In today’s world of boring, pointless, vapid celebrities mincing around never doing anything, not causing any trouble and generally being thoroughly boring you could be forgiven for thinking that the entertainment that we, the public, rightly deserve from these fools is never going to come our way.

Then DMX goes and gets a mega-whammy of arrests for a number of different reasons – granted, he’s not going around stabbing people, but he is doing things that we’re allowed to take the piss out of. Which is clearly much better for us.

The most recent of DMX’s failures to obey the law came about when the rapper didn’t really manage to appear in court for an earlier arrest. Instead he went to hospital. Close, but not quite the right building. Must try harder.

DMX, known to people who don’t want to dignify that ‘name’ by actually using it as Earl Simmons, was lingering about a Wal-Mart, possibly trying to cause more mayhem involving drugs and stuff, when the police acted on a warrant and brought the vagabond in for his no-show.

The original charges levelled against Earl were related to possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia, though reports this consisted of a T-shirt with the slogan “DMX Likes Pot” on it and a matching headband were unconfirmed at the time of going to press.

Needless to say though, these are definitely serious charges and ones sure to cement Simmons’ reputation as a bad boy on the rap scene. Or just a bloke who had some weed on him and got caught. Either way, he’ll be known as… a man… who did something.

DMX is also waiting on the outcomes of a few other cases, involving animal cruelty and identity fraud, amongst others. Come to think of it, we do remember receiving an email from an ‘American prince’ the other month, but we didn’t actually put two and two together until now. He offered us the chance to “Party Up” if we gave him all of our savings.

Naturally we did, but this ‘Prince of DMXia’ never got back to us. It all makes sense now. But why he would want to take on the identity of the amorphous blob that is hecklerspray we do not know. Maybe the life of alleged crime is too much for the poor dear.

It’s not the first time the X-ey one has faced charges – he was cleared of rape, a stabbing, impersonating an FBI agent and some other pretty comical charges like ‘mischief’. We didn’t know you could be arrested for behaving like a nine-year-old boy, but hey ho – at least he’s keeping his part of the bargain up and actually offering us some entertainment in his private life.

It would appear that outside of allegedly committing crimes, DMX is the only artist to have five consecutive albums debut at number one on the Billboard chart. (Alleged) crime does pay, it would seem.

Try telling that to DMX, though. He’s currently up to his eyeballs in trouble – for just about every illegal activity that a human being is capable of committing – but he still had time to lighten the mood outside court yesterday with an inspirational freestyle that we think was possibly about being a good person.

True, bellowing “stand for something or fall for everything!” at some bewildered reporters to the rhythm of some sort of weird internal metronome might not seem like the best way for DMX to solve his problems, but at least it’s a step up from his usual rapping style, which tends to involve screaming “I smell pussy!” at the top of his voice and then barking like a dog for an hour.

DMX is widely regarded as an inspirational figure. He certainly is here at hecklerspray – the centrepiece of our office is a giant motivational poster featuring the phrase “The power of imagination makes us infinite” superimposed over a still of DMX angrily shouting at a car’s steering wheel from his X Gon Give It To Ya video.

That’s why DMX is dedicated to spreading his euphoric inspirational message to the biggest audience possible. But, having converted fans of gormlessly derivative hip-hop and straight-to-DVD action movies to his cause, DMX needed to break the ceiling and speak to the mass media.

Where can you usually find the mass media? Outside a court, that’s where. How do you get to stand outside a court? By just going up to a court and standing around outside it? No, that’s too route one for DMX – he decided that the best way to stand outside a court would be to get arrested for something.

So he did – DMX got arrested for driving badly and not wearing a seatbelt on a plane and hiding a gun under a car seat and faking his identity to avoid paying a hospital bill and burning the starving corpses of some dogs in his garden. Notice that DMX didn’t get arrested for being raped in his sleep by a woman. He tried, but apparently that isn’t even illegal.

Anyway, the plan worked. Yesterday DMX went to Maricopa County Superior Court in Phoenix for the identity theft arrest and, after pausing briefly to plead not guilty, rushed outside to give his long-awaited motivational rap to the awaiting media and thus the world. According to Reuters, that rap went something like this:

“If and when you ever fall down, get back up, drop something, stop fretting, pick that shit back up. Stand for something or fall for everything, wait for the right pitch or miss with every swing.”

And if you’ve felt a unexplained lightness in your step today, or the feeling of pressure being lifted from your shoulders, or the inexplicable urge to whistle a happy ditty on the way to work this morning, that’s why. Because DMX told you to pick some shit up yesterday.

You may thank DMX however you want for this. He’d probably prefer cash.

But until then DMX will just keep blundering through life breaking laws and getting arrested with such dizzying frequency that all the different arrests just sort of blur into one giant meta-arrest that’ll one day take on a life of its own and destroy gravity or something. Which is what happened to DMX this weekend, more or less.

Surprise surprise, DMX has been arrested again. This time, however, is special. This time DMX was arrested for using a fake name and social security number to avoid paying a hospital bill. Just one more arrest this year and DMX will have scored himself the title of Most Pointlessly Illegal Rapper Alive. Eat it, Busta Rhymes!

There are basically two types of criminal in the world – evil, facially-scarred criminal masterminds who test the world’s notions of good and evil via a series of diabolical life or death morality games conceived to lure the Batman out of hiding, and really stupid criminals who only get arrested because they’re massive idiots.

Guess which one of these DMX is.

That’s right. DMX doesn’t break the law because he’s evil. All DMX wants is to paint the world rainbow-coloured with his sunny feelgood hits like Fuck Y’All, Kiss Of Death and Keep Your Shit The Hardest. Problem being, of course, that DMX is an idiot.

Since hecklerspray started, DMX has been arrested for an endlessly mind-boggling array of utterly pointless crimes. Like the time he crashed his car and told everyone that he was in the FBI.

Or the time that he didn’t want to fasten his seatbelt on a plane.

Or the time that he hid a gun from some police officers in a breathtakingly cack-handed way.

Or the time that police discovered the partially-burnt corpses of several malnourished dogs in his garden.

We could go on. But the point is that DMX is hardly a Bond villain, is he? Unless Quantum Of Solace turns out to be about 007 chasing a slightly dim rapper who tried to avoid paying a hospital bill in a really stupid way.

Because that’s what DMX has been arrested for this time. According to reports, DMX was arrested on suspicion of felony identity theft on Saturday after he attempted to give a fake identity and social security number to the hospital that treated him for pneumonia back in April.

DMX was arrested for this offence at a shopping mall in Phoenix but, before he was hauled off to the police station, DMX did perhaps the funniest thing anyone has ever done during an arrest. E! Online has details:

As he was being carted off by officers, the rapper turned to the hastily congregated group of local news cameras, said, “harrassment,” and shook his head.

Genius. Anyway, since this is the fifth time that DMX has been arrested within the space of three months, there’s every chance that he could wind up in jail if he’s convicted. That would be an absolute outrage, because pithy celebrity news blogs like us rely on DMX’s continued arsefaced stupidity for our livelihood.

What if DMX goes to jail? What will we have left to write about then? The occasional in-cell stabbing? A violent bumming or two? That’s boring. Free DMX! Or send him to jail. In retrospect we don’t actually care that much.

Wednesday’s arrest was for speeding, but his time DMX was arrested on suspicion of animal cruelty and drug possession after a SWAT team raided his house on Friday morning and found five pit bull puppies and half a pound of cannabis.

So, to try and help east the confusion a little, we’ve come up with a little rhyme to help you keep track of DMX’s arrests: If DMX was busted Wednesday last, he’s been caught driving cars too fast; if DMX is busted on Friday morn, the partially-burnt carcasses of mistreated pets were found on his lawn. We’re available for hire, you know.

We should probably point out now that by the time you’ve finished reading this article, DMX will have probably been arrested six or seven more times, possibly for setting the moon on fire or driving a monster truck over a funeral. But for now let’s just concentrate on what we already know.

Days after he was arrested for speeding, DMX has fallen foul of the law yet again. And rather than simply drive past a speed camera like a feckless goon, this time DMX might have properly blown it for himself.

Last August, police seized 12 of DMX’s pit bulls after they were found to have been badly mistreated. Officers also seized the burnt remains of three decomposing pit bull corpses which may or may not have been mistreated depending on your views about burning decomposing dog corpses.

Anyway, on Friday morning police raided DMX’s home to arrest him after a seven-month inquiry. And, while DMX was barricading himself in his bedroom trying to avoid arrest, officers also stumbled upon half a pound of cannabis and decided to add that to their arrest list.

But it’s not all bad because, as BBC News reports, DMX’s lawyer seems to think he’ll escape the animal cruelty charge:

Mr Simmons’s lawyer, Murray Richman, said he believed evidence did not support the charges of animal cruelty, which has been a major focus of Sheriff Arpaio. “I think that the animal cruelty is not going to be able to be established and I think that this is Sheriff Joe’s moment,” he said… At the time, the rapper said he had not been at the property for at two months and a caretaker who was left in charge failed to care for them.

It’ll be interesting to see if DMX ends up charged with animal cruelty, because dogs play such a big part of his image. DMX has two albums with the word ‘Dog’ in the title, has countless songs about dogs and even makes a noise a bit like a dog whenever he gets a bit excited. And soon he could be charged with treating them inhumanely? That’s a bit unexpected. It’s like Hitler bringing out a gangsta rap album featuring songs called For My Jews and Jew Intro.

However, if DMX does wind up getting charged with animal cruelty, at least it’ll provide an answer to his often-asked question “Where my dogs at?” They’re in the garden being burnt because nobody gave them any water and they died. That’s where your dogs at, DMX.

Read more:

DMX On Animal And Drugs Charges – BBC

But one other place where you don’t want to see DMX is anywhere where he has access to a car. Because, by christ, DMX is a titting maniac when he gets behind the wheel of a car. DMX has already been arrested perhaps a million times in the past for driving like a berserk twonk, and now he’s flipping well at it again.

DMX has been arrested for bombing up and down an Arizona freeway at 114mph. There’s just something so warmly familiar about hearing that DMX has been driving like a dickhead again, isn’t there? It’s like putting on a comfortable pair of slippers, albeit a large metal and glass pair of slippers on wheels that are being driven by a monumental turdhole.

The thing we like best about DMX is his stunning versatility. It applies to everything in his life, you see – one minute he’ll be singing a song called Fuck Y’All, then he’ll flip reverse it and sing a song called We Don’t Give A Fuck. Or take DMX’s films – one day he might decide to make a hopelessly generic low-budget straight-to-DVD action thriller like Death Toll, then he’ll decide to make a hopelessly generic low-budget straight-to-DVD action thriller like Never Die Alone.

And this extraordinary versatility extends to DMX’s criminal record, too. You just never know which crazy way DMX will choose to break the law at any given moment in time. On the one hand he might refuse to wear a seatbelt in an aeroplane, but on the other the decomposing corpses of his inhumanely treated pet dogs might be burnt in an attempt to fend off animal cruelty accusations. You just never know with that crazy kid.

Mainly, though, DMX will break the law with a car if he gets the chance. He doesn’t care what sort of car, so long as it’s got wheels and can easily be used to do whatever cack-headed illegal whim he can think of. You name it – be it driving on a suspended license or hiding a gun under the seat or crashing it and then claiming he’s an FBI agent – if it involves a car and is deeply moronic, DMX can be sure to have done it.

And this time DMX has managed to get arrested for driving his car at almost twice the speed limit in Arizona. And he would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those pesky clearly-marked speed cameras everywhere. Reuters reports:

Simmons, 37, is accused in the January 21 incident of racing on a highway, reckless driving, two counts of endangerment, three counts of speeding and driving on a suspended license. “Criminal speeding endangers the lives of everyone on the road,” said Roger Vanderpool, state Department of Public Safety director, in a prepared statement. “Mr. Simmons wasn’t signalled out because of his notoriety.”

Although the sheer frequency of car-based arrests DMX has found himself with suggests that any punishment he receives will be harsh, hopefully it won’t involve DMX having his car taken away from him. Cars run through DMX’s veins. Literally, he has abnormally wide veins. Anyway, you know what DMX is without a car in his life? Ja Rule, that’s what. Terrifying.

And, besides, if DMX isn’t allowed to repeatedly break the law in his car any more, then what’ll he do? Get sleep-raped by more women? Come on!

Read more:

Rapper DMX arrested for racing car on Ariz highway – Reuters

When they finally flew away we were stranded two states to the south from where we were when it started with only a tattered Italian motorcycle jacket and some wing-shaped facial bruises. Our subliminal self-defence mechanism has helped us block out a lot of what happened – but three weeks later we laid a freaking egg. We're just saying.

Because of this experience we can kind of but not really relate to how DMX must have felt after some woman raped him while he was only trying to sleep with a window-breeze regulating the temperature of his exposed man-parts. We can't totally relate, mind you, because a judge never summarily called our account fictitious and then awarded all those geese something like a million and a half dollars.

But aside from that we know exactly what the man's going through.  

In a 2006 issue of a magazine called Sister 2 Sister, DMX and his wife generously granted an interview wherein the topic of a woman who'd fairly recently given birth to his child came up. To this, the rapper gave this tremendous quote:

"She raped me… That might sound like some bullshit, [but] is that the only thing in the world that's not possible? Because when I sleep, my [penis] be out… DNA says it is [my child]. I don't know… If I did [have sex with her], I would remember. It ain't like she's a pretty girl."

When asked by hecklerspray why he wouldn't use his powers to metamorph into a dog and get the heck out of there, no answer was given. DMX's wife did comment on the matter though. She said:

"I felt like [the trial] did bring us closer."

Whether the couple's new closeness happened before or after the judge ruling over a lawsuit by the accused DMX sleep-rape woman decided that DMX had to pay his alleged assailant a little more than $1.5 million is unknown.

What is known is that the hip-hopper is very concerned about his dogs.

Read More:

DMX Ordered To Pay $1.5 Million In Damages To Son's Mother – MTV News