Christians eh? They never say the right thing do they? That’s probably because they seek advice from a made-up God. You may as well ask Sooty to whisper wisdom in your ear or seek teachings from the sound of a conch shell.

And two Christians – notably the ones that gave birth to Katy Perry – have irritated their famous daughter by saying that her split with Russell Brand ain’t all bad because, as a result, there’s been increased interest in their missionary.

How delightful. Of course, the outspoken Katy isn’t having that and has tweeted a missive against them, or so it seems. It’s okay though. She can say what she wants. That’s because Christians are contractually obliged to forgive everyone, no matter what.

Over the weekend, Perry took to Twitter to speak publicly for the first time since the split. She wrote:

“I am so grateful for all the love and support I’ve had from people around the world. You guys have made my heart happy again.”

So far, so celebrity-humble. However, it didn’t last long and the paranoid glare of someone surrounded by the deafening chatter from beyond the velvet rope reared up.

“Concerning the gossip, I want to be clear that NO ONE speaks for me. Not a blog, magazine, ‘close sources’ or my family.”

Get that mom and dad? You can shut your stupid Christian cake-holes! You might wanna try being a bit more Buddhist about it and using your daughter’s grief as a time of quiet, introspective reflection instead of talking to the press.

Although, don’t stop entirely. We’ll have nothing to write about then.

We shouldn’t worry though because, the reality of it all is, Brand and Perry will now be in a race to see who can have the most public shag or orgy as they bid to get first to the punch. It’s going to be brilliant, then irritating, then kinda sad and ultimately, of no importance to any of us while they both slide into obscurity.

When an ex-serial sex pest and constantly touring pop star get married, you can be assured that everything will end happily ever after, can’t you? With constant media coverage covering their every move like they’re some sort of wild animal, what could go wrong for Katy Perry and Russell Brand?

You have to question the actions of a couple who haven’t been together long since their Hindu ceremony just over a year ago. Not because we have anything against a religion that prays to elephants, but Katy Perry’s parents are devout Christians. So you’d at least think that her folks would want God to give the thumbs up over Ganesha.

As of yet, there have been no reasons given as to why the marriage collapsed. But before anyone suggests that the two simply drifted apart, wild theories are already being thrown around. Of course, we’re inclined to believe them, so imagine our surprise that Rihanna’s name has been named as one of the rotters who messed everything up.

Doing a piece of detective work based on pure lyrical logic, we are going on a hunch that Katy Perry kissed a girl and liked it. Presumably, her husband Russell Brand didn’t and subsequently filed for divorce. Though we imagine it was done by his PA or faxed through.

So where does Rihanna fit into all of this? 2011 saw her release a new single every 36 seconds and tour a record number of cities that she’d never heard of. HELLO MANCHESTSHIRE! Well it appears the crazy and up-for-anything Russell Brand has calmed down a helluva lot. Gone are the days when he shot junk and dressed as Osama Bin Laden for work. Instead, free range organic tea is his poison of chance. Rihanna doesn’t approach life calmly. In fact, she might have been partying too hard with Katy Perry leading her to a path that Brand disapproved of. According to reports:

“Russell didn’t like his wife hanging out with the sexy singer because the women used to party together. And Russell, being a recovering heroin and sex addict, didn’t think the friendship between Katy and the singer from Barbados was good for their marriage.”

Everybody likes a good party don’t they? Even we’ll try and hide the usual miserable expression on our faces for something people call a “smile” when the opening shapes of the conga are thrown. But if the same reports are to be believed, the situation might be a little awkward:

“Rihanna called and texted Katy all throughout the New Year’s Eve weekend, perhaps influencing her on what to do and where to go to stay out of the limelight. If this is the case, the superstar may have influenced Katy to give up on her marriage and move on as a single woman. And maybe that’s why Katy has been spotted happy in Hawaii, while Russell is looking gloom in London.”

Trust us; they’ll be some sort of musical retort to this marriage breakdown. There’s no doubt that Katy Perry will enlist her pal Rihanna to re-record this nineties classic with directly altered lyrics to show Russell Brand who’s boss:

Sad news, folks,Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler are divorced.

Oh come on, you know who Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler are – he used to be in Blink 182 and she, um, she's Shanna Moakler. Anyway, even though Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler split up 18 months ago, they've only just got divorced. Still don't really know who either of them are? No, us neither really. Let's just pretend that we do, anyway. Ready?

Nope, still don't care about them.

We don't know about you, but we're only able to express our love for another human being if that love forms the basis of a badly-edited MTV reality show full of zany sound effects, and even then we'll only express it with a desperate approval-seeking look on our faces.

It's not just us this condition affects – Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey had it, and so did Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler. In fact, thanks to MTV's Meet The Barkers we'd go as far as to say that Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler were the Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey that even less people have heard of. But it couldn't last forever.

In August 2006 Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler split up to almost deafening apathy for the wider world. But if you thought that nobody cared about those two awful needy bastards back them, imagine how little anyone cares 18 months later now that they've finally got their acts together to properly divorce. E! Online reports:

Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler are officially single again. The ex-couple, whose wedded life was once chronicled in the MTV series Meet the Barkers, were divorced earlier this month, according to court documents first obtained by TMZ. After tying the knot in October 2004, Barker and Moakler announced their split in August 2006.  They later reconciled briefly, only to break it off again. They have two children together, four-year-old son Landon and two-year-old daughter Alabama. Moakler also has an eight-year-old daughter, Atiana, from her previous relationship with Oscar de la Hoya.

Honestly, we're not even sure that Travis and Shanna's kids care about their divorce to be honest. Especially little Alabama – she's probably already hatching a plan to poison them both in their sleep for giving her such a shitty name.

Although divorces can be pretty emotionally gruelling, they usually give each party change to indulge in some of the behaviour they enjoyed before they got married. However, we're hoping that this won't happen to Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler, because their main hobbies seem to include making godawful Stickle-Brick pop punk that only idiots like and beating Paris Hilton up in nightclubs.

OK, so we're only hoping that 50 percent of those things won't happen.

Read more:

Meet the Newly Single Barkers – E! Online 

Hulk Hogan's wife must be an idiot to want to divorce him – she'll never find another old, bald, long-haired, moustachioed, blindly patriotic, sausage-armed, shirt-tearing, pretend-deaf hunk of man as good as the Hulkster as long as she lives.

But that's just the risk that Linda Marie Bollea is taking, because after 24 happy years of marriage, she getting divorced from Hulk Hogan. Not that she told Hulk Hogan this, of course – that was down to a journalist who'd heard about the divorce and phoned up Hogan to get his opinion, only to discover it was the first he'd heard about it. But now that there's been time to let the news of his divorce sink in, let's hope that Hulk Hogan can see the positives in the matter – after all, without a wife around, Hulk Hogan will have much more time to indulge in his hobbies of pumping iron accompanied by widdly-woo 1980s stadium rock and headbutting the flags of various non-American nations.

As his theme-music so often told us, Hulk Hogan is a real American who fights for the right of every man (fights for what's right, fights for your life). In retrospect, though, dear old Hulk Hogan probably should have tried a bit harder to fight for the rights of some women as well, especially the one he's married to, because then he probably wouldn't be getting divorced.

After 24 of what we're assuming were happily-married years, Hulk Hogan's wife Linda Marie Bollea has decided that she wants a divorce. How much of this has to do with their son's recent arrest for his spectacularly stupid car crash is unknown. But what is known, though, is that Hulk Hogan didn't have a bloody clue that he was being divorced until a reporter from the St Petersburg Times phoned him up to tell him. After thanking the reporter for the "great information" and hanging up, Hulk Hogan then called back a few minutes later with the following explanation:

"You caught me off guard. My wife has been in California for about three weeks. Holy smokes. Wow, you just knocked the bottom out of me. I just pulled over to the side of the road for five minutes to find out what was going here."

And for now, that's all anyone knows. Since the only emotions that Hulk Hogan is capable of are anger and monkey-faced, staggering retribution, it's hard to know how Hulk Hogan will respond to the divorce, although there's smart money on him teaming up with Dog The Bounty Hunter to start some kind of Oversized Middle-Aged Grizzled Bleach-Blond Gorilla Emotional Support Network to see each other through in their time of mutual crisis.

However, the world is full of identikit, platinum-haired, surgically reconstructed, orange-skinned trophy wives, so we're sure that Hulk Hogan will be able to quickly move on and find someone else to put up with him. Let's hope so, because Hulk Hogan is set to start hosting American Gladiators soon, and we don't really want to be subjected to the pitiful sight of Hulk Hogan, all red-eyed and drunk, fitfully running halfway up the backwards travelator thing while unsuccessfully trying to tear off his T-shirt on live TV in an ill-judged attempt to prove to his wife that he's still as much of a man as he's always been.

Oh, who are we kidding? We'd love to see that, and so would you. 

Read more:

Hulk Hogan Headed For Divorce – E! Online