This is shocking news, so brace yourself – there’s a chance that Amy Winehouse’s dad hasn’t been wildly sensational about his daughter’s health for once.

Remember in July, when Amy Winehouse was rushed to hospital, with Mitch Winehouse telling everyone that she’d just had a bad reaction to medicine? Apparently that’s not the case at all. Apparently Amy Winehouse overdosed on drugs again, started convulsing and might have suffered permanent brain damage.

Although the brain damage hasn’t been fully diagnosed yet, there are a number of signs to look out for including a glazed expression, spontaneous muscle spasms, chronic slurring and bewildering hairstyle choices. Holy crap, do you know what this means? Bruce Forsyth has damaged his brain on drugs!

He hasn’t. He really hasn’t. At all. Sorry.

Mitch Winehouse has become a household name lately, and that’s because whenever Amy Winehouse coughs, Mitch Winehouse rushes off to the press to tell the world that drugs have given her emphysema or scabies or hantavirus or CJD or an allergy to peanuts, even though they probably haven’t.

But it seems like that might not have been the case in July, when Amy Winehouse was rushed to hospital with what was claimed to be a bad reaction to medicine. According to one of Amy Winehouse’s friends, she went to hospital because she had another one of her drug overdoses – this time on cannabis instead of heroin, cocaine, Ecstasy, ketamine and booze – and it actually broke her flipping mind. A friend of Amy’s told The Sun:

“The future is bleak, bleak, bleak… She had smoked an inhuman amount of hash which resulted in acute cannabis poisoning. You have to take a shitload of pot to suffer that severe a reaction. Amy’s fits were as bad as the convulsions she had during her overdose in August last year. She is in need of years of psychiatry and medical treatment if she has a hope.”

Like we said, shocking stuff. And definitely true, too – one of Amy Winehouse’s friends told it to The Sun. And if you can’t trust the word of someone who leeches off a millionaire singer and then goes blabbing to a red-top tabloid newspaper, then who can you trust?

Is this rock bottom for Amy Winehouse? Don’t be daft – she hasn’t got where she is today by listening to stupid things like well-established medical advice, has she? Admittedly where she is today is dangerously ill-looking, appearing to be constantly on the verge of a fatal drug overdose and staring down the barrel of a lifetime of brain damage, but who are we to point that out?

And it does seem to us like Amy Winehouse might have a little bit of brain damage already – she appears to have stopped pining for her jailed husband in public recently, and that’s a bit mental.

Because he’s just so sexy, isn’t he?

Girls?

Anyone?

You read that right – Amy Winehouse wants to solve your problems on the radio.

Even we don’t have to go in to much detail about the potential arse-up that this could bring to the innocent people of London. Granted, there are a few cockney people like the So Solid Crew and Danny Dyer who we’d like to exterminate but that’s another kettle of onions.

We have our own plans for those individuals and don’t want Amy Winehouse to jump in and spoil our fun.

Unless you only read The Financial Times and have only stumbled upon hecklerspray through mistyping something in to Google, you won’t know who Amy Winehouse is.

In a nutshell, she’s a girl with tattoos who sings songs by other people, has her Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake locked up in prison and occasionally dabbles in drugs. Actually, the term “hunting down every dealer in London to eat up their stash of pills and powders quicker then a bear hunts down salmon” comes to mind.

So how is she getting this potential gig? Let us explain.

During the billion previous times that Amy falls over and starts dribbling up pink liquid with chunks all over herself, it’s up to her father Mitch to tell the media all about it. Was it heroin, lighter fuel, crack or some twat spiking her with ecstasy that caused this latest set back or trip to the hospital?

Whatever the case, you can rely on him – kind of like the world’s worst superhero, to deliver the news.

Obviously not immune to publicity thanks to all the speeches he’s had to give on his moronic daughter’s health, he has been offered a co-host job on BBC Radio London whilst another professional twat Danny Baker buggers off for a caravan holiday.

Frankly, we weren’t amazed to learn that he was offered the job after being a guest so many times on the show. There are other reasons, which were probably that he was a) a cheap replacement, b) someone to give live updates on Amy’s health and most likely, c) a fill in while the producers go about exploiting Barry George for airtime.

Despite being literally told to bugger off from recording studios, taking drugs or touring Amy couldn’t contain her excitement about being in our faces again. A source told Heat:

“Amy has always been nifty with the advice. Although she often gets herself into pickles, she is very honest, very caring and very perceptive when it comes to dealing with other people’s problems.”

Erm…if she’s that good then we’d like to ask a few questions on her current well-being. It’s not exactly what we’d call peachy. Skeletor-like figures and the inability to walk straight isn’t exactly the look we want to see in an agony aunt-authority.

But could you imagine the sort of advice you’d get on one of her radio spots?

Caller – “Hi, I have this small pain in my arm – what should I do about it?”

Amy – “First I’d ring Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake. If he didn’t answer I’d neck a bottle of painkillers to numb the pain. If that didn’t work, I’d down about half a bottle of vodka and see the GP in the morning.”

Nothing about Amy Winehouse causes us to bat an eyelid anymore. Like an old, crippled drunk in a pub we can say “we’ve heard all the tales.” When she releases a make believe autobiography telling her story of sharing an underground prison with an elf and a talking jar of strawberry jam caused from a drug hallucination – then we’ll get curious.

To be fair, anyone can get on the radio and offer advice to messed up kids and confused adults. Kelly Osbourne manages to scrape through the Sunday Surgery on Radio One most weeks. And she used to be addicted to drugs and booze too, so with Amy on the radio, she wouldn’t really be the first.

At the moment, drug stories are a bit boring. Well apart from the one Heath Ledger and Mary-Kate Olsen.

There’s a Barenaked Ladies song that goes “If I had $1,000,000/ I’d blow it all on coke/ and maybe a couple of hookers.”

Actually that might not be true – we don’t like Barenaked Ladies nearly enough to listen to one of their terrible songs – but they do have a song called If I Had $1,000,000 and, since the band’s singer Steven Page was arrested for cocaine possession this week, that scenario would probably make the most sense.

Or maybe it wouldn’t, because Barenaked Ladies have posted a message on their website saying that Steven Page will fight his charges to the ends of the Earth. Or until he’s convicted, sent to jail and used as a violent masturbatory tool by the entire prison population as a twisted revenge for his song about Chickedy China The Chinese Chicken. Whichever one happens first, basically.

When it was first announced that Steven Page from Barenaked Ladies had been arrested for cocaine possession, we were a little perplexed. Usually drug-taking in the world of music is synonymous with acid-fried 20-minute psyche-rock freak-jams, not twee little acoustic ditties about relationships that only girls and weirdos like.

But then it all started to become clearer. If you were in Barenaked Ladies, you’d want to be wrecked off your shit on drugs all the time just to numb the pain of your day job, wouldn’t you?

In this respect, Steven Page is lucky that he was only arrested for cocaine possession – most men in his position would be ramming industrial quantities of rhino tranquiliser up their arses 24/7 just to forget that they were responsible for that dreadful One Week song.

But that’s assuming that Steven Page is guilty of cocaine possession, which we shouldn’t do because Steven Page says he is absolutely innocent of everything. According to a statement left on the Barenaked Ladies website:

“Many of you have probably read or heard press accounts about Steven Page’s recent arrest in New York state. Steven has pleaded not guilty to the charges against him and the validity of the charges against Steven will be strongly contested. While this is happening, it’s business as usual for Barenaked Ladies. We will continue to perform and look forward to heading into the studio later this year to record a new album.”

What? Business as usual? Jesus Christ – what needs to happen to get Barenaked Ladies to split up? Alcoholism? Bestiality? Dead prostitutes turning up in their sheds? Just tell us, for the love of god, and we’ll try our hardest to make it happen.

Anyway, at least now that Steven Page has declared his innocence over his arrest, Barenaked Ladies won’t have to worry about people not buying their new kid’s album Snack Time because they’re morally outraged. If they don’t buy it, it’s because it’s really quite rubbish and a waste of their precious wages. Business as usual, then.

We always thought that Barenaked Ladies’ 1998 hit One Week could only come from a diseased, drug-ravaged mind.

And now we might have been proved correct. Steven Page, the guitarist and singer of twee, humourlessly chirpy Canadian folk-rock one-too-many hit wonders Barenaked Ladies has been arrested on suspicion of cocaine possession.

That’s right, kids, it looks like Barenaked Ladies are on drugs. Steven Page’s arrest has put us in a thoroughly bad mood – we can’t believe our heroes of the awful late-1990s acoustic radio pop scene are involved in drugs. Oh, say it hasn’t spread! Promise us that Sugar Ray are still clean! Look us in the eye and swear that Lyte Funky Ones don’t chase the dragon!

We’d imagine – because we’re assuming that their fans are idiots – that Barenaked Ladies are often quizzed about their 1998 song One Week. Quizzed on things like: “When you sang ‘Chickity China the Chinese chicken/ You have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin’/ Watchin’ X-Files with no lights on/ We’re dans la maison’, what inspired that?”

Turns out the answer was probably a bloody great pile of cocaine.

In what could go down in history as one of the least likely drug arrests in history, Steven Page – the one from Barenaked Ladies who looks like Russell T Davies‘ primary school photo, the one from Barenaked Ladies who looks like he’d start crying if you got too close to his collection of magic cards – has been busted on suspicion of cocaine possession. Newsday reports:

The 38-year-old was visiting Christine Benedicto at her Fayetteville apartment and the two got into an argument. Police found Benedicto’s car parked on the sidewalk outside the home and went to investigate. They found Page and another woman at the kitchen table with cocaine. Page, Benedicto and the third woman all face drug charges.

According to the manager of Barenaked Ladies, Steven Page has been charged with his crime and must return to court tomorrow.

We’re worried for Steven Page, we really are – he carried Barenaked Ladies through that one song of theirs that anyone can remember from a decade ago, he really sodding did.

If he goes to jail for this the band could split up under the pressure, even though most people already probably assumed that they’d split up some time ago. What would we do then, apart from continue with our lives in exactly the same way as we did before while quickly forgetting that the band ever even existed? Huh?

Hopefully Steven Page will get help for his apparent drug problem, because it’s a slippery slope. First you think you can control it, then the next thing you know you’re babbling nonsensical, self-indulgent words to nobody in particular and… oh bugger, we’re a decade late with this advice, aren’t we?

Do you enjoy watching pre-fame celebrities ramble on about endlessly about themselves in infuriatingly faux-deep ways?

You do? Well then, you’ll love the Angelina Jolie drug video. Filmed when she was just 23, the just-leaked Angelina Jolie drug video shows Angelina sitting in a drug den carping on about all kinds of permissive hippy nonsense for over seven painfully dull minutes while sitting next to a woman who’s blithely smoking some heroin.

You don’t? Then you should probably watch the Angelina Jolie drug video anyway, because it has a man in it who keeps mumbling the phrase ‘nipple clamps’ over and over again in the mistaken belief that he’s contributing to the conversation. Ah, nipple clamps. You can make everything funny.

Look at Angelina Jolie now and you see a serene humanitarian so concerned with the fate of the human race that she’s currently trying to adopt all of it so she can shelter us all from evil under the cover of her massive womb. But a few years ago it was a completely different story.

Before she decided to spend her life adopting children and living with Brad Pitt and only making depressing unpopular films, Angelina Jolie was quite the wild child. She was married to Billy Bob Thornton and carried a vial of his blood around with her, she was probably a bit of a lesbian and, by her own admission, she was quite often shitfaced on drugs.

And although that period of Angelina Jolie’s life is far behind her, it hasn’t stopped an old video of Angelina hanging out at a drug den among people openly smoking heroin from emerging.

Apparently filmed in New York’s Chelsea Hotel in 1999, the video shows Angelina Jolie sitting around rubbing her teeth a lot and yammering on about how much she likes rough sex and killing animals and being a crazy bohemian rich girl rebel who thinks she’s about 400 times more profound than she actually is because in reality if she was being any duller then people would literally start trying to beat themselves into a heavy concussion just to stop the incessant Chinese water torture that is her monotone voice bleating on about herself like she’s the centre of the titting universe.

It’s unknown whether this is a santised version of the rumoured video from the same period of time that shows Angelina Jolie actually taking heroin and then commenting on its quality, but if it is then at least all that’s been edited out so we don’t have to watch it for any longer than we absolutely have to. The Sun reports:

At times her eyelids are so heavy she can barely keep them open. She is also seen with dishevelled hair as she rubs her teeth… She says of taking part in sex games where someone is tied down or hurt: “It’s just a cool thing.” She tells how her mouse met a tragic fate after she dyed it blue – and how a hamster and lizards also died. Angelina continues: “My snake I had – I tried killing him.” She recalls how at 12 she was “a bad girl – beating up my friends.”

The Angelina Jolie drug video is a bittersweet affair – on one hand it’s a stark reminder of how dull people get on drugs, unless they just start earnestly repeating the phrase ‘nipple clamps’ again and again as if it’s proving an important point, and on the other it shows just how far Angelina Jolie has come.

And if Angelina Jolie can go from grubby self-obsessed drug lady to UN-sanctioned humanitarian in just a few short years, it means that one day we might see Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty bravely discussing a child’s right to education in the middle of an African minefield.

God, that’s a depressing thought. Quick, someone start talking about nipple clamps.

Read more:

From heroin to heroine - The Sun (With Video)

Peaches Geldof has been filmed handing over money to a pair of notorious drug dealers and is to be investigated by the police.

Nineteen-year-old Peaches was secretly filmed offering Jonny Blagrove and Cara Burton £140 in return for some unspecified goods.

Then Blagrove, ‘dealer to the stars’, tells Peaches what she wants will actually cost her £190.

The extra £50 quid doesn’t deter Peaches, she is after all the daughter of modern day Jesus, Bob Geldof, and it’s good to see the royalties from I don’t like Mondays aren’t going to waste.

Peaches is then reportedly recorded saying:

I’m going to need Valium tomorrow after this.

It is because of this statement that police strongly suspect something drug related has happened here, as Valium is often used as a comedown by professional users. But, until the investigation is carried out, who’s to say Peaches wasn’t buying £190 worth of Red Bull? We just don’t know.

Maybe she was buying an X-Box 360 with GTA IV off them? The excitement of getting her hands on that could require a good dosage of Valium to help her get to sleep at night, in order to get up early, refreshed for another day doing whatever it is that she does.

The secretly filmed footage was found on a memory stick that was seized by police from Jonny Blagrove and Cara Burton, as part of an investigation into what they suspect is a celebrity drugs empire run by the couple.

A police source told the News Of The World:

She will be interviewed some time this week and asked to explain what is happening in the video and why she is handing money over to the couple. It is all part of a large investigation into alleged drugs dealing.

And, on that very same stick, there is also the footage of Amy Winehouse allegedly smoking crack at a house party last January. One hell of a part going on in that pen-drive.

All the footage had been deleted from the memory stick but police, using special secret police techniques, managed to recover the lost data, which is vaguely terrifying.

Let’s just hope girlfriends don’t figure it out anytime soon, or else it’s time for an acid bath.

It has also been suggested that the filming was carried out by the alleged drug-pushing couple, perhaps in an effort to blackmail Peaches.

If it is found that Peaches did indeed purchase illegal substances, she could face a jail term but, as she’s a white, female, middle-class, first time offender and the daughter of Christ, we can safely assume a slap on the wrist will suffice.

Read More – Peaches Geldof To Be Questioned Over Drugs Footage – EntertainmentWise

Dennis Quaid's newborn baby twins are lucky to be alive – it wasn't so long ago that they were being injected with doses of blood-thinner 1,000 times larger than normal.

But although his new son and daughter survived the giant Heparin overdose – and are thought to be recovering well – Dennis Quaid is still thirsty for revenge. That's why Dennis Quaid and his wife Kimberly Buffington are suing Baxter Healthcare Corp, which manufactures Heparin, for £50,000 in a product liability lawsuit. It shows just how angry Dennis Quaid must be to pursue Baxter through legal paths, because in the past he's resolved any outstanding medical difficulties by shrinking himself down to a sub-atomic level and injecting himself up Martin Short's arse.

There are basically two things that parents never want to hear. One is "This is my new boyfriend. His name is Joshua but everyone calls him Devil Puke," and the other is "Sorry, we appear to have accidentally given your newborn baby twins 1,000 times more of this anti-coagulant drug than we were supposed to. Whoops."

And although Dennis Quaid still has the first one to look forward to, he knows the stomach-dropping fear of the second only too well. Last month the lives of Dennis Quaid's baby twins were put in jeopardy when hospital workers at the Los Angeles Cedars-Sinai Medical Centre inadvertently injected them with 10,000 units of blood-thinning drug Heparin instead of the usual 10.

Fortunately Dennis Quaid's twins have recovered well from the almighty, near-fatal cock-up, but that doesn't mean that Dennis Quaid is going to forgive and forget. No, Dennis Quaid wants revenge, just like in that film of his, Jaws 3-D. But, you know, he wants it by suing a pharmaceutical company instead of exploding a big shark's mum with a hand grenade. For once.

So, long story short, Dennis Quaid has taken out a lawsuit against Baxter Healthcare Corp because he claims that different volumes of Heparin should be labelled more visibly, and the fact that they aren't is grounds for a product liability suit on the basis that he wants no other children to go through the same thing.

However, Baxter is claiming that the babies were only overdosed in the first place because hospital workers can't read numbers very well. Baxter spokeswoman Deborah Spak says:

"This is not a product issue. The issue here is about improper use of a product. While we strive to clearly differentiate our products and dosages, no amount of differentiation will replace the value of clinicians carefully reviewing and reading a drug name and dose before dispensing and administering it."

While it's not our place to speculate on legal matters that we clearly know nothing about – for once – the main thing is that Dennis Quaid's twins are OK. And the other main thing is that all of their future medical ailments will be cured by injecting a miniature Dennis Quaid into their arses and letting him fly around their guts getting slightly drunk, singing Sam Cooke songs and occasionally battling miniature evil nonspecific Europeans in a fight to the death above some stomach acid.

Read more:

Dennis Quaid And Wife Sue Drug Maker – Associated Press