HecklerSpray

Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy

Dick Van Dyke: Dolphin Friendly

November 10th, 2010 By Ralph Sanders

This is meant to be some kind of a cynical pop-culture website, right? Most of you are looking at the name in the title and wondering which celebrity has forcibly trapped a lesbian in the back of a transit van before inserting their penis inside them for the pleasure of a pod of watching aquatic mammals, right? Wrong.

It doesn’t matter that Dick Van Dyke might be an 84 year old man who has done little since being in Diagnosis Murder, which finished in 2001 (coincidence? It's safe to assume that it was pulled off the air because Osama Bin Laden was a fan. By entertaining terrorists, we're letting them win, kids)

It doesn’t matter that, if anyone recognises him they are either a student, are unemployable or are one of the few people in the country who have coherent memories of family Christmases. It doesn’t matter because he was in Mary Poppins for god?s sake. Show some respect. Like the porpoises did.

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Hayden Panettiere: Illegal In Japan

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Hayden Panettiere arrest warrant japan dolphins heroesHayden Panettiere is best-known for being the cheerleader from Heroes who can mangle up her body and then spontaneously regenerate – either that or being the one from Heroes that makes you feel the most like a dirty old man.

However, if you're from Japan then Hayden Panettiere is a high-profile fugitive who hates Japanese culture to such an extent that she's in a huge amount of trouble for it. Admittedly that's because the part of Japanese culture that Hayden Panettiere hates the most is the way they slaughter dolphins – and her surfboard-based pre-dawn attempts to disrupt a dolphin cull last month has resulted in a Japanese arrest warrant being placed on Hayden Panettiere's head. Forget 'save the cheerleader, save the world'; this is a case of 'arrest the cheerleader, curtail a potentially knotty international diplomatic incident'.

Also, it's thought that – following Hayden Panettiere's Japanese arrest warrant – the schizophrenic porno girl from Heroes who used to be in Dawson's Creek has decided to keep her controversial anti-Hello Kitty sentiments to herself for now.

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