Well it seems Jessica Simpson has finally learned to not make her pets look so delicious all the time.

No doubt right now she’s stripping all her cats out of their hamburger outfits, she’s un-plucking all her canary’s feathers and hoping the generously applied butter-baste rinses off on it’s own, and she’s gonna stop breading her still-alive goldfish every 15 minutes.

She’s not giving all this up for no good reason though – it’s because a coyote recently swooped in, picked up her pooch, and carried it off to a ferrel-dog picnic or something.

Incidentally, all this happened right before Simpson’s eyes.

Not too long ago we all laughed along as a coyote hilariously stumbled into Paris Hilton’s backyard and ate every single dog she has ever owned. Nobody’s laughing now though. Probably because authorities now believe the coyote in question may have gone serial – it’s recently run off with Jessica Simpson’s dog.

And just to avoid any confusion – when we say ‘run off with,’ we don’t mean her puppy had a thing for motorcycle riding bad boys, and as such headed off into the sunset with one. No – we don’t mean that at all. What we’re really trying to imply here is that the tiny Simpson dog was picked up by some yellowed teeth and carried off into a doggie sized rotisserie.

Probably.

Everything we know, we learned from Twitter -  Simpson’s Twitter:

“My heart is broken because a coyote took my precious Daisy right in front of our eyes. HORROR! We are searching. Hoping. Please help!”

We know what you’re thinking – ‘If Simpson was right there then why didn’t she stop the carry-off herself? After all, the most recent reports have describe her as being beefy and muscular.’ That has a simple answer, really – that being let’s see you try to stop a rollerskating coyote with an ACME rocket strapped on. Those things are fast, you know. You’d lose an arm – no matter how beefy it was.

But we have faith that the dog will turn up again, granted it’ll probably be as a white-poofed turd in the middle of the woods, but still, at least we’ll all know what happened. And then the rains will come, and the seasons will change. Eventually the fluffy white turd will melt away into the dirt from which we’ve all come. And then perhaps a seed will sprout – growing ever upwards until one day, as the wind weaves through its branches we’ll hear the faint whisper of a bark reminding us all just how this tree came to thrive.

And that, as we once learned in a cartoon, is the oval of life.

And it’d probably make a good country album. Harvest your pain, Simpson, harvest your pain and set it to a steel guitar.

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Following the hysterical splurge of affection for a man who just the day before was being mocked around the clock on Michael Jackson’s death, through the shameful ignorance shown by the general populace on Steven Wells‘ death and after the rather embarrassing position David Carradine seemed to get himself into – before dying in said position – we have been left shocked by yet another loss.

Ozzy Osbourne’s dog has been eaten by a coyote.

It’ll be alright – wipe away the tears.

The doddering metal god was saddened to learn that his little Pomeranian, Little Bit, was apparently eaten by a coyote. Why the animal thought Ozzy’s pointless excuse for a dog was something worth spending time killing we’re really not sure, but apparently that didn’t stop the demonic hound of hell.

But why didn’t the grandfather of darkness intervene and shake at the beast while swearing in an incomprehensible outburst to stop it from the (probably quite comedic to watch) mauling? Why, because he was watching the Michael Jackson memorial, of course.

So while Ozzy Osbourne was sat watching a tearful child, recently deprived of her father, speak publicly for the first time in her life – which happened to be to billions of people – one of his favourite pets was being torn to pieces by a naughty wild dog.

That’s quite possibly the saddest day that’s ever happened.

Here – look at something funny to cheer yourselves up… this will do.

A source told THE NEWS:

“Sharon and Ozzy love their dogs to bits. It’s like losing a family member. They are both devastated.”

And from the sound of things, the coyote loved it to bits too. Just for different reasons.

For anyone worried about the potential for wild animals to attack their pets – badgers are little fuckers, after all – the Department of Animal Services had these handy words at… hand:

“Wild animals are opportunistic, and coyotes fit this mould very well.”

Wild animals in ‘fitting the mould of wild animals’ shocker.

Tourists love it – and it’s the perfect setting for that Slum Dog Millionaire movie, don’t you think? You don’t think so? Well you’re not alone – all homeless Indian denigrates agree with you wholeheartedly. Enough so that they’re currently picketing outside the home of one of the film’s stars for a big budget name-change or something.

In the movie Slumdog Millionaire, there’s a scene towards the end where the entire cast gets accidentally axed to death by a blind fireman. He’s later found guilty of something or other, and gets hanged by the neck from the Mayor’s crystal chandelier. It’s a tragedy, really. Not as good of a tragedy as we would write, mind you, but a tragedy just the same. We figure that’s why people like it so much.

The western world has always welcomed cinematic sadness with open arms – think about it. That movie where the girl boxer dies on a stool or something – all countries first-world and up actually changed their constitutions to force every single person to have to watch it, by law, on their 18th birthday. Penalty for not doing so is a class c misdemeanor. It truly was great for ticket sales.

And every single movie Ben Stiller ever made – they’re all incredibly tragic. It’s a different kind of tragic, mind you, but still, they’ve made so much money that some African governments literally had to print more.

We meant ‘almost’ literally.

You know who hates tragic movies though? Poverty-stricken East Indians. They hate ‘em. Especially when they’re set in India, and the title of the movie calls their entire financial underclass ‘dogs.’ We’re talking about that insensitive Slumdog Millionaire movie. The natives in India have even been riled enough to stage protests outside the homes of at least one of the film’s actors.

You don’t believe us? Well then, believe the Associated Press:

“Several dozen Mumbai slum residents protested the award-winning film “Slumdog Millionaire” on Thursday, calling the film’s title insulting. The protest came amid mounting excitement in India _ where the movie is set and home to many of its actors _ ahead of Academy Award nominations later Thursday…”I am poor, but don’t call me slumdog,” said Rekha Dhamji, 18, one of about two dozen slum residents who protested outside the home of one of the movie’s actors, Anil Kapoor. “I don’t want to be referred to as a dog,” she said. Other protesters held up banners reading “Poverty For Sale,” and “I am not a dog.” One of them carried a puppy.”

Funny they have such a problem being called dogs when once a year or so they make all their daughters marry one. It’s true – follow the link and see. The lesson learned there is that although dogs do make excellent, caring and attentive spouses, they are still socially several steps below the extremely poor.

This makes those marriages rather tough. Imagine for a second what it would be like to be married to something so wonderful, and yet be forbidden by law from looking it in the eye.

That’s not a life most are willing to lead. Not when you’re madly in love with a cocker spaniel the way we are and always have been since we first saw Foofy in a rich man’s backyard.

We’ll always have Alpo, Foofy, We’ll always have Alpo.

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So he has. And what good cause has Mickey Rourke chosen to promote? Why, the unnecessary proliferation of dog testicles. Mickey Rourke has taken part in a PETA campaign to urge dog owners to neuter their pets.

Mickey says this is to stop the murder of millions of unwanted puppies each year, but we think differently – we think Mickey Rourke uses mashed-up dog testicles as a facial filler to mask his weird plastic surgery and that he’s on a stockpile drive.

Mickey Rourke, make no mistake, is the greatest Christmas gift we’ve ever received. Sure, we’ve seen plenty of written-off actors make spectacular comebacks in our time – like when Sylvester Stallone made Rocky Balboa or when Steven Seagal decided to set Under Siege 3 in space – but Mickey Rourke blows them all out of the water. This is for four primary reasons:

1) Mickey Rourke has won unbelievable critical acclaim for his role in The Wrestler.

2) Mickey Rourke has become one of the world’s most highly sought-after actors because of his role in The Wrestler.

3) Mickey Rourke has a face that looks like a water bomb that’s been filled with Ardennes pate and dropped down an abandoned lift shaft.

4) Now that he’s famous, Mickey Rourke won’t bloody shut up about his dogs.

This was apparent on Sunday, when Mickey Rourke essentially dedicated his Golden Globe win to all of his dead pets. But just in case that wasn’t enough, he’s now also decided to take part in a PETA campaign to encourage dog owners to castrate their pets. People reports:

Cradling his Chihuahua, Jaws, in PETA’s new ad, the actor urges people to “have the cojones to fix your dog. When dogs get knocked up, puppies get put down because there aren’t enough homes for them… The most important thing about having a dog and loving a dog is keeping the dog its whole natural life,” says Rourke, who adds that “you have a responsibility to communicate with your animal how much he means to you.”

And there was us thinking that PETA stood for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. How wrong we were – turns out it’s actually an acronym for Please Eliminate Testicles Agonisingly. We’ll remember that.

However, just because it doesn’t seem to count canine genital mutilation as cruelty, we shouldn’t write off PETA’s campaign straight away. If Mickey Rourke says that keeping the bollocks on your dog will end up with the death of some unwanted puppies, then maybe it’s our responsibility to make sure that doesn’t happen.

Also, if we do it now then PETA won’t have to resort to its plan B – Mickey Rourke’s ‘I’d Rather Go Naked Than Not Neuter My Pet’ billboard campaign. Nobody deserves to see that.

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It’s a dead dog with a sawn-open chest screaming at a man who’s having a nosebleed in the voice of David Mitchell from Peep Show. Seriously, point us towards the nearest monastery. We’ll be fine there.

9 - Apparently there are shipwrecks on Google Maps. Someone find us one – Informationweek

8 – Bob Dylan is a weirdo – Bite-Dose

7 - 10 things not to say to porn star – Asylum

6 - Look, here’s a freakishly obedient dog – I Am Bored

5 - We love you, Little Jean Claude Van-Damme – Totallycrap

4 – Something new to be terrified about this year: third-hand smoke – NYT

3 - 30 brilliant opening titles to movies – Smashingmagazine

2 - This just in: Darwin Award won by an idiot - Metro

1 - This really exists: the fart silencer - Weirdasianews

Don’t worry about it too much though, because taking dogs onto planes has its downsides – like, for instance, when the dog goes berserk and bites a flight attendant and she falls over and hurts her back and can’t work and sues you for $5 million. That’s what a flight attendant is claiming happened when Jennifer Lopez took her German Shepherd on a flight, anyway.

The lawsuit hasn’t gone through yet, so we don’t know if this savage dog attack really happened or not. But if it did, good for Jennifer Lopez. $5 million is a small sum to pay so long as it reminds the flight attendants of the world that when Jennifer Lopez wants her complimentary peanuts, she jolly well wants them now.

She might be blissfully in love with the man, but Jennifer Lopez hasn’t exactly had an easy time of it since she’s been with Marc Anthony, has she? First she had to deal with a tenuous implication with a tax scam, then a tenuous implication with a heroin dealer, and then the flipping man went and knocked her up.

But if that’s not enough, Marc Anthony has also started legally registering dogs in his name that may or may not go on to savage a flight attendant’s leg two years ago. What a sick bastard he is.

Or what an unsick non-bastard he isn’t, depending on whether the German Shepherd he owns with Jennifer Lopez ruined the professional career of flight attendant Lisa Wilson by biting her in 2006 or not.

Wilson certainly thinks it did – in a $5 million lawsuit, she’s claiming that a German Shepherd that Jennifer Lopez took onto a plane in 2006 reared up and savaged her in the leg, causing her to fall over and bugger up her back enough to get time off work as a result. The New York Daily News reports:

At first, only Lopez, was named in the court papers. But now her husband Marc Anthony has been added as a defendant after lawyers for her said he is the registered owner of the dog, called Floyd.

You what the problem is, don’t you. It’s that Jennifer Lopez isn’t playing by the rules. As a celebrity, all dogs she owns have to be small enough to fit into a handbag. Not only do they look cuter that way, but if one attacks you, you can easily break its jaw off or fling it under the wheels of an oncoming train or something.

But a German Shepherd? That’s hardly fair at all – unless of course we’ve got the wrong end of the stick and Lisa Wilson was attacked by the German man employed to look after Jennifer Lopez’s sheep. If that’s the case we’re only happy to take it all back.

It seems clear to us that if celebrity dogs are really going to start attacking flight attendants on planes, then it’s only fair that the flight attendants should be allowed to bring their own wolves onto planes to retaliate. We’ve thought this through and, although the only logical outcome of this scenario involves aeroplanes full of bears and dinosaurs attacking each other, it really is the only sensible thing to do.

Either way it’s a mess. Let’s hope Jennifer Lopez learns from this experience and restricts her future contact with animals to the ones that she mutilates purely to annoy Heather Mills. That way everyone wins.

In Emmerdale for instance, all the characters belong to rival farming tribes and live in the middle of nowhere. Coronation Street is full of a variety of characters, from the old, young and transsexual. But the best has to be EastEnders. It's attempt at showing murky gangster activity is hilarious. All these soaps also have one thing in common. 

It doesn't matter how legendary a soap character is, as soon as they've been killed off they'll never work on television again. For one unlucky EastEnders character, their 14-year stint is soon to be over. But who is it? Find out after the jump.

The most obvious EastEnders character to drown in a mouldy beer keg or vat of boiling chip fat would be serial lady loser Ian Beale. Over the years he’s married various women, had sex with prostitutes and had all sorts of arguments with resident hardman Phil Mitchell. We would have said Grant Mitchell, but he was off filming badly made programs on gangs at the time. 

So we’ve kept you in suspense for long enough, who is going to the unfortunate character to be given the chop? Well it’s someone who has never really had a home and has been passed from family to family in Albert Square. But he is no tramp or student. His storylines have seen him run over, kidnapped and, recently, traded for a pineapple.

Whilst Pat Butcher would have been a reasonable guess, it is actually Wellard the dog. 

Starting off life with the annoying Robbie Jackson, played by the really annoying Dean Gaffney, this loveable pooch occasionally pops up in the odd episode to randomly bark at strangers, dry-hump people's legs, steal sausages from the butchers and terrorise old people. Sonia and Gus have since been in charge of looking after him, but they got bored of having to clean up dog shit and passed him onto some other naive cockney resident of the square. 

Despite the show announcing the death of Wellard, it doesn’t mean he won’t come back in twenty years time as a ghost dog. Remember Dirty Den? Apparently he got shot, fell in a lake and died a bloody death. The truth of the matter is that Dirty Den is immune to bullets and didn’t die. People who say he was brought back to boost ratings are just cynical.

When he wasn’t wanking on the internet, Den came back to try and run the square. This failed and he ended up being killed again and buried in the pub cellar. We expect to see him again in 2046. 

So how will Wellard die? Details haven’t been released yet, but we are willing to bet that a Korean restaurant will buy Ian Beale’s cafe and transform it in to a snack bar using Wellard as the filling for a sandwich.  

Or he’ll just die, take your pick.

Tatum O’Neal’s dog groomer has come along to confirm that Tatum did, in fact, love her dog, and also to defend Tatum saying that her doggy’s death was the reason for her attempted cocaine buying escapades earlier this week.

This may seem like a bunch of stupid nonsense from one deluded twit about another deluded twit who used her dead dog as a deluded, twitty excuse to buy drugs, but it’s not.

We forget why, though…

Tatum O’Neal has made it abundantly clear that she has had problems with drugs and alcohol throughout her life. After winning an Oscar at the age of 10, her life has been tainted by being molested as a child, being neglected by her mother, surviving an emotionally abusive father and his bachelor ways, finding John McEnroe attractive… all sorts of travesties.

So, when Tatum O’Neal’s 16-year-old Scottish terrier, Lena, died recently, Tatum had an emotional breakdown – not to mention a complete lapse in the mental coherency that would lead pretty much every other human on the planet to not go buying illegal stuff because their pet died – she unsuccessfully tried to buy some crack.

But before you go off saying ‘A dead dog is your embarrassing excuse, Tatum?! Pah!’, let’s hear from the one true expert on the situation: Tatum’s dog groomer, Jorge Bendersky. He gave details to OK! about Tatum’s love for her ridiculously old pooch:

“She loved that dog. She would bring her here super-often. I have so many clients, I can see them going through stuff with their dog; it’s devastating. And somebody who has the inclination, or had a path with some trouble, it could push you over the edge, more when you are attached to the dog as you are.”

This is why people with substance abuse issues like Tatum should start out with a fern or a bush or something, so that when it died she’d only lose her marbles enough to try and score some pot or go sniff a jar of rubber cement glue.

As unfortunate as the situation is, it makes one wonder what she would have tried to buy if she’d lost an actual human being. Automatic weapons with armour-piercing bullets? A nuclear warhead? A box set of Drew Barrymore movies? Yes, we’re as terrified as you are. Let’s just all pray she’s better able to handle her grief should such a situation arrive.

Almost 13 years old, Martha Stewart’s dog had previously been struggling with renal disease of late, but recently lost its epic battle with the illness on Saturday. The death of Martha Stewart’s job – familiar to millions of fans through countless appearances in commercials, television shows and magazines – has reportedly left Martha Stewart distraught. Out thoughts are with her.

Or at least our thoughts would be with her, but we’re too busy giggling because the dog’s name was Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow. Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow, for god’s sake. Still, at least now it’s dead Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are free to give the name to their next child without guilt.

It’s lucky that Martha Stewart is a cyborg with a seven-lever nozzled bolted safe where her heart should be, because her dog’s just died and we hate seeing women of her age cry.

Usually Martha Stewart finds joy in whatever she does, whether it involves rowing a pumpkin across a river, enraging yokels by trademarking their town’s name or being found guilty of conspiracy, obstruction of an agency proceeding and making false statements to federal investigators by a court of law and imprisoned for five months. But not even Martha Stewart can stay happy now that her dog has died.

Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow – for that was its name, Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow – completed Martha Stewart. Where she was robotic and lifeless, he had a waggy tail. Where she possessed a steely flair for business, he liked to piss up against trees. Where she had a dry nose and a perfectly-functioning renal system, he had a wet nose and a pair of kidneys that couldn’t have been more knackered if they were made of smashed-up animal balls.

It was exactly that, we’re sad to say, was the undoing of Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow. And Martha Stewart is genuinely distraught about it, to the extent that she wrote a special blog post about it. You see, even though he was named after the noise a six-year-old boy makes if you give him a plastic gun, Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow was a loving, docile creature as Martha Stewart writes:

Paw Paw was a spectacular chow and an even more spectacular dog. He was always my loyal companion, displaying the most agreeable temperament… Beauty-Boy, Paw-Paw was elegant and kind and reserved and charming up until the very last moment. He was the only pet I ever had, with the exception of Blue Maximilian Chow Chow Chow, who was never disobedient, and never, ever, required me to raise my voice.

Yes, good old Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow and Blue Maximilian Chow Chow Chow. They were such wonderful animals. Not like all those other pets she had. They were right little fuckers.

Elsewhere in the blog post, Martha Stewart pays tribute to Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow with a series of photos captioned, as dog-lovers seem to always enjoy doing, in the dog’s own voice. And what did the dog have to say for itself according to Martha Stewart?

Martha always liked to bury in my fur. I’ll miss those hugs and kisses. She nuzzled me so gently. I’m not even dreaming anymore.

We won’t judge her. Everyone has their own way of grieving, and it seems that Martha Stewart’s involves being uncomfortably creepy. That’s just her way.

But how will Martha Stewart cope with the loss of a companion as loyal as – oh, alright, one last time – Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow? Well, perhaps she should get in contact with George Clooney. George was equally cut up when his pig died, and he found ways to get over his loss – namely by fighting with Fabio.

Yes, we’re basically saying that Martha Stewart should fight Fabio. Oh, like you wouldn’t want to see that too.

Read more:

Paw Paw: I Will Miss Him – Martha Stewart

It was a serious feud, too – after Kathleen Turner accused Nicolas Cage of stealing chihuahuas and drunk driving in her autobiography, Cage took her to the High Court for it.

But now it's all come juddering to an end, with Kathleen Turner making a public apology for the claims. Thanks heavens – now we can all stop thinking of Nicolas Cage as the man who stole a chihuahua and go back to thinking of him as the man who runs up hills dressed as a bear and punches girls square in the face. It's his comfort zone, if you will.

Nicolas Cage is a man not without his fair share of weird experiences – he's confronted naked intruders in his house, named his son after Superman and starred in films noteworthy only for the bits where he shouts "How'd it get burned? How'd it get burned? HOW'D IT GET BURNED? HOW'D IT GET BURNED?" – but if there's one thing he doesn't do, it's steal chihuahuas.

But tell that to Kathleen Turner. Now that Kathleen Turner has slowly started turning into a deep-voiced bulldog, she's found it harder and harder to get acting work. So, to keep herself busy, she recently wrote her autobiography Send Yourself Roses. Trouble is, Kathleen's memory doesn't seem to be what it was, and her memories of a youthful Nicolas Cage seem to be way off.

Kathleen Turner and Nicolas Cage worked together on Peggy Sue Got Married and – far from presenting an accurate depiction of the wide-eyed young actor who wanted nothing more than to one day make a movie that ended with him shouting "Wha! Wha! Not the bees! Not the bees! Arrrgh! My eyes! My eyes! Arrrgh! Arrrghurbhb!" – Turner's autobiography suggested that Nicolas Cage preferred to go around stealing dogs and driving drunk.

Outraged at these lies, Nicolas Cage sued Kathleen Turner for defamation and libel in February. It could have all got very messy, but now Kathleen Turner has relented and apologised, as the New York Times reports:

"Ms. Turner, 53, 'sincerely apologized' to Mr. Cage, 44, in a statement read by her lawyer on Friday in a London courtroom. Ms. Turner’s assertion, which led Mr. Cage to sue for libel, was made in Ms. Turner’s book Send Yourself Roses and was published in a London newspaper in February. Ms. Turner agreed to reimburse Mr. Cage for court costs and to make a donation to a charity benefiting victims of elder abuse. Ms. Turner’s British publisher will place an apology or correction in the book , and Associated Newspapers agreed to remove the article from its website and to publish an apology."

Although momentarily embarrassing for Kathleen Turner, this apology can only be a win-win for everyone in the long-term. Nicolas Cage gets his reputation back, sure, but this brouhaha has probably caused thousands more people to buy her autobiography, just to see what other batshit lies she makes up about famous people she knows.

However, one sad result of this lawsuit is that Kathleen Turner will no longer be making an audiobook of Send Yourself Roses. Not because of libel or anything, but because people have just worked out that her voice is now so deep that people involuntarily shit themselves whenever she speaks.

Read more:

Turner Apologises – New York Times 

What? You don’t like that idea? Well, that’s okay because our main goal in life is to please Florence Henderson. And we bet she’ll be super pleased with our idea because the former Mrs. Brady’s poodle has been missing for over a week now.

So, screw the missing kids! Missing pets are where the action is at.  

We love animals. Did you know that? Well, we do. We love animals so much that we buy little kittens and doggies that can fit in our pocket and dress them up in little sweaters and have little weddings and birthday parties and… wait, hold up. We don’t do that because animals aren’t actually people. Believe it or not, this is a concept that is often lost on some people, and these are the same people that will go to extremes Billy Joel style for their pets. Like not so long ago when talk show host Ellen DeGeneres practically burst a vital organ on her show while in hysterics about a dog that had been taken away from her friends.

Well, add Florence Henderson to the list. You remember Florence Henderson as the eerily perfect mom on the iconic 70’s sitcom, The Brady Bunch.  We owe so much to that show. It taught us that no one likes a tattler, wearing a wig does not make you less ugly, and that you still have to pretend to do yard work even if your lawn is made of Astroturf.

However, on February 12 her poodle Apple disappeared. Florence has now issued a reward and has enlisted the help of a private investigator to help try and find the pooch. But will Florence be happy with the outcome when the detective returns with photographs of Apple the poodle in the arms of another owner? Will Florence turn to murderous revenge as she hears the tapes of Apple the poodle obeying the commands of another master? This sounds like it's got the makings of a Lifetime original movie starring Valerie Bertinelli all over it. 

Okay, this whole thing is a bit sad because Apple the poodle is something of a comfort dog that goes in and cheers up sickly children during her free time on Saturdays. But you know what? Maybe Apple the poodle got sick of always cheering up others and not being cheered up herself. Did anyone think of that? Maybe Apple the poodle got tired of always having to give, give, and give and getting nothing in return. It’s just a suggestion, but Florence if you open the door and there’s a flaming bag of little poodle turds, you may want to check out our theory.

Read more: 

Florence Henderson Opens Up About Her Missing Dog – The Insider

Fed up with a passage in her autobiography claiming that he's not only a drink-driver but a brazen chihuahua-thief, Nicolas Cage has decided to sue Kathleen Turner for everything she's got – which at the last count totalled three boxes of Serial Mom VHS tapes, some elastic-waisted jeans and half a packet of Lockets.

Still, Kathleen Turner should count herself lucky that Nicolas Cage is only suing her – it's only common decency that's stopping him from jumping into his old bear suit and smacking her right in the face.

Thanks to Ghost Rider and National Treasure 2 topping the box office, it's fair to say that Nicolas Cage is at the top of his game. That's strange in itself, especially given that the latter mainly involves Cage saying a lot of words he clearly doesn't understand and wishing he could just roll around the floor screaming "Not the bees! NOT THE BEES!" at the top of his voice again.

Anyway, as a bona fide star, Nicolas Cage needs to protect his reputation. Admittedly his reputation is that of a terrible actor who names his son after Superman and goes all boogley-eyed when confronted with triplets, but that's his reputation and he needs to defend it my any means he can.

And that means that when chainsaw-voiced actresses who used to be pretty but now look kind of old and dumpy saw that Nicolas Cage possibly stole a small dog 22 years ago, he'll sue them to high heaven. A shame, because that's pretty much what Kathleen Turner claims in her autobiography Send Yourself Roses.

Discussing when she worked with Nicolas Cage on the 1986 Francis Ford Coppola movie Peggy Sue Got Married, Kathleen Turner wrote:

"Everything Francis (Ford Coppola) wanted him (Cage) to do, he went against to show that he wasn't under his uncle's wing. Which was ridiculous. Oh, that stupid voice of his and the fake teeth! Honestly, I cringe to think about it. He caused so many problems. He was arrested twice for drunk driving and, I think, once for stealing a dog. He'd come across a Chihuahua he liked and stuck it in his jacket."

And, as far as Nicolas Cage is concerned, none of that happened, and so he's launched libel proceedings against Kathleen Turner in London's High Court. Why London? It could be because Nicolas Cage has a house in England and it's closer, or it could be because British libel laws are weighted flatly in favour of the plaintiff and it would have been much harder for him to win a similar case in America.

Either way, it's so rare for celebrities to sue each other that this could be one to keep an eye on. After all, imagine if Steve Guttenburg sued Ally Sheedy for something that happened during the production of Short Circuit. That's the magnitude of we're talking about here, people.

Read more:

Nicolas Cage To Sue Turner Over 'False' Book Claims – FemaleFirst