Tila Tequila, also known as Miss Tila, also known as Who?, will be one of the guests on VH1′s Celebrity Rehab.

It has been noted, and not just by the show’s detractors, that even Z-listers turned down offers to appear – yet the show is featuring Tila. This should be good fun then, should it not?

For those who’ve been too busy enjoying the sunshine or otherwise doing something more productive, Tila is a former reality star. She’s a woman who, and even her own fans may concur, needs fame like the rest of us need air. She’s vaguely inoffensive – other than that business of tweeting excitedly about the death of her fiance like she’d just won the free PR lottery… and the pregnancies that weren’t pregnancies according to anti-Tila sites. Forget it. We give up. Tila has done some pretty appalling things, in the name of staying in the public eye.

We won’t bore you chewing over the details, but we will tell you Tila has a sudden prescription drug problem – a problem that seems to have been admitted out of the blue for the purpose of snagging a spot (no one else wanted) on the show (no one’s going to be watching). Celebrity Rehab, as you may guess from the name, is a show in which people who’ve fallen off the celebrity alphabet altogether seek help. That help comes in the form of Dr. Drew Pinsky. Drew is thought to be a bit of a quack, by some – as he offers asinine armchair diagnoses of celebrities like Lindsay Lohan, whom he doesn’t even treat.

There are going to be two nobodies on a show, that has been labelled a career killer, vying to cause more drama and make even more headlines – Tila with her shenanigans and Drew diagnosing everybody with unpronounceable, non-existent disorders. Sounds fun.

From Radar Online:

Tila Tequila says she has a prescription pill problem and is heading to VH-1’s Celebrity Rehab 4. The reality TV star broke the news on her Web site and (1) took a shot at Lindsay Lohan (2) said that if she stays sober VH-1 may give her a spin off show about her sober life. “I know I am an extremely smart girl, and to run all these empires when I am not even 30 yet, is quite an accomplishment, however I finally admitted to myself that I cannot rely on taking prescription pills everyday for the rest of my life!” Tila wrote. She then said to accomplish her goals, “I must not be another “Lindsay Lohan” where I just flush everything I worked so hard for down the toilet for nothing…” Tila did not specify what type of pills she has been abusing. The pint-sized formerly pregnant (?) self-described mogul says he own spinoff show about sober life would also include trying to meet the love of her life and would be “very raw and real.”

We would watch Celebrity Rehab but… um… there’s a re-run of Columbo we must see. It’s on from whenever this starts, until whenever this finishes. Looks like we’re going to miss the whole thing. Damn it.

This was a guest blog by the wonderful explosion of joy that is Amy Grindhouse.

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A doctor, Playboy and Nazis. With just three clues we want you, our intrepid readers, to guess what this story could possibly be about. Though that does mean ignoring the picture next to this text. And the headline. Hmm…

That’s right, it’s Tom Cruise News! Was there ever any doubt?

Yes, it would seem we live in a world where it makes more than enough sense for a comment in Playboy magazine by a TV doctor to result in said doctor being likened to a Nazi, on behalf of the Cruiser’s legal representation. We at hecklerspray are confused and annoyed by this world, but we soldier on.

It all started a few days ago when it was revealed that television doctor Drew Pinsky had spoken of Cruise’s affiliation with Scientology, remarking to Playboy magazine (possibly when surrounded by naked breasts):

“A lot of people in the public eye who behave strangely have mental illness we can learn from, and much of it is based on childhood trauma, without a doubt.”

Now, likening followers of Scientology to strange behaviour may seem like a perfectly sensible and reasonable summation, and even going so far as to bring a mental illness into things is sure to strike anyone as making perfect sense, especially when referring to how they think the thing they’re following is a bona-fide religion.

But not Tom Cruise, oh no – he seemed to take issue with this statement. Well, through his lawyer, Bert Fields, at least. Obviously unhappy with what he saw as a ridiculous overstatement that no one in their right mind could possibly come to, Fields issued this response:

“The last time we heard garbage like this was from Joseph Goebbels.”

We do feel the need to point out that Joseph Goebbels – though he may have done some evil things in his time on the planet – certainly did not liken following Scientology to mental illness. Most likely because Goebbels died seven years before the religion was invented, but there may be other mitigating circumstances too.

Now if hecklerspray were likened to a famous Nazi bastard, we would respond with fierce words and likely brutal force – we don’t stand for no jibba jabba round these parts. But it would seem the good (or evil, if you believe Cruise and co.) doctor is cut from a different cloth altogether, as he soon issued an apologetic statement, which read:

“Although Mr. Fields’s intent is clearly to slander and discredit Dr. Drew, under no circumstances is Dr. Drew making a blanket diagnosis about Scientology nor Mr. Cruise, whom he does not know. Dr. Drew was simply using Mr. Cruise as an example of someone who is recognizable to help the public understand.”

What exactly he was trying to do, by comparing followers of Scientology (namely Tom Cruise) to persons of ill mental health, we may never know. But apparently Dr Drew wasn’t trying to insinuate that followers of Scientology (namely Tom Cruise) were likely sufferers of mental illness. Obviously.

What Dr Drew should have done was liken Tom Cruise, the stoic follower of Scientology, to a Nazi. It would have made far more sense. Or Jesus.