Former Paula Abdul backing singer and Earth Wind & Fire dancer, Michael Jackson, has passed away last night in a flurry of controversy, mainly because “he didn’t seem the sort to just die like that, did he?”
The former singer, who of course had minor R&B hits such as ‘Let’s Get Serious’ and ‘Raspberry Beret’, died while in the arms of his rumoured lover, Doctor Conrad Murray who, at the time of press, has asked for his ‘privacy to be respected at this time of huge sadness and mountainous loss’.
Of course, with that, we went snooping through his bins and stuck a dictaphone in his face so we could get the words “respect my privacy please” and “mountainous loss”.
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Great news! Michael Jackson’s death trial is going to be on the television! This is very exciting news! Not only will we be able to witness the astonishingly tedious inner-workings of the law, but we’ll also get to see people protesting about stuff they’ve got no idea about!
Yes indeed, our beloved Michael Jackson fans will, with any luck, feature in a split screen, holding their placards aloft and singing ‘Man In The Mirror’ in the cold while demanding justice – provided that justice aligns with the decisions they’ve already made based on half-assed theories discovered online!
All that is left to do now is for the jury to be chosen who will no doubt be hounded by the press and insane devotees of the King Of Pop.
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Boooo! Hissss! Conrad Murray! He’s a rotten sod who killed Michael Jackson by being hopeless! He probably liked Prince’s records better! Boooo! What a stinkin’ rotter! And that’s what 99% of Michael Jackson devotees have spent their time shouting for the past 12 months.
Most MJ fans have all this worked out already so they must be wondering why the US legal system is persevering with such an expensive case like the one starting to unfurl around the cadaver of Michael Jackson.
Of course, everyone who actually knew Michael and saw him in person, spoke to him on the phone and kept regular correspondence with him – no, that doesn’t include trying to pick out hidden messages in his songs or vivid delusions and apparitions appearing in your room – don’t have a sausage when it comes to knowing what happened that night… but that’s okay because MJ fans know exactly what happened thanks to things they’ve read online. But wait! Jackson’s children have something to say!
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Doctor Conrad Murray, a man who, if we believe naysayers, is the most hapless doctor in the world, is claiming that Michael Jackson was on his last legs without his help. It is unclear whether Jackson’s ‘last legs’ went straight into a Moonwalk pose.
While everyone thinks of the world ‘Propofol’ in unison, Murray is saying that Michael Jackson was in such a weakened state before he shrugged off his mortal coil that it is not fair to blame his death on the administering of Propofol.
Not that Conrad injected the singer. Jackson did that himself while Murray walked into things and generally acted like Dr Nick from The Simpsons.
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Being a Michael Jackson fan must really be a pain in the ring sometimes. Based on his fans who frequent our pages, we assume that they’d peck each other’s eyes out if someone said something vaguely negative.
Of course, you can only share the love of Michael by buying all of his tacky merchandise, such as albums that sound like they were recorded by Joe Jackson.
Unless members of the Jackson estate are wiping their anal passages with money, they shouldn’t be short of a few quid. Or, they love money so much that they cook and eat it. Either way, yet another cash-in MJ product is coming your way. Form an orderly queue now as the finishing touches are added to the exclusive Michael Jackson perfume. Great to see more tawdry tat being peddled without his approval!
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Hello. This is the internet talking to you. You probably think we tell you lie after lie, unless of course, we say something you agree with. In that case, we’re the refreshing antidote to those scurrilous swine who work for newspapers and magazines.
And so, after Michael Jackson fans have followed in their idol’s footsteps by, essentially, calling us every single nasty name they could think of, here we are, reporting on MJ again, asking for more of the same.
This has all come about because Dr Conrad Murray – personal physician of Michael Jackson and potential buyer of this brilliant t-shirt – has now been officially accused of being… well… shit at his job.
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Michael Jackson’s death was a seismic moment in pop-culture. It provoked millions of stunned gasps and just about as many paedophile jokes. Since his passing, the circus has continued with the release of a substandard album called ‘Michael’ and MJ fans pointing at pictures of Dr Conrad Murray and screaming ’til the veins in their necks erupted, shooting out so much blood that the world briefly looked like it was menstruating.
And now, the whole thing is about to become much louder and weirder as prosecutors are set to unveil their case against Murray who was the quack hired to make sure Michael Jackson didn’t die before everyone started taking a percentage of everything he did for the This Is It comeback tour.
A judge now has to determine whether Murray should stand trial or not, presumably concious of the fact that, if he decides that Murray shouldn’t have to face a cross-examination, they’ll probably be lynched by insane fans of the singing superstar.
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The Discovery Channel are, for reasons that are unclear to everyone (including themselves no doubt), going to broadcast a re-enactment of Michael Jackson’s autopsy. No, honestly they are. That’ll make for cheery viewing won’t it?
And, it goes without saying, that the people who are looking after Jackson’s estate aren’t particularly pleased about it all asking the broadcaster to cancel their plans to air the show. Again, we’ll point out that the show is a recreation of a dead body being cut open and poked at.
That said, Michael Jackson exhumed his own corpse during the Thriller video, so perhaps we shouldn’t moan about this at all?
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