Prosecutors in the Dr. Conrad Murray manslaughter trial have made moves to block all testimony related to allegations that Michael Jackson inappropriately gave “the feel” to myriad children placed in his care.

Court documents which alarmingly landed on the desks of TMZ  have suggested that prosecutors want Judge Michael Pastor to bar Steve Robel- a key Santa Barbara County Sheriff’s investigator in the 2005 MJ molestation trial- from testifying  in Murray’s defence.

In a move probably designed to drag up the molestation charges in an effort to make Jackson seem like a mentally disturbed lunatic with a penchant for the flesh of little children, Robel has been placed on the defence witness list.

Juicy.

You’ll all be pleased to hear us announce that Jackson was definitely cleared of those molestation charges and, as Michael Jackson’s passionate legion of fans are always so eager to point out to us, there have never ever been any cases where juries have got that kind of thing wrong. It’s never happened. OJ Simpson? Didn’t kill anyone!

There’s no room for speculation. Human beings are completely and utterly infallible- that’s why Dr Conrad Murray definitely killed Michael Jackson and the whole thing is a conspiracy designed to deprive the world of increasingly woeful pop music. You know… according to MJ fans. Not that we have any interest in baiting them.

Of course, it’s not enough for Steve Robel to be pulled from the defence: prosecutors want all references to alleged molestation barred from Murray’s trial, on the supposed grounds it has nothing to do with MJ’s death and would serve only sway the jury in their thinking toward the dead Moonwalker.

In addition, prosecutors have also asked the judge to block the testimony of a number of doctors who treated Michael Jackson but were not involved in caring for MJ on the day of his death on the grounds that what they might say could actually have some bearing on the case. Heaven forbid.

Judge Pastor is yet to rule on the motions but when he does, he’s expected to decide based on the way they make him feel.

Still, as Michael Jackson’s fans are so fond of pointing out, we don’t have any reason to be commenting on something like this. Given that we’re neither fans of Michael Jackson, systematic delusion or manslaughter; we don’t really know or care about it.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

If you’re a fan of George Clooney and you miss the days when he used to cut people open so he could more accurately shift their innards around – have we got good news for you!

No, we’re not talking about every single girl he dated in the eighties and their wild accusations against him – if they exist at all. We’re talking about him making a bold return to ER – that Doogie Howser spin-off with an all grown-up cast.

You see, as we heard it he’s short on cash, and he became so right in the middle of a driveway repaving. That’s when ER execs swooped in with several individually wrapped dollar bills to impress him with.

Last time G. Clooney was in a hospital it was because he was trying to jump his girlfriend with a motorbike or something. He lost control, swerved into several hundred pigs, and then broke all his favourite ribs in the ensuing stampede.

All of our lives would be far more interesting were even a little of that true.

Next time he’s in a hospital, however, it’ll be on his terms. Also the hospital will be far more TV set-ish than an actual hospital – that’s because he’s returning to ER for a super crummy ‘remember when he was here’ episode. If E! Online is to be believed:

“Sources tell E! News that George Clooney will be shooting scenes this week for an upcoming episode of the hit medical series, which is in its 15th and final season on NBC. The network recently ordered up another three episodes of its stalwart Thursday-night drama, raising hopes that nabbing Clooney for a guest spot was one of the reasons for the extension.”

It’ll be interesting to see how they bring Clooney’s character back, seeing as how last time we saw him he was in the bottom of a Transylvanian death-pit thoroughly impaled on several large, wooden stakes.

Wait, is that true? We’ve no idea actually – we tend to remember things far more interesting than they actually were. For instance, did you know Obama ate his twin while still in the womb? Also, Greta Van Susteren once tore the jaws off of two teenage tigers and used them to scale a very tall glass building. It was during sweeps week.

We would have watched that 1000 times over.

Nobody’s quite sure when Clooney’s episodes will air, but we’re sure his mother is sitting eagerly in her barcalounger with a shaky finger hovering over the DVR record button just in case word comes.

If he was our son, we’d probably be doing the same.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

This is a bit of a secret, so keep it under your hats, but apparently Paul McCartney is quite good at music.

That’s not because Paul McCartney was one of the principle songwriters in the world’s biggest-ever band, mind you. No, it’s because Paul McCartney has now been given an honorary Doctor of Music degree from Yale University. Just an honorary one, mind you – Paul McCartney isn’t that good at music.

Despite the token nature of the doctorate, Paul McCartney’s new title means that he now gets to fist-fight Dr Fox to determine who has the most pointlessly hokey medical-sounding title. Careful, Sir Paul – Foxy fights dirty, plus you’re really bloody old. The odds aren’t looking great.

If you’d fallen off a ladder and snapped your leg in 16 places, who would you want rushing to help you – an actual doctor or a wobbly-headed old man who looks more and more like your dead grandmother with every passing day and once wrote a song about some happy frogs?

Of course you’d want the froggy old man, because real doctors are inherently untrustworthy and there’s a chance that the old man would amputate your leg, marry you then divorce you a few months later and give you millions of quid. But only if he’s Paul McCartney, mind you – it’s less likely to happen if he’s the scary old granny tramp who sleeps outside Argos and scream-sings an improvised song called Happy Frogs (Crawling Out Of My Arse) at strangers all day.

Anyway, this is all just a long-winded way of saying that Paul McCartney is Yale University’s newest honorary doctor of music. The Associated Press reports:

Yale said the 65-year-old McCartney awakened a generation, giving a fresh sound to rock and roll and to rhythm and blues. Yale University President Richard Levin evoked some of the songwriter’s most memorable lines. “Here, there and everywhere,” Levin said, quoting a line from a Beatles song, “you have pushed the boundaries of the familiar to create new classics. We admire your musical genius and your generous support of worthy causes.”

Levin then added “Plus you aren’t dead like John Lennon. Seriously, he’d have got this title years ago if he was still alive.”

However, after the year that he’s had – what with his divorce from Heather Mills and his heart surgery and his multitude of alleged sexual liaisons with women young enough to be his daughter – Paul McCartney needed cheering up, and if it took an ego-boosting but ultimately worthless publicity stunt by an American university to do so, then so be it.

Plus, for all his awards and record sales and increasingly legendary status as a musician and songwriter, Paul McCartney never gained any formal qualifications for his music, but at least that can change now. Paul McCartney is now a genuine music graduate, which means he can now follow the path of millions of music graduates before him.

That’s so long as Superdrug will employ a Saturday boy his age, of course.

Priscilla Presley is gloriously unique – as things stand, she's the only woman in the world who's been in a Naked Gun film, married Elvis Presley and had Argentinian auto engine lubricant injected into her face.

Priscilla Presley had Argentinian auto engine lubricant injected into her face, did we mention that? We did? Oh good.

We should probably point out that Priscilla Presley had it done by accident by a dodgy male prostitute who pretended to be a cosmetic surgeon and told her it was better than Botox. But we should only point that out because it sounds hilarious and not because it's agonising and has ruined Priscilla Presley's life and stuff, which it probably has, to be honest.

You have to feel for the Presleys at the minute. As well as knowing that nothing they can ever do can even come close to matching any of Elvis Presley's accomplishments, even though he died on the pooper, they seem to be slowly morphing into creatures that barely even look human.

First Lisa Marie Presley got pregnant and put on so much weight that she ended up suing anyone who called her fat, and now her mother Priscilla Presley has problems of her own. You see, to look at Priscilla Presley at the moment, you'd think she was auditioning for the Eric Stoltz role in the upcoming theatre musical Mask: The Gender-Confused Sexagenarian Years. It's all weird and bulbous and, unlike Lisa Marie, Priscilla doesn't have "I'm pregnant, you insensitive bastards!" as a retort for looking that way.

And, as we may have already said, that's because a male Argentinian hooker injected engine lubricant into her face. TMZ reports:

Priscilla went to Dr. Daniel Serrano around 2003. Serrano was a good-looking doc from Argentina who hooked into Hollywood's social A-list and started giving them what he claimed were miracle injections that worked better than Botox. In fact, Serrano was injecting industrial, low-grade silicone similar to what's used to lubricate auto parts in Argentina into the faces of these women… The injections caused lumps, paralysis and holes in the faces of some of the women (and some men) he injected.

Ah, the old 'better than Botox' claim. When will these elderly women realise that nothing on earth is better than Botox, because having a frighteningly fixed expression all the time thanks to some bloke injecting a load of botulism into your face is as good as it gets, baby. 

It's not just Priscilla Presley who let the hooker pump silicon into her face – Larry King's wife and Lionel Richie's ex-wife have also been named as victims of the hole-faced engine lubricant injection scam as well. Dr Serrano – who doesn't even have a medical license in America – was indicted for smuggling, sent to prison, released and is now under investigation by immigration officials.

Meanwhile Priscilla Presley is reported to be undergoing corrective surgery for all the cock-ups that have happened on her face. It's unknown what this procedure will involve, but let's hope for her sake that it involves tattooing 'don't let Argentinian prostitutes inject engine lubricant into your face again you massive idiot' backwards onto her retina so it's all she ever sees for the rest of her stupid life.

Read more:

Priscilla Presley Victim of Phony Cosmetic Doc – TMZ 

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

This week: Aliens/The Unexplainable

Every year there are thousands of people around the globe who claim to be abducted, and to have had alien technology embedded under their skin. Go to a surgeon with a story like that and you'll probably be laughed out of the office – unless of course, you happen to be in the waiting room of Dr Roger Leir. He claims to have removed about a dozen of these implants from people's bodies.

Not only that, but he also claims some of these things emit radio signals – and some of them have even moved themselves to avoid being taken out. Coast to Coast host George Noory was an eyewitness to that last bit.

The world is filled with kooks. At least that's a pretty safe assumption for people claiming to have been abducted by ETs. Dr. Roger Leir actually agrees with this for the most part. What this means is that just because someone enters his office with tales of alien woe, it doesn't mean he'll believe you – but he will listen.

He'll listen because on several occasions he's actually removed unnaturally present devices from under people's skin. As Wikipedia puts it:

"American podiatrist Dr. Roger Leir claims to have recovered about a dozen such implants from people's bodies. He claims that these implants have unusual characteristics, including emitting radio signals, and moving independently under subjects' skin."

Leir's work is renowned enough to have earned him guest spots on several episodes of radio program Coast to Coast. Once he even invited host George Noory to attend an implant removal. The C2C website sums the event up best:

"The operation, of which an audio portion was played on the show, proved to be difficult, Dr. Leir said, as the implant seemed to move every time they attempted to dislodge it. Leir and his associates were aided by the use of a fluoroscan, which allowed them to view the small metallic object during the procedure."

The subject of the operation was a woman named Brenda. A 3-4 mm piece of metal was removed from her body. She came on the show to tell her story, you can hear it in our 'read more' link down below.

The question here is definitely not whether or not Leir is actually removing anything from these people. The operations seem to be generally video taped to provide sufficient proof of this. The question would be whether these things are just slivers of Earthly metals, or alien devices jammed in by extra terrestrials.

Once removed the pieces have been sent out for analysis, and lab results seem to imply the metal compromising the implants are not from around here. It's hard to say everything this would seem to imply. It's also hard to say we believe the 'metal from outer space' thing without knowing the credentials and the exact findings of the examining labs.

One things for sure though – everyone who's had something removed has gone in because they thought they'd been abducted and implanted. When scanned they all had something strange and metallic in them. What are the chances of that?

Read More:

Alien Implant Removal Surgery – Coast to Coast

Now that the death of Kanye West's mother Donda West is starting to sink in, the time for blaming people can begin in earnest – and that's not such good news for Dr Jan Adams.

With all signs currently suggesting that Donda West died from complications arising from a simple tummy-tuck procedure, it seems as if Jan Adams – the surgeon who operated on Donda West – would be the natural choice to bear the brunt of the blame. But remember that Donda apparently had a pre-existing medical condition, and that no surgical procedure is ever routine, so it's unfair to lay her death at the surgeon's feet so early on. What's that? Dr Jan Adams has a history of malpractice suits and a medical board tried to revoke his license because he kept getting arrested for DUI? Well in that case it's perfectly fine to blame him.

Plus Jan Adams hosted NBC's male version of The View. The bastard!

There's still a large amount of shock over the tragic, untimely death of Donda West, former chairwoman of Chicago State University's English department and mother of Kanye West. Fans of Kanye West are shocked for their idol, people who knew Donda West personally are stunned that she died so early and regular cosmetic surgery patients must be questioning the safety of the profession now.

Although the real cause of Donda West's death won't be discovered for another six to eight weeks following the results of yesterday's autopsy, it does seem as though complications stemming from her tummy-tuck operation are what killed her. One plastic surgeon has already come forward to say that he previously refused to operate on Donda West because of an existing medical condition, but that didn't seem to stop Dr Jan Adams from having a pop – and that's why the media currently has him as its number one scapegoat.

But of course people were going to start blaming Jan Adams for Donda West's death – if she died after surgery then it's only natural to blame the surgeon – but luckily Dr Jan Adams has a squeaky-clean medical record that should absolve him of any wrongdoing.

Except, actually he hasn't.

It turns out that Dr Jan Adams – who some of you may recognise as the host of Discovery Health's Plastic Surgery: Before and After show, or from his frequent appearances on Oprah, or from his book Everything Women of Color Should Know About Cosmetic Surgery – has constantly been in trouble with the law, and the Medical Board Of California, over his 'multiple' DUI cases. If that wasn't enough, stories of his questionable methods are now constantly being released, like the woman who sued him for malpractice because he left a sponge inside her, the woman who sued him because she says he got her drunk and knocked her up, with other malpractice claims made about Jan Adams' tummy tucks, breast augmentations and liposuction coming out at an unstoppable rate.

All that plus Jan Adams' ex-girlfriend had to get a restraining order out against him. 

As for Donda West specifically, it's been suggested that Jan Adams too eight hours to operate on her – twice as long as usual, suggesting that something may have gone wrong during the operation. And then, once the procedure was over, sources are claiming that Adams sent Donda home instead of a recovery facility.

It might turn out to be the case that Dr Jan Adams did nothing wrong at all during Donda West's tummy-tuck, but we still wouldn't like to be in his shoes at the moment. Especially if he's operated on his own feet in the past because, with his record, there's a chance they'd look like giant clumps of ham. And that'd make wearing shoes awfully uncomfortable.