Lindsay Lohan used to be loads of fun. She was always in trouble or having sex with someone. She had set the controls for the heart of self-destruct and we all had ringside seats for an early death. And then she went and spoiled it all by looking after herself.
Git.
And now, after getting her freckled neck hoiked by the police a few too many times, she’s laying off the sauce – the same sauce that is a attributable to so much of her success (in getting column inches at least). While trouble may not have left her, she’s angry that people are saying she’s been getting stuck in to that lovely, lovely booze (the only real replacement for love).
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Aah! Lindsay Lohan is the perfect hecklerspray celebrity. She takes one-step forward, or one step back, and she’s in trouble. It doesn’t matter where she is, or who she’s with – she’s always on the brink of being in some kind of bother.
Now, after a couple of years of jewel thievery, alleged assault, drug and drink problems and hanging around morgues, LiLo is back in trouble! HUZZAH! We should thank our stars she hasn’t found God and become a giganto-bore.
So what’s she done this time? Well, it involves a woman called Nubia Del Carmen Preza, a high performance sports vehicle and a whole lotta anguish. Splendid.
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You have to hand it to Whitney Houston – she’s really great at being a mental famous person. While you have to acknowledge the power of her lungs, we all know damn well that she’s remembered for (alleged) crack cocaine use, throwing tantrums and being in a lousy relationship with Bobby Brown.
Oh, and that bit in the ‘I Will Always Love You‘ video where it looks like she’s taking a dump in the snow as the key-change kicks in.
So which one is she doing now? Well, it involves an aeroplane and a clear will to die.
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Oi! Reprobates! You look like a bunch of degenerates that look like you use booze as a crutch to get you through your despairingly dreadful life!
Chances are, you’re one of those ‘heavy metal sorts’ who bangs your giant, hairy head to deeply unfashionable music without a care in the world. Metallica, Slayer and all those rasping, wailing bands really tickle your pickle, right?
We like you. And we’re going to get you drunk.
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Former husband 0f Courtney Cox and alleged actor David Arquette was thrown out of a Prince concert recently for committing the heinous crime of taking photos of ‘The Artist’ in his true, lizard form.
The singer has a notorious ‘no photography’ rule at his shows designed to protect him from the damage his reputation could take if the wider public was to see him in his true form.
However, Arquette managed to get his silly self into an altercation with security at the singer’s ‘Welcome 2 America’ shows at the Los Angeles Forum when a young boy flouted the singer’s no photography rule. The real pain of Arquette’s story is that this ‘altercation’ came straight after Prince had told the crowd they were allowed to take pictures.
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The people that count themselves as extreme sportsmen and women are irritating aren’t they? They’ve bought into a lifestyle that gives them instant cool points with young attractive people as they pop-shovit and grind their way around your town with their awful tattoos.
Meanwhile, you stand by, offering absolutely nothing to the world, seething with rage. If only you’d become good at skating instead of table tennis when you were young.
However, with most skaters being scrawny blokes with greasy hair and chipped teeth, you can hoot with derision and point out that, while they may have cool points, they’ll never be as engrossing as young attractive women in hot pants.
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You may well think that Prince is some kind of mental freakshow who lives inside a sock made of gold, eating tinfoil all day while stroking his waxy skin… but he’s nothing compared to the complete train wreck that is Whitney Houston.
That’s right. If you consider that Prince has to live with his weird self every stinking day, you’d imagine he’d have an astonishingly high level of tolerance for people who might be considered to be a little bit… uh… eccentric.
However, so nutso is Whitney that even Prince can’t stand her. Prince is so peeved with Houston that he’s banned her from his shows, taking away all her ticket privileges thanks to too many demands and her weird, weird behaviour.
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In news which prompted the Metropolitan Police to issue the statement “Thank fuck for that, now he’s someone else’s problem”, George Michael has ‘announced’ a new tour.
Okay, so this isn’t your actual press conference announcement, but he did post something on Twitter that made it sound like he’ll drag his flabby carcass out on a tour.
And to hecklerspray, a Tweet is just about as good as a court-certified affadavit, witnessed by God and the baby Jesus, and guaranteed by powdered unicorn horn and rainbow juice.
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