It is the one which is smelt on the breath of 40% of reported violent criminals, 78% of assaulters and 88% of criminal damagers.

Worst of all, it is the drug most responsible for the current record-breaking human-population on earth.

It’s alcohol – obviously.

Sandra Bullock and her husband, Jesse James (a celebrity in his own right but, as you’ll no doubt understand, not quite worthy of a mention in the headline), being driven by 55-year-old Mark Hussey (not a chance) were hit by a drunk driver in Gloucester, Mass., on Friday evening.

According to People, the driver of the offending vehicle has been identified by local cops as Lucille P. Gatchell, a 64-year-old from Gloucester.

Police said Lucille’s gray Subaru station wagon jumped lanes on East Main Street and crashed into the front end of their private car but, staying true to the celebrity-car-crash form-guide, not a sausage was injured.

Luckily, Hussey had been driving at just 20 mph at the time. And we all know what would have happened if they’d been traveling at double that speed!

(Now, at this point, we have the choice of two comedy avenues to skip down; the first being a reference to that girl in the ‘if you hit me at 40 mph I’ll get mangled by a tree, but if you hit me at 30mph I’ll just piss myself a little’ adverts. And second, of course, is the ‘it would trigger a bomb that Dennis Hopper will explode if you go under a certain speed’ avenue)

(Both have their merits, but have been done and redone over the last 24 hours by publications less reputable than this, and we can’t be seen – at least – to be delving to their level. So rather than wasting your time, we’ll just leave you with the following dilemma, before hurriedly moving on: If you were driving the Speed bus and that girl from the advert walked in the road, would you leave her wetting herself, or holding up that tree? It may happen one day.)

The real star of this whole shebang, however, is, without a shadow of a doubt, Gloucester Police Lt. Gerry Cook, who commented:

“It’s unfortunate, but it shows you that no one is immune from drunk drivers, no matter how famous you are.”

Now that man does deserve a mention in the headline! Finally someone is brave enough to stand up to the brainwashed masses who believe celebrities harbour special powers making it impossible for drunk drivers to collide with them.

You idiots! Wake up and smell the reality!

Lt. Cook continued:

“They were shaken up, needless to say, But they were fine – he was hugging her. Jess and Sandra were hugging. They said they were fine, they didn’t need medical attention. There were quite a few people snapping pictures of them…”

Lucille P. Gatchell was given a field sobriety test by officers. She blew a .20 on the breathalyzer (two and a half times the legal limit). She was arrested and booked for driving under the influence of alcohol and failure to stay in marked lanes.

She was later released on her own recognizance (recognizance: n. an obligation of record that is entered into before a court or magistrate, containing a condition to perform a particular act, such as making a court appearance) and shall be arraigned (arraigned: tr.v. to call [an accused person] before a court to answer the charge made against him or her by indictment, information, or complaint) on the charges this (this: pron. used to refer to the person or thing present, nearby, or just mentioned) coming Tuesday.

Read More – Sandra Bullock, Husband Hit By Drunk Driver – People

Mel Gibson has just been told by a judge that he no longer needs to attend courtroom progress reports for the probation he was given when he got drunk and drove around screaming bad things about the Jews that time.

However, just because he doesn't have to appear in court, Mel Gibson still has 18 months of probation left to battle through alone. Which means, although he's allowed to get drunk, we'll have to wait until the middle of 2009 before Mel Gibson can load up on booze, break the law and use the arrest as an excuse to howl Jewish insults into the sky like some sort of sugartit-fixated werewolf again without fear of jail. 

Mel Gibson might be getting sued by the man who wrote the Bible – or whatever – at the moment, but that won't keep him down for long. That's because Mel Gibson has just crossed another hurdle on his road to rehabilitation.

You'll remember that a couple of years ago Mel Gibson was arrested for DUI. No big deal there – even the most minor Hiltons are doing it these days – but what made Mel Gibson's arrest so special was his behaviour at the arrest. In no particular order, during his arrest Mel Gibson managed to say he owned all of Malibu, offer to 'fuck' the male arresting officer and invent the term 'Sugartits'. Oh, and claim that the Fucking Jews were responsible for every single conflict in the history of the world.

Mel's had a long road to walk getting back from that incident – Hollywood shunned him and not as many people went to see his gory little film about the Mayans as expected – but thanks to a round of relentless apologies and rehab, Mel Gibson is back where he once was again, as his recent filmography of zero movies goes to show.

But just because it's easy to win forgiveness from Jodie Foster and the like, it doesn't mean that Mel Gibson is legally in the clear yet. Although he's completed alcohol rehabilitation, attended court-enforced Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and been through a 90-day drink-driving course, Mel Gibson still has 18 months left of his probation. But the good news is that he doesn't have to keep going to court all the time, as Reuters reports:

Oscar-winning film star Mel Gibson, who made worldwide news by unleashing an anti-Semitic tirade during his 2006 arrest for drunk driving, received a judge's approval on Wednesday to serve the rest of his probation without appearing in court again. Superior Court Judge Lawrence Mira told the 52-year-old "Passion of the Christ" director that he had completed the requirements of his no-contest plea and was not required to make further progress reports to the court. "You're on your own now with the self-help groups, so this is the most difficult time for you," Mira told a subdued Gibson during a brief hearing in Los Angeles. "Good luck to you as you continue your rehabilitation."

That's a big step, and no mistake – and no doubt there'll be dark times to come – but for now Mel Gibson has every right to celebrate this milestone. And what better way to celebrate than by driving too fast around California, chugging from a bottle of tequila and loudly cursing the Jews for all the terrible things they've ever done? That's the tradition, we've heard.

Read more:

Judge tells actor Mel Gibson "You're on your own" - Reuters