10 - One of these cats is Barack Obama, the other is John McCain. The third one is us…

9 – Jordan & Peter Andre not splitting up any more, for now. Warning – images not safe for anything – Popsugar

8 - Come to think of it, we have always wanted a vandal octopus for a pet - Telegraph

7 – Jeremy Clarkson recreates the bit from Jackass where they all dress up as really old men - YouTube

6 – Sienna Miller does a music video. Bizarrely, it’s even worse than you’d expect – Holymoly

5 - A selection of facial hair to make all men feel emasculated in comparison - Theartofmanliness

4 – Don’t mix milk with Red Bull. Common sense, in the form of a song - I Am Bored

3 – Peaches Geldof writes words, everyone on Earth writes ruder words back – Nylon

2 - Tetris! On Bottles - B3ta

1 - A list of all the diseases every president of America has ever had. Why not do what we do and play presidential disease top trumps with your friends? Here’s a hint – pick Taft – Healthinplainenglish

Cheryl Cole is not only planning a divorce, but an STI check too, as she is worried that her husband Ashley’s penis may have infested her vagina with the fanny bacteria of Brooke Healy, according to The Star.

Brooke, a model, recently claimed that the marauding Chelsea left back managed to slip one into her empty net, having told her that he doesn’t like having a goalie involved, as they ruin the feeling he gets as his ball ripples round the back of the net.

It should be said that it's never been confirmed that Ashley Cole has just the one ball.

And so, as Cheryl doesn’t know where Miss Healy – let alone where Ashley – has been, and with the national papers full each-morning of suggestions that there may be a phalanx of other philanderers, she’s booking herself into the clinic just to make sure she isn’t littered with crabs.

A positive test result would be a terrible blow for the singer, who is no doubt well aware that her vagina is responsible for 98% of her career thus far; if it was to be compromised she knows there’d be an Alton Towers-esque queue of girls, each equipped with a fully functioning fanny, ready to take her place as the Queen of the Karaoke singers. Here’s hoping it is just thrush.

Although, if it is far more serious than that, that’d be good too as we can write a story on it, so do what you want – go crazy, get syphilis for all we care. Just please let
hecklerspray know about it first.

All the best.

Read more:

Cheryl Cole's 'STD Fear' – Entertainmentwise