Articles tagged with: Dog The Bounty Hunter
As anyone generally considered villainous or reprehensible will tell you, anytime they are in a bank vault with a money-stuffed laundry bag slung over their shoulder, the last thing they want to see is 'the Orange Glow.' 'The Orange Glow' is a criminal industry term for a streaked blur that swoops in and vanquishes all evil everywhere at least once daily. Some say his true identity is a mystery - unknown even to his plus-size wife. Other's say it's actually Dog the Bounty Hunter after another rejuvenating self-tan session. Speaking of which - someone recently tried to murder him.
Tucker Chapman hasn't had an easy life. Although his father is Dog The Bounty Hunter, he hasn't picked up on any hereditary traits like the orange skin, rubbish hair or underlying racism.
And when your dad is Dog The Bounty Hunter, you'd better make sure that you play by the rules, unless you want to end up with 16 gallons of bear mace shot directly into your eyes and a florescent man with the hair of a cheap 1980s stripper shouting the word 'bra' condescendingly at you.
Tucker Chapman can't have known this, though, because he's been locked up in a correctional facility for all kinds of drug-based shenanigans.
Everyone deserves a second chance, even freakish-looking giants the colour of burning magma who are just a teensy bit racist.
And that's why A&E has decided to start remaking new episodes of Dog The Bounty Hunter, months after the show was pulled off air when Dog The Bounty Hunter started chucking the n-word around in a phone conversation like Christ knows what.
Nobody is exactly sure what convinced A&E to start bringing Dog The Bounty Hunter back, but one possible clue lies in the locked cupboard full of screaming naked A&E executives who couldn't stop scratching at their burning eyes that was discovered last week. The fact that 'Give me my show back, bra' was also written on the cupboard wall in blood may be another indication.
His racist-seeming mouth may have got his TV show yanked off air, but at least Dog The Bounty Hunter is no longer a wanted man in Mexico, and how many of us can say that?
Well, all of us probably. Anyway, Dog The Bounty Hunter has lived with the threat of extradition to Mexico over his head for some time now, after an ill-advised bounty-hunting jaunt there in 2003, but now a Mexican court has dropped his charges.
Dog The Bounty Hunter's a free man again! Finally he'll be able to ditch that ridiculous disguise of his and live his life normally again.
That is a disguise, right?
As you’re all probably aware, there is a slight stink being fussed up about Dog The Bounty Hunter and what he said about his son’s girlfriend, thanks to his use of the word 'nigger' and how much it offends people.
So now you'd imagine that anyone who wants to escape with their career intact would avoid using that word in public like the plague, wouldn't you? You should try explaining that to Nas, who's decided to step into this odd situation. Not that anyone seems to have noticed, mind you. Nas is bringing out a record that's tediously called Nigger. How convenient.
If there's one thing sadder than seeing a grown man cry, it's seeing an overgrown, bright-orange man with a preposterous blonde mullet and leather waistcoat combination crying.
And if there's anything sadder than that, it's seeing an overgrown, bright-orange man with a preposterous blonde mullet and leather waistcoat combination openly wonder if he should commit suicide or bury himself in an unmarked grave like the slaves, which is how Dog The Bounty Hunter has spent most of this week to atone for the tape of him being racist about his son's black girlfriend. But even though his career is in tatters and he's become something of a public hate figure, Dog The Bounty Hunter says he's forgiven the son who shopped him in, and wants to prove his forgiveness by only spraying three full cans of bear mace into his son's face next time they meet, when the traditional family greeting involves five.
When Dog The Bounty Hunter was taped calling his son's black girlfriend a 'nigger', the global shock was palpable - not just because of the hateful language but because most people assumed that Dog The Bounty Hunter was black himself.
It's true. OK, admittedly Dog The Bounty Hunter is a 15-foot-tall, bleach-blonde mulleted redneck who makes his living shooting minor criminals in the face with bear mace and very obviously has white skin, so it might be a stretch to see Dog as black, but that's how Dog The Bounty Hunter described himself in his first post-scandal TV interview. But it's OK, because Dog The Bounty Hunter has learnt that he isn't actually black - which is good because if he was then he'd hate himself and have to spray mace at his own eyes, then manhandle himself a bit while shouting 'bra' into his own face over and over again. And that'd just be weird.
In the past when Dog The Bounty Hunter faced a problem he'd grind his scrotumy face into a snarl, spray the problem in the eyes with bear mace and repeat the word 'bra' at the problem until it started sobbing like a girl.
But some problems are just too big for one man, even a man whose arms and hair are made of asteroid rock and angel tears respectively. And ever since Dog The Bounty Hunter found a tape of himself angrily telling his son that he didn't like her girlfriend because she was a 'nigger', he knows that only too well. After A&E suspended Dog The Bounty Hunter following his racist outburst, a major company has also decide to stop advertising on his show. Still, Dog The Bounty Hunter will have the last laugh - because that advertiser is going to see its undereducated redneck demographic plummet any day now.
