Lindsay Lohan is no longer an addict of anything. We’d speculated that she’d become addicted to ‘buttons of the chocolate’. Alas, no dice. She’s no longer an addict of anything remotely fun. Nor of anything illegal. Says her father, who’d never lie about that. Never!
Michael Lohan has been speaking to media outlets, who aren’t us, about his daughter’s progress following rehab. Lindsay spent the very end of last year in and out of the Betty Ford facility, withdrawing from her assorted ills.
She’d had dirty drug tests for amphetamines and cocaine in the recent past. However, she’s no longer failing tests and multi-tasking by thumbing her nose at the judge.
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Dina Lohan has finally admitted that her daughter, Lindsay Lohan, is an addict. We were excited to learn this, as we’re on pretty hard stuff too. Our weight in chocolate buttons, every time we get the hecklerspray house groceries in.
Giving up is hard to do. Lindsay’s an addict too. She’s not addicted to anything fun, though. She’s in rehab for cocaine. Which is probably less tasty and more deadly than delicious chocolate. At least that means more sweets for us.
While we rip into this unopened pack of melty goodness, we need to update you on all things Lohan. As the entire clan has been acting more cracked-out than usual, in recent weeks. Read More >>>
Studio bosses probably looked for – but did not find – a better suited addict to play the role of 1970′s adult movie star Linda Lovelace. So they’re stuck with Lindsay Lohan.
Lindsay is being promoted in the role of Linda; a woman who, according to the Inferno script, was put on this earth only to be subject to degradation and sexual humiliation. This being the case, it’s not entirely surprising that bosses have come forward to deny that their own money-making guttersnipe is the only money-making guttersnipe they have ever considered for the lead role in the movie.
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It’s Thanksgiving! That means two things – nothing has happened today, and NOTHING HAS HAPPENED TODAY.
Actually, that’s a lie. One thing has happened today. One scorching hot piece of news that’s likely to make you fall off your seat in utter astonishment. It’s easily the biggest piece of celebrity news this year, and possibly even this decade. Ready? Are you ready to have your senses fried and your brain melted by this unstoppable, world-changing piece of unquestionably seminal information? Are you? OK, here goes…
Lindsay Lohan‘s mum says that Lindsay Lohan makes quite nice mashed potatoes. That’s right, consider your mind BLOWN.
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On an average day, hecklerspray gets inundated with hundreds of emailed press releases. Some are good, most are boring and a tiny minority are so awful they actually defy definition.
Welcome to another edition of Press Release Purgatory, where we show you some of the mind-curdling crap we receive. THIS WEEK: Dina Lohan’s new shoe collection, which is entitled Shoe-Han. Yes, you read that right. Shoe-Han.
We hate our lives. Read the press release in full after the jump…
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If a number of items described as ‘tatty’, ‘mangy’ and ‘reeking of cigarettes’ start appearing on eBay, you know why.
It’s because Lindsay Lohan has been robbed. According to reports, Lindsay Lohan is shaken following an apparent burglary at her home this weekend. We know – Lindsay Lohan’s apparently got stuff worth stealing. Who’d have guessed?
Although Lindsay wasn’t at home at the time, the thieves broke into her safe, swiping bags, clothes and jewellery in the process. Also reported stolen was Lindsay Lohan’s dignity, but that might just be an insurance fiddle – because, honestly, that thing’s been missing for years.
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Lindsay Lohan may have the age and profound emotional maturity to function away from her parents, but she’s not the only Lohan kid.
Sadly Michael Lohan and Dina Lohan managed to find a couple of synchronised windows between all those prison sentences and rampantly selfish partying to fit a bunch more pregnancies in after Lindsay. And, since Michael Lohan and Dina Lohan have since divorced, it’s time for some petty court-based squabbling.
Michael and Dina Lohan have been in court arguing over custody of their kids Ali and Dakota. It’s an important time for those little darlings – who’ll be their primary guardian? The woman who whores them through reality TV shows or the man who slags them off in print for being whored through reality TV shows? Who are we kidding, those lucky kids win either way!
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Ali Lohan has it harder than any of us know – she’s suffered so much just for being Lindsay Lohan’s sister.
Being famous by association has ruined Ali Lohan’s school life – she’s been home-schooled ever since she was bullied by classmates because of who she was. And, for someone as naturally shy and limelight-intolerant as Ali Lohan, that bullying must have really hurt.
How do we know this? Because Ali Lohan’s been blabbering on about it to help promote her forthcoming reality TV show that’s all about Ali Lohan and her aggressively relentless pursuit of fame. Crikey, this Lohan stupidity gene really is stronger than any of us could have possibly imagined, isn’t it.
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