When Steve Jobs died (most likely as a direct result of the shoddy piece of iCrap that his company launched just 24 hours earlier), tearful simpletons across the globe gathered around his grave to pay homage to the genius who Changed The World™, one recycled idea at a time.

When the prophesied iJobs resurrection failed to materialise three days later, a handful of maverick thinkers finally dared to suggest that maybe Stevie J wasn’t Jesus incarnate after all, and perhaps all the gushing, glassy-eyed dogma spewing across the Internet might have been a teensy, weensy bit overblown.

Various stories began to bubble to the surface about Jobs being generally a bit of a git-about-town, and the leaked preview of a suspiciously well-timed “definitive biography” revealed he was in fact a dirty, smelly, LSD-addled hippy with a bitter, venomous hatred towards anything that looked remotely like fair competition in the marketplace. And that’s not even mentioning his various attempts to abandon his first daughter.

The latest, and perhaps classiest, reveal is that the world’s favourite rich, benevolent, cuddly (though perhaps a bit less so during those last few months) uncle found and exploited the world’s most expensive legal loophole to fuel his neverending quest towards being the biggest jerk in Silicon Valley.

It seems, way back in the ’80s, Stevie discovered a loophole that allowed him to drive his car without number plates, provided it was less than six months old. This comes in particularly handy when you have a taste for parking in disabled spots and would rather fork out hundreds of thousands of dollars, twice a year, on a new Mercedes than pay the perfectly justifiable civil fines that go with it.

According to time-weathered Apple code-monkey Andy Hertzfeld:

“Whenever you saw a big Mercedes parked in a handicapped space, you could be sure that it was Steve’s car.”

When questioned back in 2001 about why he never had number plates on his car, Steve explained it was because he was dedicated to smooth clean lines and the number plates spoiled it liked to dodge tickets saying:

“It’s a game I play.”

Presumably, seeing as he was playing this delightful “game” against genuinely disabled people, Steve would usually emerge from the post office wearing a gold medal and a shit-eating grin at least 20 minutes before the competition had managed to find a parking spot and get their crutches out of the boot.

Stay classy, Steve.

This guest post was written by Arthur ASCii who hasn’t seen daylight in one-hundred years and thoroughly hates all humans equally because he’s fair like that

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Russell Brand has opened his mouth and let a load of words come out that have made disabled people either cry, or want to viciously beat him up with their angry, angry fists.

Has he ill-advisedly said that Katy Perry looks ‘a bit special sometimes’?

NO! Don’t be an idiot. He’s called Paralympic athletes “novelty ­value”, which is nice of him isn’t it? This, naturally, has made a thousand unprintable jokes run through the head of team ‘spray which is most infuriating.

Just 2 days after Sith Lord Coe patronised the International Paralympic Day, Brand decided to make a funny with his brain and share it with the world who had long stopped listening.

During a gig, the man with American equine teeth, said:

“I don’t give a f*** about the Olympics. It’s boring Blue Peter sport and a waste of taxpayers’ money.

“At least the Paralympics have some kind of novelty value or something.”

This caused Paralympians to sharpen their guns.

David Weir, who is some kind of athlete with a load of medals, said:

“Calling the sport a novelty is offensive. It’s not like I get up, do one ­marathon then go to bed for the rest of the year. I train every day – I am no different to Paula Radcliffe. Brand obviously hasn’t met any Paralympians. If he did he certainly wouldn’t call any of us a novelty.”

And Weir clearly hasn’t met a stand-up comedian who might say things they really don’t mean, just to get a laugh (even if it’s a little careless or irresponsible).

It’s at this point, we’re legally obliged to bring up Sachsgate, where Brand took the piss out of an old man who used to be on Fawlty Towers.

Either way, you can remember this story and, in the future, use it as a reason to hate him amongst your friends who really like him, saying things like “Sorry, I just don’t like comedians who hate disabled people”

You’re welcome.

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