Damn it. DAMN IT. Daisy Lowe and Matt Smith have only gone and split up! And broken each other’s hearts and stopped putting aromatic lotions on each other! And frittered away 18 months of honing the beauty of a perfectly entwined soul that came as one when once their eyes first met at presumably a GQ event, but not that that matters, because minor details are futile when you think of the devotion and unity that two people can sha…
Okay, we’re faffing. Not the time to faff, clearly.
So, alright. This has happened. This has happened, and now we have to deal with it. Well, we know what you want. You want the official statement to try and understand why this has happened. WHY? Why NOW, so close to Christmas? Why now, so soon after the emotional minefield of Olly Murs’ Children in Need video?
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Doctor Who has always been a quirkfest, with machines that don’t work properly, stupidly long scarves, baddies that look like bits of tinfoil and something preposterously called ‘a sonic screwdriver’.
Really, The Doctor is, of all the heroes, the most nauseatingly twee. He’ll be playing a bloody ukulele next. A sonic ukulele no doubt.
Anyway, thank frig the Americans have shown up to save this sorry franchise with some razzle and dazzle. That’s right! America will be getting their hands on Doctor Who and making the explosions bigger, the Doctor more handsome, throwing in a sex scene or two and making him have a proper spaceship as opposed to a stupid telephone box. WHO EVEN USES TELEPHONE BOXES ANYMORE? HAVEN’T THE WRITERS HEARD OF MOBILE PHONES?
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Yesterday, we completely forgot to write about Karen Gillan being found naked on the floor of a hotel in New York. Despite the fact it is quite literally yesterday’s news, everyone still seems to be talking about it today.
So of course, not wanting to miss out on that lovely traffic, invariably being swept up by slow-reacting newspapers that only grabbed a hold of the story today, we’re going to write about it as well.
So yeah. Karen Gillan. Naked. A Doctor Who companion with no clothes on, like that woman who got naked with a Dalek that one time.
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Not everyone loves Doctor Who, but it is pretty safe to assume that the show has a special place in everyone’s heart. And Amy Pond (played by Karen Gillan) is really, really fit. If you don’t agree, then you should be dragged away to have all the skin slapped off you.
Of course, the Doctor Who Christmas Special sends Whovians into such a frenzy that it makes them socially awkward, leaving them to burrow away in their rooms masturbating over fan-art in their soiled bedrooms.
And so, we’ve got some clips to whet your appetites and possible dampen your undercarriages for Doctor Who: A Christmas Carol. Read More >>>
Sonic screwdrivers out – here’s the sexiest Doctor Who companions.
And for those of you who thought the hottest creatures in the universe to follow the Doctor around before Billie Piper was the Daleks, we have some good news – the 953-year-old has been grooming young hotties for years.
In fact, some are so sexy they have been known to attract the occasional roving eye of even the most mean-hearted Cyberman.
But who are the hottest companions to melt the Doctor’s two hearts? Well, after several evenings armed only with DVD box sets and several boxes of tissues, Hecklerspray has come up with the answer.
Here we go.
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Right. Nerds. Listen up. Read these words. SPOILER! SPOILER! POTENTIAL SPOILER! SPOILER! OI! SPOILER ALERT! SPPPPOOOOIIIIILLLEER! Okay? Now, if one of you whines and bitches about having your rubbish life turned upside down by some rumour about a TV show, you’re an idiot.
Now we’ve got the pleasantries out of the way, we are now faced with the obligatory filler which often starts articles like this because you can’t give any clue to spoilery future events at the start of an article because people might see it by accident. This means, a whole bunch of pointless words to carry you to a sufficient place where a page break can be put in place, so that readers can then make the decision of whether or not they want to hear a bit of gossip.
In this case, it revolves around Doctor Who and a character being killed off, as the headline suggests. Read More >>>
10 – Doctor Who goes to Glastonbury, dances like a twonk – Watch With Mothers
9 - If someone yawns when you talk to them, it means they fancy you. Needless to say, this makes us the sexiest group of people on the planet – Asylum
8 – Kristen Stewart in bizarre ‘smiling’ incident - AmyGrindhouse
7 - Bored of Rock Paper Scissors? Good, us too. That’s why, from now on, we’ll be playing Robot Pirate Ninja Zombie Monkey. Ninja beats pirate, by the way – Geekologie
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Stephen Fry isn’t what you’d call the most obstreperous of inhabitants of Celebrity World.
Apart from when he got a mighty huff on when some puny worm dared to go onto Twitter and call him a “tedious monolith” (or whatever), he tends to keep his own counsel and keep his slagging to a minimum, preferring instead to work on being the affable gay uncle of the whole of Britain. In fact, getting a sharp word against you from Fry would be rather like a flamboyantly-waistcoated, bespectacled and gently avuncular Beatrix Potter bear abruptly giving you the finger.
But his recent speech at BAFTA seemed to bring out his big old bitch side, as he bemoaned the infantilism of British television, dismissing such gleaming jewels in the Beeb’s programming crown as Doctor Who and Merlin as “children’s programmes” and comparing their pappy charms to evil, delicious junk food.
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