Badvertising likes nothing better than seeing the breakdown of an advertising executive portrayed through their adverts. It heartens us to see people so devoid of creative talent making adverts which are actually supposed to be designed to sell a service but leave the target audience feeling more bemused than Lindsay Lohan’s gynaecologist. The world needs more confused, off-message advertising but it won’t get it. Why, you ask? Oh… you didn’t…

The advertising world is filled with people so nefariously clever that they can make you suddenly decide that you need something you’ve previously never even considered, just by the power of suggestion through a stupid combination of words and moving images.

Sometimes it won’t hit you for weeks or even months but rest assured that it will hit you. One minute you’re in the queue at the post office and BANG! Next minute, you’ve bought a Saab and have no recollection of how you got to the showroom or paid for the thing.

On the whole, it’s the same deal with comparison websites and hotel services.

You won’t think you’re being coerced due to the fact that you’re not parting with any money but thinking about Money Supermarket or any of these things has been placed in your mind.

You didn’t pluck that out of nowhere. Google rankings? Advertising. SEO? Advertising. It’s all there and it’s all designed to get your money or your clicks- whichever the business deals in.

Hotel finders are much the same animal only looking at this, you’ll wish they weren’t.

This is Hotel Derek from Hotels Direct. We’ll deal with the elephant in the room first, shall we? Hotel Derek is so-called because it sounds a little bit like Hotels Direct. If we hadn’t dealt with that one first, we might all have missed the point of the advert. Hotel Derek is a superhero; something which should be abundantly clear from his catchy superhero name and penchant for wanton acts of criminal damage.

The couple in the advert are going to London. They’re from the North so this is clearly the closest that they’re ever going to get to leaving the country and seeing some culture. Going from a world of smoke-stacks and lung disease to the greener pastures of ‘That London’ must be so exciting that they decided to mention the fact that they’re going to London every time they speak to one another.

You see, these people don’t seem to be able to afford to go on many trips. Hence her asking if they can afford a certain hotel so why would she feel the need to mention London every time. Is it because the script demanded it in order to shoehorn the idea of their ‘big trip’ into a 30 second advertisement. Probably. Either way, it’s still more annoying that waking up to find a choking coal miner in your bed.

The guy doesn’t care. Guys in adverts never do. A woman is speaking, why should he listen?

That is until Hotel Derek, the latest in a long line of humiliated failed actors comes bursting through the wall. Quite literally through the wall. Despite there being a door just to his left- he bursts through the wall. Criminal damage. Phone the police? No. He’s dressed up as a lime green superhero complete with nut-hugging spandex. He’s bound to actually be a hotel-touting superhero as opposed to just a nutjob in a cape, right?

Wrong, apparently.

After zipping around the furniture, speaking to them as though they’re floating detritus that he picked off his boot the last time he was shooting up in a sewer, Hotel Derek decides to launch them into the air towards London. Aside from being impossible, it’s also assault and, assuming they don’t live in a house with no ceilings or roof, yet more criminal damage. They’re saving a bundle on their holiday but the cost of fixing their house is going to be astronomical.

Dialogue again and of course, Hotel Derek does it Hotels Direct. So confused and ill-thought out is this advert that the writer clearly felt the need to have him say it twice in a 7 second period just in case people didn’t quite understand what the advert was about or why an Eton-educated superhero would be firing people into hotels, completely avoiding the check-in process.

It beggars belief. Of course not all adverts miss their message quite so spectacularly but when they do, the results make the brand and the advertising company look so idiotic that they might as well have done the advert themselves dressed up like Jabba the Hutt on a unicycle while crying.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Helena Bonham Carter should learn swordfighting quickly, because if Tim Burton is tapped to direct Pirates Of The Caribbean 4, she’ll have to be in it.

Oh, didn’t we mention? Tim Burton might be directing Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. It’s just a rumour for now, but Disney is thought to want to retain Burton’s services after he’s finished with Alice In Wonderland if Pirates Of The Caribbean director Gore Verbinski gets bored of it all.

Of course, hiring Tim Burton for Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 might seem like something of a risk, but it really isn’t – after all, Pirates Of The Caribbean 3 went on for about 15 hours and couldn’t have made any less sense if it was an East European claymation film about the inside of a twig, so there’s genuinely nothing that Tim Burton could do that would bugger the series up any further.

God, but Pirates Of The Caribbean 3 was rubbish, wasn’t it? It genuinely had nothing going for it – it was overlong, over-complicated and pointlessly saddled in its own mythology. Between Johnny Depp doing his funny run for the millionth time, Keira Knightley‘s continued assumption that she’s funnier than she actually is and Keith Richards‘ cameo as a terminally-ill walnut, audiences everywhere were praying that someone would take the Pirates Of The Caribbean franchise outside and put it out of its misery.

But it made money so, somewhat inevitably, there’s going to be a Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. It was always on the cards, what with Johnny Depp’s publicy-confessed kinship with Captain Jack Sparrow, but now it’s official.

Just the other week Johnny Depp signed a deal promising him more money than there actually is in the world to star in Pirates Of The Caribbean 4, and it’s all go. Except for one thing – who’ll direct Pirates Of The Carribean 4?

Chances are it’ll be Gore Verbinski, the director of the first three movies, but given that he’ll probably strangle himself to death on all the film’s ridiculous storylines within the first fortnight of pre-production, Disney has lined up an alternative in the wings – Tim Burton. Cinemablend reports:

If there is a single director who could make people excited for a fourth Pirates movie, it has to be Burton. He’s done so many amazing movie with Depp already, and might have the ability to make the new franchise as fresh and exciting as it was when the first movie came out. After all, Tim Burton is already making a movie for Disney, and if Alice in Wonderland is going well, you can see how they’d want to hang on to him.

Tim Burton might not be the obvious choice to direct Pirates Of The Caribbean 4, but it could definitely work. After all, with Charlie And The Chocolate Factory and the new Alice in Wonderland movie, Tim Burton has proved that he can make idiosyncratic family movies.

True, with Planet Of The Apes Tim Burton also proved that he could make films almost as bad as Pirates Of The Caribbean 3, but let’s try and put that out of our minds for the time being.

In fact, we’re positive that Tim Burton is going to make one of the best films of the series in Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. That’s because either Sacha Baron Cohen or Russell Brand is apparently being lined up to play Johnny Depp’s brother in the movie, and either of them would be a good foil.

But more importantly, though, Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 is going to be great because Orlando Bloom‘s probably not going to be in it. With that in mind, Uwe Boll could direct Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 with his arse on a set made of runny shit and it’d still be better than any of the others.

Read more:

Scoop: Tim Burton Might Direct Pirates 4 – Cinemablend

When you think of films about disabled medical students who touch magical hammers and become crime-fighting Norse gods, the first name that springs to mind is obviously Kenneth Branagh.

Isn’t it? It isn’t? In fact Kenneth Branagh would probably be one of the last people you’d associate with something that brawny and gormless? Well tell that to Marvel, because they’re currently in talks with Kenneth Branagh about their new Thor movie. In short, Kenneth Branagh wants to direct Thor.

Kenneth Branagh directing a summertime comic book movie like Thor might sound slightly ridiculous, but the idea has potential – with any luck Branagh will turn Thor into a cross between his modern-day romantic musical interpretation of Love’s Labour Lost and that Frankenstein movie where he made Robert De Niro dress up like Sloth from The Goonies and run around the north pole. Ace!

You know what? We’re really starting to dislike Christopher Nolan. Comic book movies used to be so simple – there’d be a superhero and he’d punch all the baddies and then fly around the world backwards to reverse time and that’d be the end. But then Christopher bloody Nolan had to come along and make everything clever. Thanks a lot, Nolan.

Now that Christopher Nolan has managed to make The Dark Knight both intelligent and massive profitable, everyone’s clamouring to get highbrow arthouse directors to helm their comic book movies. And the logical conclusion of that is Kenneth Branagh directing a comic book movie about a Norse God who looks like a fan fiction version of an Iron Maiden music video and runs around New York with a massive hammer, getting magical powers by eating golden apples.

Which, somewhat bewilderingly, is probably going to happen. Before Marvel can make its long-awaited Avengers movie – starring Robert Downey Jr as Iron Man, possibly Will Smith as Captain America and whoever Edward Norton’s less stroppy Incredible Hulk replacement is – it needs to make a Thor film.

And who better to do it than Kenneth Branagh, the man responsible for directing five Shakespeare adaptations, something about a magical flute and a remake of Sleuth that somehow made people hate Jude Law even more than they already did, even though they didn’t think it was physically possible. Variety reports:

Kenneth Branagh is negotiating to direct “Thor,” the next Marvel Comics property that will be turned into a live-action film by Marvel Studios. Pic will be released in 2010. Marvel Studios chief Kevin Feige‘s choice of Branagh is surprising, as Branagh hasn’t really directed an action-heavy film since his debut on “Henry V,” a bloody telling of the British king’s conquest of France.

Now the easiest thing to do here is knee-jerk, since Kenneth Branagh is mainly known for making mimsying wordy films for English literature teachers and Thor sounds pretty much like it might just be the most berserk film ever made.

But let’s give this idea a chance. After all, if Kenneth Branagh can bring some of the fire and intensity of his acting to Thor, and then add some of the highbrow thoughtfulness of his previously-directed movies, the film could be a winner. And, who knows, it might even inspire some other intellectual movie directors to try their hand at more shamelessly commercial fare.

Whatever next? Ang Lee making an Incredible Hulk movie? Aha hahaha ha.

Oh.

You know where you are with Tim Allen – you're either in a cinema full of bored children or the Sandstone Federal Correctional Institute listening to the billionth anecdote about sneaking drugs through Kalamazoo airport.

But Tim Allen has worked out that only starring in films about Santa Claus won't win him an Oscar. Indie comedies are what'll win him an Oscar, which is why Tim Allen has signed up to make his directorial debut with the comedy Crazy On The Outside.

Don't worry, though, this isn't some guffy ego-puffing vanity project, because Tim Allen isn't even going to star in Crazy On The Outsi… what's that? He is going to star in Crazy On The Outside? OK, well in that case it is a guffy ego-puffing vanity project. Sorry about the mix up.

Tim Allen has given the world so much in his 54 years. He's highlighted the tragic plight of mulleted children with idiot fathers on Home Improvement. He's raised awareness of men who keep turning into Father Christmas with the Santa Clause movies. And he would have given the world 1.4 pounds of cocaine if he hadn't been arrested with it at Kalamazoo airport in 1978.

That alone should be enough for Tim Allen to take a step back, realise he's given the world enough and go on to do something else that's less public. But Tim Allen's not having a sniff of it – after a decade spent pretty much exclusively starring in children's films where he turns into stuff like Santa Claus, a shaggy dog or, in the case of Zoom!, a warmly nostalgic rocket-shaped ice lolly – Tim Allen has decided to strike out on his own.

That's right – Tim Allen is going to direct his very first movie, an indie comedy called Crazy On The Outside. EW reports:

Allen will also star in the movie, and Ray Liotta, Carrie-Anne Moss, Kelsey Grammer, and Julie Bowen are all in talks for roles. Allen plays a parolee who finds life outside a prison to be much crazier once he enters his quirky sister's world.

Hilarity ensues. Or, since this is an indie comedy, mild amusement that never actually makes you laugh out loud followed by a sad, soul-searching bit and then a song by Iron & Wine over the credits ensues. Or, since this in an indie comedy directed by Tim Allen, none of the above.

But perhaps we've got this all wrong. We literally don't know a thing about Crazy On The Outside. It could be a bawdy knockabout affair, or it might take the lead from Tim Allen's forthcoming turn in a David Mamet movie and show a more serious, considered side to him. Given the subject matter, Tim Allen might even make Crazy On The Outside slightly autobiographical.

In which case one thing's for certain – everyone is going have really crap facial hair.

Read more: 

Tim Allen Directing 'Crazy' – EW