Well all know that Kim Kardashian is the very pinnacle of media whoredom, leapfrogging other visionaries as Paris Hilton, Tulisa Contostavlos and the rest of the Kardashian sisters, to the crown of Most Annoying Slag 2012. And we all know why, because she wants to show everything that happens through the medium of television, even though her television shows are so tucked and trimmed that if they were pies, they would be the most disgusting tasting pies ever. Though they would look great.
But what happens when TV turns against her? We’ve seen public opinion of the Kardashian Klan flip recently with claims of her marriage being a sham; even her soon to be ex-husband is throwing some fuel onto the hair extension, Sketchers-advertising fire, with news reaching us that he wants to show the divorce trial ON TV.
In a move that will take the Kardashian/Humphries debacle into a whole new universe of meta-awareness, we’ll be watching them divorce live on TV! Which is very Matrix isn’t it?
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Denise Welch officially splits from Tim Healy, not that anyone cares anymore. Remember at the end of Jurassic Park where all of the dinosaurs were left to their own devices and untouched by human hands again? And when King Kong was shot fell to his death from the Empire State building? And when Ethel Skinner was put down by Dot Cotton, ending her reign of sexual terror? Well, these are examples of when it’s acceptable to lock up/euthanise sexual threats because they pose a threat to greater society.
Unfortunately, we are facing a turning point in our history because one of these situations has arisen again: Denise Welch is single again.
The 2012 Celebrity Big Brother winner and Byker Grove star confirmed the worrying news yesterday on Loose Women, where she spoke candidly and without any prompting from her agent about the situation between her and Career Geordie, Tim Healy.
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As well you know, Demi Moore’s suffering and being rushed to hospital after seizures from alleged narcotics, is simply not enough for us. The fact she’s so unhappy is fine and all, but we need more.
Like what?
We all need to hear her cry for help. It’s not good enough knowing that she was desperate – we need to hear EXACTLY how desperate she was. Of course, this also gives everyone the opportunity to overdub her pleas for help into a Hitler video or, indeed, remix it into the next hilariously autotuned dance-smash! That’s right folks! Her 911 call is getting released to the public!
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You can’t fault Demi Moore’s record. Some terrible, terrible films aside, some people forget that she put up with really, really Republican gunslinger Bruce Willis’ penis for a considerable amount of time, before taking on Ashton Kutcher in his most elaborate “Punk’d” episode so far.
Fresh from divorcing the “Butterfly Effect”, um, star (well, he was in it), our Demi’s feeling a bit sleepy and has been admitted to hospital with exhaustion.
Moore, who has been in over 9 films since 2006 (so, 10), said through a psychic medium in third-person: ”Because of the stresses in her life right now, Demi has chosen to seek professional assistance to treat her exhaustion and improve her overall health. She looks forward to getting well and is grateful for the support of her family and friends.”
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Hahaha! Aw, bless! Kim Kardashian is making a tall claim. A really, really tall one. So tall, it’s a certifiable freak-show. Basically, she’s trying to convince us all that she’s got a soul. And with it, she’s searched it. A lot.
That’s right, the term, ‘soul-searching’ has been mentioned in the inevitable and orchestrated break-up between Kim K and thundering, hoof-footed ball tosser, Kris Humphries.
Basically, that’s a lot of soul-searching over a 72-day marriage. The kind of soul-searching that saw the willfully stupid Kim going to the vapid, finance hungry Kardashian family for advice on what to do. It’s like Wuthering Heights or something.
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Just when we thought that 2012 was getting off to a rocking start, what with us discovering there was one less Kardashian in the world and all, Heidi Klum and Seal have to shit on our parade by announcing they are getting a divorce.
The golden couple, who must have Hitler spinning in his grave, are filing for divorce after six years of marriage, citing ‘irreconcilable differences’.
Heidi Klum is a human contradiction – by all rights, she should be a mega bitch, but no-one seems to have passed on the memo that if you’re a towering German supermodel worth over £20million, you’re TOTALLY within your rights to act like the biggest douche in the world.
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Zooey Deschanel is one of those women people fancy when they haven’t seen her act in anything. Once you see her in a moving picture, you can’t help but wish her ill. That whole kooky, sub-standard Goldie Hawn thing she’s got going on? Loathesome.
She sings cutesy wutesy songs and cocks her head to one side while biting her lip, acting like she’s 10 years old despite being in her thirties. It’s creepy!
And so, it isn’t surprising at all to hear her say she got bullied so much at school, that people spat at her.
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So. Zooey Deschanel has a new show that is being shown on Channel 4 this very night at 8:30 post meridian. Of course, we’ve seen it and it won’t surprise you that we are characteristically unimpressed.
That said, looking on the bright side of any situation, like we uncharacteristically do, we’ve managed to find five things that are good about New Girl (8:30, Channel 4).
And here they are, over the jump and as follows…
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