But Tom Ford isn’t a man who restricts himself to only making things for rich image-conscious idiots to wear. No, now he’s decided to turn his hand to making things for rich image-conscious idiots to sit and slowly fall asleep to and then wake up and pretend to have enjoyed because it makes them look clever. That’s right – Tom Ford is making a movie.

Apparently Tom Ford has adapted the novel A Single Man into a movie, and he’s managed to get Julianne Moore and Colin Firth to star in it. We don’t know if A Single Man will be good yet, but we suspect it largely depends on his resolve – at some point he’s bound to crack and give Victoria Beckham a part in it, and how large that part is will determine how many teeth we’ll smash out with our shoe if we ever have to watch it.

Tom Ford is easily our second-favourite man in the fashion industry after Donatella Versace, and that’s based solely on the facts that a) we only know two people in the fashion industry and b) we’re pretty sure that Donatella Versace is a man.

In his time Tom Ford has single-handedly turned Gucci from a near-bankrupt fashion house for hollow-hearted bellends into a wildly prosperous fashion house for hollow-hearted bellends. Plus he’s one of the manliest men in the world. Plus he managed to get Keira Knightley and Scarlett Johansson to take their tops off for him, something we’ve failed to do despite writing several letters and inventing a willpower-harnessing machine called the Wankotron.

So Tom Ford, it’s fair to say, is better than you. And just to rub your nose in it, he’s decided to direct his own feature film as well. Reuters reports:

Colin Firth, Julianne Moore and Matthew Goode are set to star in “A Single Man,” Ford’s adaptation of the Christopher Isherwood novel. Published in 1964, the novel centers on a gay man who, after the sudden death of his partner, is determined to persist in his usual routine, which is seen in the span of a single, ordinary day in southern California.

Good, that’s clever. Write what you know, that’s the key. And, as a gay man, Tom Ford obviously knows a lot about, um, being determined to persist in his usual routine after the sudden death of his partner in California in 1964.

But Tom Ford didn’t rise to fame in the fashion world by copying other people’s ideas, and so he sure as hell won’t in the movie business. That’s why he’s made a few nips and tucks to the plot of A Single Man here and there.

For example, who cares about 1964 any more? To tap into global environmental concerns, Tom Ford is now setting A Single Man on an intergalactic weather station in the future. And death is just so dreary, isn’t it? That’s why, instead of a gay man struggling with the loss of his partner, Ford’s version of the movie revolves around a monkey struggling with a pogo stick. And instead of trying to persist in his usual routine, the lead character will dance to I Like To Move It Move It by Reel 2 Reel.

So, just to recap, Tom Ford’s new movie is about a monkey on a pogo stick dancing to mid-nineties house music. In space. In the future. We heard.

And, make no mistake, Rambo worked on every conceivable level – as a flat-out action movie, as a piece of issue-based social filmmaking, as a way of utterly obliterating the Burmese tourist industry, as a warning against the use of HGH at an advanced age, as a reminder that nobody looks good with a mullet. We could go on.

But anyway, that’s why we’re thrilled at the news that Sylvester Stallone has just signed on to direct Rambo 5, due to start filming next year. What’s more, Sylvester Stallone is also thought to be writing Rambo 6. Plus Stallone wants Rambo 7 to be an animated cartoon, and Rambo 8 to be a musical, and Rambo 9 to be a stageplay and Rambo 10 to be a remake of Rambo 6 starring children and puppets and Rambo 11 to be an avant-garde Warhol-style close-up of one of his own eyelashes that lasts for 48 hours.

All true. Except for the last 57 words.

Though easy to mock at the time, when Sylvester Stallone revisited one of his most famous cinematic creations for Rocky Balboa, he crafted an elegant, eloquent finale to the series that dropped the overblown posturing of its previous sequels and let the character go with a respect and dignity that nobody really thought possible.

And, right after that, Sylvester Stallone made another Rambo movie, about an old bloke killing everything and running around going “Aaargh!” a lot. So it all balances out.

And, unquestionably, Rambo was a success. It made money. It regained Sylvester Stallone’s position as the daddy of the gormless action movie. It reminded Americans that diplomacy never works and the only to resolve international disputes is to send a mental old pensioner into the woods to tear out peoples’ throats and shred them to pieces with a minigun.

That’s why it’s nothing short of genius that Sylvester Stallone has just signed up to make Rambo 5, while simultaneously writing Rambo 6. Moviehole reports:

The aging action-hero has already written “Rambo 5” – rumoured to be shooting next year in Bulgaria, though set in the United States – and is about to put pen to paper on a sixth installment of the series. Also, the next two films won’t be War films like the original movies… but just straight-up action thrillers.

That’s awesome news – when it comes to near-silent beefcakes mumbling something vaguely philosophical before firing 600 arrows through a guerrilla’s face, nobody does it better than Sylvester Stallone. But let’s not get too ahead of ourselves here – we still have our reservations about Rambo 5 and Rambo 6. For instance:

*Action thrillers? That sounds terrible. Scooby Doo is an action thriller. If Rambo 5 is about Sylvester Stallone investigating a haunted funfair we’re going to be deeply pissed off.

*To make Rambo 5 better than Rambo 4, Stallone clearly needs to up the body count. We’re not sure that’s even physically possible, to be honest, unless the whole film is just a fast-forwarded domino line of shifty-looking south east Asian men getting their faces blown off one after another for a full day.

*If Rambo 5 starts filming next year, Sylvester Stallone will be 63, so he could feasibly be in his late sixties by the time Rambo 6 rolls around. Let’s hope that Sylvester Stallone has already factored that into the script and made sure that Rambo’s biggest enemies in that film are incontinence and an inability to eat soup properly.

*Remember that Sylvester Stallone needed vast quantities of Human Growth Hormone to keep him in shape for Rambo 4. We wouldn’t be surprised if, for Rambo 6, Stallone has to resort to drinking babies’ spinal fluid and injecting himself with unicorn semen.

Other than all that, though, great. We can’t wait.

Read more:

Sly Directing Rambo 5 – Moviehole