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WEBTHUMP! Tuesday 6 January 2009

by Stuart Heritage

9 – Apparently there are shipwrecks on Google Maps. Someone find us one – Informationweek

8 – Bob Dylan is a weirdo – Bite-Dose

7 – 10 things not to say to porn star – Asylum

6 – Look, here’s a freakishly obedient dog – I Am Bored

5 – We love you, Little Jean Claude Van-Damme – Totallycrap

4 – Something new to be terrified about this year: third-hand smoke – NYT

3 – 30 brilliant opening titles to movies – Smashingmagazine

2 – This just in: Darwin Award won by an idiot – Metro

1 – This really exists: the fart silencer – Weirdasianews

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Jennifer Lopez Sued Over Alleged Doggy Chomp Attack

by Stuart Heritage

Reason why Jennifer Lopez is better than you: She gets to take dogs onto planes, but you can’t even take a medium-sized bottle of Timotei.

Don’t worry about it too much though, because taking dogs onto planes has its downsides – like, for instance, when the dog goes berserk and bites a flightattendant and she falls over and hurts her back and can’t work and sues you for $5 million. That’s what a flight attendant is claiming happened when Jennifer Lopez took her German Shepherd on a flight, anyway.

The lawsuit hasn’t gone through yet, so we don’t know if this savage dog attack really happened or not. But if it did, good for Jennifer Lopez. $5 million is a small sum to pay so long as it reminds the flight attendants of the world that when Jennifer Lopez wants her complimentary peanuts, she jolly well wants them now.

Reason why Jennifer Lopez is better than you: She gets to take dogs onto planes, but you can't even take a medium-sized bottle of Timotei. Don't worry about it too much though, because taking dogs onto planes has its downsides - like, for instance, when the dog goes berserk and bites a flightattendant and she falls over and hurts her back and can't work and sues you for $5 million. That's what a flight attendant is claiming happened when Jennifer Lopez took her German Shepherd on a flight, anyway. The lawsuit hasn't gone through yet, so we don't know if this savage dog attack really happened or not. But if it did, good for Jennifer Lopez. $5 million is a small sum to pay so long as it reminds the flight attendants of the world that when Jennifer Lopez wants her complimentary peanuts, she jolly well wants them now.
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Stop Press! Legendary EastEnders Character To Be Killed Off

by Matthew Laidlow

Soap operas are brilliant aren’t they? They all give a retrospective insight into life in the various locations where they are all filmed.

In Emmerdale for instance, all the characters belong to rival farming tribes and live in the middle of nowhere. Coronation Street is full of a variety of characters, from the old, young and transsexual. But the best has to be EastEnders. It’s attempt at showing murky gangster activity is hilarious. All these soaps also have one thing in common.

It doesn’t matter how legendary a soap character is, as soon as they’ve been killed off they’ll never work on television again. For one unlucky EastEnders character, their 14-year stint is soon to be over. But who is it? Find out after the jump.

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Finally! Tatum O’Neal’s Dog Groomer Says Stuff

by hecklerspray staff

We’ve been wondering for days if Tatum O’Neal really did love her dog. Well, praise Jeebus, we have an answer!

Tatum O’Neal’s dog groomer has come along to confirm that Tatum did, in fact, love her dog, and also to defend Tatum saying that her doggy’s death was the reason for her attempted cocaine buying escapades earlier this week.

This may seem like a bunch of stupid nonsense from one deluded twit about another deluded twit who used her dead dog as a deluded, twitty excuse to buy drugs, but it’s not.

We forget why, though…

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Try To Stay Calm: Martha Stewart’s Dog Is Dead

by Stuart Heritage

Awful, awful, tragic news – Martha Stewart’s dog has passed away.

Almost 13 years old, Martha Stewart’s dog had previously been struggling with renal disease of late, but recently lost its epic battle with the illness on Saturday. The death of Martha Stewart’s job – familiar to millions of fans through countless appearances in commercials, television shows and magazines – has reportedly left Martha Stewart distraught. Out thoughts are with her.

Or at least our thoughts would be with her, but we’re too busy giggling because the dog’s name was Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow. Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow, for god’s sake. Still, at least now it’s dead Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are free to give the name to their next child without guilt.

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Nicolas Cage Officially Won’t Kidnap Your Dog

by Stuart Heritage

Of all celebrity feuds, none have been odder than the one between Kathleen Turner and Nicholas Cage about whether or not he stole someone’s chihuahua once.

It was a serious feud, too – after Kathleen Turner accused Nicolas Cage of stealing chihuahuas and drunken driving in her autobiography, Cage took her to the High Court for it.

But now it’s all come juddering to an end, with Kathleen Turner making a public apology for the claims. Thanks heavens – now we can all stop thinking of Nicolas Cage as the man who stole a chihuahua and go back to thinking of him as the man who runs up hills dressed as a bear and punches girls square in the face. It’s his comfort zone, if you will.

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Florence Henderson All Boo-Hoo About Missing Pooch

by hecklerspray staff

We just decided that there ought to be an Amber Alert for missing dogs as well as for missing kids. If there was you’d hear that ‘eeern-eeeern-eeern’ during your radio or TV programme and we’d come on and tell you about the formidable tragedy that has befallen the latest celebrity to lose a precious pet.

What? You don’t like that idea? Well, that’s okay because our main goal in life is to please Florence Henderson. And we bet she’ll be super pleased with our idea because the former Mrs. Brady’s poodle has been missing for over a week now.

So, screw the missing kids! Missing pets are where the action is at.

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Nicolas Cage Sues Kathleen Turner Over Dog-Stealing

by Stuart Heritage

To people of a certain age with very specific brain malfunctions, Nicolas Cage and Kathleen Turner are the epitome of sex and grace. So it’s a shame they’re out to get each other.

Fed up with a passage in her autobiography claiming that he’s not only a drink-driver but a brazen chihuahua-thief, Nicolas Cage has decided to sue Kathleen Turner for everything she’s got – which at the last count totalled three boxes of Serial Mom VHS tapes, some elastic-waisted jeans and half a packet of Lockets.

Still, Kathleen Turner should count herself lucky that Nicolas Cage is only suing her – it’s only common decency that’s stopping him from jumping into his old bear suit and smacking her right in the face.

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