DMX Arrested Again, Again, Again, Again, Again, Again, Again… Again. Well thank all that is good and right in the world for DMX. In today's world of boring, pointless, vapid celebrities mincing around never doing anything, not causing any trouble and generally being thoroughly boring you could be forgiven for thinking that the entertainment that we, the public, rightly deserve from these fools is never going to come our way. Then DMX goes and gets a mega-whammy of arrests for a number of different reasons - granted, he's not going around stabbing people, but he is doing things that we're allowed to take the piss out of. Which is clearly much better for us. The most recent of DMX's failures to obey the law came about when the rapper didn't really manage to appear in court for an earlier arrest. Instead he went to hospital. Close, but not quite the right building. Must try harder.

DMX Treats Court To A Lovely Singsong No matter how bad things get, you can always make them better with a song - unless you're on trial in court, because that would just be stupid. Try telling that to DMX, though. He's currently up to his eyeballs in trouble - for just about every illegal activity that a human being is capable of committing - but he still had time to lighten the mood outside court yesterday with an inspirational freestyle that we think was possibly about being a good person. True, bellowing "stand for something or fall for everything!" at some bewildered reporters to the rhythm of some sort of weird internal metronome might not seem like the best way for DMX to solve his problems, but at least it's a step up from his usual rapping style, which tends to involve screaming "I smell pussy!" at the top of his voice and then barking like a dog for an hour.

DMX Arrested. Again. Snore One of these days, we swear to god, DMX is going to do something within the confines of the law - and that'll be a story. But until then DMX will just keep blundering through life breaking laws and getting arrested with such dizzying frequency that all the different arrests just sort of blur into one giant meta-arrest that'll one day take on a life of its own and destroy gravity or something. Which is what happened to DMX this weekend, more or less. Surprise surprise, DMX has been arrested again. This time, however, is special. This time DMX was arrested for using a fake name and social security number to avoid paying a hospital bill. Just one more arrest this year and DMX will have scored himself the title of Most Pointlessly Illegal Rapper Alive. Eat it, Busta Rhymes!

DMX Arrested Again, For Just About Everything We know this is confusing, but sit tight and we'll try and explain - although DMX was arrested on Wednesday, he's now been arrested for something else entirely. Wednesday's arrest was for speeding, but his time DMX was arrested on suspicion of animal cruelty and drug possession after a SWAT team raided his house on Friday morning and found five pit bull puppies and half a pound of cannabis. So, to try and help east the confusion a little, we've come up with a little rhyme to help you keep track of DMX's arrests: If DMX was busted Wednesday last, he's been caught driving cars too fast; if DMX is busted on Friday morn, the partially-burnt carcasses of mistreated pets were found on his lawn. We're available for hire, you know.

DMX Continues To Drive Cars Like A Bellend There are plenty of places you don't want to see DMX - like in a movie, for example. Actually, mainly a movie. Seriously, have you seen Father Of Lies? But one other place where you don't want to see DMX is anywhere where he has access to a car. Because, by christ, DMX is a titting maniac when he gets behind the wheel of a car. DMX has already been arrested perhaps a million times in the past for driving like a berserk twonk, and now he's flipping well at it again. DMX has been arrested for bombing up and down an Arizona freeway at 114mph. There's just something so warmly familiar about hearing that DMX has been driving like a dickhead again, isn't there? It's like putting on a comfortable pair of slippers, albeit a large metal and glass pair of slippers on wheels that are being driven by a monumental turdhole.

DMX Legally Not Raped By Some Woman

hecklerspray was horribly stuck once in the middle of a swirling gaggle of wing-flapping Canadian geese. It was terrible - all the squawking, all the honking, all the pinching us with feathers - terrible we tell you!

When they finally flew away we were stranded two states to the south from where we were when it started with only a tattered Italian motorcycle jacket and some wing-shaped facial bruises. Our subliminal self-defence mechanism has helped us block out a lot of what happened - but three weeks later we laid a freaking egg. We're just saying.

Because of this experience we can kind of but not really relate to how DMX must have felt after some woman raped him while he was only trying to sleep with a window-breeze regulating the temperature of his exposed man-parts. We can't totally relate, mind you, because a judge never summarily called our account fictitious and then awarded all those geese something like a million and a half dollars.

But aside from that we know exactly what the man's going through.