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DUI

Shia LaBeouf Far Too Adorable To Be Charged With DUI

by Stuart Heritage

Wow, this really is a lucky escape for Shia LaBeouf – every single copy of his bad new movie Eagle Eye has been destroyed in a fire.

Only kidding. In reality Shia LaBeouf has had another kind of lucky escape that’s less lucky than nobody being able to ever watch that rubbish new film of his but still lucky nonetheless – he won’t be charged for DUI after flipping his car upside down a few months ago.

It’s not all good news, though, because Shia could still lose his licence for up to nine months, because he refused to submit to a breathalyzer test. Worse still, Shia LaBeouf’s crash-mangled hand means that the only movies that he’s currently being considered for are The Jeremy Beadle Story, Jeremy Beadle Goes To Outer Space and a little-known erotic thriller entitled Let Me Lick Your Wrist-Nub.

Wow, this really is a lucky escape for Shia LaBeouf - every single copy of his bad new movie Eagle Eye has been destroyed in a fire. Only kidding. In reality Shia LaBeouf has had another kind of lucky escape that's less lucky than nobody being able to ever watch that rubbish new film of his but still lucky nonetheless - he won't be charged for DUI after flipping his car upside down a few months ago. It's not all good news, though, because Shia could still lose his licence for up to nine months, because he refused to submit to a breathalyzer test. Worse still, Shia LaBeouf's crash-mangled hand means that the only movies that he's currently being considered for are The Jeremy Beadle Story, Jeremy Beadle Goes To Outer Space and a little-known erotic thriller entitled Let Me Lick Your Wrist-Nub.
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Shia LaBeouf Arrested For The Old Glug Glug Vroom Vroom

by Stuart Heritage

It’s weird to think that Shia LaBeouf could ever get arrested for DUI, but that’s because he looks like he’s about six years old.

Honestly, look at Shia LaBeouf’s adorable little puppydog face – it’s as if a single drop of alcohol has never passed his lips. But apparently it has – early yesterday morning Shia LaBeouf was arrested on suspicion of DUI after he crashed his car in Hollywood.

Really though? Shia LaBeouf? DUI? There must be another explanation. Perhaps Shia was impaired on something other than alcohol, like Haribo or Um Bongo. And perhaps he only crashed his car because his adorable little legs couldn’t stretch all the way down to the pedals, the wubby little lamby wamb.

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US Election Betting Odds: Scandal Edition – DUI

by Stuart Heritage

The US presidential election is getting closer and closer, which means you have less and less time to cynically profit from it.

So thanks heavens for us – we’ve got all the US election betting odds you could ever wish for right here. Not the important betting odds about who’ll win, you understand, but what the next scandal to blow up in a candidate’s face will be. It’s better this way. Trust us.

Here are the US election betting odds for a DUI scandal, with help from Paddy Power…

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Lindsay Lohan ‘Pissed’ Over (Usage Of) Her Own Face

by Paul Sorrenti

Lindsay Lohan is pissed off because an image of her drunken, villainous face has been used in an effort to teach America that ‘not all alcohol users are as irresponsible as people like Lindsay Lohan’ in a full page advert in USA Today on Friday.

The ad was part of a campaign against legislation for convicted drunk-drivers to have Ignition interlocks installed (a device that measures a driver’s blood alcohol level before their vehicle can start) and was funded by the American Beverage Institute, a trade group that supports the interests of the alcohol industry.

Why is the alcohol industry having a go at Lindsay Lohan? Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. What’s next; the American Cake Institute denouncing Rosie O’Donnell?

Madness.

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Scott Weiland Jailed, Stone Temple Pilots Reunion Sadly Still On

by Stuart Heritage

Sacked Velvet Revolver singer and My First Nazi Gollum dollset life model Scott Weiland is going to jail.

In what’ll cap off a particularly rubbish opening third of 2008 for him, Scott Weiland has been sentenced to eight days in jail for crashing his car drunk in Los Angeles last November – a charge that he can add to another DUI from 2003, some drug offences from the 1990s and a domestic violence charge from 2001.

Still, eight days in jail isn’t that bad – it’s lucky that the judge didn’t take Scott Weiland’s music into consideration when reaching the sentence, otherwise he’d have been given life. In solitary confinement. On a dung heap. Up afarty dragon’s bottom. On the moon.

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Richie Sambora: ‘Yeah, OK, I Am A Drunken Old Twonk’

by Stuart Heritage

Look at his hair, or listen to his pointless band, and you wouldn’t assume Richie Sambora to have a very astute sense of self-awareness.

But, hey, threatening a man with prison for being a terrible father tends to make people snap to attention. Which is why Richie Sambora has pleaded guilty to DUI after police arrested him for swerving about the highway like a pissed-up ninny.

And, thanks to the magic of the plea deal, Richie Sambora’s sudden bout of guilt means that he’s got away with three years probation instead of a jail sentence. It’s a win-win for all involved – lessons have been learned, the crowded prison system gets one inmate less to deal with and Richie Sambora’s daughter gets three solid years of ostentatious presents from her father as he attempts to buy back her love after he drove around with her while drunk. Heartwarming.

Look at his hair, or listen to his pointless band, and you wouldn't assume Richie Sambora to have a very astute sense of self-awareness. But, hey, threatening a man with prison for being a terrible father tends to make people snap to attention. Which is why Richie Sambora has pleaded guilty to DUI after police arrested him for swerving about the highway like a pissed-up ninny. And, thanks to the magic of the plea deal, Richie Sambora's sudden bout of guilt means that he's got away with three years probation instead of a jail sentence. It's a win-win for all involved - lessons have been learned, the crowded prison system gets one inmate less to deal with and Richie Sambora's daughter gets three solid years of ostentatious presents from her father as he attempts to buy back her love after he drove around with her while drunk. Heartwarming.
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Barron Hilton Admits Being Totally Hammered That One Time

by Stuart Heritage

Barron Hilton, let’s be clear, is a man. A man with a stupid haircut and the obnoxious sneer of the overprivileged, but a man nonetheless.

And part of being a man involves admitting when you do wrong. Which is handy, because another part of being a man involves getting shitfaced on booze and driving around until the police arrest you, which counts as doing wrong.

And Barron Hilton has now done both of these things – he may have been arrested for DUI, but he’s also big enough to plead guilty to it. And now that Barron Hilton has joined the man club, he’s allowed to do all kinds of other man things, like grow a moustache and beat up women. Yay!

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Mischa Barton: No Contest To Being A Pot-Addled Halfwit

by Stuart Heritage

Good news! Mischa Barton – the thunderingly pointless star of The OC and little else – won’t be going to jail for that time she drove around blasted on pot and booze.

According to reports, Mischa Barton decided to enter a no contest plea to her DUI charges, which means her only punishment will be three years probation, three months of alcohol education classes and a small monetary fine.

On reflection, this is probably the best result that Mischa Barton could have hoped for. By avoiding jail, Mischa has freed up a large block of time that she’s already sworn to spend furthering the advancement of shoddy direct-to-DVD bargain bin movies that no normal person would ever dream of watching. And the world thanks her for that.

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Richie Sambora Busted For Glug-Glug Vroom-Vroom No Daddy No

by Stuart Heritage

As a member of Bon Jovi, Richie Sambora’s life is mainly about pedal-to-the-metal rock and roll rebellion. And dodgy haircuts.

But anyway, back to the rebellion. Time was that to be a rebel you only had to get drunk and drive around in your car for a while. But now that everyone from Paris Hilton to most of the stars of Lost have done that, the bar had to be raised. Which is why Richie Sambora apparently got drunk and drove around with his own 10-year-old daughter in the car with him.

And now Richie Sambora might be hit with child endangerment charges for it. How many times, Richie? You should only get drunk and endanger the lives of your passengers when your passengers are the other members of Bon Jovi, not kids. That’s just stupid, although the Bon Jovi thing really should be actively encouraged.

As a member of Bon Jovi, Richie Sambora's life is mainly about pedal-to-the-metal rock and roll rebellion. And dodgy haircuts. But anyway, back to the rebellion. Time was that to be a rebel you only had to get drunk and drive around in your car for a while. But now that everyone from Paris Hilton to most of the stars of Lost have done that, the bar had to be raised. Which is why Richie Sambora apparently got drunk and drove around with his own 10-year-old daughter in the car with him. And now Richie Sambora might be hit with child endangerment charges for it. How many times, Richie? You should only get drunk and endanger the lives of your passengers when your passengers are the other members of Bon Jovi, not kids. That's just stupid, although the Bon Jovi thing really should be actively encouraged.
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Barron Hilton Charged With Being A Booze-Soaked Twit

by Stuart Heritage

Barron Hilton hasn’t got a lot going for him – not only does he have the spazzy hair and pudgy face of a rejected Just William character, but he’s also staring down the barrel of a vicious DUI charge.

Following his arrest last month, Paris Hilton’s 18-year-old brother has been formally charged with DUI by the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department and faces arraignment in April.

It just goes to show how quickly Barron Hilton is becoming his sister. Now that they’ve both been charged with DUI, Barron only has to be in a shitty reality TV show and wank a bloke off on the internet until he ends up with jizz all over his tits and Barron will have caught up with Paris Hilton completely.

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