Planet.
The latest incarnation of the Duke Nukem series, which has featured such classics as Duke Nukem, Duke Nukem 2 and… erm, Duke Nukem 3D, was thought to be dead in the water after developers 3D Realms went bust because founder and lead developer of Duke Nukem Forever, George Broussard, suffered an extreme case of what is known as Axl Rose Syndrome.
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You know, here at Hecklerspray, we deplore violence.
But even we cannot fathom why people get in such a flap about videogame violence – it’s not real. Besides, the more time some sweaty kid spends locked up in his room playing Grand Theft Auto, the less time he is out on the street causing mischief. It also means he can satisfy his bloodlust within the four walls of his bedroom – just like certain other urges teenage boys get.
And if he wants to beat some poor old lady to death in the street, so be it. It’s only pixels after all. Nobody gets hurt.
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It’s E3 this week in LA, and we have our intrepid reporter Dave over there covering everything in his periodic updates.
What this means is there’s little else going on in the gaming world and it’s hard for us to think of much else to cover.
So why not just go read Dave’s E3 columns for your fix on the breaking news and just to see him boasting about how he gets to go to LA for free like a massive, massive twerp.
Jealousy: our strong point. But read on for things we’ve been trying to think about this week while we avoid the thought of E3. Namely: why summer is stupid and ruins gaming, why Demon’s Souls is stupid and ruins gaming and why the recession is stupid and ruins gaming.
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