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Puny Disney milktoast, Nick Jonas, is so lacking in edge that he’s akin to some amorphous blob with eyebrows. However, it is vitally important that young women fancy him, or else he loses all sense of value to his team.
So what can he do? How can he aimlessly wander into the fantasies of pre-pubescent women again? There must be something!
Hey! What’s this? Here’s a news story about Nick Jonas feeling that he’s “open” to the idea of going naked on stage. How useful!
Don’t you just hate it when someone you love, admire and possibly think about in a dirty way when you have at least one free hand, turns out to be nothing more than a former all singing, all dancing, would happily punch repeatedly in the face, jumper wearing, Mickey Mouse Club super brat?
We’re talking about YOU Ryan ‘I’m now highly respected and will sleep with everyone’ Gosling.
Yes, self harmingly bland Justin Timberlake went on the Ellen Show and ruined any credibility that Ryan Gosling ever had by announcing that not only were they both made in the evil Disney factory but that they even shared a house together aged 11, making us wish we were dead.
The thing that really perplexes almost anyone in possession of eyes, ears, a brain and puberty regarding the ‘phenomenon’ of Justin Bieber is actually what all the fuss is about in the first place. He possesses all the interest and faint repellence of a glass of tepid piss with a mop-top.
But wait! The ugly/interesting rumour of racism/anti-semitism rears its intriguing head! Thank God! (The Christian God, obviously.) It’ll be like Mel Gibson’s ‘sugar-tits’ thing all over again, launching Justin into a fascinating world of well-regarded glove-puppet-orientated indie films!
Oh. It wasn’t even him. It was his mum. Making him even lamer than previously imagined. You’re in it deep if – for all your bland, inoffensive marionette dancing, girlish singing, foolish hairstyles and overall disposability – your mother is more exciting than you are.
If you happen to have the vaguest interest in films, then you’ll have realised that over the last few years, there’s been a couple of ongoing trends. Two scoops of ice-cream and a smidgen of sauce will cost you a week’s wage, whilst the films themselves have been rehashed to death.
All sorts of fancy mind numbing modern effects such as HD, 3D and IMAX are being used to hike up ticket prices to drag in doleful punters.
As for the films themselves, there has been nothing of any immediate mainstream quality in the last decade that’s made us rush out to the cinema. All we’re faced with are countless sequels, rubbish remakes/reduxes and adaptations from books like Harry Potter. Disney have decided to embrace technology and re-release The Lion King with sharper animation and three whole dimensions. Now a new generation of children can see Mufasa die, but in 3D!
Tron is the a fine example of a rubbish franchise being brilliant. Over two films, Tron told us absolutely nothing but it didn’t matter because ultimately, the light cycles and grid games are really, really cool.
And even thought the CGI bit where Jeff Bridges looked young in Tr2n was some of the worst footage in cinematic history, we can’t help but be a little excited at the news of a third instalment of the Tron series.
And yep, it’s been confirmed by Tron himself, which is as good as gospel.
Have you got a thing for cowboys? Even the closeted ones from Brokeback Mountain? Do you also have a thing for the repulsively handsome Johnny Depp? Well, how about the prospect of Depp dressed up like a cowboy then? Does that tickle your pickle?
Well tough. That’s because Disney were all set to make a Depp featuring film of The Lone Ranger, ’til they decided that they really, really hate you.
That’s right! In their infinite wisdom, Walt Disney Studios have shut down production of The Lone Ranger which would have seen Johnny as Tonto and Armie Hammer (who sounds like a toothpaste) as the title character.
Do you like gay people? Perhaps you’re a gay person yourself? Doesn’t matter one jot. That’s because Miley Cyrus likes gay people more than anyone else, ever. How do we know this? Because she’s got a tattoo.
As well you know, young people get tattoos about the things they feel strongly passionate about… the things they will stand-by for life… and boy, Miley means it, maaaaaan.
See, she’s decided to get a tattoo that shows that she supports gay marriage. What have you done? Nothing we bet. Unless you happen to be gay and have got married. Even then, marriages don’t often last as long as tattoos, so even you lose.
You soft shites all cried at Toy Story 3, so prepare to cry up all your misery in Toy Story 4 which is actually being made right now according to Tom Hanks. Of course, with such a long time passing between the second and third instalments, it appears that the producers aren’t messing around with number four.
This is hardly surprising given that Toy Story 3 was such a rampant success, becoming the first animated film to clear the $1bn. mark.
With the third film neatly rounding-off the franchise, it’ll be interesting to see what happens in the new one. We’re hoping for similarities to The Simpsons episode where Burns has lost Bobo. Or something. We haven’t actually seen the first three, so what do we know? It’s better than making some lame joke implying it’ll be full of inappropriate sex scenes and gangsta rappers or something.
