Dolly Parton, despite being 93% man-made (like a Rustler’s microwaveable burger), is still one of the most brilliant humans on the planet. She’s only got 3 or 4 really famous tunes, but that doesn’t matter – the world is better simply by her existence.
Of course, like all country singers, Dolly has been unlucky in love. Deserving a lucky break, we hope that her wish to marry Prince Harry comes true!
That’s right. Dolly Parton wants to betroth herself to Prince Harry and all his fondness for dressing up like the Third Reich and smoking reefers. She’ll probably fix him and get him down the plastic surgery clinic in no time, leaving our heir to the throne looking like a cross between Hitler and David Gest. Who wouldn’t want to see that on the back of bank note?
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Stephen Fry is the Dad we wished we all had here at Hecklerspray, mainly because he’s less drinky-drinky-touchy-feely than our real Dads, but also because he’s so loveable and he loves technology.
Fry has always showcased his love for technology and yesterday conducted the first ever newspaper interview via twitter, in which he used the popular but ultimately pointless and constantly broken social network to talk to the only man in the UK with a name more ridiculous than (the sparkly new editor of Hecklerspray) Mof Gimmers. The impossibly smug Johann Hari. Read More >>>
Dolly Parton has said plenty in the past, but never anything about Kenny Rogers’ beard smelling like boy cum.
However, anyone listening to Howard Stern‘s radio show last week might have got that impression. Last Tuesday Howard Stern broadcast clips from Dolly Parton’s newest audiobook, chopped up to make Dolly say all kinds of obscene things – with the line about Kenny Rogers beard probably ranking among the least offensive.
But when Dolly Parton heard about this, she was so appalled that she wrote a lengthy angry statement on her website about exactly how offended she was. Which meant that we could go onto YouTube, find a copy of Stern’s bit and publish it for you lot after the jump. We’d have never known it existed otherwise, so thanks Dolly!
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There's no way of politely putting this, so we'll just go ahead and say it – Dolly Parton's breasts are pure evil.
Alright, maybe pure evil is a bit of an overstatement – it's not like they're responsible for more than maybe five or six global atrocities – but you can't deny that Dolly Parton's breasts are a right old couple of bastards.
Why? Because Dolly Parton's boobs are so big that they've knackered her back and forced her to cancel an entire tour. Where are we supposed to get our fix of ancient, massive-boobed, rootin'-tootin' country and western music now? Keith Urban?
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The good people of Rotherham know all about famous people – after all, the town is responsible for producing not just Jive Bunny and the Chuckle Brothers but the fat bloke from Hi-de-Hi, too.
However, that's all been blown out of the water now that Dolly Parton has bewilderingly decided to use Rotherham as the UK launchpad of her new pre-school literacy drive. From now on, thanks to Dolly Parton's good work, every child born in Rotherham will receive one book a month until they are five. Sounds like a good idea, but it really isn't – what Dolly Parton doesn't know is that Rotherham is also the UK base for the Children's Picture Books For Packets Of Hard Drugs trading foundation, along with being a crucial annex of the worldwide Stack Kid's Book On Top Of Each Other Until We Get High Enough To Kill God campaign. Poor Dolly Parton, she's just a patsy in all of this.
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