This is good news, as just three months ago they’d been diminished by the encroachment of man to a population of one. It lived in a multi-level parking garage just off Sunset Blvd.

Luckily for devoted coyote enthusiasts everywhere, Sasha (that’s was the one coyote’s name. His mother was from Russia) saw the direness of his predicament, and vowed to increase his people’s population through improved diet, and a mass fertilisation of everything he ever came across.

That improved diet, by the way, included celebrity lap dogs – like the ones recently eaten right out of Paris Hilton’s backyard.

In our opinion P. Hilton shouldn’t be raising small dogs. She should adopt all those drunk elephants she cares so much about. Elephants are a far superior pet, you know. They self-clean, they’re far too big for coyotes to sneak away with in their mouths, and they pay for themselves by way of those beautiful ivory tusks.

But Hilton chooses not to invest in pachyderms, which is foolish because it’s just throwing away guaranteed money. Instead she chooses to fill her backyard poop bucket with the faeces of like 17 small dogs.

Better make that 15. Two just gotten eaten by coyotes who may or may not have been out on a sacred Indian right of passage. X17Online’s got the scoop:

“We are sad to break the news that Ms. Hilton lost two of her most beloved pets in an attack by a coyote that came down into her neighborhood during the night. Unfortunately it’s a common occurrence here in LA where homes in the hills meet with wildlife in their back yards. A source tells X17 Paris was “devastated” and that she’s been crying about it non-stop.”

Well at least one dog was spared such a horrible fate.

hecklerspray’s sources tell us this attack is extremely unusual as most coyotes observe a pretty strict vegetarian diet. The confusion seems to have set in because Hilton’s two dogs were sunning on the back deck with a green facial mask and cucumber slices where their eyes should have been.

Also they were resting in a nest made of cabbage and smelled of tofu-bacon.

That actually sounds pretty good. Throw in a fruit cup and we’ve half a mind to eat them ourselves.

Wednesday’s arrest was for speeding, but his time DMX was arrested on suspicion of animal cruelty and drug possession after a SWAT team raided his house on Friday morning and found five pit bull puppies and half a pound of cannabis.

So, to try and help east the confusion a little, we’ve come up with a little rhyme to help you keep track of DMX’s arrests: If DMX was busted Wednesday last, he’s been caught driving cars too fast; if DMX is busted on Friday morn, the partially-burnt carcasses of mistreated pets were found on his lawn. We’re available for hire, you know.

We should probably point out now that by the time you’ve finished reading this article, DMX will have probably been arrested six or seven more times, possibly for setting the moon on fire or driving a monster truck over a funeral. But for now let’s just concentrate on what we already know.

Days after he was arrested for speeding, DMX has fallen foul of the law yet again. And rather than simply drive past a speed camera like a feckless goon, this time DMX might have properly blown it for himself.

Last August, police seized 12 of DMX’s pit bulls after they were found to have been badly mistreated. Officers also seized the burnt remains of three decomposing pit bull corpses which may or may not have been mistreated depending on your views about burning decomposing dog corpses.

Anyway, on Friday morning police raided DMX’s home to arrest him after a seven-month inquiry. And, while DMX was barricading himself in his bedroom trying to avoid arrest, officers also stumbled upon half a pound of cannabis and decided to add that to their arrest list.

But it’s not all bad because, as BBC News reports, DMX’s lawyer seems to think he’ll escape the animal cruelty charge:

Mr Simmons’s lawyer, Murray Richman, said he believed evidence did not support the charges of animal cruelty, which has been a major focus of Sheriff Arpaio. “I think that the animal cruelty is not going to be able to be established and I think that this is Sheriff Joe’s moment,” he said… At the time, the rapper said he had not been at the property for at two months and a caretaker who was left in charge failed to care for them.

It’ll be interesting to see if DMX ends up charged with animal cruelty, because dogs play such a big part of his image. DMX has two albums with the word ‘Dog’ in the title, has countless songs about dogs and even makes a noise a bit like a dog whenever he gets a bit excited. And soon he could be charged with treating them inhumanely? That’s a bit unexpected. It’s like Hitler bringing out a gangsta rap album featuring songs called For My Jews and Jew Intro.

However, if DMX does wind up getting charged with animal cruelty, at least it’ll provide an answer to his often-asked question “Where my dogs at?” They’re in the garden being burnt because nobody gave them any water and they died. That’s where your dogs at, DMX.

Read more:

DMX On Animal And Drugs Charges – BBC

In western civilisation, we often raise various animals from birth and look after them until they make that sad final visit to the vet or to the toilet to be flushed away.

Other countries in the Far East also have a love for our cuddly domestic pets. The slight difference here being that they prefer to serve them up on a bed of crunchy rocket salad drizzled in sweet and sour sauce.

In pet stakes, there are two major players when it comes to the nation’s number one pet. You’re either a cat or a dog person. Everyone has their favourite and hecklerspray is no exception. We will now sum up why dogs completely rule and why cats should piss off back to the corner they came out of.

So let’s cut to the chase. Why are dogs better then cats? Basically, cats are nothing more than arrogant creatures that swan around and try and do whatever they like.

Let them out the house and they’ll bugger off for days only returning with a dead rodent as some sort of gift for you. They do want they want and only come to you for food and their belly scratched. 

Fat people have benefited hugely from dogs and the government should pay attention to our lard-busting scheme. Dogs need a lot of exercise and always want walks so they can go on a new adventure to find somewhere new and exciting to shit and piss against.

If fat people were employed to walk dogs, not only would the overgrown porkers get some much needed exercise so they’d be able to see their own cock again, but you’d keep your dog happy avoid having Simon Cowell and the other RSPCA cronies round your gaff.  

Still unconvinced? Well we’d like to point out that dogs are significantly harder working animals than cats. After your eyesight goes, you’ll need someone to help you see again. You could get one of those sticks to clear the way for you, but the troubled youth of today with their ASBOs and cheap cider will only steal it from you.

So what do you need? A helper would be good, and we don’t mean the human kind who’ll raid your bank account. More and more people use guide dogs to help them in their everyday lives.

Do you see cats doing this? Of course you don’t, they’d be no good. They’d quickly get bored and go jump in a bush consequently confusing and scaring any blind person. 

Dogs are also used in another high-ranking job – the police force. When was the last time you saw a cat being used to sniff out a drug shipment that had been cut with Oxo cubes?

Never, that’s when. These hard-working creatures will never be out of a job with the police. Be it working on the bomb squad or biting the shit out of criminals who think two legs are quicker than four. 

Even the world of animation favours dogs over cats. The list is endless. Snoopy, Scooby Doo, Muttley and Hong Kong Phooey all kick ass. What would Garfield do? Something involving pasta, probably. Pasta. Don’t even get us started on Hello Kitty. This creepy looking Japanese creation only brings joy to its fans in the form of a very weird vibrator. Snoopy would never stoop that low. Well perhaps Snoop Dogg. 

You just have to look at a dog to know that they are the better of the two. What variety of cat do we have? Brown, black, ginger and white ones? Big whoop. Fair enough, you may have tigers and other big game cats, but leave one of those in a room with little Jimmy, and the results may not end peacefully. In the dog world the critters come in all shapes and sizes to capture our hearts and make us go “aww”. Yes, even us.

From floppy-eared Bassett hounds to the very distinct looking Dalmatian, each of these breeds has their own quality. Something that a cat can’t offer. Can you put one of them in a competition that involves training it to its potential? Of course not. 

Even God knows that dogs rule supreme. Obviously his favourite animal, he named himself after his creation. Calling himself Tac would just be stupid and sounds like the name of some Jamaican street gang who’ve just settled in Liverpool. Argue with God and you’re going straight to hell. Which we can only assume is filled with cats.

We’ll let you know when we get there.