Wow, Gary Coleman divorce details already?? But, but …but we’re so unprepared.

We thought we had a good three or four more days to prepare our impending Gary Coleman busted up marriage list of mockings and general sardonicism. Apparently not.

Yeah, Gary Coleman’s marriage is going down fast, but that doesn’t mean the Coleman’s aren’t going kick, piledrive and thwomp a dead horse with blunt objects to get as much publicity and exposure out of it as they possibly can. Thus, Gary Coleman and his wife are going to hash out the inevitably queasy details from their dysfunctional marriage for you on the ever so classy TV show Divorce Court. Giddyup.

Hey, remember Gary Coleman? He was that child actor that made it big in the eighties being an endearing, chubby little black kid that never seemed to know what his brother Willis was, in fact, talking about. But what happens when that endearing, chubby little black kid twenty years later when he still looks like the same kid but has done nothing except set the world record for shortest man to longest temper tantrum ratio?

He moves to Utah and gets married to a woman 18 years his junior and keeps it a secret for months, only to announce their marriage and then promptly make their marital non-bliss public by going on Divorce Court to work out their problems, of course.

Anyway, Gary Coleman and his wife of seven months, Shannon Price are foregoing the traditional seven month wedding gift of dryer lint and have opened up to OK! Magazine about their marital woes and appearing on Divorce Court. There really are so many priceless gems of quotes from the article that it’s hard to single any out, but here Gary Coleman gives us a bit of insight into the relationship:

“(Problems) build and then we don’t talk to each other for a week. It gets as bad as it needs to be to get her to listen. If I have to throw something or break something, that’s what’s going to happen…I’m not a controlling husband. There’s no leash on her.”

No leash, just a secure encasement of bubble wrap over Shannon’s entire body in the event of shrapnel from broken objects.

Gary Coleman goes on in the interview to delight us with his touching thoughts on having a baby with Shannon Price:

“I promised her one [a baby]. I just don’t know when it’s going to happen. I know that once I made that promise I committed myself to a life of hell because now I have to be a father. I have to make more money to take care of this second person. I’m not gonna want to be a daddy all the time. We don’t know what kind of child we are going to have. I’m hoping her genes are stronger than mine.”

Wait, so Gary Coleman and his wife are still going to have a baby even though they’re getting a divorce Gary has little to no desire to be a father and equates fatherhood with hell? Looks like Gary Coleman is the ideal candidate for king of the deadbeat dads. Lindsay Lohan‘s dad better watch his back. He’s got competition.

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Gary Coleman and Wife Head to ‘Divorce Court’ - OK