After getting in trouble with her mental dad, God, drugs, the law and a jewellers, Lindsay Lohan has been doing her darnedest to get back into everyone’s good books. Then she nearly ran someone over in her Porsche.
At some point in all this, she thought she’d have a crack at comedy, appearing on Saturday Night Live. However, she got a royal kicking there, which surely left her weighing up a drink and drugs binge. Why bother getting good if you’re just going to get slapped around?
Well, in what could potentially be Last Chance Saloon for LiLo, she’s going to try and put her SNL fiasco behind her and appear on Glee. As herself. Does that mean shagging pornstars and crying onto an ankle tag? God we hope so.
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Oh, Dennis Rodman – the Easter Island statue of the NBA and various reality TV shows. He’s not doing so well these days. In fact, he’s broke. He’s more broke than hecklerspray. People want dollars and pounds from Rodman because he had sex without a condom on.
Yep, Dennis is being asked to pay more than $800,000 in child support and he can’t afford to pay it.
Dennis’ ex-wife Michelle Rodman filed new papers this month, claiming The Worm owes $808,935 in unpaid child support for his 9- and 10-year-old children, with an additional $51,441 in unpaid spousal support. Alas, he’s a sad old drunk.
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Lindsay Lohan’s father, Michael, looks like a massive lunatic from where we’re sat. And we’re in no position to judge. That’s how wretchedly awful he seems. And he’s saying that LiLo should forget the judge, because it’s God who will want to kick her ass.
Michael wants to make sure she’s made things right with God, or else!
Of course, the neat thing here is that God doesn’t exist, meaning that Lindsay can sin and sin and sin, which is great for plebs like us who like to write about her and suppress our sexual feelings toward her.
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Lindsay Lohan is once again gracing our pages, this time, apparently having it off with a porn star. And the best thing about it is that she is supposed to have taken wang while her father slept in a room upstairs.
And the man who claims he put the tip into LiLo is someone we’ve covered before on these pages.
Do you remember Alex Torres, who goes by the screen name Voodoo? Well, he’s the bloke who made a skydiving bongo flick. That’s right. Its the guy who grimaced unconvincingly into a woman while hurtling through the sky. He’s ‘done’ Lohan as well. Possibly for money.
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Pitbull’s fame, like David Guetta’s, is absolutely mystifying. They’ve featured on every single record made in the past three years and continued to be powerful movers-and-shakers, despite an obvious absence of talent or charisma. There can be only one logical explanation for their influence.
They clearly own TMZ and have so much dirt on the celebrity world that anyone who refuses their collaborations will be met with the most scurrilous rumours in print and leaked nude photographs.
One person who is about to be ruined is Lindsay Lohan who has decided to take Pitbull on, quite possibly, in a court of law.
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Jewel thief. Drunk. Druggie. Violent. Broken. Ankle tagged. Rehabber. Corpse worker. Oh, and actress. Lindsay Lohan has had a colourful life hasn’t she? Then, she looked like she was going to straighten-up and go all Christian.
Then she remembered who she was.
And so, after drinking and getting her boobs out in Playboy, LiLo is back in the game, this time, running over someone in her car and fleeing the scene! Hurray! HURRAY! Bloodshed and tears! That’s what we want!
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Paul Weller, king of the plastic mods, has confessed that he’s an alcoholic. This is only fair really because, frankly, he’s responsible for some of the worst music ever cut to wax. And that haircut? Jesus H. Christ.
Of course, Weller isn’t being sensitive about it all. In fact, he’s showing off about it. Basically, he’s crowing about how much he could drink and, furthermore, he’s acting all hard and saying that he doesn’t need professional help with it all.
He’s probably going to wank it out whilst looking at pictures of himself, or something.
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Lindsay Lohan isn’t as much fun as she used to be. Remember when she was constantly full of drink and drugs, having sex with everyone, stealing jewels and getting accused of assault and battery? Those were good days.
Sadly, she seems to have straightened herself out… BUT WAIT!
See, LiLo has been doing her community service, hauling her speckled self around a morgue! Ostensibly, Judge Stephanie Sautner wants her to fix herself by warping her mind with dead bodies. Get the feeling that we’ll be seeing good ol’ Insane Lohan again in the future?
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