Lindsay Lohan used to be loads of fun. She was always in trouble or having sex with someone. She had set the controls for the heart of self-destruct and we all had ringside seats for an early death. And then she went and spoiled it all by looking after herself.

Git.

And now, after getting her freckled neck hoiked by the police a few too many times, she’s laying off the sauce – the same sauce that is a attributable to so much of her success (in getting column inches at least). While trouble may not have left her, she’s angry that people are saying she’s been getting stuck in to that lovely, lovely booze (the only real replacement for love).

This has all come about after some bozos decided to run a bunch of stories saying that she was absolutely getting hammered at a SAG Awards after party this weekend.

Do these fools not know that, if you make claims like that about someone who can’t enjoy drink or drugs anymore, the thing they’ll replace it with is a will to sue?

And that’s exactly what’s happening. LiLo is threatening to sue the media outlets that published the story in the first place.

A source close to the actress tells TMZ that Lindsay is already exploring her legal options with her attorneys because she feels the false stories are sabotaging her effort to save her career. And her liver.

Of course, she was at the party at the Chateau Marmot hotel in Hollywood Sunday night, but alas, she was sitting with Alan Cummings which makes a difference for some reason. Maybe he dry-heaves at the sight of women drinking pints? Maybe he’s so enchanting that no-one ever drinks in his presence because they can’t tear themselves away from his rapier wit?

WAIT. THERE’S MORE.

Lindsay is also cheesed off that reports suggested that she made-out with Dennis Hopper’s son Henry. Where did this apparently take place? In a petrol station. Lovely stuff.

Sadly, as much as we want that to be true, she’s saying it isn’t.

Aah! Lindsay Lohan is the perfect hecklerspray celebrity. She takes one-step forward, or one step back, and she’s in trouble. It doesn’t matter where she is, or who she’s with – she’s always on the brink of being in some kind of bother.

Now, after a couple of years of jewel thievery, alleged assault, drug and drink problems and hanging around morgues, LiLo is back in trouble! HUZZAH! We should thank our stars she hasn’t found God and become a giganto-bore.

So what’s she done this time? Well, it involves a woman called Nubia Del Carmen Preza, a high performance sports vehicle and a whole lotta anguish. Splendid.

Nubia, who has (thus far) the best name of 2012, is suing Lohan, claiming that she was hit by the actress’ car during an incident in September 2010.

Nubia Del Carmen Preza (sorry, we just love saying her name) alleges she was struck by the Mean Girl’s Maserati while innocently walking through a West Hollywood intersection. Preza’s lawsuit states she has suffered “disabling and serious personal injuries, pain, suffering and anguish” and that she is seeking damages for all her medical expenses and lost time at work.

Alas, Lindsay is refusing to comment on the case. Not that we’ve tried to contact her. We’re assuming other people have.

Of course, this isn’t the only vehicular trouble Lindsay is facing. In what is one of the oddest celebrity lawsuits, some idiot paparazzi photographer called Grigor Baylan is taking legal action against Lohan after he was run over by her car, even though the actress wasn’t even driving it.

Apparently (and this is according to the photographer’s lawyer, Neil Steiner, who is as trustworthy as any other human who decides what’s morally right based completely on payment), Lohan is being targeted because her assistant was at the wheel and operating under her instruction.

It’s great to have you back Lindsay. If you wouldn’t mind getting hooked on really lousy, cheap drugs this year, that’d be perfect.

You have to hand it to Whitney Houston – she’s really great at being a mental famous person. While you have to acknowledge the power of her lungs, we all know damn well that she’s remembered for (alleged) crack cocaine use, throwing tantrums and being in a lousy relationship with Bobby Brown.

Oh, and that bit in the ‘I Will Always Love You‘ video where it looks like she’s taking a dump in the snow as the key-change kicks in.

So which one is she doing now? Well, it involves an aeroplane and a clear will to die.

The last time we heard anything from Whitney, she was being thrown out of a Prince concert by Prince himself after taking a little drink.

This week, she was nearly getting chucked off a plane. Why? Well the reasons are huge. Flying is the most jarring of modes of transport. The constant fear of dropping out of the sky. The irritating children that cry for entire flights. The dreadful food. The lack of leg room. Those bloody flight attendants with their fixed grins and orange legs.

However, Whitters wasn’t angered by any of those things. She was angry at her seat belt.

A source close to the star told E! News:

“She was not drunk or on drugs, she is in the middle of filming a movie and flew across country to attend a charity event and return to filming. She was exhausted.”

WHOA! Who mentioned drink or drugs? The source has done an excellent job of making us assume that Whitney was filled to the eyeballs with booze and narcotics. It’s so obvious! The source said she wasn’t, which makes us all go ‘Uh-huh… right’.

Delta Airlines are now looking further into the situation because they’re hoping that they can meet Whitney or get an autograph or something. Alas, they “cannot comment on passenger or itinerary information.”

To us, it is obvious that she didn’t want to wear her seatbelt because she’s tired of living. She just wants to die in a plane crash like many celebrities before.

It’s not right, but it’s okay.

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Oi! Reprobates! You look like a bunch of degenerates that look like you use booze as a crutch to get you through your despairingly dreadful life!

Chances are, you’re one of those ‘heavy metal sorts’ who bangs your giant, hairy head to deeply unfashionable music without a care in the world. Metallica, Slayer and all those rasping, wailing bands really tickle your pickle, right?

We like you. And we’re going to get you drunk.

So, in honour of the Big 4 (Metallica, Slayer, Anthrax and Megadeth) playing Yankee Stadium next week, Jägermeister have sent us a load of cocktail recipes.

We’re not even accepting freebies or payment for this one. We just think it’s a great idea. Of course, if Jäger’ want to sort us out with some freebies, we won’t say no.

They won’t though.

They’ve already used us for publicity and we’re mugs for not making unreasonable demands first.

Oh well. There’s always hard liquor to get us through our crippling depression.

Here are the heavy metal cocktail recipes, that’s if you’re not too macho to actually spend time making a drink as opposed to guzzling down bottles of Newcastle Brown Ale and smashing them over your head like alcohol is going out of fashion.

Angel of Death – Slayer

1.5oz Old Overholt Rye
1oz Jägermeister
1oz Averna
3 dashes Jerry Thomas Decanter Bitters
Brandied Cherries
Build, stir with ice and garnish with a cherry

Reign in Blood-Slayer

2oz Jägermeister
.75oz Beefeater 24
.5oz Raspberry Simple Syrup
.5oz Iced Tea
Combine all ingredients in a mixing glass. Add Ice and Stir
Strain into a Double Old Fashioned Glass
Lemon Twist for garnish

Bring The Noise-Anthrax

1.5oz Jägermeister
1.5oz Grapefruit Juice
.5oz Don Q anejo rum
.5oz Velvet Falernum
Combine all ingredients with Ice, Shake and strain into a tall glass.

Devil’s Island-Megadeth

1.5oz Don Q Anejo Rum
1oz Jägermeister
.5oz Velvet Falernum
1oz Fresh Oj
1oz Pineapple Juice
2 dashes angostura
Combine all ingredients in a tall glass, swizzle with crushed ice. Add more crushed ice and float with Jägermeister on top. Garnish with a pineapple leaf

Five Magics – Megadeth

1oz Jägermeister
1oz Plymouth Gin
1oz Gekkeikan Plum Sake
.5oz Fresh OJ
Shake all ingredients with ice and strain into a glass with ice.
Top with Ginger Beer and a piece of crystallized ginger

Anarchy in the UK-Megadeth

1.5oz Jägermeister
1.5oz Plymouth Gin
1oz unsweetened iced tea
1 sugar cube
3 lemon slices
Muddle the lemon and sugar, add the iced tea and spirits and add ice. Stir and garnish with a lemon wheel.

Metal Thrashing Mad-Anthrax

1.5oz Jägermeister
.5oz Appleton Estate Reserve
.5oz Domaine de Canton
.5oz Fresh Lime Juice
.5oz Fresh Orange Juice
.5oz Pineapple Juice
.5oz Raspberry Simple Syrup
Dry Shake and pour over crushed ice in a tall glass. Garnish with a mint leaf and float 2 barspoons of Jägermeister over the top.

Armed and Dangerous – Anthrax

1oz Rye
1oz Jägermeister
In an rocks glass, add the spirits, add the ice and top with Cola. Garnish with a lime

Fade to Black – Metallica

In a mixing glass with ice stir the following:
1.5oz of Jägermeister
.5oz of Green Chartreuse
Pour into a shot glass-

Trapped Under Ice-Metallica

1.5oz Plymouth Gin
1oz Jägermeister
Top with Fever Tree Tonic
Lime Wedge

Master of Puppets – Metallica

1oz Rye
1oz Jägermeister
1 tsp Demarara syrup
2 dashes Jerry Thomas Bitters
Lemon Twist
Build, stir with ice, strain into cocktail glass serve with Lemon Twist

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Former husband 0f Courtney Cox and alleged actor David Arquette was thrown out of a Prince concert recently for committing the heinous crime of taking photos of ‘The Artist’ in his true, lizard form.

The singer has a notorious ‘no photography’ rule at his shows designed to protect him from the damage his reputation could take if the wider public was to see him in his true form.

However, Arquette managed to get his silly self into an altercation with security at the singer’s ‘Welcome 2 America’ shows at the Los Angeles Forum when a young boy flouted the singer’s no photography rule. The real pain of Arquette’s story is that this ‘altercation’ came straight after Prince had told the crowd they were allowed to take pictures.

Unfortunately, the snapping of Arquette’s phone set off security’s ‘Automatic Camera Detector’ and they were all over him like a cheap suit within seconds.

Prince still sells out arenas despite no-one truly knowing what he looks like. The mysterious singer is said to be able to hold his human form just long enough to take publicity shots but apparently hitting his stride during ‘Kiss’ renders it almost impossible not to revert back to the form which is natural to him.

Ignoring this obvious fact, David articulately said:

“Prince was like, ‘Alright, I’m about to play my hits, so get out your phones’. I didn’t take anymore pictures but the kid next to me was taking pictures and I still had my phone in my hand.

That’s not all though, folks!

“Security came to take this kid away and they said, ‘You gotta get rid of all those pictures on your phone.’ I said, ‘Prince just said we could take the pictures.’ And so I got kicked out of the Prince show.”

Unfortunately for Mr Arquette the usual response of ‘Don’t you know who I am?’ was greeting with bemused humming and frantic googling before they booted him anyway for having married that annoying tit from that awful sitcom. He was forced, like everyone else who has ever attended a Prince gig, to sign a non-disclosure agreement to ensure that the reptile-faced singer will never be discovered by the American government who would take him away and experiment on him.

Prince was said to be mortified by the news that yet another washed-up celebrity had been removed from his show. In 2006, Dustin Diamond (Screech from Saved by the Bell) was forcibly removed from a Prince show for attempting to ‘tea bag’ the singer from a great height and in 2008 Alfonso Ribeiro tried to revive his popularity as Carlton Banks by doing his famous dance on stage. He was beaten to within an inch of his life by security.

It was brutal.

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The people that count themselves as extreme sportsmen and women are irritating aren’t they? They’ve bought into a lifestyle that gives them instant cool points with young attractive people as they pop-shovit and grind their way around your town with their awful tattoos.

Meanwhile, you stand by, offering absolutely nothing to the world, seething with rage. If only you’d become good at skating instead of table tennis when you were young.

However, with most skaters being scrawny blokes with greasy hair and chipped teeth, you can hoot with derision and point out that, while they may have cool points, they’ll never be as engrossing as young attractive women in hot pants.

See, the thing is, young attractive women in hot pants make everything better. Kylie Minogue’s comeback was assured by a particularly buttock-clenching pair of gold shorts… but can you imagine how much you would have been impressed if she appeared with some rollerboots on, doing somersaults?

Imagine no more!

That’s because skaters Candice and Danielle join Kilian ‘The Spaniard’ Martin in LA’s Venice Beach skatepark in a new spot for Lucozade (mercifully, they’ve stopped using grubby field athletes as their promotional vehicles in favour of something much more glamorous and, dare we say it, ‘Isotonic‘).

And like the incredibly pleasing ‘Gold Dust’ video, which features attractive hot-panted girls doing the Double Dutch, this spot features DJ Fresh’s new track ‘Louder’. With girls in hot pants. Attractive girls. And their legs.

Enjoy while we go for a sit down.

You may well think that Prince is some kind of mental freakshow who lives inside a sock made of gold, eating tinfoil all day while stroking his waxy skin… but he’s nothing compared to the complete train wreck that is Whitney Houston.

That’s right. If you consider that Prince has to live with his weird self every stinking day, you’d imagine he’d have an astonishingly high level of tolerance for people who might be considered to be a little bit… uh… eccentric.

However, so nutso is Whitney that even Prince can’t stand her. Prince is so peeved with Houston that he’s banned her from his shows, taking away all her ticket privileges thanks to too many demands and her weird, weird behaviour.

Apparently, Whitney dragged her sorry ass to several Prince concerts in the last couple of weeks. While there, sources say that our Whitters appeared to be “intoxicated” at each show.

It is worth pointing out, for legal reasons, no-one at these shows saw Whitney throwing drinks down her famous throat like they were going out of fashion, nor indeed, did anyone see her using drugs. Like crack.

However, this does imply that she doesn’t need booze or narcotics to be spectacularly batshit.

One thing we can speculate on (thanks to TMZ chattering about it with some authority) is that Whitney was pleading Prince’s staff to let her get up on the stage to presumably sing or prance around like a soon-to-be euthanised horse. However, the pint sized soulster didn’t want her on his stage because he “didn’t want her to embarrass herself.”

There’s a video of Houston at Prince’s show below where, at times, she looks a bit dead behind the eyes… but that might be something to do with the fact that she’s currently receiving treatment in an out-patient rehab program for her drink and drug problems.

Well done you.

In news which prompted the Metropolitan Police to issue the statement “Thank fuck for that, now he’s someone else’s problem”, George Michael has ‘announced’ a new tour.

Okay, so this isn’t your actual press conference announcement, but he did post something on Twitter that made it sound like he’ll drag his flabby carcass out on a tour.

And to hecklerspray, a Tweet is just about as good as a court-certified affadavit, witnessed by God and the baby Jesus, and guaranteed by powdered unicorn horn and rainbow juice.

So: George Michael is definitely going to do another tour. Yippee!

Here’s the twat’s tweet :

Face it paps, hacks and haters… the album will sell great, the tour will sell out, and the fans remain some of the loyalest in the world.

Now let’s face it: if you were applying for a spiffy job and had to provide a character witness, you probably wouldn’t choose George Michael. Firstly because you’ve never met George Michael, and his inflated sense of self-importance means you never will. But also because he’s a headcharged weedfreak, who can’t seem to go a month at a time without pissing off the Plod and ending up in jail, like he was pretending to be from Liverpool or something.

But this tweet (“…the tour will sell out…”) does seem to hint that George Michael is ready to get back on the circuit. Which is great news for the weedsellers and dopedanglers in Cardiff, Manchester, Newcastle and Edinburgh. Also (assuming his popularity may have somewhat dropped off) those in Aberdeen, Chester, Wolverhampton and Buckton-Upon-Lees Community Centre.

So. Do we believe this chong-bonging music maestro’s angry little tweet or not? Oh, we would love to.

If only so we get to write headlines like “Club Bongicana”, “Careless Waster” and “George Michael Falls Asleep Live On Stage Because He Was Chonged Off His Head On Moroccan Black”.

Happy days.

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Remember when George Michael was a successful singer? Remember those days when he would appear on our televisions and Alba stereo systems to open and close his mouth in a really tuneful way? Remember that?

Now he’s just a filthy criminal. He’s a number, not a human and hanging is too good for him or something. He’s a dirty little drug-rat who tried to kill a photo shop with a stupid name that was completely innocent.

However, despite selling millions of records, George Michael is no different from any other manky convict shitting in a bucket and suppressing the squeals of delight over the shared prison bongo mag. Not different AT ALL.

That’s what George Michael is saying anyway.

He’s spoken to his fans via his lawyer in a statement that says he’s not getting any special treatment while inside. Although, if we open our eyes a little wider, it’s obvious that George (real name Biggie Smalls) is probably getting different treatment from prison staff because he used to be famous.

The statement reads:

“I think it’s only fair to my fans, family and friends to respond in some way, even though I will be home soon.

“In the last three weeks there have been no tears, no anxiety, no bullying, in fact not so much as a sleepless night for me.

“I have been treated with kindness by fellow inmates and prison staff alike and as far as I can tell, have received no special treatment of any kind whatsoever – unless some of the guys here are letting me win at the pool table.

“Most of my days have been spent reading thousands of letters and postcards of incredible support form people around the world. I promise to repay their kindness with new music as soon as I can.”

Does George know what prison is? People are constantly bullied and suffer from anxiety attacks in prison… because prison is horrible. Treated with kindness too? Seriously George, you’re only going to feed the middle English who think that prison is one big holiday camp.

You dick.

Still, at least his cell probably looks like the bloke from Birdman of Alcatraz, only with crudely scrawled letters instead of birdies. Jesus. Imagine what’s in the correspondence. He’s slowly turning into a celebrity martyr akin to Michael Jackson.

We eagerly await the concept album about his time in the clink which sees Michael taking on the role of Godber, the intelligent and sensitive inmate taken in by a brutish but ultimately good-hearted con. Songs will include ‘Slop Pop’, ‘The Screws Are Alright’, ‘Kissing The Bean Slot’, ‘Jam Roll’ and ‘Listening To The Anguish Pain Of Sexual Offenders Being Attacked With Trays Filled With Boiling Water While I Pretend To Sleep’.

We can’t pissing wait.

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George Michael is far from the first pop star to get chucked in prison. He’s not the first to get chided for taking drugs either. However, there’s something almost sweet about the way he decided to get hooked on weed.

Heroin makes you look like a balloon of pus, whereas a bag of hash a day clearly has minor implications for a person, like crashing into a photo developing shop with a stupid name and, er, well… getting sent to prison to be sung at by sex offenders. Ah.

Apparently, cheering and singing broke out round Pentonville jail when prisoners found out pop star George Michael would be serving his time with them.

Sadly for George (aka prisoner A8365AW), he wasn’t in the mood for joining in the fun and games because he was being strip-searched at the time and ready to be thrown into the sex offenders’ block ready for a good mocking and howled versions of songs from his back catalogue.

Quite why the prison service decided to stick him in with the sex offenders is something of a puzzle. It seems that the authorities thought he might be safer among the paedophiles and sex offenders. That’s probably the only time you’ll see the notion of someone being safe amongst sexual predators on these pages.

Anyway, one inmate revealed (how, we don’t know):

“As soon as he arrived some of the prisoners burst into a rendition of Freedom.

“And when he was taken to shower they sang ‘Guilty George has got no freedom’ to the tune of Careless Whisper. He is sulking. He’s wearing prison-issue tracksuit bottoms and a T-shirt but doesn’t have any shoes on.

“When the cells were unlocked in the morning he just sat there and refused to come out. Everyone was peering out of their windows overlooking the exercise yard expecting to see him but he didn’t show.”

Thinking of George in prison, without his shoes on, reminds us of the scenes from Scum featuring intellectual joker, Archer, who refuses to wear boots because it conflicts with some imagined religion. Hopefully, George will play a similar prankster role while incarcerated, leaving wardens to quip: “How is Mecca, Georgie boy?”

Aside from this glibbery, the singer isn’t happy at all.

A source said in The Mirror:

“He was not happy about being strip-searched at all. He told the guards, ‘God, is this really necessary? It’s degrading’.”

Not that this bothered the inmates. They wanted an impromptu show like Cliff at Wimbledon.

Convicted shoplifter with an exotic sounding name, Joao Sena, released yesterday, said:

“We were shouting ‘George Michael’s coming, bring him on!’.”

“He was where the paedophiles, grasses and sex offenders are all kept. It’s not a nice place but because George is a celebrity the prison bosses must have thought he’s vulnerable.”

The prison has apparently offered Michael Subutex, which is a drug given to prisoners with a history of drug abuse. It’s understood that George refused the medication… presumably because you can get bags of skunk really easily whilst ‘inside’, so there’s no point is there?
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Oh dear. George Michael has been jailed for eight weeks after he got stoned out of his little mind and crashed his car.

Jesus. It’s like writing about some scally who just passed his test! Was he listening to some sub-bass heavy Euro trance while he was at it with a glove box full of 10p Pickled Onion Meanies?

Anyway, the crooner was arrested in July in Hampstead, north London after crashing his Range Rover into a shop. Presumably to get his hands on yet more 10p Meanies.

Last month, he was handed a six-month interim driving ban after pleading guilty to driving under the influence of drugs and possessing cannabis.

Feel free to make your own jokes about ‘Freedom’ and all that gubbins… or him being behind Wham bars or… *shoots self*

Breaking news type of thing alert! George Michael has reportedly been charged with driving under the influence of drink and drugs. Honestly! He’s a one-man Cheech and Chong. We reckon he could smoke Method Man and Redman under a table. Probably.

The former Wham bar was also charged with possession of cannabis, reports Sky News. How many packets of Space Raiders do you think he goes through in a week?

Anyway, Michael was freed on bail following his arrest this morning and is due to appear before Highbury magistrates on August 24th.  This is all because he had a slight accident when he crashed his car into a shop.

More news when we get it. Feel free to abuse in the comments.

Nineties heartthrob Sandra Bullock has narrowly escaped death after her car was hit by a drug-crazed female driver.

The drug in question is the one which is responsible for more deaths each year than cocaine, heroin and crack combined.

It is the one which is smelt on the breath of 40% of reported violent criminals, 78% of assaulters and 88% of criminal damagers.

Worst of all, it is the drug most responsible for the current record-breaking human-population on earth.

It’s alcohol – obviously.

Sandra Bullock and her husband, Jesse James (a celebrity in his own right but, as you’ll no doubt understand, not quite worthy of a mention in the headline), being driven by 55-year-old Mark Hussey (not a chance) were hit by a drunk driver in Gloucester, Mass., on Friday evening.

According to People, the driver of the offending vehicle has been identified by local cops as Lucille P. Gatchell, a 64-year-old from Gloucester.

Police said Lucille’s gray Subaru station wagon jumped lanes on East Main Street and crashed into the front end of their private car but, staying true to the celebrity-car-crash form-guide, not a sausage was injured.

Luckily, Hussey had been driving at just 20 mph at the time. And we all know what would have happened if they’d been traveling at double that speed!

(Now, at this point, we have the choice of two comedy avenues to skip down; the first being a reference to that girl in the ‘if you hit me at 40 mph I’ll get mangled by a tree, but if you hit me at 30mph I’ll just piss myself a little’ adverts. And second, of course, is the ‘it would trigger a bomb that Dennis Hopper will explode if you go under a certain speed’ avenue)

(Both have their merits, but have been done and redone over the last 24 hours by publications less reputable than this, and we can’t be seen – at least – to be delving to their level. So rather than wasting your time, we’ll just leave you with the following dilemma, before hurriedly moving on: If you were driving the Speed bus and that girl from the advert walked in the road, would you leave her wetting herself, or holding up that tree? It may happen one day.)

The real star of this whole shebang, however, is, without a shadow of a doubt, Gloucester Police Lt. Gerry Cook, who commented:

“It’s unfortunate, but it shows you that no one is immune from drunk drivers, no matter how famous you are.”

Now that man does deserve a mention in the headline! Finally someone is brave enough to stand up to the brainwashed masses who believe celebrities harbour special powers making it impossible for drunk drivers to collide with them.

You idiots! Wake up and smell the reality!

Lt. Cook continued:

“They were shaken up, needless to say, But they were fine – he was hugging her. Jess and Sandra were hugging. They said they were fine, they didn’t need medical attention. There were quite a few people snapping pictures of them…”

Lucille P. Gatchell was given a field sobriety test by officers. She blew a .20 on the breathalyzer (two and a half times the legal limit). She was arrested and booked for driving under the influence of alcohol and failure to stay in marked lanes.

She was later released on her own recognizance (recognizance: n. an obligation of record that is entered into before a court or magistrate, containing a condition to perform a particular act, such as making a court appearance) and shall be arraigned (arraigned: tr.v. to call [an accused person] before a court to answer the charge made against him or her by indictment, information, or complaint) on the charges this (this: pron. used to refer to the person or thing present, nearby, or just mentioned) coming Tuesday.

Read More – Sandra Bullock, Husband Hit By Drunk Driver – People

OK, first an apology for the misleading title – Mel Gibson has been allowed to drink for ages, but now he gets to do it without a judge disapprovingly scowling at him for it.

Mel Gibson has just been told by a judge that he no longer needs to attend courtroom progress reports for the probation he was given when he got drunk and drove around screaming bad things about the Jews that time.

However, just because he doesn't have to appear in court, Mel Gibson still has 18 months of probation left to battle through alone. Which means, although he's allowed to get drunk, we'll have to wait until the middle of 2009 before Mel Gibson can load up on booze, break the law and use the arrest as an excuse to howl Jewish insults into the sky like some sort of sugartit-fixated werewolf again without fear of jail. 

Mel Gibson might be getting sued by the man who wrote the Bible – or whatever – at the moment, but that won't keep him down for long. That's because Mel Gibson has just crossed another hurdle on his road to rehabilitation.

You'll remember that a couple of years ago Mel Gibson was arrested for DUI. No big deal there – even the most minor Hiltons are doing it these days – but what made Mel Gibson's arrest so special was his behaviour at the arrest. In no particular order, during his arrest Mel Gibson managed to say he owned all of Malibu, offer to 'fuck' the male arresting officer and invent the term 'Sugartits'. Oh, and claim that the Fucking Jews were responsible for every single conflict in the history of the world.

Mel's had a long road to walk getting back from that incident – Hollywood shunned him and not as many people went to see his gory little film about the Mayans as expected – but thanks to a round of relentless apologies and rehab, Mel Gibson is back where he once was again, as his recent filmography of zero movies goes to show.

But just because it's easy to win forgiveness from Jodie Foster and the like, it doesn't mean that Mel Gibson is legally in the clear yet. Although he's completed alcohol rehabilitation, attended court-enforced Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and been through a 90-day drink-driving course, Mel Gibson still has 18 months left of his probation. But the good news is that he doesn't have to keep going to court all the time, as Reuters reports:

Oscar-winning film star Mel Gibson, who made worldwide news by unleashing an anti-Semitic tirade during his 2006 arrest for drunk driving, received a judge's approval on Wednesday to serve the rest of his probation without appearing in court again. Superior Court Judge Lawrence Mira told the 52-year-old "Passion of the Christ" director that he had completed the requirements of his no-contest plea and was not required to make further progress reports to the court. "You're on your own now with the self-help groups, so this is the most difficult time for you," Mira told a subdued Gibson during a brief hearing in Los Angeles. "Good luck to you as you continue your rehabilitation."

That's a big step, and no mistake – and no doubt there'll be dark times to come – but for now Mel Gibson has every right to celebrate this milestone. And what better way to celebrate than by driving too fast around California, chugging from a bottle of tequila and loudly cursing the Jews for all the terrible things they've ever done? That's the tradition, we've heard.

Read more:

Judge tells actor Mel Gibson "You're on your own" - Reuters