Every six months, like clockwork, an event happens that assures us of the revolution of the earth and the cosmic alignment of the stars bringing summer and winter ever closer. We are referring- of course- to the biannual split of F1 moaner Lewis Hamilton and surprisingly talented ex-Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger.

Yes, as sure as the sun sets in the West, the couple have now moved to end their relationship after 4 years together with Lewis reported to be so upset that he actually considered calling his father before realising he was Paul Di Resta’s dad now, not his.

The split has been blamed on the pair struggling to spend time together due to their hectic work schedules but you’re not really interested in that, are you? You want some completely unfounded muck-raking. Don’t you?

You make us sick.

A source, invented by Now Magazine to pad out their story and recycled by us for exactly the same reason, said;

‘They’ve spoken at length about it but agreed there’s no point as they never see each other… They spend their whole time on opposite sides of the world.’

Irritating, perpetual complainer Hamilton, 26, lives in the Swiss city of Geneva where he spends most of his free time causing avalanches by wailing loudly at the side of a mountain (proving once and for all that no-one has any interest in his opinion on anything), while Scherzinger spends most of her time living a comfortable life in the Hollywood Hills.

Reports from the F1 paddock suggest that Hamilton might have all the time he needs to spend with his estranged lover if he loses his race seat at the end of the year, having spent most of the season flooding the McLaren garage with his petulant, child-like tears.

hecklerspray hopes that the distance excuse is just that and the fact of the matter is that Scherzinger became concerned at the sculpture of Hamilton’s facial hair. The racing driver’s beard has evolved over the years into a phenomenon more closely resembling something drawn by an architecture student with a set-square and an eyeliner pencil.

Despite moving to deny engagement rumours in the summer, their break-up is said to be final. The fictional source went on to say:

‘Although they came to an amicable decision, Nicole is actually devastated about it… She thought Lewis was the one.’

A spokesman for Hamilton declined to comment, but if you listen closely in the dead of night, you’ll be able to hear his despairing wails projected around the world by the Alps.

After failing to whip up a frenzy in Hell’s Kitchen, Lee Ryan – our favourite expletive-uttering former boyband member – has since picked up the pieces and moved on.

Sadly, Lee Ryan hasn’t been over in Asia protecting the elephants from dying. Instead, he’s been busy allegedly slapping taxi drivers around and consequently being charged for it. The singer will appear before magistrates in Redhill on February 29.

We will be there in full support for Lee with a host of banners including 'We Luv U Lee 4ever', 'U R Propa Fit' and 'Kan Aye Ave A Refund Plz?' To any of Lee’s 12-year-old fans, 'Common Assault' means that he hurt someone for no reason.

So presumably all those songs he wailed about love and harmony were a bit of a lie. We await the trial for news on the best bruv in the world. 

Read more:

Former Boy Band Star Charged With Assault – NME