You know what that means? That Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony care about Barack Obama enough to perform in Washington on the night of his inauguration? No way! It means that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are deliberately showing the world a sincere display of their love for one another to fight claims that they’ll get divorced on Valentine’s day.

So, OK, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony won’t get divorced on Valentine’s day. May bank holiday it is, then. Set your watches, kids.

If there’s one lesson that we choose to live our lives by, it’s this: never, ever underestimate Jennifer Lopez’s ability to make it all about herself. It’s a lesson that’s served us well so far in life, and it’s the sole reason why we didn’t fall backwards off our chair gagging and spluttering and clawing at our face last night.

Because last night Jennifer Lopez outdid herself. Last night, Jennifer Lopez managed to make the inauguration of the first black president in the history of America all about her. And that takes some doing – believe us, we tried.

You see, while the rest of the celebrity world celebrated the inauguration of Barack Obama by either promising to not be a shit mum on his behalf or – in the case of Aretha Franklin – wearing a silly hat and singing a bunch of free-associated words to the tune of God Save The Queen, Jennifer Lopez decided to show the world that she probably wasn’t going to get divorced from her husband Marc Anthony as quickly as everyone thought.

There’s been a lot of speculation that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are going to get divorced in a little over three weeks – speculation substantiated by Jennifer’s appearance at the Golden Globes last week, where she dressed in little more than a a sparkly hanky and didn’t have her wedding ring on. And that’s why, with the entire world watching, Jennifer Lopez last night decided to set the record straight by singing a loving duet with Marc Anthony at an inauguration ball. People reports:

The crooner completed his inaugural performance by bringing “my wife,” Jennifer Lopez, on to the stage with him, for a duet… Earlier in the evening, Anthony had said, “I wrote this next song about Jennifer. I must have been psychic.” The song was his decade-old “You Sang to Me.” The couple ended their duet with a kiss. “Man, she’s cute,” Anthony said after Lopez exited the stage.

There’s nothing about this story that isn’t completely adorable. The slightly-too-long-for-the-sake-of-photographers kiss, the hamfisted verbal reassurance that Marc Anthony still finds Jennifer Lopez attractive, the way he dedicated You Sang To Me to her, the way he also dedicated the follow-up song I’m Keeping The TV You Dreadful Bitch. All of it, adorable from beginning to end.

And, we have to admit, it worked. We no longer believe that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are getting divorced. Well, we do, but but we promise to look surprised when it happens. We think that’s what they want, anyway.

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And, from what we’ve heard, the new Coldplay album is a lot like the old Coldplay album – it’s all inoffensively big-sounding and the lyrics don’t make much sense and it’ll work decently enough as a soundtrack to those bi-monthly trips to Habitat with the kids. But one thing it isn’t is sexy.

Never fear, though, because Coldplay have already found a solution – they’ve apparently recorded a duet with Kylie. It would have been on their new album, too, except that Chris Martin says it’s “just too sexy”. Hecklerspray accepts no liability for the almost-guaranteed permanent loss of libido caused by reading that last sentence.

It’s great that Coldplay are back, isn’t it? Really, we’re not joking – if there’s one thing we enjoy it’s the sight of a band cartwheeling around on an iTunes advert in silhouette, so we don’t have to look at their shameful apologetic faces during it.

And make no mistake, Coldplay are back. Their new album Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends comes out on June 12; the band’s next step in their interminable ‘write album/ claim album is best album ever/ release album/ disown album/ write album’ recording cycle. The first single from the album was downloaded by two million mostly underwhelmed people, so everything’s in place for it to be tediously ubiquitous once it comes out.

And Coldplay aren’t taking any chances with this one, either – as well as free downloads and iTunes adverts and vinyl singles glued to magazines, the band wants to make sure that Viva La Vida doesn’t cause any adverse reactions – like making people involuntarily vomit and cry and deliberately shun all forms of human intimacy for the rest of their lives. And that’s why a duet that Coldplay recorded with Kylie won’t be appearing on the album.

Yes, Coldplay recorded a duet with Kylie. Apparently, it’s ‘too sexy’. We’re scared too. The Mirror reports:

Chris Martin has revealed Coldplay’s collaboration with Kylie will be released next year because it was too sexy to include on their new album. When he was asked why it didnt make it on to latest record Viva La Vida, he said: “Well, its just too sexy. At this point, we cannot be that sexy, also we haven’t quite finished it. It’s a song called Lunar and Kylie is particularly brilliant on it.”

Mmm, sexy. A scrawny-looking vegetarian who names his children after fruit and mad-eyed biblical figures singing a saucy song with a 40-year-old midget whose face increasingly resembles the Scream mask with a prolapsed eyebrow.

Thank God Coldplay didn’t release it – just think of all the spontaneous municipal orgies that’d happen every time it got played on the radio. Really, their concern for public hygiene is second to none.

Don’t get too comfortable, though, because Chris Martin is adamant the Kylie collaboration will be released on a record planned for the future. That record – Coldplay Sings The Songs That’ll Make You Sit In The Corner Of A Room In The Dark Trying To Claw The Repulsion From Your Skin With Your Fingernails – is due out next year, by the way.

Specifically Amy Winehouse can move onto Pete Doherty – who’s a little bit violent, recovering from drug addiction and an ex-convict. Her parents must be so thrilled.

But don’t worry about a sexual union between Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty, even though any offspring they’d have would probably look quite a lot like the mangled insect/Labrador thing from The Fly 2. Instead, Pete Doherty has expressed his desire to release a duet with Amy Winehouse. Which is worse, obviously, because at least they could lock their deformed babies in an attic or something.

Listen, let’s not kid ourselves – this was always going to happen. When Amy Winehouse got married, who did she pick as a husband? A man who couldn’t look more like a pre-cake Pete Doherty if he’d starred in a grotty Saw-style version of I Want A Famous Face, that’s who.

And don’t forget that Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty share a common interest, too – amateur falconry. Oh, and taking all the drugs and being caught by newspapers taking drugs and being really hopeless at going to rehab to get off drugs. But mainly amateur falconry.

So when Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty started hanging out, it was always going to result in either sex or a duet. Sex is out for several reasons, including a) Pete probably still has a lot of Bromide knocking around in his system from his recent prison sentence, b) Amy Winehouse has probably already done it with one of Babyshambles and if you ever sleep with more than one of Babyshambles you directly open a portal to hell, and c) ugh – who’d find Pete Doherty or Amy Winehouse even remotely sexy?

So a duet it is. And Pete Doherty seems serious about it, as Now reports:

Pete Doherty has revealed that he’s working on a new track with Amy Winehouse. Amy, 24, began writing with Pete’s Babyshambles bandmate Mick Whitnall, 39, while he was behind bars. ‘Mick and Amy have a great relationship,’ Pete, 29, tells the Daily Star. ‘They have been working on material while I was in prison. When I came out I went straight to the recording studio. I just want to get music going. I have always wanted to do a single with Amy. She is just so talented.’

You know what, why stop there? Although a duet between a man who sings like a tramp crying into a dustbin and a woman who isn’t even capable of singing a James Bond theme-tune over several recording sessions sounds like just the thing to kickstart the ailing music industry back into life, what about all the other drug addict singers?

That’s why we propose that Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse team up with other famous drug-aquainted stars like Courtney Love, George Michael, Whitney Houston, Moonboy from Keane and Kerry Katona to record a We Are The World-style charity megahit, entitled something like but not necessarily Do They Know It’s Christmas (We Don’t Because We’re Lying Face Down In A Puddle Of Our Combined Vomit And/Or Fecal Matter).

Read more:

Pete Doherty: I’m working on a duet with Amy Winehouse – Now

However, a spokesman for Winehouse has said that this isn’t the case and that the real reason is to do with a clash of interests regarding the development of the song, of which Amy had “other ideas”.

Is Amy telling the truth, or is it Mark? Who knows? As far as that argument goes, it’s probably best to live and let die.

It’s a terrible shame for all things Bond as, when it comes to musical collaborations, nobody does it better than Winehouse and Ronson.

Fortunately though, unlike the prospect of this dream Bond-duet, tomorrow never dies and, as they are young and have all the time in the world to recover, Ronson has stated that he hopes they’ll have the chance to die another day, having another go with the Bond theme next time around.

It’s a brave statement that goes to show that they aint no octopussies.

Oh dear.

Ronson told Sky News:

We did work on it but we never finished it, so that’s about it. We tried to work for a little bit. I’m not sure she’s ready to work on music yet.

And Amy’s spokesman responded:

She has always made her own decisions about her music. Needless to say, this is part of the process between artist and producer and we’re sure they will continue to make great music together.

And so, as the moonraker of Amy’s mind gently drifts her from one traumatic experience to the next; from scaring the living daylights out of her dad to the point where he wants her locked up, to her wanting her own husband to remain locked up, from her husband wanting a divorce, to her being cautioned for nutting some good Samaritan on the street, it seems that the world is more than enough for Amy.

Read More – Winehouse is not ready for music – Sky News

Because now that the writers won't be picketing, we'll all be free to witness the arse-numbing, life-sapping 52-hour marathon of back-slapping, lecturing and ill-thought-out musical collaborations that the Grammys have all but copyrighted.

And one of those ill-thought-out musical collaborations will be a frankly terrifying-sounding duet between Beyonce and Tina Turner. Hold us.

The writers' strike has made a mockery of many of the things we love – like 24 and The Daily Show. It has also made a mockery of many of the things we don't particularly care about but are contractually obliged to professionally follow – like the Golden Globes and potentially the Oscars.

So it stands to reason that the writers' strike should also make a mockery of stuff we honestly can't bloody stand, like the Grammys. But nooo, apparently the Grammys are going to get off scot-free. Brilliant.

The Grammys are terrible for so many different reasons – but mostly because of the way they routinely throw random groups of musicians together to create 'happenings' that are generally as sonically appealing as listening to a distressed newborn baby jamming a vinegar-soaked javelin through a kitten's eye again and again.

Like the Sly And The Family Stone reunion at the 2006 Grammys where Steven Tyler was so busy like an idiot that nobody noticed that Sly Stone was making his first public appearance for 19 years in the background. Or the 2005 all-star rendition of Across The Universe that was so bad that it was basically a direct insult to the people of Sri Lanka.

And this year, to try and reach those insanely high peaks of dreadful taste, the Grammys will feature a duet between Beyonce and Tina Turner. People reports:

Beyonce Knowles will join forces with the legendary Tina Turner for a performance at the Feb. 10 Grammy Awards, a source close to the show confirms to PEOPLE. News of the A-list duet comes just one day after the Writers Guild of America announced it will not picket the awards show – clearing the way for stars to attend the Los Angeles ceremony. 

Perfect, a Beyonce/ Tina Turner duet is just what we've been waiting for – given the age difference and Beyonce's fondness for ripping off every single thing that Tina Turner did, chances are the performance is going to end up looking like one of those before and after posters for crystal meth addiction.

But maybe we're wrong. Maybe Beyonce and Tina Turner will pull something truly memorable out of the bag – like if Beyonce continues her trend of badly injuring herself onstage by falling off a 30-foot balcony onto her chin while Tina Turner suffers an attack of stagefright from being semi-retired for close to a decade and hallucinates that Ike Turner's ghost is chasing after her with a slice of cake until she wets herself and shorts out all the electricity to the venue. 

Alternatively Beyonce could just wail like a panicking tightrope-walker while Tina Turner sings Steamy Windows just like she did with Purple Rain when she duetted with Prince at the 2004 Grammys. We can't possibly imagine which one it'll be.

Read more:

Beyoncé & Tina Turner Will Duet at the Grammys - People