Dolly Parton, despite being 93% man-made (like a Rustler’s microwaveable burger), is still one of the most brilliant humans on the planet. She’s only got 3 or 4 really famous tunes, but that doesn’t matter – the world is better simply by her existence.

Of course, like all country singers, Dolly has been unlucky in love. Deserving a lucky break, we hope that her wish to marry Prince Harry comes true!

That’s right. Dolly Parton wants to betroth herself to Prince Harry and all his fondness for dressing up like the Third Reich and smoking reefers. She’ll probably fix him and get him down the plastic surgery clinic in no time, leaving our heir to the throne looking like a cross between Hitler and David Gest. Who wouldn’t want to see that on the back of bank note?

Parton said she doesn’t have an invite to the royal wedding (a travesty) but if she marries Harry then she’ll be fine.

“I didn’t get an invite which is disappointing. I’ll just marry Harry then I’ll be guaranteed to go to the next one for sure. He’s a little cutie, isn’t he?”

“Everybody loves a princess wedding – it’s a fairytale. Romance is always wonderful. Everyone wants romance in their lives and if they can’t have it in their own they like watching it in someone else’s.”

Awww!

Dolly is so sweet isn’t she? Of course, her face didn’t move once while she spoke those two paragraphs, but that’s okay. We’ll never meet her anyway, so who cares if she looks and moves like a sex-doll?

All we know is that we want her to be our Queen. Someone make it happen. And no, that isn’t a call to mentalists to murder the rest of the Royals ’til it happens.

Maybe.

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Stephen Fry is the Dad we wished we all had here at Hecklerspray, mainly because he’s less drinky-drinky-touchy-feely than our real Dads, but also because he’s so loveable and he loves technology.

Fry has always showcased his love for technology and yesterday conducted the first ever newspaper interview via twitter, in which he used the popular but ultimately pointless and constantly broken social network to talk to the only man in the UK with a name more ridiculous than (the sparkly new editor of Hecklerspray) Mof Gimmers. The impossibly smug Johann Hari.

Johann the man seemed to be hoping to get a few followers out of this as without following him it just looked like Stephen Fry had had a bit of a breakdown and decided the best way to advertise this to the world was starting to interview himself live on the internet, in a way that was too clever for us to really make fun of. Think Mel Gibson’s phone rants mixed with the Times crossword.

Hari also seemed to spend a bit too long asking Stephen Fry about his appearance and aspects of his love life. A ‘proper’ journalist would tell you that this is because, as a sufferer of manic-depression, Fry’s image of himself appears to be horribly distorted, to the point where he seems to look in the mirror and sees a man with Michael Jackson’s face and Rick Waller’s body staring back at him.

However, after much discussion within the not-so-serious confines of the Hecklerspray office, it was obvious that the reason for all the personal questions was because Hari fancies being the yoghurt pot to Fry’s spoon (apologies if that’s put you off your lunch, especially once you know what Hari looks like).

The self described, “European Social Democrat,” who managed to call the Dalai Lama a bitch, then proceeded to name drop Dolly Parton and Busted during the pre-amble, couldn’t be more of a smug faced goon if he tried.

Sorry if I’ve now ruined yoghurt for you, blame Johann.

Dolly Parton has said plenty in the past, but never anything about Kenny Rogers’ beard smelling like boy cum.

However, anyone listening to Howard Stern‘s radio show last week might have got that impression. Last Tuesday Howard Stern broadcast clips from Dolly Parton’s newest audiobook, chopped up to make Dolly say all kinds of obscene things – with the line about Kenny Rogers beard probably ranking among the least offensive.

But when Dolly Parton heard about this, she was so appalled that she wrote a lengthy angry statement on her website about exactly how offended she was. Which meant that we could go onto YouTube, find a copy of Stern’s bit and publish it for you lot after the jump. We’d have never known it existed otherwise, so thanks Dolly!

Dolly Parton doesn’t deserve any ill will from anyone. She’s helping children in crap British towns learn to read, she recently suffered from tit-related back pain and she starred in the movie Steel Magnolias. OK, so maybe Dolly Parton does deserve a little bit of ill will for that, actually.

But ill will to the extent where voice clips of her are edited to say “One night I lifted Burt Reynolds’ nuts and ate his gross filthy shitbox”? Dolly Parton doesn’t seem to think so.

You see, last Tuesday Howard Stern – still reeling from the time his violent friend went mental and resigned on air - broadcast some smartly-edited clips from Dolly Parton’s new audiobook that made her say, well look, it made her say this. Be warned that the video below is thoroughly offensive and shouldn’t be listened to by anyone with ears…

Hey, it’s just like a really rubbish version of Cassetteboy! And, despite being very obviously fake – even by Howard Stern’s own admission – it hasn’t stopped Dolly Parton explaining at length that she’s never even put her mouth anywhere near Burt Reynolds’ shitbox. Dolly wrote:

“I have never been so shocked, hurt and humiliated in all my life. I cannot believe what Howard Stern has done to me. In a blue million years, I would never have such vulgar things come out of my mouth. They have done editing or some sort of trickery to make this horrible, horrible thing. Please accept my apology for them and certainly know I had nothing to do with this. If there was ever going to be a lawsuit, it’s going to be over this. Just wanted you to know that I am completely devastated by this.”

Obviously we can see Dolly Parton’s point – as a country and western artist she knows her fans aren’t the shiniest buttons in the box, and some of them probably believed that Dolly Parton really was spouting off all those obscenities in her book.

That’s why she’s had to explain the concept of editing to them, much as she did with the title of her early album This Is Just A Recording So Stop Pulling Your Radio Apart Trying To Find Me, You Clueless Bloody Hicks.

Read more:

Stern With Stern – Dolly Parton

There's no way of politely putting this, so we'll just go ahead and say it – Dolly Parton's breasts are pure evil.

Alright, maybe pure evil is a bit of an overstatement – it's not like they're responsible for more than maybe five or six global atrocities – but you can't deny that Dolly Parton's breasts are a right old couple of bastards. 

Why? Because Dolly Parton's boobs are so big that they've knackered her back and forced her to cancel an entire tour. Where are we supposed to get our fix of ancient, massive-boobed, rootin'-tootin' country and western music now? Keith Urban?

Ever since Whitney Houston rerecorded her song I Will Always Love You, Dolly Parton hasn't had to do anything, apart from directing the 16 money trucks that visit her house every day to the giant abandoned quarry she uses as a royalty landfill. Sure, Dolly Parton gets out now and again to see what Rotherham looks like or to hear Jessica Simpson massacre one of her songs, but mainly she doesn't do a whole lot these days.

However, Dolly Parton is an artist, and from time to time a fire is lit beneath her to create brand new country music and travel around America playing it to the crosseyed and toothless truckers who'll appreciate it most. But as much as Dolly Parton would like to go on tour, there are a couple of things trying to hold her back.

Her boobs.

As well as the songs and the big hair and the semi-successful movie career and the theme-park, Dolly Parton is probably best known for having breasts like two lead-filled dinosaur eggs. While the obvious upside to Dolly Parton's titanic knockers is that creepy weirdos still think "Woar, Dolly Parton!" even though she's now 62 years old, the downside is that the epic gravitational pull of her boobs have twisted Dolly Parton's spine into something that looks like a question mark drawn by a horse with a paintbrush in its mouth.

And that means that Dolly Parton's tour is off, as Reuters reports:

Dolly Parton's breasts may be two of the wonders of the entertainment world, but the country music icon says they are a pain in her back. Parton, 62, said on Monday she would postpone her upcoming North American tour after doctors told her to take it easy for six to eight weeks to rest her sore back. "Hey, you try wagging these puppies around a while and see if you don't have back problems," the folksy singer-songwriter said in a statement.

It's a double shame, because Dolly Parton's tour was to help promote Backwoods Barbie, her first new proper country album for 17 years. But it isn't all bad, because the tour should be back on the road in a couple of months. And then we'll get to hear Dolly Parton debut her new songs like Ow My Back, Breasty But Hump-Backed and the poignant tear-jerker You Stupid Tits, I Oughta Chop You Off.

Read more:

Dolly Parton postpones tour, blames breasts – Reuters 

The good people of Rotherham know all about famous people – after all, the town is responsible for producing not just Jive Bunny and the Chuckle Brothers but the fat bloke from Hi-de-Hi, too.

However, that's all been blown out of the water now that Dolly Parton has bewilderingly decided to use Rotherham as the UK launchpad of her new pre-school literacy drive. From now on, thanks to Dolly Parton's good work, every child born in Rotherham will receive one book a month until they are five. Sounds like a good idea, but it really isn't – what Dolly Parton doesn't know is that Rotherham is also the UK base for the Children's Picture Books For Packets Of Hard Drugs trading foundation, along with being a crucial annex of the worldwide Stack Kid's Book On Top Of Each Other Until We Get High Enough To Kill God campaign. Poor Dolly Parton, she's just a patsy in all of this.

Not much happens in Rotherham. Sure, there's the annual 'Steal Stuff From Washing Lines' day, the occasional twinning ceremony with old discarded prams found around the world and every now and then visitors will provide locals with important nourishment by letting them take turns at trying to chew dead woodland creatures from the grill of their car, but that's about it.

Equally it's not much fun being Dolly Parton. Every morning Dolly wakes up, counts all the mile-high stacks of I Will Always Love You royalty money that have built up overnight, spends a couple of hours playing around in the theme park she owns, takes a break to count the mile-high stacks of I Will Always Love You royalty money that have built up throughout the morning and then spends the rest of day eating endangered animals from bejewelled plates and laughing contentedly about the time she made Jessica Simpson cry.

So basically what we're trying to say is that Rotherham and Dolly Parton are essentially identical. 

And that's why Rotherham was a not-at-all confusing first choice for Dolly Parton to launch her Imagination Library pre-school literacy scheme in the UK, as she did yesterday. Thanks to Dolly Parton's help, every child in Rotherham will receive one book per month until they turn five, which they can use to hammer in nails, de-stone horse-hooves or just sellotape to their feet to act as shoes as they see fit.

Why Rotherham? Well, Dolly Parton puts it down to a visit by Roger Stone, the leader of Rotherham council who visited Tennessee a few years ago on an important business meeting that absolutely had to take place in Tennessee. Dolly told BBC News:

"I didn't know much about Rotherham other than what we heard when we started talking to Roger Stone. He had been over to the States and found out about our programme and asked if we would bring it here to the children. He thought it was a wonderful idea, so two years later we are here, and we are very excited about it."

Yes, we know we're wrong to mock such an important literacy drive, and that Dolly Parton should be credited for choosing somewhere other than a London suburb for once to launch her campaign. Because Dolly Parton is doing a very good thing to the people of Rotherham.

Face it, with her influence, the children of Rotherham now all have a shot at getting a piece of what Dolly Parton has in the future – that is, a role in an unsuccessful Sylvester Stallone movie and a song that was only slightly popular until Whitney Houston decided to rerecord it.

Read more:

Dolly Brings Scheme To Yorkshire – BBC