And if a tubby ginger hermit like Axl Rose can keep his promises, then he damn well expects a fizzy drinks company like Dr Pepper to as well. You’ll remember that Dr Pepper promised everyone in America a free drink if Guns N’ Roses released Chinese Democracy this year. Well, Guns N’ Roses did release Chinese Democracy this year but, thanks to a website snafu, hardly anyone got their free Dr Pepper.

And so Guns N’ Roses have literally got their lawyer to demand that Dr Pepper gives everyone their free drink regardless of the cost. It might seem like a heavyhanded gesture, but that’s nothing – Axl Rose is so furious about this mix-up that he’s decided to record a brand new album to deliberately address what he sees as Dr Pepper’s shoddy customer service. Expected release date – the year four hundred billion AD.

Axl Rose and Dr Pepper are remarkably similar. They’re both ginger, for starters, plus they’re equally bubbly. And both of them have funny names and are only really enjoyed by massive idiots with no taste.

So back in March when Dr Pepper promised everyone a free drink if Guns N’ Roses released Chinese Democracy before the end of 2008, it seemed like such a brilliant marketing stunt. After all, not only did it give Dr Pepper more press coverage that it knew what to do with, but it was all free – Dr Pepper would never have to pay out because it was common knowledge that Axl Rose was going to stay locked up in his studio, tightening and untightening a solitary cymbal wingnut in his pants until it made the exact sound he wanted, which would be never because the exact sound he wanted was actually a mooing cow.

But anyway, this week the unthinkable happened. Guns N’ Roses actually released Chinese Democracy. And that meant three things:

1 - About four people who still think it’s 1991 were slightly thrilled.

2 - China got its knickers in a twist a bit.

3 - Everyone got a free Dr Pepper.

Except that last one didn’t actually happen. You see, what Dr Pepper meant when it said that everyone got a free drink if Guns N’ Roses released Chinese Democracy this year was that everyone gets a free drink, but only on the day of its release, and then only if you managed to get onto the Dr Pepper website to download the appropriate voucher before heavy traffic derailed it for most of that day.

And this set of near-impossible conditions has made Axl Rose so furious that he’s actually set his lawyer Alan Gutman onto Dr Pepper. Reuters reports:

Gutman is demanding that Dr Pepper makes good on its offer by extending the period for the offer; he also wants full-page apologies in the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, USA Today and the Wall Street Journal. Gutman’s letter makes clear his view that the original campaign was an “exploitation of my clients’ legendary reputation and their eagerly awaited album” and “brazenly violated our clients’ rights.”

Oh, and money. Axl Rose wants money too. As if you needed to be told.

But although this is basically an argument about how people can’t get a free horrible-tasting drink because a rubbish band released a disappointing album within a certain timeframe, Axl Rose should be congratulated on his newfound attentiveness towards consumer affairs.

Not that we should be surprised, though – Axl Rose has had a long-standing interest in the world of customer service for some time now. It’s a little-known fact that Bad Apples was written about the returns policy of his local greengrocer, while Sweet Child O’ Mine was Axl’s angry reaction to the baby he received from a cannibalism website which tasted slightly tart when he had specifically requested a sugary one. True story*.

*Not a true story.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

OK, not really the big guns as such. The fizzy syrup that rots your teeth and tastes a bit like metal. Lots and lots of the fizzy syrup that rots your teeth and tastes a bit like metal. That instead of the big guns.

Fizzy drink company Dr Pepper has promised a free can of Dr Pepper to everyone in America if Guns N' Roses release Chinese Democracy in 2008. What people do with it is up to them – they can either immerse themselves in the exhilarating complex effervescence of Dr Pepper or pound the unopened can against their temple until they're unconscious because they'd rather suffer blunt force trauma than hear what a letdown Chinese Democracy is.

The thing about great lost albums is that there's usually a reason why they're lost in the first place. Take Smile, for instance – for 35 years Beach Boys fans frothed and bickered about how great it really was, and then when it was released in 2004 everyone listened to it once, pulled a 'that's a bit self-indulgent' face and never played it again.

And that's Smile, for christ's sake – The Album That Made Brian Wilson Mad. Compare that to the long-delayed Guns N' Roses album Chinese Democracy – The Album That Made Axl Rose Quite Fat at best. Chances are that whatever kernel of quality was created in the inception of Chinese Democracy was tinkered with and overdubbed into a narcissistic $13 million mess of Shaquille O'Neal guest-raps nine or ten years ago, but people still get excited by the prospect of its release.

Most recently it was promised that Chinese Democracy would be released in 2006, but that didn't happen. Then a 2007 Chinese Democracy release date came and went and everything fell silent again, roughly around the same time that Chinese Democracy was going to redefine the term 'bloated'.

But some people still want to hear what kind of flabby, directionless mess Axl Rose has come up with and, oddly enough, they all work for Dr Pepper. Knowing that just about the only thing that can tempt Axl Rose out of his cave is the promise of oddly-tasting carbonated muck, Dr Pepper has offered a free can of drink to everyone in America if Rose can get himself together enough to release Chinese Democracy this year. Reuters reports:

Now, Dr Pepper thinks it's up to the challenge. The soft drink company says it will give a free can of Dr Pepper to "everyone in America" (excluding ex-Guns members Slash and Buckethead) if "Chinese Democracy" arrives anytime during the calendar year 2008. Rose responded on his band's web site that the band was "surprised and very happy to have the support of Dr Pepper." But the offer did not prompt him to rose to the challenge.

Of course, it'll never happen. Axl Rose seems so far down the rabbit hole with Chinese Democracy at this point that the only way we'll ever get to hear it is if Axl Rose suddenly dies and his record label releases a deluxe-packaged 90-CD box set of the Chinese Democracy sessions, 86 CDs of which will just be the sound of Axl Rose making infinitesimal alterations on a flange pedal for hours on end.

But, hey, what is it with soft drink companies taunting pop groups today? First Pepsi makes Billy Corgan throw a tantrum and now Dr Pepper is teasing Guns N' Roses? At this rate Panda Pops will have made one of Scouting For Girls cry by sundown. Please let's not allow this atrocity to happen. Not on our watch.

Read more: 

Dr Pepper issues challenge to Guns N' Roses - Reuters